#DS6Unwavering #CirCoal #SharkFamily #DaggerSeries

CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX: DESCENT

CIRCE'S POV

I'm torn between screaming at them or relenting to just finding them cute. Since I'm not a screaming type of person, the only choice I have is the latter. It's hard not to be a pushover when they're so adorable to look at.

Napapailing na ipinatong ko sa lamesa ang crayon na dahilan kung bakit muntik akong madulas. Hindi lang nag-iisa 'yon dahil kanina pa ako walang ginawa kundi iwasan ang mga nagkalat niyon sa paligid habang abala ako sa paglilinis ng bahay. Katatapos ko lang linisin ang mga banyo pati na ang kuwarto nina Tala at Kaise pati na ang guestroom na ginagamit ni Nevan.

Tala's out with Nevan because Coal wants her to have protection too. Magpapadala pa ang Dagger ng isa pang trainee nila na salungat sa orihinal na plano na bukod kay Coal ay isa lang ang sasama sa amin sa Siargao. Coal didn't want to take any chances since there's another issue going around the island.

I know he will be more at ease if we go back to Batangas. But Siargao is Tala's home, and I know she wanted to stay here now that she's on vacation and doesn't need to think about work. Ayoko namang iwanan na lang siya basta kaya kahit na mismong siya ang nagsasabi sa akin na bumalik na kami ng Batangas muna ay nagpilit ako na manatili rito sa Siargao kahit dalawang linggo lang.

Even though she already told me that she's okay with me and Kaise leaving, I feel guilty for just abandoning her. We've been with her for years. Noong panahon na pakiramdam ko mag-isa lang ako na hinaharap lahat ay siya ang nandiyan para sa akin.

Coal understood me even without me telling him everything that I was feeling. He didn't push for us to leave, and he reassured me that once we go back to Batangas, someone from Dagger will stay here in Siargao to look after Tala.

Napapailing na pinagmasdan ko ang mag-ama na nakadapa sa sala habang parehas silang nakasubsob sa mga drawing book nila. Kung bakit naman kasi imbis gamitin ang coffee table ay napagtripan nilang sa sahig gumuhit.

"Mommy!"

"Yes, babi?"

"Look!"

Ipinakita niya sa akin ang papel na sinusulatan siya. Parang sinabugan iyon ng iba't ibang kulay ng linya at mga bilog.

"Wow!" I exclaimed exaggeratedly. "Very good, babi. Ask Daddy Shark for a kiss. Mommy's dirty."

She threw herself at Coal, who caught her instantly and rained kisses on her. Rinig ko ang malakas na hagikhik ni Kaise nang tinalikuran ko na sila para pumunta sa likod ng bahay. Hinila ko ang malaking kahon na nasa storage room at dinala ko iyon sa sala.

Napatingin sa direksyon ko ang mag-ama nang inilabas ko ang laman ng kahon. Without a word, I assembled the huge wooden playpen. Itinayo ko iyon at ipinalibot ko sa mag-ama na tahimik na pinapanood ako. They're both lying on their stomachs, pen in hand, while watching me cage them in the middle of the living room.

Ipinagpag ko ang mga kamay ko nang matapos ako at binalingan ko sila. "If any of you, including your crayons, gets out of this fence, you both will be facing the wall for a timeout."

Kaise just gave me an "okay" like the good baby that she is. Coal on the other hand, just blinked at me.

"I'm serious," I told him.

"Pati ako?" pagsisiguro niya.

"Why? Are you going to let your daughter face a punishment alone?"

Nang hindi siya makasagot ay nakangising tinalikuran ko na sila. Cute. Parang ngayon lang ata siya napagbantaan na maparurusahan. That's not a surprise. One look at Coal and you'll see that he's the kind of person who loves to break rules and getting away with it.

Pinagpatuloy ko na ang paglilinis ko. Kahapon ko pa sinabihan si Tala na mag ge-general cleaning ako. Usually kapag ginagawa ko 'to silang dalawa ni Kaise ang kinukulong ko sa isang tabi para hindi nila ako maistorbo. Though I've never pulled out the playpen before.

