[A/N] Generally speaking, the epilogue is meant to be warm and happy, but I will say, content warning survivor's guilt in the second segment. Also, guys, next part will be the very last part of LDOD! I'll try to get it done in the next three days, since the 8th will be the 2-year anniversary of LDOD existing! I need to make more FTEs and finish my playlists, and then we can talk through what comes next. I may also do some editing to earlier parts. But thank you for sticking with me!

Tozen

The alarm on her phone rings idly; it's not a particularly annoying ringtone, set instead to a wind chime, gentle but loud enough to do its job. I groan softly, squeezing tighter to keep her in my arms. She's so warm. She giggles in that melodic way and pries herself free, but not before kissing me on the forehead. "Mmmph, fine, alright. Time to start the day."

"Since when are you the sort to ask for five more minutes?" she teases.

"Since you started coming over at night. We never stop talking until one of us passes out," I retort. "Stay. I can make you breakfast." It's a mostly empty plea that we go through every day; she needs to get back to her circus for practice, she'd love to, but she can't, she'll miss her bus.

Instead of our usual routine, she impishly blocks her mouth with a hand. "Did you happen to take notice of the time?"

I check my phone– it's an hour and a half earlier than she usually wakes up. No wonder I'm so tired! "You bothered to do that just so I can...?" I trail off, touched.

"Your meals are always positively scrumptious. I adore them." With those words comes the half-veiled sentiment that she expresses often, just in other ways. I adore you.

"Right! Well, I won't waste this. I'll make you a proper Japanese breakfast!" I throw my apron on over my pajamas. Fortunately, miso soup doesn't take nearly as long as any other kind. In the meantime, I can make rice, brew tea, and get all the pickled vegetables out. Azumi gets dressed before coming back. She washes the dishes as I finish using them, and old habits make it so that I want to tell her to sit down, let me handle it, she's a guest. But her expression is serene, and she hums gently, and we do things for each other not out of guilt or fear of abandonment, but because we want one another to be happy.

We sit down to enjoy our meal, giving thanks, and then she pipes up excitedly. "My darling, why not come with me today? You do not have any appointments booked, right? My family would be absolutely thrilled to see you again!"

"Mm, I do have an appointment with a client at ten, but I'll come afterward! You came to support Junpei at his fencing tournament, so I'm happy to reciprocate!" Her face lights up, and she presses a hand to her chest, right near where the curlicues on her costume meet to form a heart. I start to wonder if she's whipping up some sort of scheme, but I resolve myself to not try and figure it out. Whatever it is, it'll be nice. We enjoy our food in peaceful quiet, not needing too many words. Eventually, she rises to leave, but not before pressing an affectionate kiss to my forehead. It makes my face heat up.

After a while, I, too, head to work. I take online nutrition classes– I may know a lot, but it's always great to get fresh perspectives– but I never stopped working, and I find it even more fulfilling than I used to. Helping people reach their personal goals now is even better now that I'm closer to the person I really want to be. Soon, though, I'm running down the trail to reach the massive Big Top.

The Donburi no Kōi Circus is always so alive with activity: people practicing all sorts of stunts, children running amok, occasional reporters. Every now and then, one of the performers will greet me amicably, and I've learned most of their names. Their show for tonight (they do three weekly) isn't due to start for another few hours. I start heading toward the front row of bleachers and notice something strange. Someone is where I usually sit, and Azumi is chatting to them while beaming. I squint and start to jog, and in greater detail, I can see that the person has silver hair pulled back into a very short ponytail. Zu points to me and I hear, "Look! Look, there he is! I assured you he'd arrive!" The freckly, blue-eyed face turns to look at me, and I recognize them immediately.

"Yuu!" I shout. His eyes light up and he waves eagerly, a smile filling his whole face. My jog turns into a sprint to meet them. The two applaud, inviting my presence. "Woah! No gloves! This part of your exposure therapy or something?"

The smile takes on a slightly on-edge quirk. "Uh... surprise! And yeah, spot on. Trust me, I damn well want them, but I'm really trying my best with this stuff so I'm listening to orders. Check out the fucking shoes!" They kick one leg up as if showing off. Holy shit, they're wearing open-toed wedges!

"Damn, buddy! You got brave!" They chuckle at my compliment and wave it off bashfully. "Man, now I want to see everybody. It's almost a bummer that I'm gonna have to miss Ren's concert."

