Terms and Names:

*Pooja – prayer

*Chakravarthini – empress (another way to refer to Draupadi)

*Trigarta battle – On the 13thday of the Mahabharata battle, Arjuna had left with Krishna to fight the Trigarta army. Hence he was not present on the battlefield during the death of Abhimanyu.

*Drona - the Guru (teacher) of  the Pandavas and Kauravas

*Shishya - student 

*Angavastra – a scarf type of garment worn by men usually to cover their upper bodies

*Chakravyuha - military formation used to surround enemies (used in the Mahabharata)

Other names for Arjuna used in this part:

*Phalguna – meaning 'the one born under the star Uttara Phalguni'

*Dananjaya – meaning 'the one who conquered wealth and gold'

*Vijaya – meaning 'always victorious or undefeatable'

*Savyasachi – meaning 'the one who can shoot his arrows with both hands'

"Leave the tray of flowers in the Pooja room," Subhadra ordered the maid, as she hurriedly made her way towards her dear daughter's room. She had fallen into a restless sleep after much emotional struggle last night, and woken up to an empty bed without her Aarya. Knowing he must have gone in search of her Mitra, she decided to have a check on the princess as soon as breakfast had been made.

Subhadra completely lost in her thoughts as she entered the princess's royal chamber, had to halt her steps suddenly to prevent herself from crashing into the Chakravarthini of Hastinapura - who was standing at the doorway to the bedroom, and gazing in adoringly with her cheek resting in her palm.

Taken aback by her curiosity at what exactly the scene was in the room that had the Empress smiling so adoringly, Arjuna's youngest wife placed a palm over her elder sister's shoulder and peeked over to obtain a better view, which left her spellbound.

Rays of sunlight filtered in, falling upon the closed eyes of Gandivadhari as his eyebrows scrunched together unconsciously in response. To avoid the direct aim of Lord Surya on his soft eyelids, Arjuna unconsciously dipped his head down, which was resting on the pillow, and laid his stubbled cheek on the soft and downy head of the Kuru Princess, nestled in his strong arms.

"Panchali, did you see Nakula's bird seeds anywhere? That animal obsessed soul has been irritating me since I woke up, pestering me to find them for him," boomed Bhima's loud voice who was swiftly walking towards the doorway to the bedroom.

"Shhhh!!!!" hushed both Krishna's sakhi and sister, with a finger on their lips, causing Vrikodhara to unconsciously place his own finger on his lips as well. Utterly confused at why his wife and dear sister-in-law were staring into Mitra's room and acting so peculiar this morning, he walked over to take a look for himself.

"Arjuna is still sleeping? He's usually the first one to wake before us all!"

Draupadi turned to Subhadra and shook her head with an exasperated look on her face, while the latter covered her mouth – attempting to hold back the giggle rising on the tip of her luscious pink lips.

"Aarya! Shh! Keep your voice low. Aarya Arjuna and Mitra are finally getting some sleep after the mayhem in the sitting room last night!" whispered Draupadi.

"Oh, right!" whispered back Bhima while scratching his head.

"Aarya had a very difficult night, Sister. He had finally sunk into a restless sleep last night, but I guess it was not to last for long. He must have shifted here in the early morning hours," spoke Subhadra.

Draupadi gently caressed Subhadra's hair as she gave her a soft smile.

"Looks like they both found their peaceful rest now, Subhadra. But, do you both think they would have talked things through? I can't handle seeing either of them depressed any longer," Draupadi murmured, as a slight worry gripped her peaceful heart again.

Subhadra held her sister's hand while Bhima placed both his on her shoulders – providing his silent support to his shared wife. A slight movement caught their attention as they whisked their heads to see Mitra, still asleep, trying to free a hand which was stuck beneath Arjuna's muscular arm. The trio watched curiously to see why and what was happening, and then immediately struggled to stifle back a giggle as they saw Daanveer Putri abandon her attempt to free her hand, and instead rubbed her itchy nose against Dhananjaya's chest, causing the latter to stir.

Bhima grinned at both Draupadi and Subhadra as he replied, "I think they will be more than fine. I'm a strong believer that there's nothing Vijaya and his Nandhini cannot handle!"

"So, are you just going to stand there all day and stare at me, instead of coming in?" questioned Arjuna, who was seated on the edge of the bed, with his arms crossed.