Tala knows to clean, but when it comes to cleaning the whole house, she'd rather hire someone to do it. O kung siya naman ang gagawa ay paisa-isa iyon. Generally though she's a neat person.

I was the opposite. I hate cleaning. I mostly live in hotels since I travel a lot, so I don't really need to take care of anything. The best thing I know about keeping things tidy is vacuuming.

When Kaise came into my life, I had no choice but to learn. She's a baby, and her immune system is still underdeveloped. Since malapit din kami sa dagat ay hindi naiiwasan na mabuhangin at maalikabok ang loob ng bahay kaya hindi miminsan na nagkakasipon siya noong ilang buwan pa lang siya.

That is why I got acquainted with a lot of cleaning products, and as time went on, I learned to enjoy the process of cleaning the house.

I went back to my room, which became Coal and I's room. Wala naman kasing sense na magpalipat-lipat pa kami ng kuwarto kung lagi naman kaming magkasama na matulog.

When I was done, I went to the guest room, where Coal's things are still stored. Iniwan niya kasi ang mga gamit niya rito kesa dalhin iyong lahat sa kuwarto ko. Puno na rin kasi talaga ang closet ko.

I vacuumed and cleaned the bathroom. Nang matapos ay ang closet niya naman ang pinagdiskitahan ko at inilabas ko lahat ng mga damit doon na basta na lang niyang sinuksok. Itinupi ko ang mga iyon ng maayos at pagkatapos ay ibinalik ko na.

Isasarado ko na sana ang pintuan nang may marinig akong bumagsak sa loob na marahil ay nagalaw nang alisin ko ang mga damit. Kunot ang noo na kinuha ko iyon.

It's an old leather journal. Oops. Better return it before he sees me holding it.

I'm curious what's inside it because he never told me that he kept a journal pero wala akong balak na basta na lang pakielamanan iyon.

Before I could return it, something fell from between the pages of the journal. Yumuko ako para kunin ang bumagsak na bagay, pero natigalan ako nang makita kung ano iyon.

It was like I lost every bone in my body. Nanginginig ang mga kamay na umupo ako sa sahig habang titig na titig sa bagay na hawak ko.

"He kept it," I whispered to myself when I realized what it was.

My biological mother told me that she gave birth in the middle of the ocean. She was traveling for the last time, and on the way back to Batangas, her water bag ruptured. So she wasn't surprised that whenever I cry, being near the ocean calms me. Katulad kapag hindi makatulog si Kaise ay nilalabas din ako ng ina ko at nilalakad-lakad malapit sa dagat.

She couldn't keep me for long, but I will always be thankful that she didn't surrender me to my father instantly. Because at least it feels like a part of her wanted to keep me. She just couldn't.

When I found her again years later, she was already nearing the end of her cancer. She told me that sometimes she hates that she lived that long. One of the reasons is because she's suffering. The second is that if she knew she would have years, she would have kept me with her. But she was glad that at least I wouldn't need to suffer with her.

Sinulit ko ang mga araw na meron kami. I never told my father that I found her. But each time with her was precious.

She was the only one who never thought that me surfing was a waste of time. She said that it wasn't a surprise. She always thought that the ocean was my twin. Hindi pa raw ako nakakalakad ay parte na ng buhay ko ang dagat.

Before she died, she made me a woven anklet. I wear it everywhere, and when I lost it, I was crushed. The only thing that made it bearable was that when I lost it, when I thought I lost the only part of her that I had, that's when Kaise was brought into my life.

My eyes blurred with unshed tears. "I miss you."

Hawak iyon na tumayo ako. I noticed the journal that I had put aside. Kinuha ko iyon para isarado pero bago ko pa magawa iyon ay nakuha ang atensyon ko sa nahagip ng mga mata ko sa isang pahina no'n.

Napasinghap ako kasabay nang pagyakap sa akin ng panibagong pakiramdam. Gone were the small twinges of pain, and they were replaced by something that was close to awe.

