Her POV:

I'm so goddamn tired all the time now. But it's not even regular tired anymore; it's just plain fucking exhaustion. I'm sick and tired of it. The late nights where I want to sleep but I can't stop fucking thinking about him. He knows I can't either and he loves to torture me over it. He's abrasive and intrusive and irritating. He's an agonizing pain of my recent past that I can't get over.

I'm so much better than this and I've gotten over so much worse. So why am I so sickeningly stuck on him? He's like a cut that never stops bleeding or a bruise that never heals. I'm always the one stuck wiping up the blood or concealing the brown and purple blotches.

Why does he affect me like this? Why can I still feel my heart drop like the booming bass of a thunderstorm? No. That's not right. Thunderstorms are peaceful. He's a bothersome hyena that never shuts up and never takes anything serious unless it's a chance for him to take something precious and maul it to death.

Why was he the one time I chose to trust again? Why did I waste my time, energy, and patience on someone I saw the red flags in from the beginning? It's like I wanted to get hurt. Every time something went wrong and I chose to believe his lies over the rational truth like an idiot.

I want to blame myself, I do blame myself. I want to hate him, but I can't. How can you hate someone you don't even know? How can you hate someone who showed you the best parts of yourself? How can I hate someone who helped me get through the nights, and the screaming, and the breakdowns? How can you hate someone that played a part so well that the person you were when you were with them still believes in that lie?

I have spent countless hours, days, weeks, struggling to put him out of my mind. I didn't leave my room, fucking hell, I didn't leave my bed for nearly 7 weeks because I couldn't find the energy I had all but spent on crying. I spent 9 weeks forcing myself to even drink water so my stomach would stop aching from the nauseating thought of food. I spent 5 weeks throwing up everything that wasn't in my stomach when the simplest thought of him popped inside my head because the mere memory of him made my stomach churn with disgust over every little detail I trusted him with about me. Every intimate moment that he only saw as a chance to use my body. Every "I love you" that was faker than a plastic surgeon's clientele. Every smile. Every laugh. Every syllable that left his lips. None of it was real.

I'm just so desperate for it to end. I want to rid myself of the memories, the feelings, the anger, the anxiety, the dull ache. If I could go back and tell myself not to follow him back, not to answer that dm, not to giggle at his texts, I would do it in less than a breath. I wouldn't hesitate to erase him.

I wouldn't think twice before I got rid of the memory of seeing him in person for the first time.

I wouldn't think twice before I got rid of the memory of our first kiss.

I wouldn't think twice before I got rid of the memory of us laughing together.

I wouldn't think twice before I got rid of the memory of us playing my favorite game together.

I wouldn't think twice before I got rid of the memory of us picking out baby names.

I wouldn't think twice before I got rid of the memory of him saying he missed me.

I wouldn't think twice before I got rid of the memory of him telling me he loved me for the first time.

I wouldn't think twice before I got rid of the memory of finding out I was pregnant with his baby too late for me to do anything about it.

I wouldn't think twice before I got rid of the memory of holding my head in my heads trying not to cry as I felt the last of my baby slipping out of me.

I want nothing more than to be rid of the unpleasantries that boy put me through. I just want to be able to put the suffering behind me and go back to being cold hearted and selfish for my own safety. I want to put my walls back up and lock my heart away from any and everyone again. But it's proving to be more difficult this time than it was last. I think I strayed too far from the path I was on before. I want too much now. I'm craving a love that is impossible to find now. I'm craving something that's been lost to the ages. I'm craving something I'm too traumatized, too broken, too damaged to even covet.

And now...I'm not sure who to blame for it.