#DS4Unadorned #MAAAD #DaggerSeries

CHAPTER 22: REASON

MIREIA'S POV

Naalimpungatan ako nang maramdaman ko na umaangat ang katawan ko mula sa sofa na kinahihigaan ko. I forced my heavy eyelids to open. Hindi nga lang madali iyon dahil antok na antok pa ako.

"I can walk," I said in rough voice.

"It's okay, angel. Go back to sleep."

I should have fought more and made him put me back on my feet, but it's too comfortable to be in his arms. Ikinawit ko ang braso ko sa balikat niya at isinandal ko ang ulo ko sa leeg niya. He feels warm and I love the way he smell.

"Hindi ako magaan," inaantok na bulong ko.

"You're light as a feather."

"Kung feather ng pegasus ang pinag-uusapan natin."

A low chuckle made his chest vibrate slightly. A small smile appeared on my lips and it eased my worry a bit. Pagkatapos kasi nang nangyari sa event ay halos paliparin na ni Axel ang sasakyan niya pabalik ng Cavite para dumiretso sa headquarters ng Dagger.

We stayed in his office, because frankly, I really didn't want to be alone. I think it was past midnight when I fell asleep on his sofa.

Bahagyang binuksan ko ulit ang mga mata ko nang marinig ko ang pagbukas ng pintuan. Nasa isa kami sa mga kuwarto na nandito sa Dagger. Marahang ibinaba niya ako sa kama at hinila niya ang kumot na nahigaan ko para ipatong iyon sa katawan ko.

He gently brushed my hair away from my face. "Goodnight, angel."

Mabilis na inabot ko ang kamay niya nang akmang tatalikod na siya. "Stay with me."

"Mireia—"

"Please."

He looks conflicted, but as always, he gave me what I'm asking him for. Umupo siya sa gilid ng kama at muli niyang marahang sinuklay ang buhok ko. "Go to sleep first. Me and my brothers have a meeting at six."

Nilingon ko ang orasan na nasa bedside table. Four o'clock pa lang ng madaling araw. "That's two hours away. You need to get some sleep."

"I don't know if I could."

"Try."

His eyes roam around my face. His brain is probably running at a maximum speed. I've seen him work. I know how obsessive he could be. I also know he's worried. I am too. Seeing that picture of Aurora Aranda, and the other women that died, will haunt me to my dreams.

"Stay with me," I repeated.

"I'll stay in the other room. I won't be far from you."

"Kapag hinayaan kitang umalis ay babalik ka lang sa trabaho." Pinisil ko ang kamay ko na hawak pa rin niya. "And I don't want to be alone."

"We won't fit on this bed."

I stood up and I inclined my head towards the bed. When Axel didn't move, I sighed loudly and pushed him gently. Hindi ko na siya binigyan pa ng pagkakataon na kumilos pa dahil mabilis na rin akong umakyat ng kama.

He made an "oof" sound when I threw my body on top of him so that he won't be able to move. I curled on him, using his broad chest as a pillow.

"Kapag kumilos ka, mahuhulog ako," sabi ko sa kaniya.

Two people can fit on the bed. Kung ang kasama ko ay si Belaya siguro pwede pa akong gumulong ng kaunti. But Axel is a giant, so he takes up more than half of the space. Hindi rin naman ako maliit na babae kaya kapag umikot ako ay siguradong sa lapag ako matatagpuan.

"I don't think I would be able to sleep this way too."

Nag-angat ako ng mukha para tignan siya. He's looking at the ceiling as if the answer to the universe could be found there.

Dahil sinabi ko kay Naynay na sa Manila muna kami tutuloy ay hindi ako makauwi para kumuha ng damit. Now I'm wearing his hoodie and his sweat pants that are too big for me. I made it work. Iyon nga lang ay wala akong undies na suot. I'm not even wearing a bra with the dress I was wearing hours ago since it was padded.

