#DS6Unwavering #CirCoal #SharkFamily #DaggerSeries

CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO: HELP

CIRCE'S POV

It's been three days. Three days that felt like hell. Tatlong araw na bumabangon na lang ako para sa anak ko na alam kong kailangan ako. Tatlong araw na parang may sumasaksak sa akin kada hinahanap niya si Coal.

It was never like this. With Eleazar, it was easy to find my footing. I always landed on my feet no matter what life threw at me, but this time it feels like I was beaten to the ground, and there's not much strength left in me to fight.

I dreaded waking up every morning, knowing that all I would feel was the cold empty space beside me on the bed. I fear the night coming because by then I will be left alone to feel everything that I don't want to feel anymore.

This is what I wanted. I needed the space. I need time to think. I don't want to see him because seeing him hurts. Pero may mas masakit pa pala sa nakita ko. May masakit pa pala na maramdaman ang pagdistansiya niya nitong mga nakaraan at ang makita siya na may kasamang iba.

Nothing had prepared me for the pain of his absence.

Dati kaya kong magpanggap hanggang sa hindi ko namamalayan okay na pala ako. It's easy for me to find distractions in the same way that it's easy for me to drown my feelings until they no longer exist.

But for three days, it was far from what I used to. The pain wasn't lessening, and it wasn't numbing. Instead, day by day, the ache grows and grows.

Alam ko na kahit si Tala ay nag-aalala na. She never saw me like this. Not even once. That makes the two of us because I never saw myself like this before either.

She asked me what happened the day after I came home from Dagger, and I gave it all to her. For a moment, she didn't say anything, but when she did, it was a question. "Do you believe that he could do that to you?"

She knows the answer. Coal knew the answer. I know the answer. So why? Why is it so hard to let what happened go and accept the fact that he won't leave me? That he won't replace me with anyone?

When Tala saw the hurt and confusion in my eyes, she opened her laptop and placed it in front of me. She told me one word. Research.

She said that even though it feels like I'm the only one suffering, it doesn't mean that there's no one out there who went through the same thing. And she was right.

There were a few words that popped up more than a few times that caught my attention. Abandonment issue, anxious attachment style, therapy, and counseling.

May isang parte sa akin ang gustong itanggi ang mga nabasa ko. Iyong parte na sanay na kayanin ang lahat ng mag-isa at magdesisyon para sa sarili ko na walang tulong ng iba. Hindi ko kasi maiwasang isipin na meron namang mga tao riyan na mas mahirap ang pinagdaanan kesa sa akin.

I wasn't physically abused. My father's words could hurt, but most of the time he just doesn't care like there are more important things that deserve his attention. I have all the things I need. I was clothed, I have a place to sleep, and I have food in my stomach. I was luckier than most.

But then there's a part of me that also recognizes that I need help. A part that has been calling my attention for a long time, but I just keep ignoring it. I kept hiding her inside so no one could hear her. Not even me.

I was the poster child of the Filipino mentality when it came to mental health. Malungkot ka? Lumabas ka lang at maghanap ng distraction. Mag-enjoy ka para makalimutan mo na malungkot ka.

You think you need help? You think it's affecting your life and your relationships with others? Arte lang 'yan. Swerte ka pa nga di tulad ng iba pero sila kaya naman kaya bakit ikaw hindi?

You think your childhood and your family have an impact on the problems you're facing now as an adult? Grow up. Mas mahirap nga noong panahon nila kumpara ngayon sa panahon mo.

It was messed up. It was so messed up because I know that if it's Kaise going through things like this, if it's my daughter struggling, there's no way in hell that I would invalidate her feelings like those who have received those kinds of words.

It brings me to the now. Kaise has been restless. Hindi ko alam kung dahil sa nararamdaman niya nararamdaman ko o dahil din sa ilang araw na niyang hindi nakikita ang ama niya. She's been having tantrums since she woke up in the morning.

"Babi, all feelings are important," I said to her quietly as I hugged her. She's tired, and I know she wants to sleep, but she can't. "Whether you're happy, sad, annoyed, or angry. We just choose what feelings to hold on to and what feelings to let go."

I could feel tears forming in my eyes as I patted her back. "It's okay, babi. D-Daddy will be back home soon."

Her sobbing quieted as I tried to lull her to sleep. Carrying her outside to walk near the ocean would have been quicker to make her fall asleep, but I don't want to risk it. I know we're safe here inside, but the outside world feels different right now.

