DS8Uncovered #LuMa #BearCouple #DaggerSeries

CHAPTER 33: TOUCH MOVE

LUNA'S POV

I could hear the sound of water from the bathroom, but I couldn't move from where I was. Paulit-ulit na tumatakbo sa isip ko ang mga salita ni Magnus. The way he answered the question didn't feel like what it should be.

Pretend.

I don't know how I got through the night. I think my family felt my mood, which is why they didn't stay longer. I tried my best to keep on my pretense, to laugh with them, and to continue on with the game as if nothing happened. I wanted to put aside the insistent feeling inside me—something that felt desperate to claw its way out of my soul, as if it wanted to be heard so badly that it's screaming.

"Akala ko gusto mo ng matulog?" tanong niya.

Nanatiling walang imik na sinundan ko ng tingin ang pagkilos niya. Lumapit siya sa bedside table para kunin ang laptop niya at mukhang itatago niya sana iyon nang magsalita ako. "Edward Cassius Cullen."

"Hmm?"

"What was inside the folder?" May kung anong nagdaan sa mga mata niya. The way he quickly hides his emotion is familiar to me, even though it's rare for me to notice because he's that good at hiding it from me. But right now, it was as if the sheet in front of my eyes got pulled away, and I'm seeing clearer than before. "I saw it on your office's computer."

"Do you really want to know?"

"Yes," I answered, even though I was unsure of it.

"No, Luna." Naglakad siya palapit sa kinaroroonan ko. Ibinaba niya ang laptop sa harapan ko at binuksan niya iyon. "Do you really want to know?"

I swallowed the lump in my throat, then I nodded my head, not trusting my voice enough to speak. Tumingin ako sa monitor ng laptop niya at nakita ko ang kaparehas na folder na nasa office computer niya rin. Pinindot ko ang folder at hindi katulad ng nasa opisina niya ay walang password ang nasa harapan ko.

Ramdam ko ang mabigat na tingin niya sa akin habang tinitignan ko ang laman niyon. My eyes clouded with tears at the same time that I felt like the air was thinning around me.

I collected every piece of written note from Magnus, while he collected something else that held the same sentiments.

"Before, the folder name was Ulap."

Sunod-sunod na umiling ako. "I... I need to get out of here."

Hindi ko na siya inintay at basta na lang akong lumabas ng villa. I heard him calling me, but I didn't stop walking.

It's like the world is starting to shrink, and I feel it's about to crush me, as the pressing reality couldn't stop the truth I was trying to deny from being uncovered before my eyes.

All I could see was the way he is to me, his words that feel like a warm hug when I'm drowning in cold, the way he looks at me, and the things I saw in his eyes but couldn't understand... He kept those images inside that folder—images of the text messages and chats we shared, including those that occurred when he was still trying his best to avoid me. Karamihan sa mga iyon ay screenshot lang ng mga pinapadala ko sa kaniya no'ng mga panahon na ginagawa ko pa siyang diary ko at kinukuwento ko sa kaniya ang buong araw ko o nagpapadala ako ng pictures ng mga kinukuhanan ko na mga bagay na nagustuhan ko. Just random things that weren't really important, and yet he kept them all.

Then there are pictures of us together that were either taken by photographers or even some that were taken by my family. While the rest are just my pictures that I didn't know that he captured himself.

Naramdaman kong may pumigil sa braso ko dahilan para mapahinto ako sa paglalakad. Magnus' worried eyes met mine, and he softly whispered, "Let's go back. It's too cold out here right now, LA."

"I'm sorry," I said as quietly.

"Luna—"

"This is my fault. I should have stayed away."

"I wouldn't have let you to."

"Kung hindi kita dinamay..." I shook my head as I tried to pull away from his hold. Pero nanatiling mahigpit ang pagkakahawak niya sa akin. "We need to stop this, Mags. We need... we—"

"No," he said through gritted teeth. "I won't allow you to leave me."

"We can't keep doing this. It was my mistake."

Pain crossed his eyes. "A mistake. It was a mistake for you, but it's the only right thing that I ever had."

