CHAPTER 23: I DON'T KNOW

SORCHA'S POV

Napapalingon ako kay Daze na kasalukuyang inii-stapler ang napakaraming papel na siya rin ang nag-print dahil inutos ko iyon sa kaniya. Sa itsura niya kasi ay parang nangibang bansa na ang kaluluwa niya dahil sa pagkainip sa ginagawa niya.

Bakit naman kasi forensic expert ang ibinigay sa kaniya na role at hindi na lang detective para sana ang kapatid ko ang sinusundan niya? There's a lot of things to do, not just in forensics but also in Spine Point put all together. Minsan nga ay parang lunod na lunod na kami sa trabaho. Pero hindi katulad sa mga nasa BP ay umiikot lang talaga ang trabaho namin sa loob ng mga opisina at laboratoryo namin.

Kung ang isang tao ay sanay na maging active, mahihirapan talaga sila sa SP. When my brother was a Bolster, kulang na lang ay magpagulong-gulong siya para lang aliwin at gisingin ang sarili niya.

Namataan ko si Arcane na pumasok sa tahimik na opisina. Knowing that he was about to do something ridiculous, I wasn't surprised when he decided to break the silence with his booming voice. "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!"

I bit the inside of my cheek to stop myself from laughing when Daze dropped what he was holding, and he clapped his hands together without thinking. He seems so confused and out of it that he almost looks cute. Almost. Mahal ang papuri ko at hindi niya pa deserve.

Dumaan sa likod namin si Arcane na natatawang tinapik sa balikat si Daze. "Hang in there, pare."

Sinundan ng tingin ni Daze ang lalaki hanggang sa makapasok iyon sa pintuan papuntang laboratory. When Arcane was out of sight, Daze turned to me. "Do you think since he's in SP that I could win against him?"

Mukhang may sama pa ng loob si Daze dahil sa mga trip ni Arcane. Talaga namag gano'n ang isang 'yon. Ang i-prank ang mga tao sa paligid niya ata ang pampawala ng boredom niya. "In a fight?"

"Yeah?"

"Even your crush, Daesyn, can have you lying flat on your back in fifteen seconds."

I could do it in ten.

He sighed exagerratedly. "Ang misis ko naman masyadong selosa. I don't have a crush on her. You asked me what she looked like, and I described her to you."

"Hindi mo ako misis," asik ko. Kaya kung ano-ano ang naiisip sa amin ng mga kasamahan ko dahil sa mga pinagsasabi at ginagawa niya eh. "And it wasn't just then that you called her cute or adorable."

"No. I described her to you once. The second time, I just mentioned her dimples."

"Which you called "beautiful" when you said it the first time."

May kinang ang mga mata niya na nagsasabi sa akin na naaaliw siya sa pinag-uusapan namin. "Hindi na ba ako pwedeng pumuri ng ibang babae?"

Hindi ko alam pero pakiramdam ko ay may nag sa-samgyupsal sa ulo ko dahil biglang uminit iyon. "Eh di puriin mo silang lahat! Pakielam ko ba?"

"I'll tell you a secret."

"Hindi ako interesado—"

"If you ask me, I'll always give you an honest answer. If you ask me to describe them, I'll tell you what I think. But I wouldn't say it to them because I don't want them to think that there's more to my compliments. When it comes to you, I want you to overthink. I want you to think that there's more to my compliments because there is."

"W-What?"

"By now, you should know that I have a playful personality. A lot of people like me for it because I'm easy to get along with, but sometimes it's also the reason why some don't take me seriously. What I'm saying is..." Nilapit niya ng bahagya ang kinauupuan niya at inabot niya ang ang buhok ko na nakaladlad. He twirled it around his fingers playfully. "I want you to take me seriously. There wasn't even once that I wasn't serious, Sorcha Byrne."

Pakiramdam ko ay nagwawala ang puso ko sa loob ng dibdib ko. I tried to steady it, but it's not something that I'm used to doing, so it wasn't surprising that I couldn't calm it. Wala naman kasing tao na kayang gumulo sa sistema ko katulad ng ginagawa niya.