Mitra bit back a sarcastic reply that reached her lips as she stood at the doorway to her room, fidgeting with her soft fingers. She had been brave enough last night due to the after effects of her dream, and was ready to talk everything through with Arjuna. Yet, now it was daytime and the euphoria surrounding the dream was long gone. The moment she had been dreading to face post breakfast had now mercilessly arrived. There he was, sitting upright at the edge of her bed, with his arms crossed and a 'you are not leaving this room till we talk things through' expression playing on his sharp features. And here she was contemplating to either be swallowed by the ground, or dash to the other corner of the palace.

"It's alright, you can take all the time you want. I have nowhere to be and I will be leaving nowhere till we are done talking," he spoke with a hard edge to his voice, making Mitra wince.

'Mitra it's alright, calm down and relax. It's just Arjun Baba, not some fire-breathing dragon,' she thought to herself as she hesitantly took lingering steps into the large bedroom. But one look at his stiff posture and unblinking gaze, observing her each and every move, made her think otherwise. Avoiding his direct gaze, Mitra stumbled her way towards the armchair near the bed and seated herself on it, with her hands folded neatly in her lap.

"Oh, so we're going to be formal today, are we?" Arjuna's voice effortlessly cut through the thick silence in the room, making Mitra's gaze snap up to meet the frustration in his eyes. "That's completely fine with me."

As a small whimper escaped her lips, in response to the cold carelessness in his voice, Mitra hastily got up and ran into his outstretched arms.

Arjuna shut his eyes tightly to block the burning tears that threatened to break free from his blurred vision, as he held on to his daughter, as if his life depended on that hold. Which in reality it did. He mentally chided himself for bringing upon the rough hardness in his tone when speaking to her. What was he thinking? He was frustrated, yes. But his frustration was not directed at her. Rather, it was a result of the re-surfacing of the unforgettable scars of his past. The ones that he had with much difficulty tried to bury away within himself, to a depth where it may be reached no longer. Yet, realized just last night that he had failed miserably in his attempt.

"I love you, my child," he murmured into her soft hair, always smelling of fresh jasmines.

"The feeling is mutual, Baba," came the muffled reply of the young princess whose face was buried against the chest of the Pandava hero, as she revelled in the ever-familiar scent of Phalguna.

Arjuna let out a soft chuckle in response to the witty reply of Princess Mitravinda, which he missed dearly, as he gathered his young one closer in his embrace.

"Oh, really? Then why were you so hell bent on breaking the fragile heart of this father last night?"

As he felt her petite body stiffen in his arms, Arjuna bit his tongue, immediately regretting his choice of insensitive words. 'So much for taking things slowly,' he muttered in his thoughts as he hastily worked to correct his mischoice of words.

"Putri, what I meant was-"

"No... you were right, Baba," Mitra cut him off partway as she slowly raised her head to look at him. "My words hurt you a lot. But I swear that was not my intention."

Arjuna pressed a soft kiss on her porcelain forehead as he replied, "You are not capable of hurting even a fly, my selfless child."

Mitra shut her eyes tightly and rested her forehead against the neck of Dhananjaya, as she marvelled at the choice of name the two most important men of her life referred to her as. 'Selfless child.'

Arjuna embraced her tightly, wanting nothing more than to dwell for a little while longer in this pain-free atmosphere. Yet, the instincts of a protective father and well-wisher in him knew otherwise, forcing him to voice the question that has been haunting the minds of all since the last evening.

"What made you behave as such in the sitting room last night, Putri? What made you utter those words?"

The tip of his nose grazed against the stubborn baby hairs glued to her hair line as he urged himself to voice the words that he had held back, "Please speak the truth only."

Mitra inhaled a deep breath of the familiar dusky saffron, mixed with sandalwood scent of Savyasachi, which helped clear the chaotic turmoil of emotions in her mind, as she willed herself to answer the most dreaded question of her lifetime.

"Insecurity, Baba. The deeply rooted feelings of insecurity that tend to dwell with joy in finding solace in the mind of an adopted child."

Arjuna felt himself shudder as he remembered the way Mitra had cringed when he had grasped her shoulder in the sitting room last evening. Was this insecurity at play then?

"Where did this insecurity stem from, Putri?"