"Try," I said.

"I can sleep on the floor."

"Gusto mong pikutin ako pero ayaw mo kong makatabi?" Umayos ako sa pagkakaunan sa dibdib niya. Nang hindi pa ako nakuntento ay yumakap na rin ako sa bewang niya. We slept on the same bed for awhile now, but we never been this close. Nilalagyan kasi talaga ni Axel ng unan ang pagitan naming dalawa. "You made me get used to sleeping beside you so suck it up."

Hindi na siya muling nagreklamo pa. We both stayed silent for a moment. Tanging ang mga paghinga lang namin ang maririnig sa kuwarto.

"Did you found out who's doing this?" I asked, my voice barely a whisper.

Hindi siya agad nakapagsalita. When he did, I could hear the anger in his voice. "Not yet, but we will."

"The waiter—"

"Coal managed to get a copy of the CCTV footage, but the subject strategically hid his face from the cameras as if he knew where they are. Nakausap na rin ni Coal ang catering company. We're going to interview all of them. We're doubtful if he really worked for the company, but we're hoping that someone can identify him." He let out an exasperated breath. "I shouldn't have been distracted. He got too close."

"It's not your fault."

"It is."

"It's not. We went out for a simple event. Ang daming tao roon. I was sitting beside you. Kahit na noong umalis ako habang kausap mo ang dati mong kaklase ay alam kong hindi mo ako hinihiwalayan ng tingin. I wasn't in danger because you were there." I lay on my stomach so that I could look at him. "Don't take the blame for this."

His knuckles touched my cheek gently while his eyes memorized my face. "If something happened to you, I would have lost my mind."

There's always something happening to me. I was a fool to believe that I will have a normal life. Pero noon pa naman alam ko na kung gaano ako kamalas. It was like I'm destined to fear my own shadow my entire life. Or maybe because it's karma.

"Why do you like me, Axel?" I whispered.

"That would be impossible for me to answer."

"Why?"

Sandaling hindi siya nagsalita. Nanatiling pinagmamasdan lang niya ang mukha ko habang may masuyong ekspresyon sa mukha niya. "I could give you a million reasons why I like you, but do you really want to hear them when I can give you just one reason why I love you?" He took a lock of my hair between his fingers. "It's because then and now, I don't want to let you go."

A lone tear cascade down my cheek. Umakto akong lalayo sa kaniya pero napigilan niya ako. He pulled me closer until I'm on top of him, my hair falling on his chest while our faces were just inches from each other.

I know he likes me. I know I'm special to him. Kahit na minsan ay hindi ko alam ang gagawin sa mga pinakikita niya ay hindi ko magagawang itanggi na gusto ko ang atensyon na ibinibigay niya. He told me what he wanted from me, he showed me what he saw us to be, he even talked about having a family... and yet, more than anything else, that word... that word he just said... scares me.

"You can't love me."

"I can. I already do. I always did."

My voice came out strangled. "You fell in love with the girl you met ten years ago. I am not that girl anymore."

"I love the girl that light up my world before, and I also love the woman that she became ten years later. I can see that they're different from each other, but I love them both anyway."

It felt like I'm opening a wound that never healed. My chest felt heavy like something inside wanted to burst out in the open and scream.

"W-What if something happened to me before that changed me? Can you still tell me that you love me?"

He didn't hesitate to answer, "Yes."

"What if... what if I did something bad? Something so horrendous? Will you still love me?" I asked.

"I will."

The way he looks at me speaks so much truth. A heart will tell you who to fall for, but the eyes of the person that loves you say more than that, because they will capture your soul. Through the reflection in his eyes, I can see myself that I haven't seen for a long time; me that is worthy of love.

I'm scared. I want to run like I always do. I want to protect myself because I was so used to only count on me. But I couldn't. With him I couldn't. It's like he can see everything without me showing it to him. It's like he can hear the cries inside me even if I try to hide it.

