[A/N] Content warning: Brief mentions of disordered eating habits in the first portion. Stay safe all.

Tozen

I don't don't don't don't DON'T want people rooting around in my secrets, and, unfortunately, the two people who have feelings for me are the two people here who know me best, and I just need to remind myself that everything will be fine. It's fine. It's FINE.

I'm currently doing a clean-up of the screening room, because it's been a long time since the chairs have been cleaned and the shelves need a bit of dusting and whatnot. "Tozen..." Yuu pipes up, almost timidly.

"What?" I answer automatically.

"When did you last sleep? Every time I've been on night watch lately, you've been reading cookbooks or writing meal prep or even tidying up whoever's room we're in, even if it's not your turn on watch."

"I'm fine! I'm doing dandy and being as helpful as I can!"

"By the end of this, you'll wind up eradicating forty-seven varieties of bacteria," he gives a cheeky smile, chuckling nervously. I can't help but laugh with him, even in my admittedly shambled state.

"Aren't I fantastic? I'm protecting you from all of these germs," I play.

"My savior!" He places the back of his hand to his forehead and sighs like a damsel in distress. But then he straightens his back and fidgets a bit. "But for real. You know it worries us when you get like this."

"Yuu," I warn, "I'm fine."

"Do you at least want me to like, mop the floors while you nap on a chair or something? There's like, a hundred of them in here, just take your pick."

"We're not doing this again," I tell him strictly.

"We'll keep doing it until you get it through your head that you don't have to be the only one doing this sort of shit!" he retorts, sounding surprisingly forceful. I retaliate by spraying a small spritz of cleaning spray right in front of his face. He coughs, waving it out of the air. "I-I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" he pleads suddenly. His whole demeanor seems to shrink.

"N-No, I'm sorry. I know, I have a problem. In fact, I have many, many problems."

"Ninety-nine problems but I won't be one," he jokes, but his delivery is shaky, as though he's a bit desperate.

I start to feel a lump in my throat and it starts to feel like my body is quaking. God, what am I doing, what am I doing? "Okay, actually I do have something I need you to do for me."

"R-Really?! Name it!" he agrees overeagerly.

I grab his arms without thinking, and of course, he immediately pulls them out of my grip, but he doesn't look offended. "You've gotta cook tonight. Or, at the very least, keep me out of the kitchen today."

"Wh-What? But isn't that... like... the part you actually like?" He bites his lip and furrows his brow in confusion.

I wrap my arms around my abdomen. "I'm... I'm freaking myself out too badly. I can't be allowed to..."

"To what?! H-Hurt yourself?!"

"Huh? No, not in the traditional sense."

"So you're not trying to get me to keep you away from knives?"

"No, no."

"Dude, you're so freaking confusing sometimes."

"I--I know. You and me, neither of us really like getting personal with people. It scares me too much, most of the time. Just please, please, I'll literally get on my knees and beg you."

"Don't do that! That's weird on so many levels!" he insists quickly.

"Okay. But you'll do it, right?"

"Yes, I'll cook. I think it'll be Gou's turn with me then, so I'm sure he won't mind. You'll nap, right?"

"No. There's more I can do."

"Tozen, LOOK AT ME!"

"You already have a thing! You're already the one who can make everyone laugh, stop trying to--!" I cut myself off sharply and scrub harder at the shelves.

He flinches, but takes deep breaths to center himself. His eyes open with more clarity than before, and it takes me off-guard. "Learn from me, please. I know, you're confused, and kind of panicked, and it feels like nobody could ever get it, but you HAVE to be willing to talk to someone about it. It doesn't have to be me, cause honestly, I think I'm the least prepared to handle whatever it is you're dealing with, but I WISH I could go back and talk to someone before making such a giant mistake."

"What, are you saying I'm erratic?!" I am. I know that. I just don't wanna have to confront it.

"Please, just listen! We're about to go into that quiz thing in a few more days. Talking about it would be a billion times better than coping with the paranoia of not being sure who knows extremely sensitive information about you."