The name reached the tip of Mitravinda's lips on its own accord, as she struggled to swallow it back – unable to be the cause of Arjuna's further pain. Yet, his one request to her to speak nothing but the truth, and the desire to clear all forms of misunderstanding between them, forced her to utter the name that has been haunting her thoughts again since last night, "Brother Abhimanyu."

"What about Abhimanyu, my dear?" Arjuna questioned, as he struggled with each and every nerve of his being to keep his emotions in check, and prevent the reactions of his wrenched heart displaying itself for view upon his handsome features.

"The war took away many lives, Baba. And for you, it took away your most loved one – your Abhimanyu. How much pain you must have faced and still continue to endure because of his loss?"

A lone tear escaped the eye of Dhananjaya and rolled down his cheek, as it located it's home on the luscious lashes of the sharp, doe-shaped eyes of Karna Putri. Arjuna watched in awe as she gently lifted the tear drop from her lashes onto her fingertip and transferred it to her head, as her most priced blessing. A small, sad smile adorned the face of Vijaya as he witnessed his Abhimanyu in that precious action. He stood up from his original position and sat near the top of the bed.

"Words will never be sufficient to explain how I felt during those moments, Putri," Arjuna quietly replied as he rested his head against the plush pillow sheathing the bed rest, and opened his arms for Mitra to climb in again.

Mitra crawled into his embrace once again and rested her head on his chest as she replied, "Tell me Baba. How long will you keep it bottled inside you? Tell me how you felt during those moments."

Arjuna maintained a chilling silence for a few minutes, and with each passing minute, Mitra lost hope of getting him to share his thoughts. Just as she was about to reassure him that it's alright if he doesn't want to converse about it, when Arjuna spoke up again.

"Abhimanyu. My first born. He was my happiness, my pride and my dearest. The son I spent my exile hearing about through stories alone. Stories describing his birth. His first crawl. His first step. His first teething experience. His childhood. His training. A son who I was only able to embrace to my heart's content 13 years after his birth. I craved to spend so much time with him to compensate for the years of his childhood, which I was unfortunately not able to witness. Yet, that day. That horrid day I returned from the battle with the Trigarta army, to see his corpse laying in front of our campsite on the Kurukshetra field – that moment was enough to shatter the dreams and longing hope of my heart, Mitra. The moment my eyes landed on his bloodied gashes, my entire being entered a state of numbness that I never knew possible, and I felt an unexplainable dark voidness surge itself through my body, and settle itself in the deepest depths of my soul. Mitra, I never felt anger towards my family in my life, ever. But, at that moment, when I witnessed my loving son's lifeless body on the ground, I felt nothing, but hot rage run through my veins. It was directed at no one in particular, but none were spared from it. Not even elder brother, Yudhishthira. I resented everyone for breaking the highest trust I placed in them to safeguard my son. I wanted nothing more than to tear someone's head off the trunk of their body," Arjuna absentmindedly snarled, making Mitra shudder.

The young princess raised her fragile hand and caressed the skin above the devastated father's cold and vigorously beating heart – in her small attempt to provide the warmth it desperately grieved for at the moment. Arjuna, clasped the petite hand on his chest while giving her a small smile of gratitude.

"Eventually the rage subsided greatly while I sat alone in my tent. It was then that I was able to recognize the deeper emotion at play, which was instigating my rage against myself and my loved ones – unmistakable regret, which came crashing down on me like never before. I regretted my choice of actions. I regretted not stopping my elder brother from gambling away himself, our family and our possessions. I regretted leaving for the 13-year exile while Subhadra was pregnant with Abhimanyu. I regretted not being present during his birth and childhood. I regretted letting him be trained during his early years to be able to fight this disastrous battle. I regretted him being trained in the breaking of a chakravyuha formation . I regretted not remembering that he only knows how to enter the chakravyuha and not exit it, as that was what he had heard while being nestled in the safety of Subhadra's womb. I regretted not spending more time with him during war planning to train him how to break free from a chakravyuha. I regretted trusting that my son would never have to enter a chakravyuha during the war, as I would be there to take on that task. I regretted leaving Kurukshetra to fight the Trigarta battle, while leaving my loving son in the responsibility of my brothers and other great warriors – whom I would only come to learn later that they had failed in their duty to protect him. It was unbearable, Mitra," he cried as he buried his forehead against the small hand, he was clutching with all his hope. "The moment all these regrets of my life came crashing down on me at once, the pain was worse than anything I've ever faced on the battlefield. I wanted nothing more than to end my life then and there."

