The scent of the talcum powder and flowery perfumed water coated my clothes as I quickly changed them out for the more presentable and drier chut Thai. It consisted of a wrap-around skirt, a long gold embroidered cloth called a sabai, and other gold accessories that I was rushing to get on.

I fought the urge to scratch my skin from the patterned fabric and began to pin down the makuta to my head. My mother fussed over my outfit and smeared makeup onto my face and I had to stop her a few times so that I could get the jewelry on properly. I eventually gave up as the other aunties in the tent gathered to help the process.

A voice called out from outside the tent and I couldn't decipher it. With the combination of Thai and the loud chaos of the performers in the tent, I looked to my mom to see if she would translate what was said.

"We have half an hour left," my mother said and gestured for me to tilt my head.

That would be a lot of time for other people but with how my mother ran things, it meant that it was more time to meticulously comb threw every inch of my appearance to make sure that I looked perfect. I could feel my head hurt from the tugging and the adjusting on the makuta and the addition of the bobby pins. The gold armband with fire designs clung so tightly to my skin that I swore my blood circulation was being restricted.

"Nika, swy jing jing!" An auntie gave my arm a hard pinch with a smile.

I kept it together but inside I wanted to just shrink in embarrassment. I was in my twenties yet I was still being treated like a baby by the older women.

"Ready?" My mother asked me.

"Yeah," I said absentmindedly.

"Nervous?" She asked and I nodded. "Here, eat. Will help with the stage fright."

She handed me a plastic bag of sticky rice and fried pork from her purse and gave me a tube of lipstick right after.

I wasn't too keen on eating at the moment so I placed the food to the side.

"Nika, it's time!" My mother called out excitedly and I jumped to my feet. I did an awkward shuffle out of the tent and when I got close enough to the steps of the stage, I took off my shoes and placed them to the side so I could give a better performance.

Fear hammered at my chest but it was fainter compared to the previous years I had performed for Songkran. I made sure my breathing was steady and that my body was relaxed enough that I was confident that my performance wasn't going to be stiff. I took centre stage and the host introduced me gleefully. I pressed my hands together to the host and then to the crowd in respect and thanks. When the pleasantries were over, the host left the stage and that was when it was time. The music began to play and I gracefully lifted my arms and posed.

I was prepared for every step of the way until my eyes looked into the crowd of what seemed to be hundreds and landed on one someone I expected to see the least.

The music began to stutter and there was a commotion off to the side. I whip my head to the stage stairs and my mother looked just as confused. The music turned off and the host came back on the stage with a mic in hand.

"Sorry, the music didn't want to working today. It tired," the host said jokingly and the crowd laughed. "Please wait, thank you ja."

I made my quick exit off the stage and my panicked eyes met my mother's. "I, um, need to go to the washroom?"

"Hah? Now?" She asked. "You have to dance soon."

"I know, I just... I need to go. Really bad."

There seemed to have been some discussion with the community elders and my mother shouted something to the host in Thai. There was a short exchange before the host turned back to the crowd.

"While we wait for the music player to start working again, Prit offered to sing for the next group's dance!"

I looked at my mother in horror and she waved for me to go quickly. I quickly slipped on my shoes and began to run towards the nearby building.

"Nika!"

I ignored the voice.

"Nika!"

Why did it have to be today?

"Kannika!"

My feet screeched to a halt and I saw an arm block my path.

"Eri, I didn't expect to see you here." I attempted to swallow my anxiety but my mouth was completely dry, which made the action pointless.

"Really? Our families have been dragging us to these events since we were babies," he said.

His voice cracked and I could see stubble forming on his chin. He had more acne than I remembered but I tried not to stare at him for too long.

"I just thought that um, I don't know. You were going to be busy?" I squeaked.

"You've been acting like you haven't known me ever since I began transitioning. I know the aunties have been sort of weird about it but I didn't think you would've started to avoid me too," he said.

I couldn't control myself and my eyes gravitated to him like he was a magnet. His jawline started to become more define and his eyes were still the same dark brown that I'd seen many times since we were kids.