"I was in love with you before," I whispered to him. "I was so busy studying. Ang dami kong gustong gawin. I promised myself that I will not think about anything else. Pero hindi ko maiwasan na isipin kung makikita pa ba kita samantalang wala ng rason pag-graduate mo? Can I make excuses to see you? Will you still want to or will I just get in your way?"

"Mireia..."

"Then I lied and left. I wanted to forget. I needed to. It wasn't difficult for me, you know? When I block away everything, when I don't want to hurt anymore, it's not that hard to shut away everything. But sometimes some will slip in the cracks and I will be reminded of everything. When it does, the memories of you are the only safe place for me to run to," I whispered, my voice shaking. "That's the hardest part. When I know that I have everything now that I didn't before, and yet I still feel empty. Pero kahit saglit lang kitang isipin, pakiramdam ko punong-puno ako."

He didn't look away, even if I know that he can catch a glimpse of the past I was trying so hard to bury. Nanatili siyang naghihintay para sa mga bagay na handa akong sabihin sa kaniya.

"I hate it when I think of you, because it makes me want to look for you. It makes me selfishly want to be with you. And I couldn't. I wanted to leave you in a way that a version of me could still exist. One that is happy. Not the one that I can remember." My lips quivered, but I fought through it, "So I tried to move on. I wasn't asking for much. I wasn't expecting to find the kind of love that I wanted. Some love only comes once in a lifetime. I just wanted half... or maybe not even that. Kahit konti lang okay na sa akin. But again and again, I failed. Until one day, I almost had it."

I waited for a flicker of jealousy, but there's nothing in his eyes except a flash of recognition. Like he knows who I'm talking about.

"Gale was different. For a while, I was happy with him. Pero kailangan ko siyang bitawan. It was unfair for him to be with me when I couldn't give him everything." I bit on my lower lip until I can almost taste blood. "I'm scared, Axel."

"Why?" he asked in a quiet voice.

"Because I know that with you, I can completely take hold of the kind of love that I wish for, but I don't know if it changes anything." Fresh tears streamed down my face again. "What if I'm too broken to be loved?"

Hindi ko na siya magawang makita dahil sa mga luha kong tila ayaw ng maampat sa pagtulo. I felt something warm touched both my cheeks and when I opened my eyes, I saw him kissing my tears away.

"Then I will love every broken pieces of you, Mireia."

I want to run, but there's no place to go but in his arms. The girl that fell for him before longs for him, and the woman she became is already free-falling.

PAKIRAMDAM KO ay halos wala pa akong naitutulog nang sa pangalawang pagkakataon ay naalimpungatan ako. I looked around me and I was the only one in the room. Nilingon ko ang orasan at nakita kong alas-siyete pa lang ng umaga.

Sabi ni Axel meron silang meeting ng six. I think I'm becoming too dependent on him. To be exact, parang nakadepende ang pagtulog ko sa kaniya. I can't sleep peacefully without him near me. You haven't slept peacefully for a long time, Mireia.

Halos hindi maimulat ang mga mata na tumayo ako. Hindi na ako nag-abala na suotin ang sapatos ko at basta na lang akong lumabas ng kuwarto.

I didn't need to search for him that long. Nang makita ko kasi ang conference room ay natanaw ko na siya agad sa salamin na haligi niyon. I walked towards it, and without knocking, I entered the room.

All eyes went to me, but I was only looking at Axel's direction. Kunot na kunot ang noo niya nang magbawi siya ng mga mata mula sa monitor ng laptop niya at tumingin sa direksyon ko. His face softened when he saw me. That's all it took for me to go to him.

He was about to stand up when I unceremoniously sat on his lap. He stiffened for a second, but when he saw my sleepy eyes, a small smile spread on his lips.

"You look like you're sleep walking," he said.

"I feel like it."

