The crowd moved, excited and parted like the red sea and I was Moses walking through. Listening to the praises and calls of the fans that practically worshiped me. Surrounded by many and smiling at the fame yet inside I was dying from the pain. How can someone smothered feel so alone?

"We love you." On the inside I was numb.
"You bring life to me!" How can I when I am dead myself?
"You're so inspirational" No I am NOT.

Be nothing like me.

I hear it all the time and each time my blood boils hotter and my emotions go colder. It's like a drug. I love it yet I loath it too. I can't find a way out so I ride through the pain. Gained everything and became a somebody yet I feel so empty on the inside. All this fame, all this glory, all this LOVE.

Yet I still feel empty.
Being inspirational to others yet it is I who needs inspiration.
How ironic.

How absurdly funny!

...There was only one person who was an inspiration in my life but I haven't seen her in such a long time. Years have passed and somehow...she faded away from my life or perhaps it was I that faded away from hers. Speaking with my fans yet ignoring their cries I reflect back on a past I left so long ago.

Lately I've been wishing for time to rewind. For me to be but a small child again. Back to that stage where everything made sense even when it didn't. Back to when the world didn't seem that opaque on the farm where roosters crowed and animals ran about. Dogs barked and giggles resounded from the kitchen in a tiny trailer home. The smell of fresh cobbler drifted out the over and into my ten year old's nostrils. My once wide brown eyes -filled with life- would watch as my grandma served some of the fresh baked goodies into two bowls with vanilla ice cream on top.

It was fun to watch the two opposite deserts mix. Hot and cold yet complimented each other so well! Grandma and me would walk out into the front house and sit on the large swing and talk as we savored each bite of our treat.

My grandma was someone I always admired.
Loving and kind.
Gentle and hardworking.

She was more than a grandmother to me though.

With the loss of my mother at the age of five, growing up with my grandma and her two sons -my uncle- she was my mother. Some that took care of me and loved me. Just hugging her made the monsters vanish and ultimate safety covered me.

She loved hard.
Worked even though her bones ached
And pressed on when everything in her cried for relief.

Never hated even when people deserved it. Forgave even those who didn't deserve it. Also passed on knowledge even to those who never listened.

She was genuine. A star people overlooked yet was so beautiful to many others. Someone normal yet unforgettable. She could talk for hours on end, never hushed down and I would listen to everything that came out her mouth. Even if I heard the stories many times I would still be on the edge of my sit, hooked on every word. Entranced by stories that meant nothing to others but meant everything to me. Just listening to her made me never want to shut my ears.

And her heartbeat!
Each time she hugged me to her chest
I would lay my head where her main organ was

And bask in the sound of her heartbeat.

We were so close...what happened I often pondered. I guess I grew up. Reality got distorted and we drifted apart. I followed my way and it ended up leading me away from her. I followed my dreams and now I'm stuck in a nightmare. No way out and the highest I climb the more I seem to hit rock bottom.

I try being loving.
I try doing things right.
I try being perfect

Just like my grandmother was.

Yet I find myself failing. Falling in this black hole and I can't see the sun anymore. Trapped and crowded yet so alone with just my thoughts as company. What did I do wrong? Where did I go wrong? Looking out into the crowd once more, I hold in a whine as I brace myself for the bombard of lunatics all shouting to be heard. One over another that it's no longer pleasing to my ears. They all sound the same to me: They sound like cries of agony.

In the limo I find myself thinking of the past more.
Thinking of my grandmother more.
Thinking about what made her shine.

What did she have?!

It bothers me because she has so little yet she's content and I have so much and I am unsatisfied. She's not someone famous yet is unforgettable. I am famous yet as Macbeth put it: I am a means to an end.

What's her secret?
How does she do it?
Who inspired her???

Plagued with these thoughts I grab my phone and dial a number I haven't looked at in a long time...

"Hello?" It's the same as I remembered in my childhood and for a couple seconds I find tears welling up in my eyes. It's like back when I was a kid again. I just wanted to hear her talk. Listen to her words and get lost in the safety that washed over me. "Hello? Someone there?" I swallow the unexpected sob down and clear my throat.

"Grandma?" It doesn't come out confident like it does with everyone else. It's small...scared. "It's me...your granddaughter." I wondered for a second if she even wants to talk to me. It's been years since I even made contact with her. Perhaps she's busy and I'm disturbing her...it's late in the night after all.

