The first time it happens, Harry is five months pregnant.

Louis had stumbled in late last night, Harry could hear him, and he woke up that morning to see that Louis was sleeping on the sofa. He probably couldn't make it to the bedroom.

This is normal, Harry isn't worried even when he's preparing Emily's lunch and he still hasn't moved from the couch. He puts a little plastic spoon into a container of yogurt and sets it on the tray of her high chair, sipping the tea in his hand, when he hears Louis call out to him.

Their flat is tiny, tiny enough that Louis' voice is quiet but Harry can still hear him clearly from the other room. It makes him sigh softly, frowning a little before setting his tea down and entering the lounge.

Louis is laying on his stomach, cheek squished into a throw pillow, making no effort to turn his head and look up at Harry. "Yeah?" Harry asks, voice soft but reservation still lingering in his words. He prays in his head that Louis isn't still high, that he won't say anything mean this time.

It takes Louis a moment to respond, but eventually, he asks "Can...can you just sit with me for a mo'?"

As much as Harry is annoyed with him for staying out all night (as if it isn't a normal occurrence), it's overruled by the somberness in Louis' voice. Since he takes up the whole couch, Harry lowers himself down to the floor, sitting by Louis' head.

Louis holds his hand out, his fingers trembling a little where they hang in the air, and Harry grabs it almost immediately. Louis' face is expressionless, staring at the floor, and Harry furrows his eyebrows.

"What's going on, L?" He asks softly.

Louis doesn't answer. Harry squeezes his hand, trying to get Louis to look at him, but he doesn't. He uses his free hand to brush Louis' fringe out of his face. "D'you want something to eat? I just got Emily some lunch."

Louis shakes his head. Harry's never seen him like this before. He looks at him for a second, squeezing his hand again. "Hey," Louis finally glances at him. "What's wrong?"

"I dunno," Louis mumbles. He's silent for a beat before adding, "I think I took something bad."

Harry frowns, debating in his head whether or not to try and get Louis to go to the hospital, until it hits him. He didn't take anything bad. He learned about this in psychology 101. Sometimes after people come down from a high, their serotonin drops really low, and it makes them depressed.

"Okay, you're okay," Harry soothes, running his fingers through Louis' fringe again. "Can I get you some water? It might make you feel a bit better."

Louis sighs softly, but says "Yeah."

Harry brings their entwined fingers up to his mouth, kissing the back of Louis' hand before releasing it. He struggles a bit standing up off the hardwood floor, but manages, and makes his way back to the kitchen.

The container of yogurt in front of Emily is empty. Half of it may be on her face (and her shirt, and in her hair), but she finished it one way or another. He grabs a paper towel from the roll on the counter, wiping her face off.

"Good job, Em," He coos, Emily batting his hand away as he wipes her mouth. "Such a big girl, finishing your whole meal."

"Mmm!" Emily exclaims, rubbing her tummy in a circle to show him she liked it. Harry grins, lifting her up and kissing her cheek. Her weight strains his back a bit, but he keeps her on his hip as he gets Louis some water.

He returns with Emily in one hand and a glass of water in the other. Louis hasn't moved a centimetre. He sets Emily down before lowering himself back to the floor, handing Louis the water. Louis just looks at it.

"Just a little bit," Harry coaxes. "I bet you're dehydrated."

Louis takes the glass from him, but doesn't make any effort to sit up. He leans his head up slightly, enough to take a small sip, before giving it back to Harry.

"I can't," He whispers. "'M sorry."

Harry frowns, but he takes the water back anyway, setting it down next to him. He reaches up and sticks his hand under Louis' shirt, gently rubbing his back. Louis closes his eyes.

"I wish I could be better for you," Louis says it so quietly, Harry barely hears it over Emily's babbling. "I'm sorry."

Harry swallows thickly, his hand stopping on Louis' back. "'S okay," He says after a moment. "You're just...going through something. It's okay. Let me help you, L, I just want to understand. Please. Help me understand."

Louis squeezes his eyes shut tighter, as if Harry's words are painful to hear. He doesn't say anything else, though. Sometimes Harry wishes he could read his mind, could know what's going on up there that could cause him to destroy himself like this, destroy the life they were building together.

Emily toddles over to the couch, putting her little hands on Louis' cheeks. Louis opens his eyes, blinking up at her, and she leans down and smacks a kiss to his forehead. "Dada, kiss!"