Daze's eyes dropped to my lips, and I swallowed hard when I saw something cross his eyes. Wala sa sariling napatayo ako at basta ko na lang hinablot ang wallet ko bago walang lingon-lingon na naglakad ako palabas ng opisina.

"Wait up, Misis!"

"Heh! Huwag mo 'kong kausapin!"

Pinagpipindot ko ang close button ng elevator nang makapasok ako pero mas mabilis si Daze na talagang isiniksik ang sarili niya sa papasarado ng mga pinto niyon.

"Hindi ka pa tapos sa pinagagawa ko!" asik ko sa kaniya.

"Pwede ko namang balikan 'yon mamaya."

"Ayokong isama ka."

Ngumuso siya. "Kawawa naman ako kapag hindi mo ako sinama." Hindi pa siya nakuntento roon at mas lalo niyang pinalungkot ang mukha niya. "What if mag-cry na lang ako?"

"What if sipain kita?"

"Iyan ang gusto ko sa'yo eh. Lagi kang energetic." Tinapik-tapik niya ang dibdib niya. "Willing akong magpaapi sa'yo habang hindi pa natin pwedeng gamitin ang energy mo sa ibang bagay."

Pinaningkitan ko siya ng mga mata. "If what you mean by that is using my energy to wrestle you inside a drum and throw it in the ocean, then I'm all for it."

Kinindatan niya ako. "Not like that. Iyong mas masayang pagbabawas ng energy."

"The only thing more fun than that is if I wrestle you inside a container, put you in a rocketship, and send you to a different planet."

Inunahan ko siyang makalabas ng elevator ng bumukas ang pintuan niyon. Naramdaman kong nakasunod siya sa akin hanggang sa makalabas kami ng building.

I was about to walk to the road that will take me to TDN when I heard a loud, deafening sound. Para bang malakas na putok iyon ng baril.

My spine went ramrod straight, and I looked around. I relaxed when I saw some of the BP surrounding a car in the parking lot. Mukhang pumutok ang isa sa mga gulong no'n. Another sound rang, and I shook my head. Well, it's two now.

Ano kayang ginagawa nila at nagpuputukan ang mga gulong? Blowouts rarely happen, but in their case, kung ang pagbabasihan ko ay ang air flator sa tabi nila, it's most likely because of overinflation. Parang inflation lang ng mga bilihin sa panahon ngayon. Nakakaputok din ng ulo.

I was about to continue walking when I noticed that Daze was no longer following me. Nilingon ko siya at napatigil ako nang makita kong hindi siya gumagalaw sa kinatatayuan niya.

I found myself hurriedly walking towards him, but even that didn't make him break out from whatever made him frozen on his feet.

"Daze?"

Walang kakulay-kulay ang mukha ng lalaki. A memory of him looking the same when I showed him the training room flashed in my mind.

Inabot ko ang kamay niya at bahagya ko siyang hinila. I was expecting him not to budge, but his hands were wrapped around mine. He's holding on to me tight, as if I were his lifeline.

Hinila ko siya pabalik ng opisina imbis na tumuloy sa TDN. Nang makapasok kami roon ay dinala ko siya sa isa sa mga raised planter na gawa sa marmol at pinaupo ko siya sa gilid niyon. Walang salitang sumunod lang siya sa akin.

"Are you okay?" I whispered so only he could hear.

"I... I think I should go up." He gave me a forced smile. "Are you okay to go on your own?"

"Of course. Sinabi ko naman sa'yong ako na lang ang pupunta, ang kulit mo lang."

The strained smile he has on his face didn't change. Akmang tatayo na sana siya pero pinigil ko siya sa pamamagitan ng pagdiin sa balikat niya. Pinakatitigan ko siya at parang hindi niya matagalan ang tingin na nagbaba siya ng mukha.

Maybe Daze wasn't the only pushy one. Normally, I just let other people do whatever they want, and yet I found myself doing the opposite. It's his fault anyway. Siya itong sinanay ako na halos wala ng matirang personal space sa akin.

