* means it's a flashback ^-^

Phil's point of view.

*

"Oh my gosh, you're such an idiot!" Dan chuckled, playfully pushing me forward, causing me to stumble slightly.

"No, I'm amazing!" I yelled, not really caring that we were getting some weird looks from other pedestrians.

"Debateable.."

"Even my YouTube name says so."

"Fair enough." They carried on walking and, as they were about to reach the crossing, Dan turned around to look at his boyfriend. "I love you, you know? You're just such a dork. An adorable dork."

"Why, thank you! I love you too. Come on, let's get home."

"Yeah, it's getting pretty late." I wasn't really paying attention about where I was going and made the mistake of stepping out into the road. I thought it was clear but a car zoomed around the corner, so fast that one hit could cause a life time's amount of injuries.

"Phil, move!" Dan screamed, running forward and shoving me out of the way.

I hit the ground and I cried out. My head was pounding and my ankle aching but I didn't care- Dan was in direct hit of the car. I painfully pulled myself up to check on him but I couldn't look; there Dan was.. all battered and bruised.

He looked dead. Why couldn't it have been me?

*

Say something, I'm giving up on you

I'll be the one, if you want me to

Anywhere, I would've followed you

Say something, I'm giving up on you

"Phil, we have some bad news regarding Daniel. Please sit." The doctor pulled out a chair and I sat down in it, not ready to hear what was about to come. "I'm so sorry but the car hit was so much force-" I couldn't bear the rest so I covered my ears with my hands, tears falling already.

"I don't want to know!" I screamed, shaking my head, just wanting to escape. "C-Can I see h-him?"

"It was quick, he felt almost no pain-"

"Can I see him?" The doctor nodded, standing up and guiding me through to Dan's room. The curtains were drawn to hide what was about to break me but I forced them open.

And there Dan was, lying limp, his eyes closed.

But he wasn't asleep this time.

And I am feeling so small

It was over my head

I know nothing at all

"Hey, Dan." I smiled softly, placing my hand on his frozen heart.

*

"Dan! Stop overreacting! You're not going to die young!" I told him, chuckling at his face-first position on the floor. "You've got years and years left."

"Do I, Phil? Do I..? I could be in some freak accident. What then? Will I be remembered as someone who acted like a total idiot on the internet? How pathetic.."

"It's not pathetic. You're famous. Plus what are the odds you'd be in a freak accident? Like a million to one? It's not going to happen!"

"Famous? For what? Being a fool?"

"Famous for being you. There are all these fake singers, dancers, actors, they're all posers. When you are you, you aren't controlled by managements, you aren't forced to say things you'd never say in real life. You are just you. People love you for you."

"I don't know.. it's never good to be you."

"That's just what people want you to think. Being you is the best thing you can do. I don't love anyone else, I love you. For you."

"I love you for you, too."

"Come on, I'll make us some coffee and we can go watch anime."

"Okay."

*

"I suppose, even in one in a million, there's still a chance it can happen." A tear trailed down my cheek as I looked straight into his closed eyes. "I still love you for you and I always will." I nodded, brushing his fringe away from his shut eyes.

"Why couldn't I have died. I wish you never pushed me out of the way.."

And I will stumble and fall

I'm still learning to love

Just starting to crawl

"You have to leave now.." The doctor told him and he hung his head in sorrow.

"Thank you." I whispered, before leaving Dan to his peace. The hot tears didn't distract me as I left the building, they didn't change how numb I was currently feeling, they didn't change what had happened.

*

"PHIL!" Dan giggled, pushing me off the bed and onto the floor.

"Dan! Stop it!" I screeched as my butt hit the floor before jumping up and leaping towards my boyfriend.

"Nope! You're not getting a kiss until you admit that I am the superior gamer!"

"You-" I attacked his sides with tickles and couldn't help but let out the tiniest giggle at how vulnerable he was.

"Superior gamer?" Dan finished off through fits of giggles.

"Idiot!" I didn't stop tickling him as he screeched and squirmed beneath my touch.

"STOP!" He giggled, looking cuter than ever but, trust me, I'd do anything for a kiss.

"Not until you kiss me!"

"N-NO!" Dan was a laughing mess and I knew he was close to giving in. "AGH- NO! Kiss me you idiot." I smirked at my victory whilst I leant in to receive my prize.

*

More tears spilt down my cheeks at the unbearable memories. More and more bombarded me, leaving me nothing but an emotional wreck. I just wanted him back.

Say something, I'm giving up on you

I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you

Anywhere, I would've followed you

Say something, I'm giving up on you

*

I was running in the snow, back in 2009, in Dan's hat and gloves as I had forgotten mine back at home. Dan was behind me in nothing but a shirt and jeans. He must have been freezing because I sure was. "Are you sure you don't want your hat?" I wondered aloud, walking forward a little.

"Yeah, I'm fine." He reassured and mere seconds later, I felt the impact of a snowball on my back.

"I can't throw back! You'll get cold." I chuckled, shrugging and carrying on walking.

"What, too wimp?"

"Oh, that's it!" I made the perfect snowball in my hands and chucked it in Dan's general direction. It hit his chest area and he smirked a little.

"IT'S ON!" He screamed throwing a snowball back with so much force it made me wobble.

That night we ended up snuggling together in bed, remembering the day's events and sipping at warm hot chocolates. It was amazing.

*

"We are here today to celebrate the life on Daniel James Howell." The person started speaking, making eye contact with some of Dan's distant family. I pulled my knees up onto the chair and hugged them close, not really paying my full attention to the woman talking.

"He died young from a hit and run. A disaster for us all." I could already feel the warm tears running down my face but I didn't care; I loved Dan.

"His boyfriend, Phil Lester would like to say a few words." I stood up and ignored the way everyone's eyes stared at me, wandering to the front.

"Dan wasn't just my boyfriend, he was also my best friend." I paused, inhaling deeply to gather my words.

"We had some amazing times together and only had arguments in the single digits. He was a fairly happy man, I suppose but when he was upset I was always there, he knew that." I thickly swallowed, unsure if I'd be able to finish.

"One time in particular I remember him being upset. I'll never forget it since I lied to him, that day. He was having another one of his regular existential crises and he was saying that he was going to die young and had wasted his life. I promised him he wouldn't and.. well look at this.. it happened." I choked up on my words a little, letting tears fall freely down my stinging cheeks.

"I-I also made him s-something." I mumbled, unfolding the creased piece of paper in my hands. "A video for my boyfriend." I nodded and someone started the video.

It opened with a short video of Dan laughing; his laugh was a gift to the world. I somehow managed to flash a small smile as it happened. The rest where just snippets of his videos, most sent a sense of realism throughout the room. This was actually happening- Dan Howell, my boyfriend, was no longer here.. and it was my fault. The clip finished with the goodbye from his last ever video. That triggered most of the sobs in the room.

"He will be missed. Thank you." I hung my head low and walked towards my seat, just letting the tears fall.

And I will swallow my pride

You're the one that I love

And I'm saying goodbye

"Dan, I love you. I wish you never left me. This is my fault." I knelt down on the grass and sighed. "It could have been me. Now I have to keep saying goodbye."

"You know, sometimes I consider death.. I consider the easiness of just overdosing, of cutting a vein, of just.. jumping off some edge. It could happen."

"Maybe then I'll be with you."

Say something, I'm giving up on you

And I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you

And anywhere, I would have followed you

Oh-oh-oh-oh say something, I'm giving up on you

He was the last person I thought about as I crashed into the abyss of blue. Maybe now I'll be with him.

Say something, I'm giving up on you

Say something..