"We can't."

"You chose me."

"Mags—"

He cut me off. "You needed me."

"Before you fell in love with me!" My voice echoed around us, breaking the place's serene silence. "I-I told you... that night, I told you. You can't fall in love with me."

"I was already in love with you back then."

"Magnus!"

He grips each side of my arms with his big hands, forcing me to look straight at him so I don't have the chance to look away from the things he's been hiding from me for a long time. "Do you really think I would marry you if I didn't feel anything for you? That all I have for you is just pity?"

"You can't," I whispered brokenly. "Mags, I can't let you to."

"You said you loved me when you thought I was sleeping." He smiled, and yet it couldn't mask the pain hidden behind it. "You said you were glad that I didn't believe you. But I do. I believe you, because I feel the same way. I love you, Luna. I love you so much that I don't care if you hurt me. I don't care that I feel like I'm being ripped to shreds whenever I see you in pain. I don't care if loving means my heart will never be safe from hurting."

Tuluyan ng pumatak ang mga luha ko na kanina ko pa pinipigil. Agony squeezed my heart, knowing that the three words he just said were something that I've been longing to hear, even though I keep telling myself that it doesn't matter if I don't.

Kinundisyon ko ang puso ko na tanggapin ang katotohanan na hindi ko maririnig ang mga salitang iyon. Na tama lang na hindi. Because while love brings so much happiness to us, chained to it is the possibility of greater pain than any other.

I was willing to take the risk—more than willing to risk my heart. What I didn't want to risk was his. Siya ang ayokong masaktan.

"You always have a hand up ready to keep me away. I understand why. I understand that you want to protect me at the same time that you want to protect yourself. But I want you to know that you never need to." He gently wiped the tears from my cheeks, his eyes full of emotion. "I wanted to give you everything. I would have given you everything. Pero hindi ko kayang hindi ka mahalin. Iyon lang ang hindi ko kayang ibigay sa'yo."

I opened my mouth to speak, but my words were drowned out when he leaned down and claimed my lips.

He was always gentle with me, and yet the kiss he's giving me is the opposite of that. It was inhibited and unrestrained, so much so that I could already feel my lips bruising from the intensity of it. And yet I couldn't move away, I couldn't walk away... the only thing I could do was give in to it, to surrender and let go.

I could taste my tears through the kiss, and yet I never tasted anything sweeter in my life. It was our first kiss. Not even at our wedding did we share a kiss. I always wondered what it would feel like, but reality was so much better than my imagination.

Nang parehas na naming habol ang mga hininga namin ay pinutol niya ang halik. But his old self didn't loosen. Nananatiling hapit ang katawan ko sa kaniya na isinandal niya ang noo niya sa akin. His eyes remained locked on mine as our chests moved up and down to catch our breaths.

"Will you let me love you now, LA?"

"I don't know, Mags," I whispered.

Kumurba ang ngiti sa mga labi niya. "I'll take that."

"Magnus..."

"Because it's not a no."

He's right. I could tell him no outright. That's what I would have done moments ago. Pero hindi ko magawa.

My heart was strong enough to accept the fact that it might not know what it's like to be loved back. What it wasn't prepared for, what it wasn't strong enough for, is to accept when it already did.

"I wasn't sure if I wanted you to know." Yumuko siya at magaang hinalikan ang pisngi ko, at nang para bang hindi niya mapigilan ay muli niyang kinintalan ng halik ang mga labi ko. "But I can't keep pretending, LA. I don't want to pretend anymore."

