Her POV

It has now been 9 months since he broke up with me. 7 months since I lost my baby. 6 months since I came to terms with the fact that he forced himself on me. 6 months since I came to terms with the fact that he abused me. 5 months since I stopped self harming.

I've moved on, I suppose. I've dated someone since then. I've talked to guys since then. I've had a situationship since then. I've had sex since then, and yet I still think about him.

The nightmares haven't stopped, unfortunately. I still sometimes dream of him in bed next to me; but often times when I see him at night he's on top of me when I don't want it.

I've changed since the whole ordeal. Although I'm not sure if anyone has linked my changing to my want of abolishing the girl I was when I was with him. I've changed nonetheless.

I like to imagine I'm better now than I was when he was in my life, but I know that I'm still the same scared girl he had pinned down in his bed...the same messed up girl he had so desperately attached to him.

I don't think about those months anymore. I've all but purged them from my memory, but I still miss him. He's sadly the only real relationship I've ever had and that's so fucked in so many ways. A friend told me I only miss him because he's the only thing I have to compare to, and I long for another physical relationship to replace that one.

I want to replace the memory of being held in his arms and hearing him say "You smell just like you did the day we met." Just like I want to replace the memory of him wiping my tears and holding my face. Exactly like how I want to replace the memory of him telling me "If I ever find out you're pregnant I'll kill it." and "You're stupid asf for getting pregnant." as if it was my choice...

I only told one friend I was pregnant, and he told me that he was sure I would be a great mom. Even through all my doubts and fears, he told me I could do it. At the time I couldn't imagine myself being a mom and I even considered getting an abortion knowing that no one in my family would know I had one, or was even pregnant for that matter.

But now when I think about it...think about how I could've been a mom right now to an innocent little girl or boy despite how I conceived them or who their biological father would've been, I feel my heart ache. No I wouldn't wish being a teen parent to a child conceived from r@pe on even my worst enemy, but I can't help but think of what my Angel baby would've been like.

Who would they have looked like more? Would they have had my straight hair or my ex's curly hair? Would they have had my Japanese almond eyes or my ex's slanted Korean eyes? Would they have been pale like me or tanned like him? When they grew up, would they have been short like the both of us or would my recessive tall genes have caught up with them? Would my predominantly Caucasian genetics have taken over in them like they did in me or would my ex's Hispanic genetics take over like they did in him? Or would my ex and I's Asian genetics show more present in our baby than us? Would they have had brown eyes like us or colored eyes like some of my family? Would they have looked like a perfect mix of us?

I want to know. I want to know what their laugh would've sounded like. I want to know what their voice would've sounded like. I want to know what their favorite toy(s) would've been. I want to know what their favorite show(s) would've been. I want to know what their favorite movie(s) would've been. I want to know what their favorite game(s) would've been. I want to know what their favorite food(s) would've been. I want to know what their favorite drink(s) would've been. I want to know what their favorite color(s) would've been. I want to know what their favorite song(s) would've been. I want to know what their favorite animal(s) would've been.

I just wish I could've gotten the chance to know my child.