"About that..." Zu hesitates. "I, erm– You know I told the older members of my family what we experienced, and that we are no longer under those journalists' thumbs. I... Well, I asked them if they could manage sharing the tape on my behalf so that we could attend it. I apologize if it was out of bounds to entrust this to a non-former-WDR member... I was being too self-indulgent."

"I trust who you trust, Zu. And I'm sure the others would agree." Yuu says it nonchalantly like it's the easiest thing in the world for him, and my eyes go wide. He's seriously impressing me right now!

"Of course it's alright. You always think ahead." The fondness in my tone makes her blush as she adjusts her hair stick. Yuu still has theirs, too, tucked in the new toolbelt they enthused about online. I'm glad those two are so close. Azumi has done a world of good for a lot of us. "And honestly, I'm sure Ren will really appreciate us being there to support him through it," I add.

Speaking of Ren, our phones buzz so frequently we have to check, and he's spamming us with photos of him and his family in Rome— for the past few years, he's been playing catch-up and doing all the things he hadn't been able to because of fear. Lately, he's been traveling; he wants to do a world tour at some point, but right now he's just on vacation. It's heartwarming.

The wind chime alarm goes off again. Azumi sighs. "I suppose that means I must return to my training. I do so wish I could stay longer, but if I am to perform up to my standards for you, I must perfect this. Enjoy yourselves at your leisure, my lovelies!" She turns to leave, but then stops quickly. "And yes, I am indeed purchasing you both tickets tonight, so don't you dare consider paying me back." She gives me a flirty wink and dashes away.

A beat of silence passes between the two of us, and then Yuu snickers. "That girl still doesn't wear fucking shoes."

I roll my eyes playfully. "She went eighteen years without them, did you really think two more would make a difference?"

"Fair point." They take some deep breaths and shake out their limbs a little like they're psyching themselves up for something, and it makes me curious. "You're... okay? Keeping good eating habits and work-life balance and stuff like that? Napping?" Ah, they were psyching themselves up to show concern for me. That's sweet.

I chuckle. "I'm managing myself a lot better now, yeah. The version of me you first met was a poor little disaster kid who didn't even realize how screwed up he was until it was slapping him in the face."

"Hey! Be nice to yourself!" he interjects forcefully. It takes us both by surprise. "S-Sorry."

"No, you're right. I was messed up, but I was still learning and growing, and I'd been hurt a lot. We all had. Thank you for the reminder. My point was, after I was forced to confront a lot of the scary thoughts I didn't want to acknowledge, I finally got to actually address them. I'm... hmm... a bit more selfish now."

"Hallelujah," he says in that tone where it's impossible to tell whether he's being sarcastic.

"Hey, um... I want to apologize. You did a lot for me whenever I was in an intense mood, and I always got snappy with you."

They break eye contact and give their signature nervous laugh. "You... were like me, but expressed it in more sociable ways so people wouldn't notice. I could kinda tell, though, so I tried to treat you in a way that I thought could've helped me. It– Did it really help?"

"I told Azumi about my problems and fixed my friendship with Ren because you pushed me in the right direction when I was having a crisis. You were the real MVP, dude."

His face is shaky and emotional, mouth smiling but eyebrows pulled in and up like that was the most cathartic thing he's ever heard. "I– I actually did something good in there. I'm so relieved!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Azumi

It is difficult to calm myself right now; there is so much going on and I so badly want for this show to be perfect. Tozen has attended multiple times, and I always feel the pressure to show him something wondrous. He is my boyfriend, and the starstruck expression he makes is one of the most beautiful things I've ever witnessed. I want to astonish him. Adding Yuu, who has not seen me perform in multiple years, only further compounds my feelings. I have added them to the list of those I consider to be my siblings, and I consciously understand that they would not be disappointed if the show went poorly, yet I just want to make them smile.

My heart is pounding irregularly; I'm in my room in one of the living quarters right now as opposed to actually in the tent, since this offers me more privacy. I am attempting to meditate, but I am having difficulty centering myself. Let it all come, and I will do the rest from there. I try to repeat my mantra, but my thoughts continue to stray. The little ones are playing loudly outside, and I briefly consider joining them– it seems as though they are pretending to be dragons and knights, which is always lovely. But I can feel the nerves pulsing through me, and ignoring them will cause me to derail. I take a drink of water and then try to drown out the chaos once again.

There is a knock on my door. "Hello, sweet one. Is all well? You fled from practice rather swiftly."