"It's going to be more painful." Fresh tears pooled in my eyes. In the safety of our pretense, I could hold on to the hope that he would be okay. He won't be another person that I hurt when I can no longer hide my illness. "It... it was enough that I got the chance to be with you. Hindi ako umasang mamahalin mo. Hindi ako umasang magbabago tayo. I...I couldn't... I couldn't stop myself from being selfish. If I have one more year, one more day, or one more hour, I want to spend it with you. Kasi sabi ko sa sarili ko, okay lang naman siguro. Kasi hindi mo naman ako mahal. Okay na 'yon kasi at least hindi ka masasaktan." Nanginginig ang mga kamay na inilapat ko iyon sa tapat ng dibdib niya kung saan ramdam ko ang malakas na tibok ng puso niya. "You don't know how precious your heart is for me. Kaya ang hirap. I've never felt more fear than I do now. Kasi hindi ko alam kung paano. Hindi ko alam kung kaya kong maging masaya na mahal mo ako ngayon na alam kong wala akong magagawa kapag... kapag..."

"Luna."

"I'm dying, Magnus. I'm dying, and I was preparing myself for it. I'm slowly letting my hope go so I can accept it easily. But this... you loving me makes me want to cling to it. Pero ang sakit kasi alam kong hindi ko alam kung hanggang saan... kung hanggang kailan ko kaya." I am close to panic. I could feel it wrapping around me, constricting me until it started to suffocate me. "I love my family, but I'm glad that they have their own now. Kaya mas madali sa akin na tanggapin na iiwan ko sila. Kasi hindi sila maiiwan mag-isa. Pero paano ka? Paano kita iiwan ngayon? I'm scared to let you love me, to love you freely, because I know I have to... I-I have to leave you."

The sob that rocked my body was so hard that I could feel myself losing strength. Kung hindi ako nakapaloob sa mga bisig niya ay baka tuluyan ng bumigay ang mga tuhod ko.

His hand went under my chin, and he tipped it up so that I could meet his eyes. I could see the pain in his eyes clearer now, but I could also see so much light in them that I didn't think anyone could be capable of it at this moment. "Hindi ako nawawalan ng pag-asa na gagaling ka. But if you have to leave, you don't need to worry about me. Everyone leaves eventually, LA. If it so happens that you'll go first, I'll be okay. I will live my life knowing that you've been mine, and that's enough for me."

Parang dam na kumawala lahat ng emosyon na pilit kong kinokontrol. All the fears, the disappointment, the doubts, the pain... and through all that, a small light flickered, one that is of hope.

Hinayaan niya akong iiyak sa kaniya lahat. I don't think I've ever cried as much. Not even when I received my diagnosis, not even when I keep getting worse instead of getting better. And yet, right now, all I could do was cry.

"I-It's not going to be easy. I...I don't think I will make it easy for you either. Even if... you... if we love..."

"Don't you know by now?" he asked with a small smile on his lips. "I know you better than you know yourself. I know you're going to keep doubting our situation, there will be moments that you will try to push me away, but through the times that I've spent with you, I already know that you only do it because no one loves the way you do. You want to protect everyone and make them all happy. But you need to understand. I want to be the one holding your hand. I want to be the one that you'll go to when things are getting too hard. I want to share life with you, not just be with you."

Kinulong niya ang mukha ko sa mga palad niya. He's looking at me as if he could see everything. Not just what I'm willing to share, but all that I've been trying to keep from those around me.

"Touch move rule, right? Sabi mo kapag hinawakan kita, sa akin ka na." Inabot niya ang kamay ko at muli niyang ibinalik iyon sa tapat ng puso niya. "Touch move rule. You made me love you, so I need to hear you say that you love me too."

When I was twenty-five, I felt no fear when I faced the fact that I fell in love with him at first sight. I didn't mind admitting it to people. I didn't mind showing it to Magnus again and again. But looking back, I don't think I have ever worded it, nor do I think I will ever be given a chance.

Now you have a chance. You know more than anyone how short this life is. So give your heart a break and grab the chance being given to you.

"I love you," I said, my words coming out fragile like they're on the verge of breaking. Those three words are heavy with the gravity of the truth that it's no longer denied of being free. I could feel the walls around my heart cracking, until it's been released from where it's been forced to hide. "I... I love you so much. I always have."

It was all he was waiting for. He once again claimed my lips. This time, though, there was no rush, there was no desperation to have our feelings speak for us, this time... it was like a soothing healing for the past, and a whispered promise for the future ahead of us.

____________________________End of Chapter 33.