ACT XII | SCENE LIX

❝SCATTERED❞

IT ALL CAME crashing down on yoongi like an avalanche only when he was by himself. only after spending hours talking with haesun, convincing rian to go home to at least get new clothes for herself and haneul as well as some rest, reassuring jeongguk again that it wasn't his fault before sending him home, and speaking with the doctor to make sure everything was okay with the little girl, did he let himself even feel.

he was a father.

he was haneul's father. not adopted, not assumed, but her biological father. just like the girl had insisted he was this entire time.

he didn't know how to take it. sure, he'd been acting like a father to her, but it had been a sort of distant one. like an adoptive father. there had been that thin invisible wall yoongi always felt like he couldn't cross and it all came crumbling down right before his eyes. he was no longer playing dad, he was actually one now.

he wasn't quite digesting the information fast enough and it was as though he kept getting hit in the face every time he began to recover from the last blow. he wanted to go home to properly assimilate all the information and emotions that were threatening to bury him alive, but he couldn't. he had to stay there. he had to wait for haneul to wake up.

his daughter, haneul.

yoongi couldn't believe he'd given life to someone. he couldn't wrap his mind around the fact that a piece of him had been roaming the earth for six years without his knowledge. he was half responsible for another person coming into this world. one deviate night he'd barely even remembered had created such a monumental shift in what his life was planned to be, what he thought it would be. he'd adjusted to the first change—having haneul in his life—but this, this was different.

this upended everything. it dangerously tilted his sense of balance, and that stability he found to be a source of comfort completely slipped from his grasp. predictability had long gone out the window for him, but now it seemed like something he had no chance of ever recovering. it was never coming back.

whatever plans he had made for his life had just become useless. he laughed mirthlessly. he had to start from the very beginning again. he had to bring haneul fully into his life plans. he had to think of her even more, she had to be in his mind every step of the way. and, especially with the state she was in, he had to think of haesun too—she was the mother of his child.

a deep sigh fell from his lips as he glanced at the sleeping child. regret was slowly consuming him as he looked at her. yoongi had always regretted that fateful december night, but now it was for an entirely new reason.

if he'd drunk a little bit less, maybe he'd have had enough sense to write his name and number properly, or even encouraged her to wake up and head home where it was safer. if he'd not been holed up in his room every chance he got during graduation prep, perhaps they might have crossed paths. if he'd remembered that night better, maybe he might have searched for her himself. and maybe he might have known about haneul from the start.

nothing made sense; yet so many things began to make sense to him. yoongi's brain felt like it was seconds from imploding as he not only took in new information, but regurgitated old ones and ruminated on them with a different outlook. so many things that had happened, that he'd seen, appeared in a new light now.

those things that felt vaguely familiar about haneul. he understood them now. she'd reminded him of a much younger version of himself. of who he used to be as a child. as it turned out, she was a lot like him—both past and present. were personality traits and habits passed down through genetics as well?

"hah," he exhaled, holding his head in his hands. his mind was in utter chaos. it was impossible to pinpoint one single emotion as the one he felt the most. he just felt so... scattered. everything was a mess. he wanted to stop thinking for a moment, especially with the onset of a splitting headache he could already sense.

his fingers went into his hair, ruffling the tresses even further. the thousands of emotions and even more thoughts swirling inside him had begun a steady rhythm in his temples that threatened to only get worse the longer he sat in the silence all by himself.

he pushed himself on his feet abruptly. today had been a hectic day that seemed to drag on forever. thank god it's friday, my foot. he thought bitterly. he needed to eat at the very least, though he doubted that any food would actually go down now with the way his stomach was churning.

he slid the door to the hospital room open and found rian standing there, seemingly frozen mid attempt to open the door. "oh," they chorused. "mr m— yoongi." she said, eyes grazing over his face in concern. "miss rian," he stepped to the side to make room for her. "thank you," she smiled when he took the bags she held off her hands.

he placed them on one of the chairs in the room. "what's the matter? you look so... frazzled." she asked, watching him carefully. "is it that obvious?" he chuckled dryly. "yes. for one, your hair looks like you just rolled out of bed after a restless night." she pointed out.

she seemed to have calmed down at least and yoongi found that it gave him some sense of relief. after he'd let her know that he informed haesun of haneul's condition and convinced her to stay in bed, some weight seemed to have been taken off her shoulders. and now that she'd gone home for a bit, she looked even more refreshed.

"ah," he pushed his hair back with both hands in an attempt to smoothen it. she smiled kindly at him. "don't worry, it looks nice on you." she assured him. he paused, glancing at her in surprise. she only grinned widely when he blinked at her like he'd glitched.

"you look like something's bothering you though." she remarked, finally taking a seat. "i guess i have a lot on my mind right now." he admitted. "do you want to talk about it?" she asked softly, eyes on him as he dropped down on an empty chair. "i need to sort things out first." he answered. she nodded in understanding, pursing her lips slightly.

"oh, yeah!" she perked up, reaching for one of the bags he'd placed on the chair between them. "i dropped by your place. i hope you don't mind. miss lee let me in. i asked her to help pick out comfortable clothes for you." her eyes trailed over his body appraisingly. "i assumed your work clothes wouldn't be very comfortable to sleep in. i also brought you a toothbrush." she held out the black shopping bag towards him.

yoongi glanced from the bag to her face, unsure of how to react. "you didn't have to. thank you," he murmured, taking the bag off her hands. "no problem. i got miss lee to pack you some food too, so you can eat something after you've cleaned up." she lifted up a lunch bag for him to see. he stared at her dazedly for a moment. "you're—" he started but shook his head. "thank you, rian." he got on his feet. "i'll go get cleaned up."

her eyes followed him. "do you need me to show you the way?" she asked. "nurse chanmi already guided me earlier today." he shook his head. "oh, okay." she nodded with a small smile. he walked to the door and slid it open, glancing back at her.

"i'll be back soon."

🌻🌻🌻

hi butterflies! long time no see! i hope you've all been well. sorry for the long wait, things have been kinda hectic. there'll be a double update though! take care of yourselves and stay safe as always! 🫶🏾