♚ september 2020
after disappearing off the face of the earth for months, daewon reappears again during his first live as a soloist

tw: mentions of mental illness/disorders

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the vlive opened to a view of daewon in front of an unfamiliar background, sitting crisscrossed in a plush black chair. he was leaning slightly off-camera, seemingly to focus on another computer screen, and muttering incomprehensible words to himself. he remained like that for almost a minute before he let out a surprised "oh" and then suddenly appeared fully in frame.

"ah, sorry guys. i hadn't realized i was live already." running a hand through his hair, daewon gave the camera an apologetic smile. he pouted for a few seconds and then shook his head a few times before his face suddenly brightened. "but, since we are live... hello everyone! i've missed seeing all of your beautiful faces. or screen names i guess? since this is unfortunately not a two-way video kind of thing."

he descended into a moment of deep thought, his eyebrows pulling together and his hand automatically going to mess with the thin chain hanging around his neck. but, his actions only lasted for a few seconds before he clicked his tongue a few times and then smiled.

"hopefully we'll be able to see each other in person soon. for now, though, we'll have to settle for seeing each other like this." daewon shrugged before a teasing smile took over his face. "not that any of you guys will mind, i know how much you all love seeing my face."

with that being said, he turned his focus to his other screen, assumingly so he could read the comments that were quickly starting to fill the live. as he silently scrolled through the screen, viewers were left with the view of him sitting with his chin resting in the palm of his hand, his hair messily splayed on top of his head.

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username: the prince is back!!!!!

username: daewon 😩 we've missed you!!

username: where have you been dude??? and why would you leave us all alone for so long????

username: my dude... how do you not know that you're live?

username: hey hey

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"hi everyone!" daewon turned back to the screen and started enthusiastically waving at the camera with both hands and a massive smile on his face. "i've missed you guys." he threw a few finger hearts at his fans in quick succession before turning his attention to something unseen off camera.

"jay!" he focused on his boyfriend who was sitting on a couch across from his, staring at him until he finally looked up from his phone. "do you think there are enough people on for me to start answering answering questions and stuff?"

"yeah. i don't know why you're asking me though... don't you have it pulled up on your other screen?"

"that's irrelevant." daewon let out a huff, causing some of the hair that was falling in front of his eyes to lift into the air for a few seconds before looking back at the camera. "if you couldn't tell, jay's here. and he's being rude to me for no reason."

"anyways, hello everyone!" he waved once again. "it's been a while since we've talked, which i'm really sorry for. i know many of you have been worried about me." a sheepish smile took over his face, which was soon replaced by a laugh as he watched his fans both agree with him and roast him in the comments.

"it's been a few months... i'm not really sure how many. time has been flowing together a lot recently." daewon felt beyond guilty for the sudden hiatus he'd gone on, especially since that wasn't something he'd done in however many years it had been since he debuted. but, so many things had happened that made that hard for him to do, so he didn't. and though it helped make life a bit easier for him, he couldn't help but regret it because of how anxious it had made some fans.

"i know i'm not someone who is known for being apologetic, but i really am sorry for worrying so many of you." he gave the camera the most sincere look he could muster and then settled back in his chair. "i wasn't on anything while i was gone so i didn't see all your concerned comments and stuff until very recently, and as endearing as it was to see how much you all care for me it did make me feel really bad to see some of your reactions. so, i'll try my best not to do anything to worry you all like that again."

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username: we were so worried about you :(

username: apology accepted 😊

username: we could never stay mad at you daewon!

username: we're just glad you've finally come back to us :))

username: why'd you disappear for so long?

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"ah, that's my apology quota for the next three months." daewon let out a laugh. "so, i hope someone recorded a video of that."

"anyways, beyond coming on here and assuring you guys that i'm alive and doing really great, i thought i could answer some of your guys' questions." pulling his phone out of his pocket, daewon silently scrolled through it for a few seconds before looking up again with a smile. "which is why i asked for your questions on twitter this morning."

"i haven't looked through any of these yet though, so i'm hoping that the questions aren't too scandalous... even though i'll probably still answer a few of them if they are. i'm just trying not to get into too much trouble right now."

"jay." he whispered yelled at the man, interrupting whatever he had busied himself with on his phone, and motioned in his direction. "do you think you can help me with some of the questions? like, you pick one and then i'll pick one? so, i don't have to choose all of them on my own."

"why would i do that?"