Calm washes over me, muffling my stress like a blanket. Chuya has had this effect on me since I was small. Though every adult in the circus was willing to sacrifice everything to protect me after the accident, Chuya was the one who tended to me the most directly. I open the door. "Please, come in. I appreciate you checking in on my well-being." She happily does so, sitting on my bed. I rest my head in her lap, and she strokes my hair. She doesn't press me for information, allowing me to share at my leisure. "I... feel as though this ought to be easier by now. I have survived a killing game as well as intense public attention once our parents fought back against the blackmail. Considering the horrors I was witness to and took part in, a simple performance ought not terrify me anymore."

"It is alright to still feel frightened. Fear is natural, and it is our brain's way of trying to protect us. Do you blame Ren for still occasionally suffering through his heliophobia? Or Yuu for his germophobia?"

"Of course not. Especially given they are both consciously working through their fears."

"You have been doing so for a decade, my dear. You must not hold yourself to a higher standard than you do them."

I sigh. "I... feel as though I owe it to Gou to overcome everything. All he ever wanted was our happiness, and he sacrificed everything to get us here. To still be cowed by this feels as though I am not living my life to the fullest."

"You say he wanted your happiness. Are you happy?"

"Yes," I answer instantly. Images of Tozen, and Bisque, and Yuu, and Ren, and my whole family flood my head, and affection floods me. "Yes," I repeat.

"Then you are not failing him. Even if you were not happy, if you were trying, you would not be failing him. Your fear is valid. Let it all come, and we will do the rest from there." I lay, still, processing my thoughts. "What else?"

Intuitive as always, she can sense I am holding something back. "Gou was stronger than me. I am sincerely happy, but on some occasions, I think it would've been better if it had been me."

"Hmm... stay here." She gently sets my head on the bed and leaves the room. I curl into a ball and tears slide down my cheeks. His smile is gone from the world, and I am still here. I've talked about this with professionals before, but I thought I had worked through it all already. I suppose I did what I've always done– assumed I was more wise and above it all than I thought. Mmmph. Self-blaming thoughts.

There's a different knock, a bit frantic. "It is unlocked, please come in."

"Um... it's Yuu and me. That's okay?" I can practically imagine Tozen's worried expression.

This startles me enough to sit upright immediately, swiping the tears away. "Um! Yes, that is fine!"

The door opens, and instantly I notice a third presence. "Mom! Um– Azumi–" He seems to lose his confidence for a moment, but recovers swiftly. "We're all adults here, and we know you, so you don't need to protect us from any of your feelings or uphold some sort of reputation."

"Bisque, how are you–?"

"I brought him. You wanted to surprise Tozen by bringing me, so I thought it'd be fun to surprise you by bringing him," Yuu answers, hugging themselves and looking at me nervously.

I open my arms wide, and Haruto smiles before launching himself at me. "Hi. I missed you a lot." He shifts to sit down on the bed, still half-holding me. Tozen sits on my other side, kissing my head, and it makes me giggle. Yuu looks around for a moment, figuring out where his place is, and then sits next to Bisque, smiling timidly.

"I'm proud of you three. You all just did things that would've been hard for you before. Tozen, the fact that you are even here with me right now, in a relationship, still makes me incredibly grateful. Yuu joined us instead of hovering a bit away and deciding that I would not want him here! And Bisque, you called yourself an adult! That is wonderful!"

Bisque blushes from the praise, but his expression quickly sours. "No changing the subject. Even if it's to compliment us."

"Zu, you've always been extremely kind and receptive to our problems, but you're terrible at letting us do the same. Talk to us, sweetheart."

"I– um– obviously shared a lot of personal shit with you over the years. I'd never expect you to bear with me without intending to reciprocate," Yuu says, fidgeting. "So, um. Say what you're comfortable with."

I breathe. They stay patient with me, and Tozen laces his hand with mine. I don't know why it is so much more difficult to share with peers. They understand. They love me as much as Chuya does. So... why?! "I'm doing the same thing I always do. I'm rushing myself to feel better than I do and judging myself for not being alright. I am still afraid of performing. I feel like I owe it to Gou to live a fearless, unabashed life, and yet I am not! And– And he was always so strong, he could've made better use of this chance if he were here instead of me!"

"Hey... no. You know that's not true. It's alright to not feel okay, but please, at least on an intellectual level, you understand how valuable your life is, right? None of us would feel any better if it had been you, okay? None of us. Not us three. Not Hachi. Not even Wakumi," Tozen insists, rubbing my hand with his thumb.

