#DS6Unwavering #CirCoal #SharkFamily #DaggerSeries

CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE: ABANDONED

CIRCE'S POV

"Circe!"

I ignored Coal calling me and the commotion that commenced after I walked past them so that I could head straight to the elevator. Evan Nevan couldn't follow me fast enough. The last thing I saw when the door shut completely was the image of Coal running after the closing elevator.

I expected to feel numb. I prefer to feel that way. Instead, my body is trembling, and I feel so cold. I wanted to run. I wanted to be anywhere but here, but I know I couldn't do that. It's like I've been forced into a corner, and I'm suffocating.

I would have welcomed the numbness. The detachment from what's currently happening. I would have preferred that. Katulad kung anong naramdaman ko nang makita ko si Eleazar na kasama ang babae niya.

A bitter laugh fell from my lips, and I looked up at the ceiling of the elevator to stop my tears from falling.

Kung hindi ko gustong makita si Eleazar ay lalong lalo kong hindi magusto na makita ang babae na hindi man lang nagdalawang-isip na makipagrelasyon sa isang taong alam niyang nakatali na sa iba. Someone who doesn't mind hurting other people as long as they're happy.

I must be cursed.

Nang bumukas ang pintuan ay namataan ko ang kinaroroonan ng conference room kung saan nandoon na ang mga kapatid ni Coal. I don't need to be a mind reader to know that they were somehow informed by the scene that took place in the lobby.

I heard the other elevator open, but I was already walking towards the conference room.

"Circe. Baby."

Pumiksi ako nang maramdaman ko ang pagpigil ni Coal sa braso ko at tumuloy ako sa kinaroroonan ng iba pang mga Dawson.

I didn't even sit down when I got inside, and I went straight to the point. "Where's the new letter?"

Sandaling tumingin si Axel kay Coal bago muling bumalik ang atensyon niya sa akin. "Maybe we should leave you two to talk first—"

"No. I came here for this." Nang hindi siya kumilos para ibigay ang hinihingi ko ay binalingan ko si Thorn. "I want this to be over."

I heard Coal behind me call my name again, but the eldest Dawson shook his head at him. Iminuwestra niya ang bakanteng upuan at lumapit ako roon. With my back ramrod straight, I sat down on the chair without looking at Coal.

"We went through everyone that's connected to you, and none of the information we have put together is concrete enough for a lead. We've been feeling that something is off with the case. The way the perpetrator approaches it isn't the usual action of a stalker," Thorn explained.

"Coal had mentioned this before to us after what happened at the hotel, so we started collecting information from the other angle with our main focus still on the original one," Gun said, joining the conversation. "We can't just drop the first angle without a conclusive end result. Kailangan naming isarado iyon ng tama para hindi maging problema kung sakali na nandoon nga ang hinahanap namin. But these past few weeks we've been more inclined to the second angle."

"Three weeks ago you posted this." Inabot ni Axel ang remote at sa monitor ng screen na nandoon ay kita ang picture ko kung saan nasa deck ako ng mini-yacht at hawak ang baso ng wine. I'm holding the glass with my hand, which has a ring on it. "Instantly, a letter was sent to Siargao, and the trainee we stationed there transferred it to us."

I bit the inside of my lip in the next picture. It's a printed copy of the one I posted. Ang pagkakaiba niyon ay may mga sulat iyon. Angry bold strokes. There are a lot of things written there. Expletives, name-calling, and threats.

Pierce was the one to speak up next. "Pwede natin 'tong tignan sa angulo na baka reaksyon lang ito ng perpetrator dahil kinokonsidera ka niyang pag-aari niya. But the anger of the perp doesn't feel like anger at the thought of you being taken away, but rather it's a response to you taking something from the perp."

I looked at the next image. All the words were digitally highlighted in yellow by Dagger. Except for three areas on the picture that you can't almost read because they have been written over by a lot of words. There's one area where a sentence formed, and Dagger highlighted it in red.

You can't take what's mine.

I felt my hand tremble. "And the last letter? The one that arrived today?"

