Yuu

While we were waiting for the Forced Shutdown to commence, I got to thinking about what I would even do once we woke up. Not like, long-term plans or anything. I have all the time in the world to consider stuff like that now. But the first thing I'd do once that pod opened. My gut instinct was to apologize to Kana and thank Monterio first and foremost, but what if they didn't want to see me? The idea made me anxious. Next, I thought I could try and work things out with Sayuri, but I didn't even know how comfortable I'd be with that, or even if she'd care enough to apologize. I could just... hug Bisque. But I figured he'd probably want to go to Azumi first. So what did that leave? Standing there like a nervous wreck until someone came up to me? It would be on-brand, I guess.

The reality is apparently gonna be even messier. Before any of us can do anything, there's Hachi. She's just... sobbing. We very quickly find out that Hibiki gave the group some of his more recent memories, so they know everything. That makes this a lot easier, admittedly. Having to explain White Daisy Room, the simulation, Hibiki himself, would probably be way too much for everyone to absorb seconds before waking up from what they thought was death. On the other hand, the poor girl knows this stems partly from her, and now Gou's gone, too. To my surprise, I find that I remember bits and pieces of stuff from before, too. I can recall how often she cried after realizing her trauma– though she never specifically told us what it was. A few of us hover to the side, too afraid of making things worse, but most of us flock to her and murmur soothing things. I'm in camp "not good at comforting people," so I sit nearby and consider what I could do for her. I wonder if she needs anything. If I could give her a gift or take care of chores or something. I'm hit with the sudden realization that we don't all live in the same prefectures. Joanie doesn't even live in this country. We have each other's phone numbers, and I can see text conversations that I barely remember having. But we're not gonna be together everyday anymore.

Sayuri scoots toward me. I stay where I am, neither approaching her nor backing away. Her voice is low, so as not to talk over the bigger group. "I don't expect you to forgive me. You don't have to ever, and you certainly don't have to now. But I need to apologize. I behaved terribly. I– I failed to adequately assess everything that would happen as a result of my actions. I did not see beyond the scope of my own life. I took advantage of you, because I didn't think of how it could affect you after I died. I was selfish, and my selfishness gravely wounded you."

I don't look at her. "Did you try to apologize to Keiji?"

"I did apologize. Before you five woke up." I look over at him. He's the one who told me what was going on, so I know he's on high alert. Despite not hearing us, he notices me staring and casts a glance at me, nodding quickly in acknowledgment. He probably gets the gist of it.

My leg bounces nervously. "It's weird hearing your voice again."

"...I'm sure. The hallucination version of myself yelled, yes? And said awful, cruel things to you?"

"I can't actually blame you for that, though. Those thoughts were all mine. Demons I refused to face properly for years."

"Well, if we didn't all have those demons, we wouldn't be here, would we?"

"Ain't that the truth." I stare down at my feet. I have all my nails again (thank fuck) but it's still uncomfortable being barefoot. I can recall Keiji making a point ages ago that wearing the same socks for a month might cause infections.

"How do you feel, after all this?"

"Ummm... yes."

She snickers good-naturedly. "Bad question on my part, huh? How could I possibly expect you to have an easy to explain answer?"

"Today has brought a lifetime of exhaustion. And I can't even stop yet."

"What do you mean?"

"I have to figure out how to forgive you, and how to forgive myself, and how to start... being different in my day-to-day life."

"Does it need to be now?" I finally make myself look at her, and her eyebrows raise before she nervously looks away herself. "What I mean is... Can't you just... go home, for tonight? Hug your parents? Sleep in your own bed again?"

I exhale, tension draining from my shoulders. "You might have the right idea. But... I'm staying here until the rest of you are ready to leave. We're going together." She smiles.

From a small distance, I see Kana bicker softly with Joanie– apparently, she accidentally said something that was unhelpful– before sighing and turning toward those of us on the sideline. She sees me and her eyes widen in recognition. She marches toward me, strides full of purpose, and Sayuri squeaks. "I'm assuming I should leave you two be?" All I can do is nod, so she scrambles off.

I stand up immediately, but I can feel my heart full-speed throttling in my chest as she gets closer to me. She stops when she's a few feet away. Hands on her hips, hard-to-read look on her face. I have to manually stop myself from backing up out of habit, but I don't know what to do with my hands. "I-I'm really– Every day, I wake up in the morning thinking about– I'm– Fuck, I've spent months wishing I could talk to you again, and now that I can, I can't even make full sentences–"

"I'm sorry," she interjects.