"I was right there with you," Yuu murmurs softly. "You and I both volunteered to die just like he did, and I've struggled with the same thoughts. But I honestly don't think he would've let it be anyone but him... you know? He loved us so much..." they peter out, not exactly sure what to say.

"Also, none of us live without fear. I still constantly worry about fucking up and not being a real adult–"

"I'm trying to ignore how badly I want to wash my hands–" Yuu interjects.

"And you know I still occasionally worry about gaining weight, even though I'm a million times better than before." I twist around to kiss him in reassurance, which makes him giggle bashfully.

"If Gou were here, he'd probably still feel afraid each time he'd get in the race car."

"And that's okay! We're all living our lives and trying new things and growing up! We're gradually working past our trauma even if the world thinks we're weird for showing it! Gou would be SO proud of us! You're not weak or childish or wasting your life just cause you're not fearless! We all think you're incredible!" Bisque squeezes me.

I lean into it. My body feels somewhat limp, as though the strength I fake gives out at last. It feels humbling, embarrassing, and yet it feels intensely cathartic. Their words are unremarkable, nothing I've not heard, yet the words themselves do not matter. It's the leaning. The being surrounded so that I can tilt, stop holding myself erect for a moment, and still not fall.

The idea of disastrous, monumental failure compels me. The shapeless, massless audience, pulsing, I desire to put on a show for them, to give them what they paid for, to not make an utter fool of myself, or even worse, cause an accident again.

But the pressure to impress– at least, to impress these people who really, honestly matter, my family, my partner, my best friends– dies. Because they will care for me whether I am skilled or inept, wise or foolish, well or unwell. I am me and they are those who love me.

He was he who loves me, and I do not need to live fearless for his sake. I just need to live bold.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Nari

You'd think it'd be impossible to have a quiet moment when your company is a fifteen-year-old, a six-year-old, and Ren Enomoto, but somehow, it's happened. The burbling river beckons, and the sun glints on the surface invitingly. The breeze gently tousles us. As ever, the blond-haired boy sticks out among a group of black-haired siblings, pink eyes fluttering shut among blue and brown ones. I don't want to talk yet; the silence feels special.

It also won't be silent for too much longer, probably. I spotted altocumulus clouds early this morning and now I'm seeing some cumulonimbus clouds. Rika is aware of them, I can see it cause of the mischief in their eyes, but they and I are kind of bound by an unspoken promise not to tell— we've made both boys pack for storms anyway.

"I don't wanna go across..." Enmei mumbles nervously.

To show him it's safe, I take a few strides across the cobblestone steps in the river. I made sure to choose a trail that would be fun, but not too hard for a little one to traverse. He's always been pretty timid, though. Rika waits behind him, giving him the comfort of knowing someone will be there if he falls backwards, but still, he hesitates. We're at a standstill, quite literally.

Ren presses his hand into Enmei's shoulder swiftly and then darts away onto the step behind me. "Tag! You're it!" His smile is bright and, to a little kid, probably very magnetic. He wavers a second before taking a few cautious steps forward. He extends his little leg forward as far as it can go, but then realizes he doesn't have to and successfully transfers to the first stone. A self-satisfied giggle escapes him, and he taps his fingers together cheerfully. Rika flashes Ren a big thumbs-up and steps onto the first step as soon as our brother makes it to the second so that he can't flee back to the bank. Realizing this seems to startle him, and he flinches, but nevertheless he presses on, so Ren and I play keep away, luring him all the way to the other side.

When he realizes he's made it, he jumps up and down. "I did it! Hooray! I'm a grown-up just like you guys!" We all whoop and cheer for him, and he decides he wants to walk in front for a while– we stay close behind to let him know when he's starting to head in the wrong direction, but we don't rob him of the chance to be the leader. He picks up every pinecone and twig he sees along the way, dropping some on accident but not noticing. Every now and then, he'll give something to one of us, and we treat them with the reverence of ancient treasures.

"You're surprisingly good with kids," I compliment.

"I like kids! They're fun! I always want to be more lenient with them than I should, but I do know how to convince them to do things!"

Rika snorts. "Then you're already better off than our parents. They could never make Nari do anything. And since she wasn't perfectly obedient, it gave the rest of us permission."

"You know my mom and dad are wannabe actors. On weekends, they do our breakfast 'with a show' and act out some poorly-written bullsh— I mean garbage— that they came up with the night before. Sometimes they drag our siblings into it. They tried to get me involved when I was a lot younger, but I would always hide in the yard. Our eldest sister would sometimes come out and bring me food, and we'd sit in a tree eating breakfast together. She always judged me for not wanting to play along, but she at least cared about me. When she went off to college and Rika was old enough, they started doing it in her place. Minus the judging."