"Holy shit," I whispered.

"Circe, we don't want to be punished, but we needed to go out of the pen so I could change Kaise's clothes. Natapon sa kaniya ang apple juice niya."

I turned to see Coal carrying Kaise. His eyes dropped to what I was holding, and his cheeks instantly went red as if he were embarrassed.

"First... you kept this." Itinaas ko ang anklet na hawak ko sa kaliwang kamay. "And thank you, by the way. For keeping it. My mother gave it to me, and I thought I lost it forever."

"Circe—"

"Second," I said, looking at my other hand holding the now-opened journal. "You have a drawing of me."

His mouth parted as if he wanted to answer me, and I could see in his eyes that he was scrambling for an alibi. When he couldn't find any, he let out a sigh and nodded. "Drawings."

"Drawings?"

"I don't want to lose the memory of you. I know I can never forget you, but memories fade, and I don't want to forget any part of you."

Nagbaba ako ng tingin sa journal. Nakapalumbaba ako habang nakangiti. My hair is being blown by the breeze, and some of it is obscuring my face. Inilipat ko ang pahina at doon ay nakatingala naman ako sa langit. It was at that time that we were talking at the bar.

There were more. My eyes, the side of my face down to my shoulder, and my lips. And then there's one with my cheek resting on my arm. You can see my naked back, my hair splattered on my damp skin, and the other half of my body covered and tangled with a white blanket.

All of them are drawn like photographs instead of something that has been sketched bit by bit on a piece of paper. They look alive. Like I'm seeing myself in front of me right at the moment that all of these happened.

"I wanted to draw more, but it wouldn't feel right," he whispered.

I know what he meant. Half the time that we were together that night, we were both naked.

But I wouldn't have minded. Dahil tama siya. Memories fade. I can still remember everything that happened, and most of it visits me in my dreams. But they weren't as clear as the first time that I dreamed of us.

"Are you angry?" he asked quietly.

Nag-angat ako ng mga mata at sinalubong ko ang sa kaniya. Walang imik na lumapit ako sa kaniya at ibinigay ko sa kaniya ang journal. He took it from me, his shoulders dropping.

"Circe..." I heard him call out to me when I walked past him.

Hindi ko siya nilingon at dumiretso ako sa kuwartong ginagamit namin. Naramdaman kong sumunod siya, pero hindi siya tumuloy pumasok sa loob. I opened the drawers near the bed, looking for something that I wanted to show him.

At the same time that I found what I was looking for, I heard Coal's whispered words, "I'm sorry."

I looked up, and I saw something in his face that I never want to see in him again. It's something that I'm used to seeing and feeling. It's a mix of disappointment and pain. A tear through the soul.

Rejection.

"Why would you need to be sorry, Coal?" I walked to him and stopped in front of him. "I'm not angry."

"I know it feels weird and creepy—"

"It's not." Binigyan ko siya ng maliit na ngiti at inilapat ko ang kamay ko sa pisngi niya. Kaise mimicked me, and she put her hand on top of mine. "It makes me feel important."

"You are," he murmured quietly. "You are important to me. Kahit na noong mga panahon na ikinakaila ko pa iyon sa sarili ko."

Tila may bikig na humarang sa lalamunan ko. When I got pregnant, it was like life threw me a curve ball. My life has changed since then— no. My life changed the moment I met Coal.

It was scary. Daunting. Exhausting. There were times that I couldn't help but miss the times when I didn't need to worry about anything but myself, especially when I was having a hard time adjusting to being a mother. But as time goes by, those thoughts melt away into nothing. Dahil hindi ko ipagpapalit kahit kailan ang buhay na mayroon ako nang dumating si Kaise.

She gave me a purpose that I never thought I needed. Akala ko alam ko na kung anong gusto ko. Akala ko alam ko na kung anong kailangan ko. Then she came into my life, and I became more.

Then, now that Coal is in our lives, it feels like what has already been a great life has become perfect. It became complete.

"You weren't the only one holding on to the memories of that night." Hinaplos ko ang likod ni Kaise. The number one reminder of what transpired between me and Coal. "You were important to me too. More than I thought you should be."