For the first time that day, Louis makes an effort to roll up onto his back. He grabs Emily and lifts her up so she's laying on his chest, holding her tight against him. Emily giggles, gripping his arm as he presses his nose into her curls, closing his eyes again.

Harry wants to go get his tea from the kitchen, and his heart sinks at the fact that he even thinks this, but he doesn't trust Louis alone with Emily in this state, doesn't even trust him with himself. So, he stays there, watching Louis hold her, wondering what about him, or Emily, or all of it isn't enough to make him want to better.

♛

The arrival of Friday comes with its own challenges, but Harry doesn't let any of them hinder his good mood about going out with Luke that night. Emily doesn't have school, it's some sort of professional development day, so Harry's bringing them to Louis' for the day while he works.

"You really don't have to go if you don't want to, Em," Harry says gently, struggling to get Katie to put her trousers on. "I know you don't want to hurt his feelings, but your feelings matter too."

"I know," Emily says quietly. "I want to."

Harry nods, sighing as Katie just stares down at the trousers he holds out to her. "C'mon, Bug," He's practically begging at this point. Katie just wrinkles her nose. "These ones are loose. It'll hardly feel like you're wearing trousers at all."

"Don't like them," Katie huffs.

"You can take them off literally as soon as we get to Daddy's," Harry assures. His mother had told him lots of kids go through a phase where they don't like to wear clothes. Harry's been waiting eight months for it to pass. "Just put them on so I can get you there, please."

Katie makes a face, but she finally steps into her trousers, letting Harry scoop her up as soon as they're on. "Okay, trousers are on, bags are packed, I think we're ready."

"Why can't we just go to Nan's?" Emily asks, her Harry Potter rucksack already resting on her back. "We're goin' there later anyways."

"Nan's got some things to do today," Harry walks out of the room and down the stairs, Emily following. "'M gonna take you there as soon as I get out of work."

It's a bit warmer out than it's been for the past couple of days, so Harry doesn't worry about their jackets, instead grabbing them off the coatrack so they'll have them just in case and bringing them out to the car.

He plays only love songs the whole way there, belly light and fluttering with excitement. The stress will come later, with having to pick out what to wear and figuring out exactly how to part his hair and timing when to leave his house. Right now, he allows himself to be excited.

When they get to Louis' flat, and Harry knocks, there's no answer. He knocks again, and waits, but there's still no answer. Furrowing his eyebrows, Harry twists the doorknob, realising it's unlocked. Louis is nowhere in sight, though.

"Louis?" He calls out to the empty flat.

"Daddyyy!" Katie squeaks, taking her little rucksack and running into the flat before Harry can stop her. Something isn't right, Harry can feel it in the pit of his stomach.

Before Katie can run down the corridor to his bedroom, Harry scoops her up, holding her close to him. "You stay here," He mumbles, gentle and stern at the same time. If something did happen, she can't be the one who finds him. "Um, Em, why don't you take your sister and watch something on the telly?"

Emily nods obediently, and Harry sets Katie down, watching as Emily leads her to the sofa. Bracing himself, Harry walks down the corridor, peeking into the washroom, but finding that it's empty.

When he approaches Louis' bedroom, the door is wide open. Louis is still in bed, laying in his stomach, eyes open and stuck on the ground. Harry can't help but exhale in relief when he sees Louis' back rising and falling with each breath.

He's seen this enough times to know what's happening, although it's been years. Louis' eyes shift upward, noticing Harry's figure in the doorway. "H."

"Hey," Harry says gently, slowly stepping into the bedroom. He's never been in here before, has never had a reason to. There's bras and panties and blouses strewn across one side, and Louis' clothes on the other.

There's remnants of cocaine on the bedside table. He chooses not to look at it, not to think about the girls stumbling across it. He'll fight that battle eventually, but right now that might just send Louis over the edge.

"What's goin' on, Louis?" He asks, although he knows already. Louis doesn't give an answer, making a pitiful whimpering noise before looking back to the floor. 

Harry knows Louis isn't his responsibility anymore. He knows he doesn't owe Louis anything, but he can't leave him like this. He can't take the girls and bring them back home and leave Louis alone knowing how depressed he is. Knowing Louis doesn't really see a point in being alive right now.

Cautiously, Harry steps over a few of Louis' clothing articles, squatting down next to the bed. "The girls are here," He reminds gently. "They're very exited to see you."

Louis' quiet for a moment longer, voice small when he asks "Both of them?"

"Mhm," Harry gives him a small smile. "I even told Emily a bunch of times she didn't have to come, but she insisted."