"Damn... we should've traded families at birth," Ren says, mostly kidding.

"No, you would've been an enabler to my parents' bad decisions. Even though I hated their shenanigans, at least I was a trailblazer convincing the younger ones that they didn't HAVE to be actors."

"Blazing trails... well, you did always set my heart on fire," he winks.

"You're the corniest person alive," Rika plays, punching him gently in the shoulder. He laughs.

"Keiji would have you know," I snark, "that blazes are small notches carved in trees that were used to mark trails. Not fire, in this case."

Enmei flinches. "Eep! Rain!"

"Oh, crap! Really?!" Ren exclaims.

I cackle. "Oh yeah, by the way, we're probably gonna get a thunderstorm."

"What?! You didn't tell me?!"

"C'mon, sook, it's gonna be fun! Get your stuff out of your bag." While he frantically rushes to get his heavier coat on (thank God for waterproof hiking boots), I take up the task of getting a wriggling Enmei into his hand-me-down raincoat. He's stomping and shaking his arms in agitation— he's afraid of storms, but then, he's afraid of most things until he can get his bearings. The movement makes it a challenge, but I'm a pro at this shit by now.

The rain starts to pick up a little. Ren sighs, but his expression isn't nearly as bothered as he's pretending to be. "I can't believe this. The forecast is always hot when I'm hanging out with you," he flirts. He taps me on the arm and recoils with a sizzling sound.

"You're the worst and I'm glad I know you," I respond.

"Hey, um, I actually don't think I've been outside during a storm before. I'm kinda scared," Ren admits.

"Really? You've dedicated the past couple years to trying everything you missed out on, and this is new?" Rika questions, stunned.

"Yeah, most of the stuff I've been doing requires clear days. Amusement parks, beaches, kite-flying, stuff like that. I've been a little hesitant to try thunderstorms."

"It'll be alright. You trust me, don't you?"

"Obviously. It's you, Ikinari. The earth to my rain— if I fall, I fall to you." I roll my eyes, but smile.

Thunder barrels, and Enmei shrieks. He rushes to grab the hem of my coat but then giggles. The rain starts to go wild. "Hey! This isn't so bad!" Ren yells. He and Rika start yelling, enthused. They run around, holding their hands out to feel the pounding droplets.

After a second, though, Ren comes up to me. "Hey," he whispers. "Are you scared? You literally died by lightning."

"It's okay. There, I was literally strapped to a pole. We'll have a lot of warning and a lot of places to go if it starts getting too close." Rika raises an eyebrow, skeptical of why we're keeping secrets. I wave my hand dismissively. They'll know when Ren has his concert.

Ren looks at me, as though trying to figure out if I'm lying, but then his face lights up and he goes back to enjoying the rain. "Enmei! C'mere!"

The trembling boy detaches himself from me and heads toward him. Ren swoops him up and starts tossing him, twirling slowly. Afterwards, he sets him back on the ground, and the two spin hand-in-hand, relishing in the rain and jumping and splashing.

I watch the two of them fondly. All of my favorite people are special, and watching them bloom like this makes my heart swell. This is what I long for, and what my parents' dreams could never give to me personally; this is the pure love of being alive and in the moment. At one point, Enmei jumps too forcefully and winds up losing his footing, landing butt-first. He looks like he might start crying, but Ren throws himself to the ground dramatically to make them equal, and then they match one another in hysterics. Even just a few years ago, this could never have happened for either of them. It's beautiful.

Rika speaks quietly. "Are you happier now that you don't live with us?"

I think for quite a while. "I'm happier now that I get to explore without feeling so constricted or like I'm disappointing someone. But it was never about you guys, okay? As hectic as our house was, and as tiring as people are, I'd never want to be an only child. You guys were the best part of growing up. I wouldn't still be visiting and taking you guys on trips if I didn't like you."

They ponder this and then nod decisively. "I understand. If it makes you feel any better, you were never disappointing to us littles."

"Ha. Thanks. Y'know, you're always gonna have me. Even when things... go crazy."

"That's foreboding."

"Relax." I offer my hand to them, and they take it. We join the boys in frolicking in the rain. Ren makes up a rain song, and we dance in the lovely wilderness, far from anyone's reach. Nobody can hurt us out here where the world glistens. This peace may come to an end soon, but somehow, that's okay. We are enough for one another, and we'll be there for each other as the years go on.