"because you're my best friend and you love me?"

daewon smiled brightly as jay let out a resigned sigh and then started to get up from his seat; because that sigh almost always meant that he was going to give in to whatever daewon had requested of him. and that was only reaffirmed when jay materialized behind him and flashed a peace sign at the camera, causing the chat to suddenly be flooded by messages. which made daewon laugh.

"hello everyone." jay flashed everyone a shy smile and waved before he looked at daewon. "i guess i'll be looking through questions today even though someone told me they just wanted me here for the company."

"thank you." daewon flashed jay a smile as he took a seat on the couch behind him, and then suddenly clapped. "alright dudes, dudettes, and anyone in between... let's get started."

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username: my two favs are together once again 💕

username: i thought you were kidding when you said that jay was here lol

username: bet you can't name a better best friend duo

username: are you finally going to tell us what's been going on?

username: can we ask jay questions too?

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"most people just want to know where you've been for the past few months." jay piped up, his vision never moving away from his phone.

"right." daewon nodded. "i guess we should get that out of the way before we do anything else."

"so..." his mouth turned into a slant as his mind turned in circles. even though he'd known his sudden absence would require some explaining, he hadn't taken any time to try and come up with one. the hope was that the explanation would suddenly pop into his mind when he needed it, but instead, he was drawing a blank. and the longer he sat in front of everyone in silence, the more self-conscious he felt.

"i've been working?" daewon let out a nervous laugh and pushed some falling hair from his face before shrugging. "i was filming for cinderella, which i hope everybody is looking forward to and planning on seeing by the way — and while i was in the middle of that i ended up parting ways with iceberg media. and i was... sorta expecting that to happen? but, i guess i wasn't as prepared for it as i thought i was because afterward, i freaked out."

"i just, i've never made music on my own. so, i got worried that i wouldn't be able to make good music on my own. or that even if it was good, people wouldn't care about me if i wasn't a member of phantom... especially since i wasn't under a company at the time." after his admission, daewon fell silent for a few seconds and began to fiddle with his necklace. he twisted the thin silver chain between his fingers and forced himself to take a deep breath before suddenly tugging at it and then continuing. "i ended up in a really dark place for a while where it was hard to get myself to do anything... so, I just didn't." he shrugged.

with his mouth turned into a small frown, he scanned the sudden influx of comments on his screen silently, only barely being able to read one before a new one popped up to replace it. they were mostly filled with people sympathizing with him and hoping that he'd gotten better and wasn't pushing himself too far, but there was also the occasional ignorant comment wishing he'd stayed away; though those commenters were always quickly destroyed by others soon after. and for that, he was beyond grateful, because he didn't think he really had the energy to be his usual snarky self.

after a while his face brightened, a soft smile taking over his face, and leaned closer to his camera. "i'm doing better now though, so please don't worry! i'm lucky to have a lot of supportive people around me who were willing to help me through those hard times, and with their help alongside some therapy and a lot of writing, i managed to make it through. and now i'm feeling better and more confident than ever." he flashed everyone two thumbs up before leaning back into his chair once again.

"sorry if that was a bit depressing everyone..." he flashed a nervous smile while running a hand through his hair a few times. "but, hopefully, that answered everyone's question about where i've been. and if any of you have been struggling with depression or any mental health-related thing recently then just know that you're not alone and that even if you don't feel like it right now, i am confident that you'll be able to make it through whatever shitty thing life and your mind will try and throw at you."

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username: got me crying in the middle of class 😭thanks for sharing daewon, we all love you and are just glad that your doing better 💕

username: i really needed to hear this today <3

username: sending you the biggest virtual hug right now 🩵

username: does anyone else think he told us all of this for attention? like, i feel like he just knows no one cares about him so he felt like he needed too come up with some bull about his mental health to make people care about him...

username: the fact that all my favs are starting to open up about their mental health makes me so happy 🥹 i don't know if you know just how helpful it is to hear someone you look up too talking about something you struggle with, your helping out so many people right now 🤍

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"alrighty then!" daewon loudly clapped, causing jay to jump in his seat behind him, and started speaking through his sudden laughing. "let's talk about literally anything else." he half-joked. "i didn't mean to get so intense there."

he turned back to jay, a teasing smile still on his face, and raised an eyebrow.

"you have any more questions for me?"

"not if your gonna be an asshole and laugh at me," jay muttered with an eye roll as he reached forward and pushed daewon's shoulder. "i don't have to be here right now, i could go back to the dorms, and hang out with my brother and the other synergy members if it your gonna be rude."