"Oh! Hi mija! It's been so long," I close my eyes and wait for the anger I deserve. Tears start pouring out my eyes but I hold in the gasps and sobs that wrack my body making me shiver like a leaf. "I'm so glad you called!" Why isn't she angry with me?!

Why is she talking like I've never left?!
Why isn't she hating me?!
Why is there still love in her voice towards me...

"How you been?" I open my mouth but the words don't come out right. They are stuck in my esophagus making my throat feel bruised. "You still there?" The concern in her voice make the guilt inside burn more. I want to see her yet I'm glad she can't see me...I don't want her to see these tears of mine and get worried.

Forcing a laugh that came out more broken than anything I answer at last. "I'm fine grandma! I...I just wanted to talk to you..." I wanted to hear your voice and feel the warmth chase the monsters in me away. "I'm s-sorry I haven't called in a...while."

"Don't be! You're busy." No I'm not...
"How you doing?" I think I'm losing my mind...
"I'm so happy to hear your voice!" I feel so guilty for ignoring yours!

"Everything good grandma. I'm on my way home right now..." I don't want to go home. I don't want to go back to that empty penthouse where it's just me and my insanity playing together. I always end up losing. Just look at the scars on my wrists... "Um...I miss you grandma." I say awkwardly then blurt out "I think I will visit you in a couple of day and maybe stay with you and grandpa for some time...maybe a week or two. I don't know. If it's alright that is?" That wasn't planned but I just wanted her again. I wanted to be near her, see her, be hugged by her and just sit in her presence and listen to her speak.

"Oh mija I would love that!" Her voice goes teary and I get sad hearing little sniffles on the other end of the line. "I would love for you to visit me. I missed you so much. I thank God you called today. I was thinking about you mija. About the time you always came over and we would just talk. You would massage my head and we would eat cobbler with ice cream."

"Grandma..." The sobs finally break loose and I bawl right there in the limo, uncaring about the looks the driver gives me and the makeup my tears ruin. "I am so sorry!" Everything comes out now. "I've ignored you for so long...I walked away and didn't turn back...I feel so broken right now and lost. I wanted everything so badly that I let it consume me. I gained the world but I ended up losing you! I feel so empty...I hate this! I hate myself! Some days I wake up wanting to throw everything away...what did I do wrong?! What is wrong with me grandma!? Grandma...I'm sorry...just so darn sorry!"

I wanted to hide.
Grow smaller and smaller
And disappear.

Silence stretched between us and it made me cry more. I wanted her to say something. Agree that I'm a mess up. That I'm low and don't even deserve good things my way! Selfish! Dirt. Hanging up would even do justice because then I would be getting exactly what I deserved but none of that is what I got. Instead I got a "Oh my Candy..."

"Sorry..."
"Shh."
"G-grand-grandma..."

"Shh...shh." Why isn't she giving me what I deserve!

"Don't say such things about yourself my Candy." She cuts me off when I try cutting in. "It hurt when you ignored my calls and haven't came to see me once. I felt so sad when you left me but Candy, I still love you. You're my sweet Candy and no matter what you've done and is going through, you called. You called me and you will always be welcomed back."

"But..." I hiccuped.

"You distance yourself but right now you're finally opening back up and I love that. It hurts me hearing the pain in your voice but I thank God you are trusting me again. I can't wait until you come here and we can talk once more. Face to face. I missed you so much."

I can't believe it.
Yet I'm so happy for it.
"Grandma..."

Calmness washed over me at that moment and as I dried my tears and took a couple deep breaths I had to ask. "Why do you love so much grandma? What...what inspires you to be the way you are?" A trip over my words but I have to know. "What's your inspiration?"

Not a second passed by
When she answered
And it made me hold my breath in awe.

"God is my inspiration."  

(A/N: So this story was originally meant for a writing contest but it didn't turn out the way I originally planned. Amen for that! I still turned it in but I just felt like posting it on here and pray that it speaks to others. So often we chase things that we want, things that suck life out of us yet it seems all fun and dandy. We end up losing those that truly fed life into us. Writing this...is close to my heart and amazingly it made me realize things too and learn a lot as well. The prodigal son...what Paul says about how being nice and loving to our enemies is like placing hot coals on their heads, forgiveness and going back to the one that give life! What makes us truly shine! I pray you all or even just one can see what I am talking about. I pray somehow and in someway Lord Jesus that you speak to somebody with this tiny story of mine. Amen.)

Until next time and GOD BLESS YOU!