Inipit ko ang mukha niya sa mga kamay ko para hindi niya magawang mag-iwas ng tingin. For a man, his face feels so smooth.

Ipinilig ko ang ulo ko. This is not the time. "Are you okay?"

"Sorch—"

"Don't lie to me."

Napalunok siya. "No."

I want to ask why, but it's clear he didn't want to talk about it. If I felt like it wasn't much of a big deal, I would have made him talk anyway. Pero kung ganito ang reaksyon niya ay siguradong hindi lang iyon basta-basta.

"What do you need?"

"A hug?" He chuckled, but it sounded hollow even to my ears. "I'm kidding."

Before I could convince myself otherwise, I stepped forward and wrapped my arms around him. It took a second before I felt his own arms do the same.

His hug was tight. It's like he's trying desperately to reach the surface despite what's pulling him down to the nightmare he seems to have buried inside him.

"Christmas came early," he whispered.

"Shut up."

Hindi ko alam kung gaano kaming katagal roon sa ganoong pwesto. Ipinagpapasalamat ko na lang na mukhang abala ang mga kasamahan ko sa mga trabaho nila dahil walang pumapasok ng gusali o bumababa dahilan para walang dudang makita nila kami.

The only one who can see us is the security guard, who's pointedly ignoring us to give us some privacy.

"Are you going to tell me about it?" I asked.

Hindi siya sumagot agad. But when he did, I could hear a hint of sadness in his voice. "Maybe someday."

"When?"

"When I know I won't lose you because of it."

Hindi ko siya pinakawalan pero bahagya akong umatras para tignan ang mukha niya. "Did you do something bad?"

"I don't know?"

"Was it your fault?"

His jaw clenched. "I don't know, Red," he whispered.

"Well, I do." Nang gulat na mapatingin siya sa akin ay nagpatuloy ako, "You're the kind of person who selflessly wants to take every burden just so others won't carry too much. With the recent happenings, I witnessed how you thick-headedly blame yourself and take responsibility for things that you didn't have to."

He became quiet again. Napabuntong-hininga ako. "Let's go back upstairs." Sinubukan kong kumawala sa kaniya pero hindi pa rin siya kumilos. "Daze."

"Was that an assurance?"

"Ha?"

"That I won't lose you?" he clarified.

Kinirot ko siya sa likod at lumuwag ang pagkakayakap niya sa akin dahilan para makakawala ako. "Bakit? Pag-aari mo ba ako?" tanong ko nang umatras ako para magkaroon ng espasyo sa pagitan namin. Iyon nga lang ay nagawa niyang hulihin ang kamay ko.

"Hindi pa." His smile slowly turned to the one that I'm used to. "Pero ako pwede mong kanyahin."

"A lot of people own you, Daze Henderson. I don't think anyone can really make you theirs without competing against the world."

"They have glimpses. They have what they think I am. But with you, I'm just me. With you, you have the whole." He tangled his fingers with mine. "You don't need to compete against the world if you become my world."

Kalma, heart! Kapag hindi ka kumalma, papalitan kita! "Puro ka harot."

"Puro na nga ako harot pero hanggang ngayon hindi pa rin sinasagot."

"Bakit? Nanliligaw ka ba?"

"Hindi pa ba nang lagay na 'to?" balik tanong niya. "You're the kind of person who believes in evidence. If my actions and words are evidence, what does it tell you?"

Sa kabila ng dumadagundong kong puso ay nagawa kong hindi ipakita ang epekto niyon sa akin sa kaniya. "Haven't you learned anything?"

"Hmm?"

"Evidence is just the first piece of the puzzle. Before it means anything, careful interpretation and analysis should be done to show its fundamental significance."

He blinks slowly. "You mean like the papers that I've been stapling all day? You want me to write a full report of my feelings?"

Nagkibit-balikat ako at tinalikuran ko na siya. "That's for me to know and for you to find out."

The truth is? I couldn't give him a straight answer because I also don't know what to do... or what to feel. Lahat ng nararamdaman ko ay bago. One moment, I didn't like him, and now...

I don't know.

_________________________End of Chapter 23.