"don't do that." daewon pouted. "i was just kidding..." he then lowered his voice so that his boyfriend was the only one who would hear him. "plus, you owe me for the other night."

jay suddenly turned bright red and muttered a few words under his breath before forcing daewon to turn back around. "alright, i'll stay here, just shut up and focus on your stream."

with a bright smile on his face, daewon faced the camera again and looked back to the chat, where most people were either freaking out or teasing him for his interaction with jay; which he found hilarious. the two's friendship had been public since almost the very beginning so they were both used to comments about their closeness and people finding all their interactions to be the cutest thing ever; which they'd always found entertaining. but, with the added secret relationship they'd been in for almost a year now, he found it even funnier now.

every new comment about them made him either smile or laugh, and he spent almost five minutes responding to the ones he could before jay interjected him mid-sentence with another question.

"i'm paraphrasing here, but someone was wondering if you've had the chance to meet any of the other rebel entertainment artists and if you have, what that was like."

"oh! this is a really good question." daewon rested his chin in his hand and looked towards the ceiling for a few seconds in thought before he started slowly responding. "well... since i've been best friends with jay for a while, i guess the first people i met were the other synergy members, which was maybe two or three years ago? i was quite nervous when it happened honestly, especially when it came to meeting jinho since he's jay's brother and the two are so close. so, the first time we met was a bit awkward because of how quiet i was and i was worried i'd ruined my chances to become friends with them." he admitted while shaking his head. "i was wrong though, and i ended up becoming friends with them over time."

"beyond them... i met big time rush a few weeks ago. i accidentally stumbled into their practice room and instead of doing the polite thing and leaving, i just stood there like an idiot staring at them." he covered his face in embarrassment for a moment before laughing. "i just — i've been a big fan of theirs for a while so i was a bit starstruck and didn't end up moving until youngmin-sunbaenim noticed me standing there. he was really nice about it, and we ended up speaking for a bit before i left but it just... it was so embarrassing."

his bright red face only grew brighter as he read the flood of comments making fun of him, and when he turned to jay for comfort he only ended up coming face-to-face with his boyfriend laughing his ass off at him.

he let out a huff and rolled his eyes before turning forward again.

"even though you all suck, i'll finish answering the question." he rubbed his hand over his face a few times and sighed. "so... i ran into all the lost boys members briefly when i was first moving into my dorm because theirs is the one on the floor above me. they were busy so we didn't get to talk much but they were really nice and offered to have me over for a meal sometime."

"and then i haven't been able to meet any of the image members, at least not formally. i met them briefly over the past few years at award shows and music shows and stuff, but it's never been for more than a minute or two. so, i'm hopeful that i'll be able to change that soon because i've always been a fan of theirs."

"that was such a long-winded answer dude." jay piped up right after daewon finished, making daewon look back at him for a few seconds. "you took like ten minutes to answer that single question."

"and what's your point?"daewon looked at jay with his head tilted to the side. "i haven't talked to everyone in a while so naturally i'm going to be extra talkative... i'm catching up with all my people."

with that established he turned back to his screen and started scrolling after deciding to pick out the next question.

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username: you tell him daewon! feel free to talk to us as long as you want about whatever you want 🩵

username: there is no way the two of them aren't dating. like, i've never seen two people more obviously in love.

username: lol, only you would embarrass yourself like that in front of your idols

username: lost boys and daewon collab when??????

username: i'm so jealous rn, you're really out here living my dream and meeting all my favs

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daewon's face suddenly lit up as his eyes landed on a question, and he started lightly bouncing in his seat.

his sudden excitement earned him a laugh from jay, and his chat to explode with messages, which only made his smile grow. maybe it was pathetic to get so worked up over a simple question but daewon couldn't find it in himself to care. especially since it both gave him a reason to talk about the music he'd been working on and an excuse to use in case anyone at the company gets mad at him for talking about the incomplete project.

so, after calming himself down he excitedly hits the table a few times before finally focusing on his camera again.

"sorry guys, someone just asked about music and i got excited." he admits with a smile. "i didn't think it was something i could just bring up. but, since one of you beautiful people asked about it, i figure it would be rude of me not to talk about it."

with a smile on his face, he pushes some hair out of his face and takes a deep breath before he begins what will inevitably be another long-winded rant.

"remember earlier when i said i was worried that i wouldn't be able to write good music on my own? well... it turns out i had absolutely nothing to worry about," he says happily. "at least not completely? the first couple of months were really hard -- everything i made was absolute trash. but, after i stopped overthinking it and just wrote about life and how i felt and all the other stuff that was on my mind, everything sorta fell into place."