"Thank you. Yeah, that's the basic gist of it, but I don't know if that's enough to express how I'm feeling–"

"No, Yuu, you don't understand. I wasn't filling in your words for you. I'm... sorry."

I'm dumbstruck, unable to get my bearings straight after already floundering. Gibberish syllables make it through my mouth before I can actually speak. "Kana, that's insane. Why are YOU apologizing to ME? I murdered you! I'm sorry! I'm the one who actually did something wrong– and it was an awful, awful thing I did, and nothing I could ever do could make up for it!"

"I'm alive. And since we know everything... I saw you. Every single day, I saw you beating yourself up over it, and striving to improve yourself, and talking about things even when they scared you. I already know how sorry you are. But I fucked up, too. I was trying to help, back there, but my tone just came off as wildly confrontational, huh? K-Kinda like literally right now." She grimaces. "Bad habit of mine. Still working on it. The point is, I noticed your behavior was getting weirder, but I handled it really badly."

"Shut up," I interrupt before thinking. "Oh my God, I'm sorry, I'm sorry–" She shushes me gently, assuring me that what I blurted out didn't just majorly fuck everything up. "I was the one who was too afraid to talk about it. I kept convincing myself that nobody trusted me or liked me, but I also hated myself for being so aloof. It was deep-rooted shit, and it was never your responsibility to fix me. I probably would've just construed it as pity anyway."

"It was all our responsibility. Not to fix you, but to support you. Sure, we were massively unqualified to handle brief reactive psychosis, but we weren't always very good at checking in on you in the first place."

I think for a long while, and she gives me time to process everything without adding more. "It would be irresponsible of me to ask if we can start over, or if we can just forgive and forget. But... can we... move forward... together?"

"We can." She says it with certainty and, after a second of hesitation, punches me gently in the shoulder.

"And can you recreate that drawing? Y'know, of me as Cinderella's fairy godmother?" The sudden request takes her by surprise so much that she gives a bark of laughter before she can stop herself. I chuckle, too. "I, um, really did think it was funny."

"Sure! Glad you recognize my artistic ability."

"I need... to thank Monterio. He's the reason I made it to where I am now. I owe him everything."

She winks, sprints off, and grabs him by the arm, tugging him gently toward me. He catches my eye and gives me a nervous wave. SHIT. NOW?! I JUST HAD TWO REALLY DIFFICULT CONVERSATIONS! Even so, I find myself beaming in response to him. I know I'm not going to have the right words for this, and he doesn't talk much. It's going to be so awkward. But the fact that we're able to do it at all... I'm grateful beyond all measure.

I'm so lucky to be alive. I'm so lucky that there are good people in the world. I'm surrounded by them!

And life doesn't seem so hopeless anymore.

...

Haruto

What am I supposed to think? After literally baking in an oven and dying, suddenly I wake up and learn that we caused this? And the cost was Hibiki– our ringleader, as awful as he was in hindsight– and Gou– who always did his best for us no matter what we needed. I feel like it's too much to handle. But I need to be mature. People rely on me to be sunny. I know it's okay to feel any emotion, and I know it's okay to ask for help. But I can do that later, when we've really gotten a chance to step back from everything. I want to be a rock that people can rely on! A big boulder that people can grab onto when their rafts get wrecked and it looks like they're gonna be barrelling down a waterfall and it's stormy and– POINT BEING. Even though I'm still shocked and confused, I want to keep spirits high!

The rest of us woke up before the "survivors" did. Kana and Joanie tried to organize us. Me, Toz, Joanie, and the dancers are supposed to try to help Hachi, and once they wake up, any of the survivors who want to can join us. Everyone else feels like they'll only make it worse, so they're going to quickly catch the survivors up to speed. And those of us in the "Hachi" group are allowed to tap out for a while to have any big conversations we need to have.