Naramdaman ko ang kamay niya sa likod ng ulo ko at marahan na iginaya niya ako sa dibdib niya. Umunan ako sa kaniya at kusang pumikit ulit ang mga mata ko. His brothers are probably looking at us weirdly, but at that moment, I didn't care.

When they started where they left off, their voices sounded like background noises to me. It didn't bother me and instead it it even helped. It's like letting the TV on at night while you go to sleep. Silence sometimes can be too suffocating.

I was dozing off for a few minutes when I caught into their conversation.

"Do you want one of us to stay with her? You're used to being here in the office. If you think you could help her case more if you're here then we can take the load—"

"No," I croaked out, interrupting Thorn. I forced myself to open my eyes, my arms tightening around Axel's waist. "No. I want him. I want Axel."

May narinig akong mahihinang pagtawa kasabay nang paggalaw ng dibdib ni Axel. Marahang sinuklay niya ang buhok ko. "It's okay, angel. I'm not going anywhere."

I plopped back down on his chest. Good then.

"Are you sure?" It was Gun that asked this time. "You'll need your office, the control room, and the research floor."

"If it comes down to that then we'll both be here."

"And if she has another appointment to go to and you couldn't go?"

"Then I'll ask for help, Kuya. But she's going home to me."

There was a smile on my lips when sleep took me away again. From time to time, I can feel Axel's hand on my hair as if he's playing with it absentmindedly.

"Did you find a link, Axel?" Thorn queried.

"I did a history search of the victims. Nothing relates them to Mireia except they are all models and that they are receiving negative criticisms for not relenting to the standard in the modelling industry."

"A hate fueled crime?" Domino asked.

"Possibly. Pero kung ganito rin ang ginawa sa ibang mga biktima, if they are being stalked and intimidated, hindi ba dapat ay may police report? I doubt that they will keep quiet about this."

"Except if they are being threatened." It was Pierce that spoke this time. "That's one scenario."

"I need more information."

"Like what?"

"I want the documentation of the crime scenes. I want the full one."

"I'll submit the request," Trace announced. "What about the interview with the employees working in the catering company?"

"Domino and I will go to Manila again, pero napasadahan na namin sila kagabi. No one gave us a concrete answer. The closest employee the perp approached was the bartender when he took the drink from him. It was a busy night and their memories are vague," Coal explained.

The youngest Dawson speaks, "Nakita niyo rin ang pinadala naming footage. Lahat ng empleyado ay naroon sa vicinity from beginning to end. No one left early."

"Unless the perp came in as a guest, changed into the catering company's uniform, and then switched back again to his original clothes," Axel said.

The room went quiet for a full second, before they irrupted into a series of flurry. I even heard the door being opened and closed again like someone left in a hurry.

My eyelids fluttered open. "You're so smart."

A few quiet laugh echoed around the room. Nang lingunin ko ang mga kapatid ni Axel ay nakita kong inaayos na nila ang mga gamit nila. Nasa labas na rin sila Domino at Coal na kumaway lang sa akin bago nagmamadaling umalis na.

"Let her rest," the oldest Dawson commanded. "And get some rest too."

"Kuya—"

"We're fine."

Thorn gave me a look and for a moment, he held my gaze. Isang parte sa akin ang nagsasabing huwag akong mag-iwas ng tingin at sinunod ko iyon. It was the right decision when the corner of Thorn's lips lifted up into a smile.

"Take care of your woman first, Axel."

Nag-init ang magkabila kong pisngi. Woman. It sounded like I'm owned. Claimed. But for some reason it doesn't feel barbaric and it doesn't make me feel like a piece of property. When I returned my eyes to Axel and found him watching me, I immediately thought of the reason why.

It's because it's the same with him. He is claimed and owned. By me.

"Still scared?" he asked softly.

"Yes."

He didn't look disappointed. There's not even a hint of impatience on him. "That's okay. I'll wait."

"Until I'm not scared anymore?"

"Until you're ready to share everything with me."