Ginapangan ako ng kilabot nang makita ko ang sumunod na lumabas sa monitor. There's a picture of a doll with hands and neck tied by the familiar rope-like scarf, and there's another picture of the doll with the scarf around her hands and mouth as if in the form of a gag. The letter also contains the same black residue.

But it was the written words that sent chills down my spine.

One will fall into the deepest sand.

One will burn to dust.

And in the end, everything will return to ash.

"We already tracked people that Coal had a relationship with in the past before we even received this letter. Lalo na iyong mga bumyahe sa Siargao at Batangas. We found four." Axel pressed the remote. "We want to know if you recognize any of them."

Tinignan ko ang mga sumunod na larawan. I want to recognize one of them. I want to put an end to this. I want everything to stop. But none of them are familiar to me.

Nang umiling ako ay hindi maitatanggi ang tensyon na bumalot sa paligid. They were hoping for the same thing that I was hoping for.

"Lorraine Decena." If the tension was high moments ago, this time you can cut it with a knife. For the first time since I entered the room, I turned to look at Coal. "Is she involved in this, or have you glossed over her because you want to protect her?"

Coal's eyes look haunted. "Circe, I don't even know why she's here. I can explain—"

"Yeah. Like, how can you explain that this has been happening for weeks and you didn't tell me?"

"She was included." Nilingon ko si Axel na siyang nagsalita. "She was on the list. Before we even looked at the angle that the case might be revolving around Coal than you."

"She was on the list because she was so involved in my life, right?" Mapait na ngumiti ako. "Akalain niyo 'yon. Sa lahat ng lugar dito ko pa siya makikita."

"Circe," Coal whispered.

"The first time I met her, she caused my engagement with Eleazar to end. Parang iyon ang role niya sa buhay ko. For the second time that I'm engaged, she's here again. Ang pagkakaiba lang ay hindi na si Eleazar ang kasama niya." I turned to Coal. "Ikaw na."

"It's now what you think it is." Nagtangka siyang abutin ang kamay ko, pero iniwas ko lang iyon. "Please, baby. Let's talk about this."

"Talk about what? That she's the ex we've been talking about? Iyong taong dahilan kung bakit ayaw mo ng malalim na relasyon? The one that has so much impact in your life? That now that she found her way back to you, you started distancing yourself from me? You're always on your phone. Lagi kang wala sa bahay. You can't look at me. And you even can't sleep beside me."

"That's not true."

"So am I imagining things then? Na hindi dahil sa kaniya kaya ka nagkakaganiyan? That it wasn't because..." I can feel my nails biting the skin of my palm as I try to keep my emotions locked. I can't breathe. I want to run. I want to be anywhere but here. "That it wasn't because you regretted proposing to me?"

Napatayo siya at marahas na sinuklay niya ang buhok niya gamit ng mga daliri niya. "For god's sake, no!"

"Then what?! If not that, then what?!"

"Because of me!" Tears clouded my eyes, but I held them in. Coal saw them, and his jaw tightened. "It's because of me that everything is happening. You're in danger because of me. Our child could be in danger because of me. That's all I can think about. Kaya ako laging wala kasi gusto ko ng tapusin 'to. I want you and Kaise safe. I'm always on the phone because I've been messaging everyone that I had relationships with to apologize. If they want it or if they want to curse at me because I hurt them without me meaning to. I can't sleep because all I can think about is that I messed up and you're the one paying for it. I can't look at you because I feel guilty. Kasi tama iyong sinabi ko sa'yo noon. You were happy with Kaise. Pero nang dumating ako sa buhay niyo naging ganito kagulo. Can't you see, Circe? It's my fault. This case is not supposed to be for you. It's mine."

I can hear him. A part of me understands him. But the pain I'm feeling doesn't lessen. The image of him and that woman's lips touching each other keeps replaying in my brain again and again. And I just want to escape. I just want to stop seeing it.

"I believe you. I said it before and I'm saying it now, it's not your fault. Hindi mo kayang kontrolin ang desisyon ng ibang tao. We all get hurt, but it doesn't give us the right to do all of this. Being heartbroken from a man who didn't promise you anything and had been transparent with you all through out your agreement is not an excuse for any of this." Humakbang siya palapit sa akin pero tumayo ako at umiling. "I would have believed that that's all of it. I would have believed it one hundred percent. But how can you explain not returning my calls and messages? How can you explain that kiss? How can you explain this?" I asked as I threw the things I'm holding at the table.

