-58- Yibo's decision / Zhan's bitter farewell

It's Saturday and in two days' time Zhan's workday will begin again. He is already very much looking forward to working in the editorial office again and is eager to see how his old colleagues will react when they see him at the editorial meeting on Monday morning.

Over the past few days, he and Yibo have been using their time together, intensively and exclusively with each other, and rarely let others disturb them. And although they spent so much time together, it just never seemed to be enough. Sometimes Zhan wished the day had more hours or that he would need less sleep to get more from Yibo. It almost seemed like he and Yibo were desperately trying to pack the past three and a half years into just those two weeks and make up for everything they missed.

But of course, something like this is not possible, which both men were aware of. Nevertheless they both felt this inner pressure.

However, there were still a few things that had to be clarified. First of all, whether Yibo wanted to have contact to his mother again? At least for the time she still had left. Or if he really doesn't want to see her again. And then there is also Yibo's father, who also tried to convince Yibo that a relationship with another man isn't well received in society. And if Yibo really wants to be with Zhan, he should keep it a secret. And that's exactly what Yibo doesn't want.

Over the past few days, Zhan and Yibo had talked about Yibo's father again and again. And again and again Yibo had said that he doesn't want to have any more contact with his father. Especially not since he broke off contact with Hai Kuan half a year ago after he found out that Hai Kuan and Cheng are a couple.

Sadly, Yibo's father's eye disease returned and so he is once again in need of help. Help that Yibo would have gladly refused him, just like his big brother does. And Zhan could understand that very well. But on the other hand, Yibo was also worried, because apart from him, his father had no one else left. And whether he liked it or not, he was still his father despite everything. At least these were the reasons he mentioned to Zhan whenever Yibo went to see his father.

Zhan was not very enthusiastic about the fact that Yibo let himself be harnessed by his father and even cared for him, although he knew that his apparently homophobic father not only detested Zhan, but even threw his eldest son out of the house after his homosexuality came out. And besides, Zhan felt that Mr. Wang deserved no help and no pity after what he had done to Yibo at that time.

Even though years have passed and Yibo has forgiven him Zhan could neither forget nor forgive. This man should not be allowed to call himself father in Zhan's eyes. Often Zhan thought desperately how much bad luck Yibo had with his parents, whether it was his mother who abandoned him and made a decision for him that she should not have made. Or his father, who always looked away when Yibo was bullied by his stepmother. Three parents and all three were shitty and treated Yibo like dirt.

When Zhan came out of the bathroom after the shower, Yibo had just returned from his father and as always Yibo was silent for a while. Zhan assumed, to calm himself down a little bit. And then later, when he calm down again, he will tell Zhan what he had to be upset about today.

But since Yibo was more silent than usual this time, Zhan thought that things had really fallen apart again between him and his father. But when Yibo finally spoke, he said, "I have made a decision."

"Well, what is it?" Zhan asked confusedly, because Yibo left open what the decision was.

"I'm going to talk to my mother today. She doesn't deserve it, but she was no worse than my father and I' m in contact with him too."

"Um, okay." Zhan said. What else could he say? Forbid Yibo to talk to his own parents?

"I called my mom on the way over here and told her I wanted to meet up with her. I know that she and Hai Kuan have reconnected and met often. And I want that too. Even after all this, she is and will remain my mother, and maybe I can manage to forgive her before she dies."

"You don't have to explain it to me, Yibo. If you want to see her, go ahead." Zhan replied.

"Are you mad at me if I want to meet her alone?"

"No, of course not. Meet her, have a talk and come home when you're ready."

"I hope you don't think I mean to shut you out. I just want to talk to her alone for once."

"No Yibo, it's okay. Don't worry."

Of course Zhan was curious and wished he could be there. Even if it's just to help Yibo. But if Yibo didn't want him there, he accepted it. He would find something to distract himself in that time. And besides, Zhan wanted to visit his grandma. She's the only one he hasn't seen since he got back two weeks ago.

And from what Zhan has heard, his grandmother hasn't been in very good health lately. Zhan's parents told him that it could be that she's slowly coming to an end. And, if he wants to see her again, he should hurry.

Zhan was scared by the thought of seeing his grandma weak, dying in bed. But he really wanted to see her again and so he decided that if he has to spend the day without Yibo, he can go and visit his grandma.

Yibo hadn't even stayed home for an hour and didn't even wait for lunch before he went to meet his mother.

Zhan also got dressed as soon as Yibo had left the apartment and made the long way to his grandmother. He just hoped he would not be back too late and Yibo would start to worry. Because Zhan had not told him that he wanted to go to his grandmother. Somehow Zhan assumed that Yibo would have cancelled the meeting with his mother otherwise and accompanied Zhan.