"I... never stop growing and changing. I've been fighting to be a better version of me for... forever. I'm not done."

"Of course not. Nobody's ever done. I sure hope not, in my case."

"I'll talk to someone about things. I can't just dump my whole life story on you right here right now, but..." I shudder.

"You don't have to say anything uncomfortable, man."

"No, you don't get it! Yes, I do! If I'm not a little uncomfortable, I'm not changing. Okay." I breathe, and clench my fist. "I'mafraidI'mgonnabingesomething," I blurt out before I can convince myself not to.

His face pales in alarm. "So, it's not the sharp objects you need to stay away from, it's free access to food?"

"I've never binged before, but I know I have to make sure it never happens. My will power's bad, so messing up once could be disastrous. I-- I don't know why I'm getting an urge. I haven't been skipping meals or depriving myself of any kind of junk food, so realistically, I shouldn't be feeling this way. I just need to ride it out."

His eyes dart about, as though he's trying to connect ideas in his head. "You need sleep like now, first of all. And then you really need to talk to somebody. Don't worry. You're gonna be fine. You'll be fine."

"I'm not fine. I'm in crisis mode."

"You're not now, but you will be. You'll be fine. We've all got you, dude."

"No one will be mad if I nap?"

"Of course not! I'll even get you a blanket."

"Oh, but I'm supposed to be watching you! It would be unreliable of me!" I remember, scratching at my stubble.

"Ren will be here to take me in a few minutes. It doesn't really matter."

I stumble my way down to the parlor with Yuu, and he drapes me with a knitted blanket. I fall asleep on the lavish couch, silently praying for some way out of my own head.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ren

Someone tries to rush past me and trips right in front of me. I instinctively catch their wrist and help them back up to a standing position, pulling them to my chest. "Looks like you really fell for me." Oh, shit, it's Chimon. "Sorry, sorry! It was an accident!"

He chortles, laughing so hard that he nearly topples over backwards again, so I have to catch him a SECOND time. "Ahaha-- I mean, YOU'RE sorry?!-- Heeheehee-- I'm the one who fell over my own frickin feet! You're just the valiant gentleman who rescued this damsel in distress!" I can't help but also start laughing, and it gets so bad that I almost drop him. "Ren, Ren, teach me how to be as smooth as you! I'm an awkward, clunky little dude going through my growth spurt and my physical coordination is nearly as bad as a baby deer right now! I need romantic augmentation!"

"The way you say it makes it sound like you're a robot!" I squeal, trying to catch my breath long enough to keep speaking. "Besides, I didn't think that was your kind of thing!"

"Honestly, I have no freaking idea what kind of people I like, if there's any at all, but it sure as hell sounds like a hilarious way to spend the afternoon, right?" He sticks out his tongue playfully.

"Ah, I see. You're just in it for the fun of it. You're not secretly in love with at least a quarter of the people here like me."

"What?!"

"I said what I said."

"Put me down, you two-timer!" he jokes, pushing away from me and falling straight onto his back, continuing to descend into hilarity. "I— HAHAHA— I can't take any of this seriously without a commitment! Do it for us, Ren!"

"PFFT! Stop, I'm gonna die and you're gonna have to go on TRIAL!"

"I need a professional! All of my romantic knowledge is straight out of dating sims!"

"Are you sure it's 'straight'? I don't know what those sims have!"

"OOP! BAHAHA!"

"But seriously, I am not qualified in the slightest!!! I've never actually dated anyone in my entire life! I'm a fraud!" I cackle, literally rolling on the floor.

"You've never dated?!"

"I rarely leave my house! How am I supposed to meet people when the only chances I get are my little pub concerts?! Take it easy on me!"

"Agh, I should've asked Monterio back when—"

The mood sours and we both take a hopeless breath. "It'll be alright. I may not have been in any sort of relationship before, but I can teach you all about what it's like to be me, cause obviously I at least give off the IMPRESSION that I have."