"Circe—"

"She might not be involved with the case, but she's clearly involved with you." Tuluyan ng pumatak ang kanina ko pang pinipigilan na luha. "You know. You know that I could have handled anything except for this. You are the last person that I thought would do this to me. I trusted you not to." Memories of the conversation we had at the yacht came back to me. "I'm not like you. I can't stay when one becomes unfaithful. And you told me, remember? You said you wouldn't make me stay."

Eleazar might have destroyed our relationship, but Coal could destroy me. In fact, I can already feel it starting. The cracking sound from the foundation of everything that has been built.

The sound of shattering.

The cries of breaking.

"Please, baby. We can talk about this. We'll look into this." He crossed the distance between us and reached for my hand. "You know I wouldn't do this to you, right?"

My heart wants to believe him. The heart that he owns believes him. But the part of me that wants to protect me doesn't want to hear him. I can't hear him. Because I'm beginning to drown. I'm being pulled to the place where I always find myself whenever I need to shut myself away.

"Right?" he whispered, pain laced in his voice.

"I... I don't know."

The printed copies of the screenshots that Eleazar gave me were of Coal's conversation with another woman. That's why Eleazar was so angry. Hindi lang ako ang kinuha ni Coal kundi ang babaeng ipinalit niya sa akin.

There are messages from the woman telling him that she made a mistake. She kept making mistakes, and she couldn't help but think that the only right she had was when she was with Coal. He told her about me. He told her about Kaise. He told her that he didn't know what to do because he had just proposed to me.

Then she asked him if that meant that there was no other way for them anymore. That he has forgotten her.

I have never forgotten you. Not even for a minute.

That's what he told her.

"I know I deserve that. One look at my past, and I deserve that." He reached for my cheek, and he gently wiped my tears. "But I never lied. Not to them, and especially not to you. They know the score from the very beginning. Alam nila kung hanggang saan lang ang kaya kong ibigay. But with you, it was clear from the start. We were different. I showed you that with you I will give everything. With you, I don't care if I have none left."

"She was important to you," I whispered. "So much so that you changed because of her."

"I can't say that when she left that it didn't shape me in some way. Because it did. That's how life is. Natututo tayo sa mga bagay na nangyayari sa atin. I settled for the easy. Dahil hindi lang naman ako ang naghahanap no'n. Uncomplicated. Just a casual hook up where we get to have the liberty of what we need without investing too much. She hurt me when she left, and yes, what happened became the reason for me to have that kind of lifestyle. But it wasn't because I was pinning for her. It was because I see no reason to put myself through all that again. Through that kind of vulnerability."

I have never forgotten you. Not even for a minute.

"I-I... I can't do this."

"I can't blame her for everything, Circe. Before I met her, I was already looking for something I couldn't understand. I always needed more... searching for more. Maybe she could feel it. Maybe a part of her knows that I wasn't fully hers." His eyes look pained. Something that I know is a reflection of mine. "I couldn't sleep because I have always been restless. My mind always runs non-stop, and there's nothing that could stop it. With everything that's happening, the guilt I carry for bringing this fucking problem into your life, it wasn't a surprise that I couldn't find it in me to sleep peacefully. Not when I know that I need to protect you." I felt his hand tighten on mine. "When I was with her, it was the same thing. Except there's no threat or anything. I was just my usual restless self. It drove her crazy. I used to wake up hours before her, and the only way for me not to disturb her is to leave. Ganito na ako bata pa lang ako. When I was younger, I used to go to my parents' room and wake them in the middle of the night so that I could stay with them. That's the only time that I slept peacefully knowing I was with them."

"Coal..."

"The only person that I've been with where I slept through the night and woke up with the sun touching my face was when I was with you. Only with you."

Like I was submerged in ice-cold water, I felt my body shaking and my teeth chattering. Sunod-sunod na umiling ako habang patuloy ang pagdaloy ng mga luha ko.

