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KASIEMOBI

Who am I?

Standing in the bathroom, starring at my reflection, that very question echoed in my head. I'd released my braids from the band that held them all together. The ones in front barely dangled, covering the sides of my face, and the others flowed all the way down my back.

The harder I stared at my reflection, the more I felt lost. Who is Kasiemobi Ejindu? Mum said I have to give up my freedom of choice and sanity to save the lives of the rest, but... I didn't know if I could. Yes, I know, thinking down that path would make me selfish, but as a person, don't I deserve to be happy? I love my family. I want everyone safe and alive, but... this can't be it.

Mum said even before I was born, they stamped I would marry into that family. Maybe this is it... the reason I've always felt something about my life was odd. I thought I knew who I was. I thought I had all the answers but turns out, I never did. Have I ever actually been who I thought I was? Or maybe deep down, I've always known I didn't know who I really was. I wished for the trust. Finally, I know what it is and now I wish I never knew.

I stood straight, taking my hands off the sink and letting it fall to my sides. For a minute, I closed my eyes and quietly took in a deep breath as if it was a remedy to curing the immense stress I was under. The moment I opened them; my eyes widened at the sight of the masquerade behind me. Immediately, I turned, and it slit my throat right away with something sharp and small. I stared at the masquerade as I reached my hands to my neck, blood spurting out as I took one or two staggered steps away from it. Fear, surprise, disbelief were all the emotions and expression I could portray on my face, in my eyes as I lost my balance and fell to the ground.

As I laid on the cold tiles, I couldn't take my eyes off the figure that has tormented me for a so long. The only thought in my mind, 'I don't want to die. This can't be it.' But it all felt too real and as I gradually slipped into the arms of death, I never looked away from it even once till everything went dark.

Immediately, I woke up in a scare, panting with a palpitating heartbeat. Quickly, I touched my neck all around and there was no sign of cut or blood. That was enough to calm me down before I looked around. I was in my room, on my bed and in my nightwear. I realized what had happened. None of it was real. It was another nightmare and the strangest part, it felt real and different. This was the first time in this series of nightmare I experienced dying. What does this mean? Am in danger?

I gulped down hard while recalling how it had happened and what I'd felt. Never again do I want to feel that way.

To me, every second reminded me of the noose around my neck and the secret this family was keeping from the world, but it would seem that wasn't the same for the other members of the family. There I was, standing amid the hustle and bustle going on in the compound. Chidera's wedding was tomorrow, and it had slipped my mind until this morning.

There were canopies mounted up, the decorators were hard at work and at various locations. I spotted a family member, busy, trying to take part in the arrangement or lead at it. I want to be understanding, but really, I couldn't. How can they do this? How can they act like nothing is happening? We can all drop dead any time of the day, but everyone is moving on with their lives. It seems I'm the only one worried about what our tomorrow could look like. Honestly, I'm happy for Chidera, but I wasn't sure anymore if getting married during this time is the best move.

A light sigh left my lips. I know I sound unemotional with that thought and that shouldn't be the case. I know what to do to ease their burden, but I couldn't see myself doing it.

"How do I look?" Chidera's voice pulled my gaze away from where I'd been staring, which was nothing in particular. I'd drowned in my thoughts. The moment my eyes fell on her in her wedding dress, a genuine smile curled up on my face. Earlier, when she'd dragged me to her room saying she needed me to see her in her wedding dress, honestly, I hadn't taken her words seriously. I had a lot on my mind and I wasn't in the mood.

"You like it?" She asked, a smile plastered on her face as she turned around for me to have a better look at the back view before turning back.

"Wow." I mentioned in surprise. She looked great, and I could already imagine her walking down the aisle.

"I can't believe you can actually look this beautiful in a dress." Jachi pronounced and her smile dropped as she shifted her gaze to her.

"Are you trying to say I don't look beautiful in anything I put on?"

Jachi shrugged and Lota laughed. This was all too familiar, as they both took delight in teasing the other whenever they could.

"You know what, I wasn't even talking to you... I only care about Kasie's opinion." She redirected her attention to me.

"So? I'm not making a mistake with this dress, right?" She asked, and I looked her up and down once more. The pearly white A-line dress with beautifully done lacey net for sleeves was perfect for her.

"It's... you look amazing." I had to confess, and her smile couldn't be any wider before she turned away to stare at her reflection in the mirror.

It was obvious tomorrow means a lot to her than I ever knew and I felt bad I ever thought about her postponing the wedding.

"Kasie." She called, and I lifted my eyes to her, back to the present, out of my thought. Her smile disappeared, replaced by a rather opposite expression.

"Did you say something?" I asked, not sure if she'd said something as I did have a lot on my mind to hear any of it.

"I said... I'm sorry." Chidera said, and I furrowed my brows, not sure why she would say that. I spared the other two a look, and they wore a similar expression on their faces.

"Why are you apologising?"

"Because..." she started before walking closer to me and having her seat by my side. "... the other way, we just had this tremendous revelation and the fact that your unhappiness might save us. Yet, here I am, getting ready for my wedding. I know, it's very selfish of me."

I kept my arm around her and tried my best to put up a smile, brief but certain. "You don't need to feel sorry about that. I understand. You've been planning this way before we found out the truth. I'm not upset." I assured her, but it would seem she was heartbroken about this more than I perceived.

"That's... that's not it. I'm sorry because... because I desperately want you to do it."

Gradually, my face fell.

"I want you to marry Kamalu so I don't die and neither will Jachi nor Lota or any other member of the family. I want to live a long and happy married life with Eze. The worst... I want you to forget Cergio." She finished, her head bent and eyes unable to match mine. I looked from her to the other two and they were quick to look away, an obvious sign of guilt.

Quietly, I withdrew my arm away from her, all the while feeling a bit in shock. I'm not surprised... I shouldn't be. Yet, there was a feeling of betrayal. It understandable they would feel the way they do. I would most probably feel the same way if the roles were reversed with someone else... but I felt bad they gave in quickly. Ever since we were little, as the oldest, I've always had to sacrifice or share. It's uncanny that I have to do that again. This time, it's not just about the biscuit or shoes. It's my life and they aren't asking me to give it up.

Gently, I stood to my feet and made my way out of the room regardless of the one or two calls I got from them. It's okay... I'm not upset. I'm just a little disappointed and I need to think.

That early evening, I'm not sure if I'd been thinking about where exactly I needed to go, but it only dawned on me what I wanted when I was on the verge of stepping into the garden. There I stood, staring into nothing in particular. There was a possibility I could run into Cergio, and that was a reason that made me rethink going in. I rubbed my hands together as everything I'd been told by mum and uncle Chimdi all refreshed in my mind.

Cergio is too good for you. A voice in my head pointed out, and I shut my eyes for a second to ignore it. I debated in my mind if it would be a good idea to tell him everything, and in the end, I could not decide. I knew he wasn't the judgmental type, and he might even try to help me out. That was the person I'd perceived him to be, but... I sighed and turned away.

I've just found this great guy and deep down, a part of me believes he could be just the right person for me. He probably sees me as a wonderful woman with a nice family. There was a desire to keep that image alive and telling him about my ancestry, the ridiculous secret they've been keeping, that's going to shatter that image. I didn't want that. Also, I wasn't sure about how long what we have might last. Tomorrow is Chidera's wedding, and that should be it. He could leave after that, before the new year and all this would have been futile.

Again, I sighed. Maybe I'm being ridiculous by thinking far too ahead of myself, but that's me... Chidera was right. Maybe I'm obsessed with being the matured one and wanting everything to mean something. Either way, it's best to put an end to this and my feelings before it grows any further.