Ipinakita ko sa kaniya ang hawak ko. I was ready to explain what it was, but when his surprised eyes met mine... I knew. I knew that he remembered.

"Compared to yours, this is nothing. But at that time, I wanted a reminder that there are still good men out there. I wanted a reminder of this man not just because we shared the most amazing night of my life, but because even before we did, I knew he was someone that is not easy to forget."

"Baby," he whispered.

"My father was an absent father, and Eleazar betrayed my trust. The men in my life give me nothing but pain." I watched his face go dark with that. It always did something to my heart whenever he acted as if he wanted to shield me from everything that hurt me. Even if those things happened before him. "Then one night, there's this stranger who saved me from another asshole. He recognized that I can take care of myself, but he helped me anyway. He didn't look at me as if he's undressing me, and instead he looks at me as if he could really see me. I know he's interested in me, but he gave me a chance to choose for myself. He wouldn't even do something as simple as taking a leaf that fell on my shoulder, because he wouldn't touch me without my consent."

Muling bumaba ang mga mata ni Coal sa hawak ko. It's a leaf that I had someone laminate and preserve so it wouldn't wilt.

"Coal, I think I'm falling in love with you."

Despite the small smile I still have, I needed to bite my lower lip to stop it from quivering. It was an admission that was not easy for me. Madaming bagay ang kaya kong gawin, pilitin gawin, at kayanin na gawin na mag-isa. I battled loneliness alone, I've been disappointed countless times since I learned the meaning of that word, and I've handled the feeling of not being wanted all my life. But admitting my feelings—my real feelings—is something that scares the shit out of me.

Kasi pakiramdam ko kaya kong harapin lahat ng rejection mula sa ibang tao, kaya ko kasi sanay na ako, pero hindi ko ata kakayanin kapag nanggaling iyon kay Coal.

"I think I've been falling in love with you for a long time," I said, barely above a whisper. "I didn't know how to make sense of it because I don't know how it's possible to start falling in love with a man I only met once and to keep doing it when I only have a memory of him."

Sanay akong iisantabi ang nararamdaman ko. That's how I face life. I act as if nothing surprises me anymore. I just take what life throws at me and go with what I have. Nang muling pagtagpuin ang landas namin ni Coal, aminado ako na talagang nagulat ako. I feel like my world is starting to shift again. And what do I do when something so vast enters my world?

I pretend.

It was a defense mechanism that I always had. I put on a facade so I could show those around me that nothing could shake me. I'm so used to it that sometimes I don't even realize that I have it on. Ako mismo sa sarili ko hindi ko napapansin ang mga bagay na isinasantabi ko dahil sanay akong pagtakpan ang nararamdaman ko.

"I think I just need to let it out there." I let out a laugh that even to me sounded hollow. "You don't need to say anything—"

"I don't want to fall in love again."

I know what he meant. I'm the same way after Eleazar. Still... it hurts hearing it from Coal. "That's okay—"

"Kapag tinatanong ako kung bakit mas gusto ko ang buhay na mayroon ako, iyong walang commitment, walang malalim na koneksyon, ang lagi ko lang sinasagot ay dahil ayoko ng komplikado. Partly, it's true. I was done with complicated. I don't see why I need to be attached to someone again, only to get hurt in the end. The only consolation I had then was that at least, my family didn't know her yet. Kasi kilala ko sila eh. Alam ko kung paano nila tanggapin ang isang tao na importante sa isa sa amin na para bang pamilya rin nila ang taong iyon. At least in front of them I can pretend. "

I nodded. "I know. It's okay."

Even if it's not. Even if what he's saying is killing me.

"I was done with love. I was so over it. Kahit na napapalibutan ako no'n. I watched my brothers fall in love one by one. I'm happy for them, but I don't want it for myself. Kasi masakit maiwan. Masakit na parang wala lang sa taong minahal mo ang pagmamahal na ibinigay mo."

"Coal..."