"i've been writing a lot. some of it is still kind of bad and will never see the light of day, but, i've also written a lot of songs that i hope you guys are gonna love." daewon admits somewhat shyly as his hands started fiddling with the bottom of his t-shirt. "i know this is gonna sound really cliche but... everything i've written so far is really personal. not in a super depressing way or anything, but, i've been writing about stuff that i've never really had the space to talk about."

"not that anyone was forcing me to stay quiet or anything!" he quickly clarified. "i just didn't want to take attention away from others. especially since i used to feel like no one would care about what i had to say." he admitted with a shrug. "but, i decided that even if no one wants to hear about me or what i want to say, that doesn't mean i have to say nothing."

he hummed to himself for a moment before nodding in confirmation to whatever thought was circulating in his head. "i decided that daewon the artist should be as open and honest as possible."

"anyway, i guess that was a long-winded way of saying that i'm working on some badass music that i'm really excited for everyone to hear. but, i don't have any other details to give you guys besides that."

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username: such a tease 😞

username: literally foaming at the mouth right now at the idea of music from you

username: i'm trying to be optimistic but i'm honestly nervous that his solo music is gonna be kinda mid 🤷🏼‍♀️ i mean, there's gotta be a reason he wasn't churning out songs while he was in phantom

username: i'm so excited to hear it !!

username: plz don't leave us waiting for music for too long ;-;

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daewon looked back at jay after he finished, only to find him already looking up at him. they stared at each other for a few seconds before daewon shot him a questioning look, mostly because he wasn't sure if he'd said too much or not. and even though jay was, at times, even more impulsive than he was, he was still the more responsible one of the two — and the only one in the room who could confidently say whether or not he'd just gotten himself in trouble with someone.

when he got an 'ok' sign flashed at him, daewon nodded and then promptly spun back around.

he spent almost two hours answering more questions and joking around with his fans, with his boyfriend even pulling a chair up to sit next to him and joining in on the conversation.

in all honestly, he was relieved that things had gone so smoothly. it had been a while since he'd been in the public eye, and this was the first time he'd done anything without some authority figure monitoring him or without a bunch of other people around him to lean on. so, he had been worried that he would feel awkward or walk away feeling like he'd done something wrong. but, he couldn't be feeling more at ease.

with a smile, he finally leaned back in his seat and after glancing at the time, clapped his hands together and then pointed both of his hands at the camera.

"as awesome as it's been talking to all of you guys, i think it's about time for me to go."

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username: noooooooooooo 😭

username: plz go live again soon!

username: love you daewon 🩷

username: maybe now i'll be able to focus and get my homework done... wish me luck lol

username: can we get a sneak peek of some of the new music before you go?

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"thanks for hanging out with me everyone!" daewon smiled and then held up the heart he'd formed with his hands to the camera. "i love and appreciate you guys... and hopefully we'll be able to talk again soon."

he watched the comments roll in, mostly of people either saying goodbye or trying to convince him to stay on for a little longer, and laughed at some of the things people were saying. despite having just said that he needed to go, he was waiting for jay to finish making the two of them food before he officially said goodbye since he didn't want to entertain himself until then. so, he continued to joke around and answer some random questions until he saw jay's head pop up behind him in the video.

"food's ready?" he asked with a smile as he turned his head to look at him.

"yup." jay nodded as he let his hair out from the ponytail he'd constrained it in. "are you gonna eat on live or should i wait for you?"

"i'm about to end the live so i'll join you in a minute. if you want you can try and find something for us to watch."

"sounds good." jay flashed daewon a thumbs up before he waved at the camera behind him and then promptly disappeared through the nearby doorway leading back into the hallway."

"alright everyone." daewon spun back around. "that's my cue to go, so i'll see you all later." he waved furiously at the camera for a while and followed it up by showing hearts to the camera in every way that he knew how to before laughing. "alright, love you guys, thanks for hanging out with me, and i'll talk to you guys soon."

with one final kiss to the camera and a peace sign, he ended the livestream, his smiling face being the last thing seen before the screen went dark.

a/n: phantom and iceberg media belong too BlueBirdie48

i'm not 100% happy with this but i haven't updated this in months and wanted to finally get something posted so here this is !! more daewon stuff coming this week (hopefully including an actual chapter) and hopefully you enjoyed :)