CHAPTER ELEVEN: I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU.

6TH MARCH 2022 - 11:30 PM

The memory dissipates before I get to see how it ends. I know how it ended, but I still wanted to relive it. I felt tears well in my eyes. Turning my head away from Aaliyah, I sniffled. "Of course, I remember," I say again.

"Say, tell me something I don't know," she asks me. Aaliyah traces her fingers over my chest. She looks up at me, her hair tickling the side of my face. It took everything in me to look at her big brown eyes. I wish we could stay like this. Forever.

I tuck a strand of hair behind her ears. I answer, "Do you know I love you? Did you know the moment I first laid my eyes on you, you were as bright as the sun and had eyes like the moon? You were burning bright enough to be my light in a crowd of darkness that everyone else was. You were my stars. Do you know that?" Every word I say is the truth. I half expected her to be shocked or flat-out tell me that I'm ridiculous; we've been friends for most of our lives, so this would make sense. But she didn't.

"Tell me something I don't know," she asked again, a sad smile in her eyes. She hugged me tighter. I can feel her heartbeat against the side of my chest, fast but steady. I wrap my arms around her. I wanted her to say she loves me too. I secretly hoped she felt the same way too. But I know she didn't. It was all in my head.

I don't care. I wanted all of Aaliyah, even though she doesn't love me, even though the kiss we shared meant nothing, even though what we had was toxic. I've begun to shake, my eyes watering once again.

My body is suddenly fighting a turbulence of emotions, my brain is plagued by the world I'm losing and pained by this girl who's trying to send me a message I refuse to understand. Aaliyah moves away from me, and I don't know how or when or where but she shows me a pink iPhone. I instantly recognise it as hers. The phone screen is full of cracks, and when I take it from her, the home screen turns on. It is 11: 49 PM. I don't have the energy to marvel at the sight of it. I haven't seen her phone in months.

"Do you remember how to use it?" She was making a light joke, but I wasn't laughing. I'm gripping the phone so hard I'm afraid I'm going to damage it permanently. When she noticed that her joke did not affect me, her face turned serious. "Call him. He has to know. He's worried."

"But – "

Aaliyah puts her cold hands over mine, reassuring me. "It's okay, Yeonjun." My fingers hovered over the call icon. Without thinking, I click on it. My heart aches, and the tears start to freefall down my cheeks. My name was at the top, and just below my name was SOOBIN CHOI.

I look at Aaliyah, and she gives me a slight nod. "Call him." I press down on his name. It starts to ring. Aaliyah takes the phone away and puts it out of sight.

I couldn't bear to look at Aaliyah, so I turned to the side; the tremors won't stop terrorising my body. I'm horrified by my lack of self-control. I can't seem to make myself still. Aaliyah's hand is on my shoulder. Her touch scorches my skin through the layers of fabric. A hard shudder leaves my body, leaving my breath heavy.

"What is it you want to do now?"

I'm trying to hold it in, but tears won't stop escaping my eyes. "I want to cry. I want to fucking cry," I confess to Aaliyah, in between stifled sobs.

Aaliyah stays silent for the longest time, and I wonder if she didn't catch what I said. But then she says, "So cry. I will listen."

And I am crying. All the tears I have shed over the past months should've made me get used to it. It didn't. I still want to cry. This didn't feel like crying. It's just silly crocodile tears running down my cheeks, sobs that echo to no one. My heart breaks silently; not even Aaliyah knows what I'm feeling.

"I want to cry," I say again. I want to cry and shout and scream at the top of my lungs. I want Aaliyah to hear me hurting, I want her to see me break into pieces, I want her to know how my soul shatters because of her. I want to cry. I want her to see me cry.

I wanted her to say: "It's okay. I'm here. I won't ever hurt you again. I'm here. I'm here. I'm here." But she didn't.

Instead, she wraps her arms around me, and I find myself in between her empty embrace, the scent of her neck, and the softness of her touch. I close my eyes and curl myself against her body. I rest my face against her chest and pretend I'm not crying. This time I couldn't hear her heartbeat. Her cold fingertips run through my hair, somehow calming me down. She whispers, "I need to go now. I need to leave." Aaliyah pauses. She places a tender kiss on the crown of my head. "I love you."

My eyes are heavy with fatigue; my energy completely dissipates into thin air. I wanted to answer Aaliyah, but my tongue is stuck to the roof of my mouth.

I try to fight it.

I try to stay awake.

I try to find my head but I can't.

I drift off to sleep in her arms. Her soothing words echo in my dreams.

published! MARCH 31ST, 2022