Alam kong abala ang Dagger. Lucienne told me that all the Dawson men sleep in the office right now because that's how busy they are. Kinuha rin ng Dagger lahat ng devices namin. Even Tala needed to surrender her phone and laptop.

Domino told me during one of the calls on the phone that they provided that there's a high chance that our phones have been hacked. Their best guess is that it happened when we connected to an unsecured wifi network. Tinignan nila ang phone ni Coal at ang mga tawag at text na sinasabi ko sa kaniya ay hindi rumehistro sa phone niya. Even the text messages that came from Lorraine Decena. Ganoon din daw sa phone ko. It turns out that it seems like I'm ignoring Coal's messages and calls too.

It took me a couple more minutes before Kaise was finally asleep. Maingat na ibinaba ko siya sa kama niya bago tahimik na lumabas ako ng kuwarto. Naglakad ako papunta ng living room para sana ayusin ang mga laruan niya, pero nang makarating doon ay naabutan ko ro'n si Tala. She had already cleaned up, and she gave the platter of cookies in front of her a pointed look.

Napapabuntong-hininga na lumapit ako sa kinaroroonan niya at umupo ako sa sofa. Inabutan niya ako ng malinis na wine glass at sinalinan niya iyon.

Walang nagsalita sa amin sa mahabang panahon. Tala is an opinionated person, but I know she's trying to hold it in. I know that she wants me to make the decision myself. She didn't even tell me what she thought about the situation because I knew she didn't want to force her answer on me.

"I'll get help." Nilingon ko siya. "When this is over, I will get help."

Sandaling nakatingin lang siya sa akin at hindi nagsasalita. When she did, I could hear a smile in her voice. "You really love him."

"Tala-"

"You're an athlete, Circe. You're competitive. Hindi lang laban sa ibang tao kundi maging sa sarili mo. You hate feeling weak. You hate it when things are not in your control. And you also have a pride that is as tall as the highest skyscraper."

Malalim na bumuntong-hininga ako. Ilang araw niyang pinigil ang sarili niya na magsalita kaya sigurado ako na hindi ko siya mapipigilan ngayon.

"So you must really love him if you're willing to be vulnerable just to fix you and be better for him. The single independent woman in me wants to tell you that you should do it for yourself, but I know you're already doing that. Since you're Circe Isle, you're doing it for yourself, but you're also doing it for the man you love, for your daughter, and for the family that you want to have with him. The family that he already gave you."

Sinandal ko ang likod ng ulo ko sa upuan at tuminginala ako sa kisame. "I just don't get it. Why? Why now? Bakit ngayon lang?"

"Because you haven't found the person you're afraid of losing until you found him." I turned my head to look at her, my head still leaning on the sofa. Ginaya niya ang posisyon ko at nginitian niya ako. "I'm right, and you know it."

"Whatever."

"You saw that bitch kissing him, but you didn't throw the ring on his face. You're still wearing it now."

Nagbaba ako ng tingin sa kamay ko. The rock glistened under the light as if in agreement with her statement.

"I bet it never even crossed your mind. When Eleazar did that to you, you wanted to shove the ring on his throat and make him choke."

Despite everything, I couldn't help but laugh. She's right. Of course she is.

"You're a very determine person, Circe. Headstrong too. If you fall, you stand back up instantly. If the world tells you you can't do something, you always prove them wrong. You remember Nazaré? I was once a surfer and I wouldn't touch that wave with a ten foot pole. Everyone's discouraging you from competing there. Waves in that place took a lot of lives. One look at that place and I wanted to drag you back home. The last time I cried was when I was told that I couldn't surf again but at that time I was ready to cry for your funeral. I was already drafting a eulogy in my mind. But what did you do? You act as if it's a normal morning and you're going out for a quick swim. You dominated that wave like its your bitch."

I almost spit out the wine I was drinking. Binigyan ko siya ng masamang tingin pero tumawa lang siya.

"All I'm saying is, you're strong-willed. You don't give up. I've never seen you give up because you're never scared. Until three days ago. It was the first time that I saw real fear in you."

"And that's a good thing?"

"Yes it is. It means you care. Nasaktan ka no'ng makita mo siya kasama ang bruhildang 'yon? That's fine. You doubt him for a second? Who wouldn't? Those text messages that asshole Eleazar showed you can fuck with anyone's mind. You want him to let you go? That wasn't surprising. You're having a mini panic attack and you feel like your world is ending. It's natural to run away from what's causing you pain. But I don't believe for a second that you will let that man go, Circe. Tatlong araw pa lang na wala si Coal alam ko ng imposible 'yon." Itinuro niya ang parent unit na nakapatong sa coffee table. The one connected to Kaise's room. "You said it yourself. All feelings are valid. Ikaw ang pipili kung ano ang panghahawakan mo at ano ang pakakawalan mo."