"I was needy. I needed her too much. My mother was sick and I was losing her. Then my father..." Mapait na ngumiti siya at umiling. "I needed her so much because I feel like if I don't have someone to hold on to, I will be lost. And she left me. Kasi masyado ko siyang kinailangan. Masyado siyang nasakal. So I said to myself... never again. Never again that I will love someone. Never again that I will need another person than myself. Kasi ang hirap idepende ng kasiyahan sa iba. When they have the power to make you happy, they also have the power to take it away. When they have your heart, they can choose to break it too."

All I could do was stay silent. My heart is breaking for him. My heart is breaking for me. But what hurts most is that I know that I don't care if he hurts me.

"It's okay if you can't." I smiled at him despite the tears clouding my eyes. "You're enough. What you're giving me is enough. I know you will take care of me. I know I'm important to you. I know you care. So if you can't love me... that's okay."

I don't know what it says about me that I could say those words. If others hear me, they will probably think that I need to have more self-respect for myself. That I shouldn't settle for less.

But Coal... what he gives me—is more. I know it's more than anything I will ever experience again. So even though I could only have a part of him, I wouldn't trade it for the whole of someone else.

Humakbang palapit sa akin si Coal at ilang sandaling nakatingin lang siya sa mukha ko na para bang kinakabisa niya iyon. "You don't understand, Circe."

"I—"

His hand went to the side of my face. "I'm not falling in love with you." Isinandal niya ang noo niya sa akin. He watched as the tears that I was holding in glided down my cheeks. "I already did."

As if by magic, the excruciating pain enveloping me disappeared without a trace. It was as if they never existed in the first place.

"W-What?" I whispered.

"I didn't want to fall in love. I didn't want to be hurt again. I didn't want to need anyone again. I didn't want to give my heart away again. But with you it was different. Kahit mayroon lang tayong isang gabi. Kahit na saktan mo ako paulit-ulit. I still can't stop myself. I don't care if you take away my heart off my chest and destroy it with your own hand. I don't care because nothing hurts more than not having you in my life." He straightened, his eyes still watching me carefully. "The stakes with you are higher. Akala ko alam ko na kung paano magmahal. Akala ko alam ko na kung paano masaktan. With you, I realize what really love feels like. You can hurt me, but more than that... you alone, the only one in this life, could destroy me more than anyone can. And it's okay. What is the use of being happy when I can't be happy with you? Anong kuwenta ng puso ko kung hindi naman kita pwedeng mahalin?"

Marahang pinunasan niya ang mga luha ko gamit ng hinlalaki niya. "I don't know exactly when I fell in love with you. I do know that it's been happening before you even met my eyes that first time. I didn't want to acknowledge it. I didn't want to see it. Even when we met again, I was confused about what was happening with me. And then the moment came that there was no choice but to face it. Every moment with you, all of the things that make you the Circe I know, all of it consumes me until one day I wake up and my heart no longer beats for me because they are already yours."

A sob tore through my throat, and Kaise leaned forward so that I could take her. Umangat ang maliit niya na kamay at pinunasan niya ang pisngi ko. She might not understand what's happening, but she could recognize and feel it. "No cry," she said, her own eyes tearing up.

Niyakap ko siya ng mahigpit at lumuluha pa rin na binigyan ko ng masamang tingin si Coal. "Why are you being like this? Now my confession seems pathetic."

Natatawang ikinulong niya kami ni Kaise sa bisig niya. "It isn't pathetic. You don't know how you took my breath away when you said those words. Kung hindi ko karga si Kaise ewan ko na lang kung anong nangyari."

"But—"

Pinutol niya ang sasabihin ko sa pamamagitan ng paghalik sa noo ko. "Don't rush it. I'll wait until you're completely in love with me. You have no choice but to do it anyway because I will make sure that you will continue falling. With no stop. Unrelenting. Until one day your unwavering descent will lead you to where I am."

I don't know what I still need. What I'm still waiting for. But if there's one thing that I'm sure of, it's that I know it won't be long.

I'm already on my way to him.

__________________________End of Chapter 26.