I don't know WHAT I'm supposed to say to Hachi. All I know is that they trust me enough not to traumatize her even worse. She doesn't like being touched, so I sort of just sit down across from her and follow up whenever anyone makes a good point. It hurts really bad seeing her like this. She's so gentle and sweet and knowing that someone did something so awful to her that it triggered all of this makes my throat sting. Can't cry yet! And Hibiki... Aside from Gou, Hachi cared about Hibiki the most, I think, and he totally took advantage of her. I don't think I can ever really understand him. He said he was doing this so that we could get revenge, he said he was doing this to snap society out of it, he said he was doing this just to cause the most pain to the most people, and I don't know what the truth is. He could've caused more pain if he'd made one of us die in his place. And he'd been working with Team Danganronpa for a while. That probably really screws with your head. Considering we got led astray just by interacting with ONE former employee... thinking about being totally surrounded by that for months or even years... It makes me sick. Or maybe that's just the crazy nausea from the simulator. But hey, if I managed not to puke my entire guts out during my execution, I can manage this.

Hachi can't stop saying it's her fault. We keep trying to tell her that it's not her fault she was traumatized, or that she remembered it, or that Hibiki used us, or even that Gou made the decisions he did, but I don't know how much of it is actually working. I take a deep breath and try to figure out whether anyone in the "out" group needs anything. Immediately, I notice that the survivors are awake and being debriefed– how did I miss the sounds of their simulators opening?! Sayuri is explaining to Chimon and Fujiko, Keiji to Yuu, and Nari to Ren and Azumi. Azumi! Even though she's being talked to, her eyes are darting between Tozen and me, cheeks pinkening and eyes watering. I need to be responsible. I'm sure the dancers want to see Chimon and Fujiko again. And Joanie still hasn't gotten a chance to talk to Keiji or Wakumi.

I look away from her for a sec. "Hachi, if it is your fault— which it's not— it's our faults, too. Let us share the blame, okay? You can't keep it all for yourself," I say, kind of trying to comfort her and kind of trying to make her laugh. I semi-succeed on both fronts; she makes a strangled-sounding noise that's like a mix of a giggle and a heave. Joanie gently leans into me to get my attention, though she looks at Tozen on my other side. "You two. Scram. We can handle this for a bit. Go be with your people."

"Are you sure?" he asks, clearly matching my feelings. "I can be patient; you deserve a chance, too."

"And I'll get it, eventually. But if we don't let you both go, that girl is gonna try sprinting to you, and she hasn't really been on her feet in quite some time."

Tozen's smile is adoring, and I give him a teasing look in response. He gives me wide, semi-flustered eyes and then stands up to start heading toward her so that he doesn't have to watch me mess with him anymore. Obviously, I tail along! I want to see everyone, too!!

Azumi leaves Nari to start heading toward us, and I can't help but laugh at Nari's expression— a funny little blend of amused and annoyed— but for the first time since he woke up, it makes Ren look anywhere other than her. He apologetically smiles at Nari and then rushes to catch up to Azumi on wobbly legs. He practically stumbles into us, and Azumi turns it into a proper group hug, squeezing us tight. We wind up falling down in a bit of a heap, and I laugh hysterically. This is JUST like us!

But the two of them, the ones who had to carry on in spite of us leaving them alone, they just wail. I wind up shifting so that I can run a hand through each of their hair soothingly. "My darlings! I missed you so much! You cannot imagine my utter elation when I heard you were alive after all!" Her voice shakes a little and sounds really breathy like she can't believe she's actually getting to say it. Tears start running down MY face, too, now.

"Mom..." I sigh, nuzzling into the crook of her neck. "Mom, you were so brave. It makes me feel bad that I made you so sad, but at the same time, I'm so grateful that you were always thinking of me. I just want you to know that you never, ever failed me. None of you did."

"I agree. Looking back, having to see how you two reacted when I died, it hurt cause I saw how much you blamed yourselves. I'm glad you came to your senses in my trial. If I learned anything while trapped in that hellhole, it's that asking for help, accepting help, and being vulnerable is the only way to save yourself sometimes. And— And that's something Hibiki never did. You let yourselves be helped. You did incredible."

"I was terribly stubborn. I felt this responsibility to be mature and level-headed, and it wound up causing me harm. Though, it is nice to know now that I may share my troubles and it makes me no less wise. In fact, it makes me moreso!" Tozen gives her a gentle kiss on the knuckles, which makes her giggle sweetly.

"Ren? Are you okay? You haven't said a word this whole time," I check in.

"I was so scared!" he blurts out immediately. For once, he doesn't seem to know what to say aside from that, so he just shuts his eyes and squeezes us tighter.

"Trust me, I think we all were. Your resilience is amazing," Tozen compliments.

"I'm still really scared," Ren admits.