"Gimme all the hot takes!"

"Step One: Know Your Boundaries! Even I don't hit on everything that moves. I don't flirt with anyone whom it'd be... disgusting... to flirt with, and of course, I respect when someone shows their discomfort. I also respect myself. I don't flirt with people who treat me like crap."

"Okay, I think that one's pretty obvious."

"You'd think, but I'm sure you've met incels on the internet."

"Yikes."

"Step Two: Own it with confidence, but also with levity. I know the pick-up lines are goofy, so it's always good to be able to play it off as a joke— and sometimes, it will be. Besides... confidence is attractive, so long as it doesn't border on narcissism."

"So like... wink like you, and do that hair thing, and make sure I'm doing my playful voice?"

"Sure! But you can make it your own! Tilt your hat or something, or bite on your key a bit! The game's all yours."

He takes a breath to psyche himself up. He tilts his hat down slightly and winks with a smirk. "I can tell I've already got you hypnotized." He tries to say it in a faux-deep tone, but his voice cracks, sending us both into yet another fit of giggles. "Goddammit puberty, why'd you gotta ruin my game like that?!"

"Step Three: It's more important to be interested than interesting. Of course, it's good to have stuff to tell a partner, but people really like talking about themselves, as I'm making remarkably clear. Showing that you're genuinely invested in what they've gotta say is a very good sign."

"Perfect! That's already a huge part of my job!"

"Now, my pupil, for your first assignment, go have a really deep talk with someone and be very interested in it. Take notes afterward so I know you were paying attention, but don't worry— I won't read them too hard, so everyone's privacy will be secure."

"Yes, sir!" he nods with a giant grin, standing up and taking off with a bit of a wobble.

I head off toward my bedroom, but pass by Tozen's on the way, where I find Azumi sighing with her back to the door. "What's up? Everything okay?"

"Hm? Oh, yes, indeed. All is well."

"So? How sweet was he this time?"

"We had a rather productive conversation, and it was quite enlightening. Though, a lady never kisses and tells, correct?" She gives me an impish smile.

"I think I'm rubbing off on you."

"Frankly, it would be a miracle if any of us were to not have rubbed off on each other. We've essentially spent every day together for what amounts to an entire semester's worth of time!"

"We all need a little bit of Azumi in our hearts," I compliment.

She gives a soft giggle. "I truly, deeply appreciate that. I find that your heart is rather capacious, so you make room for the lessons of many people. I admire that in you. Now," she brushes herself off as she rises to her feet gracefully, "I am off to meditate. I bid you good day, dear sir."

For some reason, I find myself ringing his doorbell. Probably just to check on him. He opens up quickly. "Azumi, I— Oh! It's you!"

"It's me!"

"Want tea? I'm about to make some."

"Only if you let me serenade you," I tease.

"I— Play your music, sure, but no love songs, you dork," he insists.

"Fine by me!"

Today is a very good day.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Azumi

As I ground myself firmly in the present, feeling the grass and the dirt of the garden and bringing awareness to the individual parts of my body, I attempt to let all of the tension drain out of my muscles bit by bit. But the noises in my head are particularly disruptive right now. So I attempt to use the parlor instead, playing meditation music in its speaker. The individual fibers of the carpet along my feet feel the slightest bit coarse, but not unpleasantly so. Even so, despite the music helping me ease into a trancelike state, the memories swimming through my head keep taking me out of the moment. I do my best to simply guide my thoughts back to where I want for them to be, but, for the first time in a long while, I struggle with it. So I reconnect back with my familiar mantra. All will be well. All will be well.

It's heartbreaking when I realize that it is ringing hollow to me. Nothing is "well" here. Many situations in life improve, and that is an exquisite truth of the world that I treasure dearly. Even so, there are some situations that never truly get better. The people who are dead are dead, and their families will always be wracked with grief. Perhaps it was a blissful delusion.

Oh, pish-posh. This mopiness is not like me at all. There is the possibility that some company might do me a world of good in my despondency. Some company with a special person I have neglected to bond much with, perhaps.