The sparkle returns to Louis' eyes a little bit. He looks up at Harry through his long eyelashes. "I..." He struggles a little, closing his eyes. "I don't think..." He sighs softly. Harry just waits, patient. "I can't be alone with them."

Harry knew that already. "It's okay," He assures gently. "I can stay here."

"No, please don't," Louis says, the guilt dripping in his voice muffled by his pillow.

"Louis," Harry's voice stays calm. "I'm not leaving you alone."

Louis doesn't argue, just sighs shakily. His whole body is shaking, actually. He needs a shower, for sure, and some real food. "C'mon, a good shower will make you feel better," Harry stands back up, standing over the bed and patiently waiting for Louis to get up as well.

Louis doesn't. He glances up at Harry. "Did you really meet someone?"

Harry deflates a little. Hands on his hips, he pauses before nodding. "Yeah."

Louis takes it in for a moment. "I hope he's nicer to you than I am."

That was the last thing Harry was expecting to come out of his mouth. He's always a lot more honest like this, though, painfully sober and self-loathing and sad. Harry swallows thickly. "C'mon. Shower."

Louis finally obeys, struggling a little as he sits up and runs his hands over his face. Louis did this to himself, Harry knows that, but previously being with him for four years means still getting an ache in his chest when he sees how unhealthy he looks, how much he's destroyed himself.

He gets Louis to the washroom, watching as Louis turns the shower on and takes a towel off the shelves above the toilet. "Will you be okay in here?" Harry asks. Louis doesn't answer, so Harry opts for sitting outside the washroom, back against the door while Louis showers.

He calls work first, tells them he's had a family emergency and he can't come in, before calling his mother.

"Hi, love, 'm at the grocery store."

"Hey," Harry says, swallowing thickly, talking quietly so the sound of Bluey on the television will drown out his voice. "Um, something came up, I actually don't need you to watch the girls tonight."

"What? Why, what happened? Oh, please don't tell me he bloody cancelled on you!"

"No," Harry assures quickly. "No, he didn't. Just...something came up, I can't go out."

Anne is quiet for a moment. "Harry," She says warily. "Please tell me you are not cancelling your first date in years because of something Louis-related." Harry doesn't say anything. "Baby, please. He is not your responsibility."

"He's gonna hurt himself if I'm not here," Harry tries to sound stern, but his voice wavers a little. Anne doesn't respond. "He's their dad, mum. I can't leave him alone knowing that."

"Your heart's too big for your own good," Anne mumbles, but he can tell from her tone she's not joking at all. Harry just sighs. "Okay, well. Let me know if you do end up going out with him. I'll be here."

"Thank you," Harry practically whispers.

"I love you, Harry," Anne says. "So, so much."

Louis doesn't end up taking too long in the shower, but he gives Harry enough time to text Luke and tell him he can't go out tonight, and that something came up, but he was really looking forward to it.

Louis gets some clothes on, brushes his teeth, and finally makes his appearance in the lounge. "Daddy!" Katie squeals, but she doesn't move from her spot on the sofa, too immersed in her show.

"Hi," Louis says quietly, clearing his throat. "Um, hey. Thanks for coming to hang out with me."

Emily looks up at him, and Harry can tell just from her eyes that she senses something's wrong. She scoots away from Katie, creating a space in the middle. "Can we watch Spider-Man?" She asks.

Louis' eyes light up a little. Harry knew the girls would put him in better spirits. "Really? You want to?" He asks.

"Mhm," Emily nods, smiling, and Katie agrees. Louis sits down between them, and Emily leans into his side. He looks down at her, not even reaching for the remote to change to Spider-Man yet.

"Hey," He practically whispers. Emily looks up at him. "I love you, Emily Anne. So, so much. You know that, right?"

"I know," Emily assures, grinning up at him, her front tooth still not fully grown-in. "I love you too."

Louis smiles for the first time that day. It's small, but it's something. Harry doesn't think his heart could feel warmer. He turns around, leaving Louis with the girls and going to the kitchen in an attempt to find some real food to feed him.

His phone vibrates in his back pocket, and when he pulls it out, he sees Luke has texted him.

"Aw, man, I hope everything's okay :( I totally get it. Just let me know when you're free if you want to reschedule"

He is everything. Harry grins to himself so hard his cheeks hurt, immediately typing out a reply.

"Are you free tomorrow night ? Everything should be good by then"

"Yeah, that's fine!! Can't wait :))"