"That's okay. There's a lot to be scared of, especially for you. But can I promise you something?" I ask hesitantly. He nods. "From this point on, none of us will ever have to face anything alone. Ever ever!"

"Mind if I interrupt? Just a bit?" Nari asks, looking away awkwardly. Ren hops to his feet eagerly. "Agh. I'm just gonna blurt it out fast." She takes a deep breath. "I admire the hell out of all of you, I could never do what you managed to just do, and I concur with what Haruto was saying. I may enjoy my alone time, but knowing that I have the support of everyone here... makes my life seem more bearable. And you guys have me, too." Ren's eyes practically sparkle at her. "Oh, God, you're about to get sappy. Fine, get it over with." The slight smile on her face goes against what she's saying.

"Ikinari... you were my beacon. I strove to be more like you, and to follow your example; you're the reason I got as far as I did. And you're the reason I'm gonna be able to face the sunlight now."

"You're giving me too much credit," she huffs. "That was you."

"We took inspiration from you all," Azumi compromises, "And yet it was our inner strength that allowed us all to grow. For that, I am truly grateful."

"But... Hachi. She didn't really get a chance to change. And now, all this..." Ren whispers.

"Come take care of her with us," I offer. They nod resolutely, and we head off together, to help someone like we've been helped.

...

Joanie

With the inclusion of Ren and Azumi plus the return of Tozen and Bisque, I need to consider my options. Kana is on temporary time out because she told Hachi to "forget about that asswipe" (referring to Hibiki) even though we all know he played a very supportive role in her life. She took Monterio, too, after a few minutes. Chimon and Fujiko still feel too physically weak to move, so it would only be those four if I go. Can I leave? Can I trust the others to care for Hachi for a while?

Wakumi, as probably should've been expected, left to kneel near Gou before the rest of us even came up with a plan. She's been stark silent this whole time. Like she's in a whole 'nother reality. I turn my head and see Keiji. Standing very distant from the rest of the group, as though he's not sure he's actually allowed in. Azumi is murmuring gentle, sweet things that make some of the tension in Hachi's body drain, so I gently tap Ren on the shoulder and mouth, "I'll be back." He nods.

I head toward Keiji, first, because I'm positive he won't reject my company. His instinctive reaction is for his eyes to soften, but then something frustrated comes into his expression. He crosses his arms and his eyebrows furrow. Oh, God, what did I do? "Hey. You okay?"

"How could you do something so stupid?" he asks sharply. I bite my lip. I get it now. It's not about anything I did to him. It was about what I did once he was gone. I'm not sure how to respond to him. "Joanie, you thought it was all real. You goaded Haruto into killing you and you had NO way of knowing we'd wind up here. You fucking– you can't just do that!"

"I– I know. It was bad of me. I should never have dragged him into it. He had to be executed like that because I was too much of a coward to–"

"NO. Obviously it was fucked for you to drag Haruto into it, but what I'm really angry about is how willing you were to just completely discard your own life like that! I– It's no secret I admire you for your selflessness. I didn't get it in the past, but I asked you to be my mentor because you can help me rediscover how to be a good person. But goddamn!" His voice cracks. "You can't be selfless to the point of literally throwing away your life!"

I hesitate, and then look away shamefully. "I... never have valued my own life as much as I should. Especially once I started thinking I'd lose it early. I was trying to do something right by the group, but I know I hurt people. My dads would've been devastated."

He grits his teeth. "I know I'm an arrogant, selfish asshole, but... surely, the way you went about it isn't good, either. Right?" The uncertainty in his tone makes me feel a muddy blend of feelings.

"Mhm. My choice was... wasteful. Sacrifice is good, in moderation, but I think at least part of my motivation was because I thought it was less important for me to stay alive. Maybe I need to learn from you, too."

He chuckles a little bit. "Maybe. Maybe it's important to be just a little selfish. Helps us with self-preservation and all that bullshit. But remember, our end goal here is for me to be way more like you and you to be a tiny bit more like me. I don't want you to wind up an entitled, aloof brat, either."

"Alright, alright. Stop taking potshots at yourself. Care for others DOES come with care for yourself."

"Thanks... oh, I just realized. You're gonna go back home soon. Fukui is sixteen hours ahead of California. If we time calls right, it shouldn't be TOO bad. But, um... it's gonna be hard to make kind choices when I'm alone. I'm still not really all that good at it."

