TW: Anxiety, panic attacks and mentions of rape.

I have never written about this topic (rape) before so, please, if something is inaccurate or offensive, TELL ME. I don't want to portray this incorrectly and I most certainly don't want to romanticise it. If any of you have experienced this, I highly advise you not to read this one shot for your own safety.

Phil's point of view

The night of July 26th will always be stuck in my mind. It was the day it happened. It was the day that my boyfriend changed forever.

Dan was really excited to go and see some of his university friends that he hadn't been in touch with for a while. He was dressed up smartly in a button-up shirt and skinny jeans, ready to go to a party. He kissed my cheek and smiled as he said, "I'll be back before one in the morning. Don't stay up and wait for me though."

He knew I'd stay up anyway but I assured him I wouldn't. He waved me goodbye and then he left. What I didn't know was that he would never be the same, hyper, confident man again.

To pass the time quickly, I sat with my laptop on my lap, scrolling through Tumblr. I reblogged a couple of posts that had made me laugh softly to myself. I wasn't too bored and time was passing at a decent enough pace. I hadn't heard from Dan but I didn't think anything of it, assuming he was just having a good time catching up with his friends.

Then the clock struck one- not that I was watching it or anything. I frowned, glancing to the closed front door and expecting him to walk through it. He didn't. He didn't for another hour. That hour I had spent still on Tumblr to distract myself from the feeling in the pit of my stomach that told me something wasn't quite right. When he walked through the door, I jumped up, about to ramble out about how worried I was that he was late, but I stopped myself once I looked at him. He had a black eye and his eyes were rimmed with a bright red colour.

"Dan? Are you okay?" I questioned, examining his state. He was shivering violently, his jacket absent and it wasn't only his face that was bruised. He ignored my question, turning to leave. "Where's your jacket?" He stopped and all he did was shrug. He then silently headed upstairs and so I walked in the direction of my bedroom, leaving him alone.

-

Dan continued to act peculiarly the next morning. He spent an unneeded amount of time in the shower and, when he came out, I noticed his arms were red, as if rubbed raw. "Dan, are you okay?" I made sure to ask when he sat down on the sofa beside me with a bowl of cereal. He nodded but still didn't say a word, pushing some of his cereal around with his spoon. When he did bring the spoon up to his lips, I noticed his hand was shaking so much that some of the milk was dripping back down into the bowl. "What happened at the party? You seem... upset."

"I don't want to talk about it, Phil." Dan mumbled. I wasn't sure if I should have been ecstatic to hear his voice because it sounded just as broken as his appearance.

"Please, love. You're covered in bruises... if someone hurt you-"

"No." He abruptly cut me off so I reached over and brushed the tip of my finger over the black around his eye. He flinched and my heart shattered.

"Love..."

"I said I don't want to talk about it." He slammed his bowl down onto the table, some of the milk swaying inside it. It was still half full but the other man didn't seem to care as he got up and stormed out of the room.

I made the decision of following him after a few minutes. I stood in front of his room, pressing my ear against the door as I heard him let out a gentle cry. I pushed the door open and hesitantly sat by his side. His response was to pull his knees to his chest and bury his head into them. I placed a hand on his back but he flinched again so I pulled it back.

"Dan. Whatever happened... I can help you, okay? If you're ashamed or whatever, don't be. You know I've been upset over really stupid things before. Like when I cried because Chris-" Dan looked up at me and, with his empty eyes, it looked like he was staring right through me.

"I cheated on you." He whispered so quietly that I had to strain to hear it. My mouth opened slightly as I attempted (and failed) to conjure up a response. I shuffled away from him a little, hurt that the man I had once thought was perfect had done something like that. He choked out a sob, his whole body shaking.

"What- Why- Who-" I could only start questions. I didn't know which to ask first and I wasn't even entirely sure of how much I wanted to know.

"Please don't leave me, Phil..." I stood up, beginning to pace up and down the room. I had no idea how to react to the news: my heart was racing and I had the urge to cry but I never wanted to lose the man. I needed him, as much as I hated to admit it.

"I just- I thought you were better than that. I thought you loved me."

"I do! He was the one who kissed me and I couldn't stop him. I tried- I tried to push him away but he wouldn't stop." I felt a sudden wave of anger so I brought my fist back and sent it flying towards the wall. It wasn't hard enough to do any damage but it put out some of the fire that was burning in the pit of my chest. I couldn't imagine Dan kissing another man, let alone anything else. I didn't want to think about it.

"Go. Just go if you don't want to be with me anymore..." Dan was rapidly shaking his head and suddenly the logical side of me kicked it. What about the bruises? "Wait, that doesn't explain the bruises," He went silent so I squinted my eyes, trying so hard to figure him out. "Is there something you're not telling me?"

"I told you, I tried to push him away. He wouldn't let me say no." I watched closely as a tear dripped down his cheek, falling onto his knee before disappearing.

"You know you're making it sound like he-"

"Don't say it."

"Why?"

"I didn't say no enough so it wasn't that word. I gave in eventually so.. doesn't that... doesn't that count as consent?" His breathing was ragged and so I was genuinely worried he was going to suffocate himself. Finally understanding, I sat back down to him and left a centimetre or so gap between us so I wouldn't freak him out.

"Dan, breathe for me..." He shut his eyes, listening to my breathing patterns and attempting to recreate them. The room was silent for a while as he started to get his breath back. "Saying no once is enough. You didn't consent. What did he do? Just kiss you?"

"Phil," He glanced at me with fear-filled eyes and I took that as the cue to wrap my arms around him. I held him tightly as he cried, letting him know I was there for him and I was going to protect him for as long as I could. "He- He-"

I hushed him, rubbing his back gently. "You don't need to explain. I get it..." Someone had raped my boyfriend and he thought it was his fault. My body shivered as I simply thought of the word. "We need to go to the police."

He tightly grabbed my shirt, gripping onto it with all his might. His knuckles were turning white as he frantically shook his head. "He knew who I was and he said- he said- he said he'd hurt you."

"We need to, Dan. I'll be okay. If he ever tries to hurt me, I'll murder him. He hurt my boyfriend and no one can do that." He was doubtful but I somehow managed to convince him to talk to someone about it.

Just to let you know, last Saturday was the deadline for people to send in photos for my MYSTERIOUS PROJECT. I have started to work on it but please bear with me because it might take me a while.

By the way, there will be a part 2 to this one shot :)