-45- Hard decisions

After a long conversation with his grandmother, Zhan had lain awake in bed for a long time and thought about how the relationship with him and Yibo should and can continue. But the longer he thought about it, the more aware he became that if he now only thinks about himself and not about what is good for Yibo, he could stand in the way of Yibo and thus his dream of studying and becoming a social pedagogue.

And what right did Zhan have to take himself more seriously than Yibo's wish? For too long he had ignored Yibo's true wishes and had only thought of himself. Yes, he only wanted Yibo to be happy, healthy and comfortable, so he did everything for it. But he did it to keep Yibo with him and not to lose him. He was acting out of pure selfishness, as he realized.

Zhan realized that hard decisions lay ahead of him and Yibo and that these decisions would determine their future together. And it was already clear to him which decision Yibo would have to make if he wanted to make his dream come true.

And then there was something else that forced him to make another decision. His grandmother had given him a letter that she had received only one day before. It was addressed to Zhan and from a shaman who invited Zhan to his home to learn from him. Although Zhan had wanted to wait, it seemed that the time had come. It came as his grandmother told him, that he would receive an invitation.

When Zhan came into the living room in the morning, still totally tired, Yibo was sitting there on the sofa with his grandmother. Zhan was completely surprised to see him there, but also happy.

"ZhanZhan, can we talk?" Asked Yibo quietly.

"Not now. I have an idea. How about we have a nice day today, go to the club in the evening and talk afterwards?"

"Um, I don't know. I thought we could talk now. It' d be really important to me."

"Come on, Yibo. Let's just have fun today and then we'll talk later. I promise."

"All right. What do you want to do?"

"How about you and me going to that river you love and spending some time there? And after that we could go to the cinema, have some dinner and then go to the club for an hour."

Zhan's grandma looked at him thoughtfully. Was she already reading his mind? Did she already know what Zhan was up to?

"Okay, let's do it." Yibo replied reluctantly.

And they did. First, they went to the river where all the trees had lost most of their leaves. They looked gray and bleak, like everything else here this time of year. Even the lawn was just an ugly looking green and brown. Only here and there were a few last bushes and shrubs where there was still some green to be seen.

As they walked along the river for a while, Yibo held Zhan's hand firmly. They didn't talk much and if they did, it was only about the weather. Zhan casually mentioned, "If someone doesn't know what to talk about, he talks about the weather." But it didn't lighten their mood.

"ZhanZhan, can't we talk now?"

"Yibo, let's please, please just enjoy this day and act like everything's fine. And later, I promise we'll talk. I can't do this right now."

"But when you talk like this, you scare me. How can I have a good day?"

"Don't be scared. You'll see, everything will be fine."

"Well, if you say so." Yibo answered in a strained voice.

Even the movie at the cinema or dinner at the restaurant couldn't raise their moods. They mostly looked sadly at each other and avoided really speaking.

When they arrived at the club, the bass boomed so hard that Zhan felt the vibrations in his whole body. And there, for the first time that day, Yibo smiled. Zhan knew that Yibo missed the music and dancing so much and it filled him with warmth when he saw Yibo smile, as he too could feel the vibrations of the bass in his body.

When finally after more than half an hour, a quiet, slow song was played, Zhan held his hand to Yibo and said, " Dance with me. I bet you can do it."

Yibo nodded, grabbed Zhan's hand and together they walked onto the dance floor. They danced slowly and at least for that one moment, the world had been okay for them. Zhan saw how happy Yibo was that they were both dancing. And Zhan was happy that he could fulfill Yibo's wish that they dance together again.

But one hour later the two were already back home. Even though Yibo can walk again, he still needs some rest at some point so that it doesn't get too much. They sat on the bed in their room and Zhan gave Yibo a bank card. Then he said, "I didn't open just one account for you then, but two. I was splitting the money into both accounts in case anything happened. With this money, you have enough money to study without depending on your father. I wanted to give you this after you found a university. I wanted to surprise you. But you can't wait that long."

"ZhanZhan? Why are you giving it to me now? I haven't found a university yet."

"I know. But if you want to study abroad, it might not be so bad if you're there in case you get an interview there. And my mom wrote me a note this morning saying a letter arrived for you from a university in California." Zhan gave the letter to Yibo and he opened it.

"This is a commitment!" Said Yibo with eyes wide open.

"Mmm, my grandmother told me yesterday you'd be accepted."

"But I don't want to go until I've tried everything here." Said Yibo.

"Yibo, the chances of you getting into a university here are very bad. You said so yourself. This university in California is really good and I think you should take this chance and make your dream come true. Take the money, fly out there and study."

"But ZhanZhan, what will happen to us? I don't want us to be broken up. I don't want us to be apart. I love you. I want us to be together." Yibo responded crying.

Zhan, who also couldn't hold back his tears now, said, "I know. And I love you too. I don't want our relationship to be over either. But I don't want to stand in the way of you and your dream. I want you to make your dream come true. And look how lucky you are. The new academic year has already started and they're still taking you in. Don't throw it away and accept it."

"But you don't stand in the way of me and my dream, ZhanZhan. You're as much my dream as studying. I don't want to lose you."

"I am standing between you and your dream. I know that all too well. But I don't want that. I don't want to be so selfish as to keep you here because of my feelings and take away this great and wonderful opportunity. Think about your future, your career aspirations and grab the opportunity that comes your way. Don't let anything or anyone stop you, not even me."

"But ZhanZhan..."

"No more buts Yibo. I know you love me and I know you want to be with me. And I feel the same way about you. But, sometimes we have to make hard choices. And that meant sometimes we have to break up with the people we love. We'll pack your belongings in the morning, and then I'll take you to your father's so you can spend a few more days together."

"I want to stay with you, ZhanZhan. I don't want to go to my Dad."

"You won't be able to see your father for a long time, and neither will your brother. We can say goodbye tomorrow. Then you'll spend the days until Saturday morning with your dad. He'll take you to the airport and then you can finally fulfill your dream."

"Why don't you want to spend the rest of the days with me?"

"Because I want you to spend time with your family. And as soon as I drop you off tomorrow, I'll be on my way. Because I got an invitation from a shaman. I'm going to accept it and get trained by him. It will be the best way."

"Will we meet again?"

"That would be nice. But the truth is, I don't know the answer. Many things can happen in the years to come. Like you meet someone else and fall in love. Or you're gonna like it so much in California you wanna stay there."

"That will never happen, Zhan. Never! I'm not falling in love with anyone else for sure, and I'll be back when I graduate from university! And then I hope you'll be there because then I'll still want you as much as I did then and as much as I do now." Yibo said.

Zhan had no doubt that in a few years, he would still love Yibo as much as he does today. But he didn't want to think that far ahead. Because he's afraid he'll get his hopes up too high and not get what he's hoping for all along.

When the two of them were in bed, Zhan was very tired, but he could not sleep. He lay beside Yibo and looked at him. He missed him already now and he wanted to pack his bags and accompany Yibo himself. But of course he could not do that. And even now he was already terrified to say goodbye.