I gait smoothly to the third floor and knock gently on the door to the beautician's. "Come iiiiin!" the sing-songy voice calls out, like a chipper bird soaring free.

"Salutations!" I greet, trying to be loud enough that she can hear me from the clothing area.

"Zu, save me!" I hear. A warm smile spreads across my face.

"Ah, have we graduated to my nickname, Yuu?"

"That's besides the point!"

Fujiko groans. "C'mooooon, Yuu, all I'm asking is that you try on an outfit or two! You're a fashionable young man!"

"I don't wanna change in here! Even in a changing booth, people can steal my clothes and shit like that! That happened at camp once and I never forgot it!" he declares. He's grinning, but I cannot determine whether it's out of good humor or anxiety.

"Could I be of assistance, perchance? Might I stand guard outside the dressing room whilst Yuu models? Not a soul could slip in or out to prank you if I secure the area." He seems to contemplate this idea deeply, pursing his lips and squinting, before giving me an honorable salute and taking the outfits into his arm to change. "Regarding the intention for this trip... Fujiko, would you like to visit the spa with me?"

"Say yes! That shit was fantastic!" Yuu calls out, making the two of us giggle.

"Girly, are you in need of some pampering?! Obviously I'd never say no to some nice R and R! So, sure! We're gonna feel like we're in Heaven on Earth, beautiful!"

After Yuu models and Fujiko passes him off to Chimon-- the last watch cycle before bedtime-- she takes me by the hand and pulls me along excitedly. We both pay the fare to enter, and immediately upon opening the doors, steam clouds my vision ever so slightly. She squees with utter ecstasy and we both gladly welcome the warm sake's embrace. The temperature is reminiscent of my circus; since there tends to be a rather large audience, the tent can get rather warm with body heat. But, of course, this smells much better. Less sweaty. Within the first few minutes, I am already beginning to feel better. Fujiko wears an angelic expression of contentment. "So, darling. Do you need to talk about whatever's bothering you?"

"Why must something be troubling me, sweet one?"

"I'm not saying you wouldn't spend time with me if you weren't in a bad place, but... I'm here for you if you are."

"I could not begin to explain, truthfully, though I am grateful simply for this nice change of pace."

"Alrighty then. I agree! It's good to just get to relax an itty bit! If what you need is a distraction, or a way to just chill out, I can do that, too! You know, I used to try and convince my big brother to be a masseuse. He said, no, of course not, Fuji, I'm gonna be an architect. But it was a funny little running joke between us!"

"Ah, that is rather sweet. Another girl at my circus joined us at age nineteen to pursue her dream of being an aerialist, but her mother was a masseuse, so she had learned a few fundamentals of the trade. It was always wonderful for a quick pick-me-up if we ever got aches or pains," I reminisce. "She was an absolute lifesaver whenever I got a charley horse. Honest-to-god devils, those leg cramps."

"Oh, gosh, for sure! I was forced into softball for a couple of years, and that was the worst ever! I was all sweaty and the dirt was everywhere, always staining our cute little uniforms, and the soreness? Icky! I do my best in P.E cause it's a class I know I can pass as long as I try, but gosh, I do not like sports!" she rambles. "Oh, no offense. Sports are cool! Just not my thing!"

I laugh. "You needn't still your tongue for my sake. I love the way I feel when I'm active, but it does indeed get rather sweaty... arguably repulsive at times. Hence why people like you, who tend diligently to their personal hygiene, are so charming and desirable. As such... shall we get treatments? I simply cannot wait for a hot stone massage!"

She nods vigorously, so we treat ourselves. It feels remarkable. A cleansing, cooling facial, a pedicure that I was in well-need of (my feet are very important, after all), and yes, a wonderfully soothing hot rock massage.

We make our way downstairs and join up with the others in Ren's room for bedtime. I meditate until I fall asleep, feeling like a significant weight has been lifted, if even just for a moment.