I can hear what he's saying. I understand what he's telling me. A part of me recognizes that all the things that we shared couldn't be all lies. They couldn't just be all pretend. But there's a deep-seated fear inside me that doesn't want to listen. One that would rather I move back and spare myself from the pain of being left behind. The one that is telling me that I should leave first.

It's easy to hear his words, but it's hard to accept them. Not when he feels far away. Not when all I can feel is the bleak nothingness inside me that I grew accustomed to over the years. It was a comfort zone at the same time that it was a place of nightmares. Where I find myself when I feel like I've been discarded. Where in the end, I'm trapped back to where I started. To a place where the abandoned and the forgotten remained.

I felt another set of arms around me. Bahagya ako no'n na inilayo dahilan para mabitawan ako ni Coal. When I looked up, I saw Trace looking at his brother. "Let her breathe."

"Kuya—"

Trace was always the happy one of the Dawsons. I rarely see him serious. Almost next to never. But right now, there's not a hint of a smile on his face as he holds his brother's eyes. "Fix this. Talk to that woman downstairs. Nevan and I will take Circe home."

Coal didn't want to let me go. That much was obvious. But with his jaw tight and his face dark, he nodded.

Naramdaman kong iginaya ako ni Trace palabas ng conference room. I can feel Nevan following us until we're inside the elevator. It was a blur. The next second, I found myself sitting at the back of the car with Trace while Nevan was driving.

A long silence enveloped the small space, but Trace was the one who broke it. "I can tell you that there's no way he would have done that to you, and you wouldn't listen." I didn't look at him, but I could feel his eyes on me. "Not because you don't believe him. I know you do."

"I—"

"I understand you. I once thought that I was never enough for anyone to stay with me. I understand you because my wife went through the same thing. There was a time when she was scared of being left alone that she would rather be the one who walks away."

I looked at him, and his eyes met mine. He was full of gentleness and understanding. There's no judgment or condemnation.

"We are the kind of people that got used to watching people leave us." When I didn't move my gaze away from him, he continued, "So we create a space where we feel safe. Some call it self-imposed hells. One we find comfort suffering in because it's familiar. We know what to do with it. We know how to get by. It's better than trusting the unpredictable. Things that are out of control. Katulad ng mga taong mahal natin. We can't control them and their decisions. So we make it for them."

A strangled breath escaped my lips, and he patted my shoulder gently. I'm never been a crier but right now it feels like that I am one and I don't know what to do about it. I can't stop my tears from falling, like there's a dam inside of me that is broken and letting everything spill over.

"It's a sad place to be in. No one can make the decision for you to walk away from it."

"I'm scared," I told him honestly. "H-Him distancing himself from me and those images and... and when I saw her with..."

"I know. I understand. He's going to fix everything. Wala siyang choice kung ayaw niya isa-isa namin siyang batukan lahat na magkakapatid. And that woman, don't think about her. She's not a threat."

"He loved her," I whispered.

"Loved her once, maybe. But the way I see it, Coal knows the difference now. You loved Eleazar, right?"

I know the answer to that, and it's a yes. I loved him before. But now it's like I can't give that answer. Because I'm not sure. "I... I don't know."

"That's the same for Coal. If you ask him now, he won't be able to give you a straight answer whether he loved her or not. Kasi alam niyo na ngayon pareho kung ano ang pakiramdam ng totoong pagmamahal. We can fall in love a lot of times in this lifetime but rarely feel what it's like to love. Being in love is an initial feeling, while loving is a permanent imprint in our lives." Trace gave me a small smile. Palabiro siya at masayahin. I would have never thought that out of all his brothers, he would be the one here telling me all of these. "We worry about you, you know? Especially the women. You breeze through everything as if nothing can touch and hurt you. You're easy to push aside what causes you to feel anything negative. You're always smiling, rarely letting anything bother you. It's an admirable trait but it's also alarming. If you only recognize positive feelings, you'll never see the importance of the opposite of it. The only way we can heal is if we face those that make us sad, Circe."

"I don't know how."

"You abandon it." He patted my head. "You abandon the place where you go when you feel like you're being abandoned. Choose to walk away from it because you know that it's not a place where you belong anymore."

_______________________________End of Chapter 31.