Already half the way was behind Zhan, when he noticed that he left his cell phone at home. Again and again, he left it at home by mistake, since he still hadn't gotten used to carrying it around with him all the time. And this although he bought it specially to be always reachable.

Just before Zhan reached the place where his grandmother lives, he saw a lost soul wandering around by the roadside. Not the first since he set off. Again and again he noticed the restless wandering souls, who will probably never find out who they really are. They will simply dissolve without ever knowing where they came from. The thought made Zhan sad, but he also knew that he couldn't help every lost soul. Many don't even want help, as he also learned.

When Zhan reached his grandmother's house, it was the first time she didn't stand outside in the driveway to greet him. There was no freshly baked cake or freshly brewed tea on the table in the house either. It had been eerily quiet in the whole house. So eerie that Zhan even got goose bumps.

He knocked softly on his grandmother's bedroom door before opening it and seeing his sleeping grandmother lying in her bed surrounded by beeping machines. His parents had not exaggerated when they told him he had to hurry if he wanted to see her again.

Slowly Zhan walked over to his grandmother's bed, sat down on the chair next to it and held her hand. He cried when he saw her lying there so weak. He stroked her hand and spoke softly to her. But she did not even notice him. It was frightening for him to see her like that. She had always been old as far as he could remember her, but here and now she seemed to live for over a hundred years and is ready to meet her Master today.

The longer Zhan sat there looking at his grandmother, the clearer it became that this visit now, is nothing more than a bitter farewell to his so beloved grandmother. He regretted that he had not been able to see or speak to her in the past years. Inside he cursed about Wang Sanya, because she had refused him even that. But he also knew that his grandmother could understand this and therefore was not angry with him.

"You know, grandma, I hoped that when I returned, we could both talk about my training with the shaman. Imagine if we hadn't spent so much time working for our survival, the training would never have taken so long. I missed you a lot during those years, especially your good advice and your delicious cake. The tea was sometimes quite bitter, but it always quenched my thirst very well, so it was good too. I wish you could talk to me now and that I wouldn't have to see you like this. I can't imagine that you won't be around forever." Zhan said in tears. 

Zhan had no idea how long he had been sitting by his grandma's bed when he got tired and lay down on the small blue sofa in his grandma's bedroom. But when he woke up again, he immediately felt that he was no longer alone with his grandma. Because someone stroked his cheek.

Hastily Zhan opened his eyes and saw Yibo sitting next to him. "Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you up." Whispered Yibo.

"Oh, that's okay. How did you know I was here?" Zhan wanted to be confused.

"I felt it somehow. When I came home and you weren't there and your phone was there, I thought at first you were angry because I met my mother alone. But then I kind of felt that you were here and I came here."

Zhan hugged Yibo. " Thank you for coming here." He said, looking at his still sleeping grandma.

"You don't have to thank me for that ZhanZhan. I'm always there for you, no matter what. And if I'd known you were coming here today, I would have come with you right away."

"Mmm, I thought so, which is why I didn't say anything. I didn't want you to change your date with your mother."

"I could've met her tomorrow. Please let me know in the future if you're going anywhere. I'll go with you. You were always there for me then, and I want to be there for you now. How is she anyway? Has she been awake?"

"It doesn't look good. And I don't think she woke up. My mother said she hardly ever wakes up and that the doctor said she probably only had a few days left."

Zhan went back to his grandma's bed and sat next to her while Yibo sat on the chair by the bed. They talked to her as if she was awake and told her that they were a couple again and what plans they had for the future. Yibo even said, "And I plan to marry Zhan. But not right away. We'll take some time. But I promise I'm definitely gonna marry him."

It wasn't the first time Yibo spoke of marriage and Zhan wondered if they would really get married one day. They themselves never talked about it and so far Yibo has only mentioned it a few times.

But Zhan thought if Yibo asked him, he would never say no. But at the same time, he also told himself that they still had a lot of time for something like that and quickly repressed this thought again.

Yibo and Zhan stayed with Zhan's grandmother until the next morning, before Zhan said goodbye to her, without she waking up again in between. He hoped he could see her again before she died. Maybe he would be there when she died and he would see her soul leaving the body and who knows, maybe they could say goodbye to each other then.

On the drive home, Yibo told how the meeting with his mother ended. "We agreed to stay in touch and meet once a week. Besides, she will go to a nursing home in one month's time so as not to become a burden for your parents if her illness gets worse. I still don't know if I can ever forgive her. But I want to try. I don't want her to die and we part on bad terms."

Zhan could understand that. It's important not to part on bad terms. Because then at least there's nothing to regret. And maybe Sanya can use her remaining time to be a mother to Yibo and Hai Kuan. Not as a shaman who forces her youngest son into a fate he never wanted. But just a mother!