TW: Emotional abuse and, on one occasion, physical abuse, anxiety and panic attacks.

"Who are you talking to?" Phil's head lifted up from his phone to look at his boyfriend, James.

"Just someone I met on YouTube," Phil mumbled quietly, frowning when James held out his hand for his phone. "I need to at least say goodbye?"

"No, you know I don't like it when you talk to other people. You might leave me and I can't handle that..." James took the device and scrolled through a few of the messages. "You seem to like him a lot."

"No, he's just a nice person. He was giving me advice for my YouTube videos."

James nodded, turning off Phil's phone and pocketing it. "I'll give this back to you soon, I just... I'm scared."

"I-I know," Phil looked down at his lap, fiddling with his hands because he was the one who was really afraid. "I won't leave you." James took Phil's hand into his own and it took everything in Phil not to flinch away.

-

Phil: Please don't talk to me again

Dan: Why? Is something wrong?

Phil: No, I just don't want to talk to you anymore

Dan: Phil? This isn't like you?

-

"What are you doing on my phone?" Phil timidly asked, watching as James was typing something out.

"Nothing, just looking at some of the photos of us. We're so cute." Phil nodded as James deleted the messages so that Phil would never know. "Do you want to go out for dinner?"

"I don't know... I have a YouTube video I need to record."

"Please, Phil? You do care about me, right?"

"Of course, I just-"

"It's settled! We're going out for dinner! I love you so much."

"I love you equally..."

-

"Phil, what's the point?" James sat down on Phil's bed beside his boyfriend, their thighs touching. Phil suddenly felt really uncomfortable as he looked up at his old camera which he hadn't turned on yet. He just wanted to be alone so he could record a YouTube video and upload it: people were beginning to worry about his inactivity on the website.

"What's the point in what?" Phil's voice was so quiet, not even resembling his old confidence in the smallest way. He had become just a shell of the man he was, anxious and terrified of the people he knew and the world around him.

"Recording YouTube videos. You're never going to make it. Why would anyone want to watch you, rambling about why you were a weird kid? You're quite a boring person too, you know? Maybe the people subscribed to you are only subscribed out of pity."

"They aren't. They genuinely care about me."

"How do you know that? I think you should quit before you get too devoted to the site and are just let down by your subscribers."

"I don't want to quit, James." YouTube was the one thing his boyfriend couldn't take from him. It was the only place he felt safe and like he could be himself. He wasn't timid Phil on the site, he was AmazingPhil, a confident character who was happy. He would do anything if it meant James didn't take away his safe place.

"You should. I hate YouTube because it could mean you find someone else. I can't handle even the thought of you leaving me." Phil fiddled with his sleeves, pulling them over his hands: it was just a habit he did whenever he got anxious.

"I won't. It's just something I'm passionate about." Phil never ever defended himself. He just let James do whatever he wanted to him because it made things easier; by defending himself he made it worse.

"You're going to leave me, aren't you?" James' voice was shaking and Phil looked up to see he had tears in his eyes. He felt his body freeze as he watched a tear drop down his boyfriend's cheek and it was all his fault.

"No, no, no! I'm not! I just really like YouTube: it makes me happy." James turned to him, bringing a hand up and slapping his boyfriend. Phil brought a pale hand to his face and closed his eyes tight, feeling the sting it had left and suddenly having the urge to cry.

"And I don't make you happy? I do everything for you and I'm just protecting you from people who will hurt you."

"But-"

"If you don't want me then fine. I can't deal with you anymore. Oh and good luck finding someone who will love you again. You're pathetic and stupid and no one will ever love you like I did." James slammed Phil's bedroom door shut as the man began to cry. He pulled his knees to his chest and sobbed into them, feeling completely alone in the world.

-

"I'm sorry, Phil. Please don't leave me: I can't live without you. I need you because you make me happy and keep me going. Without you, I'm nothing. I might as well die if I'm not with you." Phil looked up into James' eyes. He couldn't tell if the sadness was genuine or if it was just an act. Either way, he was afraid of what James would do if he didn't forgive him.

"I-I won't." Phil's knees were shaking so much as James hugged him tightly. He felt so weak because he knew he had made a mistake. He needed to escape the relationship.

There will be a part 2!

What's the last thing you do before you sleep?

I usually watch YouTube? It sounds a bit weird that it's part of my nightly routine but I usually get upset before I sleep because you know thoughts and crap so watching YouTube always makes me laugh and it makes me happy enough to sleep? Does that make sense?