Umayos ako ng upo at nagbaba ako ng mga mata sa hawak ko na baso. When I spoke, I could hear how vulnerable I sounded. "I'm scared. Losing him won't hurt. It will destroy me."

"Then don't lose him." She turned her body so that she was fully facing me. Wala akong nagawa kundi muling tumingin sa kaniya. "You're a fighter. When it comes to anything, you don't go down easy. Except for things like this. That's when you hide."

Mapait na ngumiti ako. "I'm too old for this. Abandonment issue? I was the one who left home. Kung titignan nga ay iba ang issue na mga nabasa ko online. Theirs were extreme compared-"

"I'm going to stop you there. You can't compare your situation to theirs. Our mental issues don't need to be cut from the same fabric and stitched using the same pattern. Just because how it started for you was different from theirs doesn't mean you can't experience it." Tinungga niya ang natitirang laman ng baso niya. "You might have been living under the house your father provided for you, but that doesn't mean he gave you a home. It doesn't mean that he didn't neglect you. It doesn't mean that he didn't abandon you. You know that. You even told me that before. The way you felt the same thing when you realize that Eleazar is a two-face waste of space. You felt like the person you know disappeared and left you."

Nang mamuo ang luha sa mga mata ko ay lumambot ang ekspresyon niya. "At hindi rin ibig sabihin na mahal ka ng biological mother mo at nalaman mo na mabuti siyang tao ay hindi mo naramdaman mula sa kaniya na inabandona ka. Deep inside you, you know that her leaving you scarred you. You suffered from her decisions too. You just can't blame her for it because she has a reason."

My breath hitched, and I felt her arms wrapped around me. Marahan na tinapik niya ang likod ko nang tuluyan na akong mapaiyak. Like how I do it for Kaise whenever she's crying. The way I wish someone held me when I was younger so that I knew that it was okay to cry sometimes.

"I-I'm going to get help. I'm going to work on me," I whispered to her. "But I need him with me. I can't do this without him."

"He'll be with you. Not even you can stop him from being with you." Ilang tapik pa ang binigay niya sa akin bago niya ako binigyan ng isang malakas na hampas na ikina-aray ko. Nang gulat na tignan ko siya ay nginisihan niya ako. "I love that you're letting yourself be human right now, pero may limit ang kaya kong i-tolerate. I'm not a cry on your shoulder type of person."

What a load of BS. She's exactly that, and she's been that for me before I even gave birth to Kaise. Hindi nga lang ako iyakin noon. Okay. So maybe it really wasn't a cry on your shoulder situation.

"I haven't said it to you before, but you know I love your old ass, right?" I asked.

"I love you too, but bitch, I'm forever eighteen years old."

We both snickered. When I got a handle on it, I said to her, "You're the smartest eighteen-year-old that I ever met."

"I know, right?" Kumuha siya ng cookie at inabutan niya ako ng isa. "So tell me about these friends of yours that will visit. Do they know what's happening? Anong sabi nila na daig pa nila ang bibisita sa presidente dahil kailangan nilang i-surrender ang mga phone nila? Sino sa kanila ang irereto natin kay Nevan?"

I know that she really reached her cringe meter for the day, so I let her sway me into a new topic.

"I'm thinking of Julie, but we'll see."

NAPAKURAP ako mula sa pagtanaw sa labas ng bahay nang maramdaman ko ang marahang tapik sa braso ko. I looked beside me, and I met Corine and Rebecca's worried eyes. Pilit na ngumiti ako at inabot ko ang dala nilang pagkain na inaalok pala nila sa akin.

"Sorry. I was thinking of something."

"Mukha nga." Corine gave me a soft smile. "Are you okay?"

"I'll be more okay if everything's over. Mas okay din kung matatapos na ang gulo sa Siargao para makabalik na tayo."

I told them everything. Dagger didn't mind since it's not a secret anyway. Isa pa kailangan ko ring ipaliwanag sa kanila kung bakit katulad nga ng sabi ni Tala ay parang daig ko pa ang presidente sa higpit ng Dagger sa mga taong makakalapit sa akin.

Dagger did a background check on the people around me from the very beginning when the case opened. Kahit si Tala ay alam kong inembestigahan nila. There really wasn't anything that would connect them to the case.