"Hey. I may be on the other end of the globe, but I'm in your corner. You're gonna be alright."

"We'll see, I guess. But what about you?"

I blink. If I'm not smoking anymore, I'll probably need to make new friends and come up with better coping mechanisms. "It's gonna be a lot, but I'll manage. At least I know all y'all are just a call away. You can keep my ass in line if I start to backslide."

He snickers. "Amen to that." The humor vanishes quickly, though. He stares out at nothing with a distant gaze. "I guess I shouldn't be surprised that I'd sign up for– and even work to create– something as awful as this."

"No more of that. We should only look to the past to help us prevent making bad decisions in the future. It shouldn't become a tool for hating ourselves. We're not even adults yet, we were used. ...Fuck, we're all gonna need so much therapy."

"Good thing you're a genius director with a lot of money," he teases.

I snort. "Damn right."

A contented silence fills the space. But even so, I need to be a good example.

"I didn't actually say the words. I'm sorry, Keiji. For undervaluing myself to the point of throwing away my life."

"Do better. Mmm, bad phrasing. I mean, 'work on yourself.' So that you value yourself properly in the future. And uh... I forgive you. Now... um... you can... go? You've still got people to talk to."

"Okay. But you know you don't have to just chill out here all alone, right? Unless you want to."

He chuckles nervously. "Aaah, I'm rather certain it'll go poorly, but maybe I can try to chat here and there."

"Just try and talk about their interests. Good luck, my dude. I believe in you."

I give him a fist bump and then cautiously make my way over to Wakumi. I KNOW I wronged her with what I did. I kneel down beside her. She refuses to look at me, and I can't make myself look at Gou, so I wind up just staring at her while she stares at someone else. It's very awkward. "Ye broke yer promise. Actually, ye ran a rig on me and ne'er e'en consented ta the terms. Ye just pretended. I told ye ta live n' ye conspired ta die." Her voice is quiet, her hands are open, she hardly looks angry. She just seems empty.

"I don't know how to make it better. Maybe I can't."

She huffs. "Dunno what I'm s'posed ta do, goddammit."

"About me?"

"'Bout anythin'. Spent me 'ole life bein' angry, n' look where it led. I was real easy prey fer Hibiki, in both real life n' the simulation. N' I don't like reflectin'," She says the word like it's bile, for emphasis, "but there are too many questions I have ta answer 'bout the world now. Who are we s'posed ta forgive? Who ought we keep grudges on? Is revenge e'er worth it? How... HOW do we forgive, if we make the choice ta?"

"I think that's the sort of thing we have to decide on a case by case basis. There's no one uniform way to decide who deserves forgiveness. And forgiveness is different from relationship. We can let go of the hate we feel for someone without inviting them into our lives."

"D'ye forgive yer ma?"

I consider this for an abnormally long time. "I... do. I don't want her in my life– she's already given up lots of opportunities cause of her addiction. But I also know addiction is a sickness. Her brain is different from my dads' on a structural level, and I hope, somehow, someday, rehab actually gets through to her. And, though negligence is still abuse, I feel... distant from it now. The best thing she could've ever done for me is give me up, and she did."

She ponders this, then asks, "Ye gonna forgive Hibiki?"

"Probably not. At least not yet, but probably not ever. I know sometimes it's better for us to forgive, because then we can stop obsessing over someone we can't control. But I think sometimes, it's okay to stay angry. It reminds us of who we don't want to be, or what boundaries we don't want crossed."

She finally quirks her head toward me. "Good ta know I can still 'ave a spine! Puttin' that aside though, I'm more than ready ta be back on open waters with me crew."

"I can't even imagine how long it would take you to sail to the US, but if you ever feel like visiting..."

"Maybe if we're real bored. Ye can't exactly send letters ta 'the middle o' the ocean,' so maybe I'll send ye a postacard whene'er I port anywhere."

"Cool. If you ever stay anywhere for more than a week, I can send you manuscripts. It'll be like you watching my movies, but you don't need electricity!"

Her face scrunches up. "Too much readin'. Maybe the kiddos'd like it, though, so ye may as well."

"I'll miss you."

"Don't go gettin' sappy."

"Let me finish." I start again, in a much more sarcastic tone. "I'm totally gonna miss your constant yelling and harassment."

"That's more like it. Now scram."

I don't think we'll ever really find closure in this situation. But that's okay. We just have to try and make peace with our lives, little by little.