"It's just a change, it's just really hard to get used to but I swear I'm not avoiding you," I smiled. My fingers tapped my armband lightly as I went back to avoiding his gaze.

That was a lie. I knew why I was acting strange but I didn't want to fully acknowledge it yet.

"Nika." Eri grabbed my fidgeting fingers and I froze. "I know when you're lying."

I tried to let out a cool laugh but it came out more like a cry of a dying bird. "You don't have to worry though. I would never stop being your friend."

His frown deepened and his hand from my arm slowly fell. "Yeah?"

"Yeah, of course," I said. "You can't change like all those years of us playing by the temple and going over to each other's houses over this. I mean I guess it means my mom can't force you to wear my Thai costumes but I heard my mom talking about dressing you up in my brother's old costumes."

"I sort of wanted to not be friends anymore."

"Huh?" My heart dropped. My anxiety was snowballing at this point. I hadn't felt this way ever since I had my first performance.

"Nika, I don't know if you're really slow or if I'm just really bad at expressing myself but I have the biggest crush on you. Honestly, it's sort of embarrassing."

That was when my brain broke. My knees were weak and knots upon knots just formed in my stomach. Eri caught my arms before I could stumble over completely and my forehead instinctively rested on his shoulder. The makuta hit the side of his face and I quickly pulled away.

"Are you okay?" Eri asked.

"I don't know." Hot tears rolled down my face. "I just don't understand myself."

"How?"

"You were always so cool and pretty and nice and I really thought that I admired you. But when you came out, I felt confused."

"Confused about my pronouns and gender?" He asked in confusion. "You did a really good job of not messing up. I didn't think you misgendered me once."

I laughed and wiped my face before suddenly remembering that I was wearing makeup. "No, like... I think I liked you for the longest time but I didn't know it? I'm still confused. I'm not a teenager anymore, I didn't think I would be having a crisis about what I am in adulthood."

"Oh," Eri said, dumbfounded. There was a pause before he spoke again. "I'm glad it wasn't just me."

I laughed. He pulled out a tissue from his back pocket and wiped my face with it. He rubbed my face a little too hard and I gently lifted his hand off my face before taking the tissue to take care of myself.

"God, you never were good with makeup," I laughed.

"Hey, I did it one time."

"And it was the last time."

This time we both laughed. The sound of my mother's singing in the distance had come to an end and I looked back at the stage.

"I probably need to head back to do my performance," I said.

I was about to turn to leave but Eri held onto my arm.

"Nika? Just a sec?"

I paused before giving in to his plea. I found myself staring into his eyes again.

"You don't have to figure out what you are immediately. Hell, it took me a long time to figure out what gender I am."

"You came out at the end of high school though."

He hesitantly put a hand on my face and his thumb rubbed my cheek. "Even then, I still had to figure out my sexuality after I came out. I thought I had it figured out and then I started T and suddenly everything is confusing again."

"I didn't think it would affect that," I murmured.

"Me neither. Apparently, it happens to some people," he said. "Anyways, people aren't static. You're going to be figuring out new stuff about yourself all the time. So, don't rush yourself and give yourself some patience and understanding."

My heart fluttered and I was about to say something until I heard a microphone scream.

"I'm um uh..." I saw a little girl on stage in her Thai costume look to the side and a woman I assumed to be her mom raised her hands to show six fingers. "Six."

The crowd cooed at the little girl and the host held the mic to another girl beside her. There were four girls total and it looked like they had just performed to my mother's singing.

"Okay, I really need to go now and fix my makeup before Mae notices," I said.

"Alright, good luck with the performance," Eri said.

I broke away from his grasp and took a few steps toward the tent. I then spun around and ran towards Eri.

"Huh?" He seemed genuinely confused.

"I forgot something," I said sheepishly.

My lips pressed against his lips quickly. The small physical contact made my face hotter than it had ever been and Eri seemed to have the same reaction as his face was completely red.

"Um, uh. Thanks," he said.

I laughed. "We'll talk after my performance?"

"Sure."

He had a giant grin and I couldn't help but mirror it.

I had to make this my best performance yet. After all, I had someone important watching.