"I miss that place. Alina and Nika said that it's crazy out there right now. Sobrang alarming na kasi talaga ang nangyayaring pagkawala ng mga turista," sabi ni Corine.

"It's not just foreign tourists," dagdag ni Rebecca. "One of the oldest cases of missing persons daw taga-Manila 'yung victim."

"I think they're still alive, though," I shared. "There was never a body found."

"So human trafficking?" Corine asked.

Ilang sandali na iyon lang ang pinag-usapan namin. Corine's a True Crime fanatic, so it wasn't surprising that she has a lot of ideas.

Thirty minutes to the discussion, and Rebecca looked at the time. "Wala pa rin si Julie? Akala ko mauuna pa 'yon dito kesa sa amin."

Ngumisi si Corine. "Pwede ba nating sabihin kay Prince Charming na i-text si Julie? Pabilin na rin natin ng pizza tutal late siya?"

Ang Prince Charming na tinutukoy niya ay si Warrick na nakaupo sa isa sa mga stoll ng center island. I have no doubt he's listening, what with the way her ears reddened at the name my friends gave him.

"We can ask Tala kung gusto niyo talaga ng pizza."

"Nako. Naospital na nga 'yung tao dahil sa amin," tanggi ni Rebecca. "Si Julie na lang. Siya itong halos hindi kami patulugin kasi excited pumunta rito."

Tala sliced her hand open while prepping for cooking. Kaya dinala siya sa ospital ni Nevan.

"Can we text Julie, Warrick?" I asked, calling his attention.

"Yes, Miss Andino."

Humagikhik ang dalawa kong kasama at naiiling na pinaikot ko lang ang mga mata ko. "Kaninong phone ang gagamitin?"

"Wala akong load," sabi ni Corine. "Kay Rebecca na lang."

Tinaasan siya ng kilay ng babae. "Pwede naman sa group chat ah."

"Sa sobrang kuripot no'n ni Julie, I doubt kung mag-load 'yon para sa data. Laging nakikikonek lang 'yon sa wifi ng iba. Di ba, Cee?"

I nodded, but my thoughts were filled with different things. What she said struck something in me.

Domino said that there's a possibility that our phones got hacked when we connected to an unsecured wifi. Everyone of us, including Coal, has been to Isla Brew. Pero hindi lang iyon. The women who were missing were all drained of their money. They were all taken through digital transfers. It means there's a possibility that someone hacked them too.

I remember what I told Samantha. The tourist. Islaw Brew has one of the fastest internet connections.

Tumingin ako sa kinaroroonan ni Warrick at natagpuan ko siyang nasa akin din ang atensyon. The way he's looking at me tells me that he already knows where my mind has arrived. They're already investigating it.

"Let's open the wine," Corine announced after Rebecca sent a quick text to Julie and gave the phone back to Warrick. "Do you want one, Prince Charming?"

"Umm... no, thank you."

"He's kind of on duty," I told Corine.

She made an oops expression as Rebecca retrieved the wine opener. Kinuha niya ang wine at inabot iyon kay Corine para buksan ng babae bago niya binalingan ang iba pa nilang mga dala. My lips made an O shape when I saw the bottles of fruit-infused water she took out of the bag.

Rebecca smiled sheepishly. "Kung i-po-promote mo hindi ako tatangi."

I chuckled, and I took one. "Oo ba. Basta padalan mo pa ako ng marami at may mga bibigyan pa ako."

"Deal."

Dala ang isa na lumapit siya kay Warrick. Corine and I shared a meaningful look. There was a smile on her lips as she took a sip of her wine. Rebecca's press release before of swearing off mean looks like it's ending, and we know it.

Corine being her best wingman self, called out to her, "Reb, you love yoga, right?"

Nilingon kami ng babae na mukhang hinihintay ang verdict ni Warrick sa binigay niya na bote. "Duh? I own a yoga studio."

"So you're all bendy and flexible?"

Pinigil ko ang tawa na gustong kumawala sa mga labi ko. Something men would appreciate. A woman who's all bendy and flexible.

"What kind of yoga do you do?" Nevan asked.

"Aerial yoga."

Nasa ganoon silang pag-uusap nang tumunog ang doorbell. Warrick stood up, but I waved him off. With the light atmosphere, it escaped my notice that there was no way that Warrick wouldn't insist on opening the door for me.

I had already unlocked the door and opened it when I heard a thud. But it was too late. I couldn't even look behind me.

Not when I opened the door and recognized who was outside, standing with a smile that will haunt me for a long time, holding a long piece of fabric that I am very familiar with.

______________________________End of Chapter 32.