Mitra gasped hearing the words of her father. She used her free hand to clutch his angavastra as her mind registered the meaning behind his words. Just imagining not having Arjun Baba in her life was beyond unbearable. Arjuna sensing the fear hidden behind the deep brown orbs of his young one staring up intently at him, nodded his head in the negative, as he lifted the hand he was holding and pressed a soft kiss on it.

"I promise you, I won't leave you."

Mitra nodded with a small smile, as her face was cupped gently between the hands of Gandivadhari.

"I spent most of my night pondering over what could have happened, that had made you react as such, Putri. Just moments before sprinting out of the sitting room, you uttered 'Why would he train me? I'm not his Abhimanyu.' No, please don't condemn yourself for it, my dear. I know it was uttered in the heat of the moment," cajoled Arjuna, as he observed tears slip the beautiful eyes of Vijaya Nandhini.

"I'm sorry, Baba," she choked on her tears as Arjuna hurriedly wiped them away with his calloused thumb.

"Don't be, Mitra. You, my child, are not capable of hurting any living being. You only know to bring love and complete joy in the lives of all you touch. But your words had me pondering all night, what I might have done, that had made you utter such words. Did I somehow give you the impression that I love Abhimanyu more than you, Mitra? I would never even in my worst dream think to show such partiality between you both. You both mean the world to me."

A tear slipped past Arjuna's weary eyes as he regarded her. "Did you believe that I refused to let you undergo the chakravyuha training because you aren't Abhimanyu, and I would only have wanted Abhimanyu to be trained in this warfare? Putri, I refused to let it happen not because you aren't Abhimanyu...but because I did not want you to face a similar fate as him. Anything to do with the name 'chakravyuha' still succeeds to dig up the horrid memories of his death, and I cannot bear to re-live them again. Just the mere thought of losing you to a chakravyuha ploy like I had lost Abhimanyu, is more than enough to put an eternal halt to this beating heart."

Mitra shook her head, as she reached out a shaking hand to wipe away the tears that had escaped the eyes of the Drona shishya. The warrior, who was well known by all to be one of the expert handlers of the chakravyuha - now feared its very name. What kind of endless disaster had the battle brought upon them all? It was as if though there would never be liberation from its excruciating aftereffects till one's last breath in this material world.

"No, Baba. Please don't ever think as such. I completely understand your fears and it's more than reasonable. I would never dream of wanting to put you through the pain of re-living brother's death in the war. How could you think that I would ever accuse you of providing more love to him than me? Is that how you see me, Baba?"

Arjuna stared unblinkingly at the beautiful, yet sharp features before him, which spelled out Anga Raj Karna to his desperate eyes that searched endlessly, for at least a trace of Vijaya in them.

"No, my love. How can I see you as such? You are Daanveer Anga Raj Karna's daughter after all. The act of purely giving and loving without expecting any return is one that runs in your very veins."

Mitra stared at her father, unable to comprehend what it was that made him think as such.

"It was insecurity, Mitra. The heart-constricting ropes of insecurity that bind an adoptive parent with absolutely no mercy. My heart, as well, longing to shower paternal love over a child whom I considered my own, was not spared from its binding. After losing just about everything I lived and loved for in the battle, I felt I had no purpose for myself. Yes, I knew my life would be lived for the well-being of the state in helping my brothers run the country, but that was it. I would never again live for myself or my happiness, as I had nothing left to live or be happy for. That was, until I saw you that day by my eldest brother's funeral pyre. That moment was all it took to flip my world on a new axis, my dear. In that splitting moment, I could hear and comprehend the silent words of my soul, now loud and clear, assuring me that I have found the reason for my joy, love and existence. I had again found something eternally precious and worth sacrificing my being to safeguard – the indescribable and unmatchable emotion of fatherhood and daughterly love."

The happiness surging through Mitra's nerves with each utterance of Arjuna's words, began to diminish just as rapidly, as she regarded the tears blurring his sharp eyes and the shaky fingers of the hands that grasped her face.

"The newfound emotion was enchantingly beautiful and heart-filling, yet it also brought with it a costly price. The costly price of insecurity, my love. As complete as I felt in these past four years, I struggled every moment to cope with the fear that I was undeserving of this beautiful love and happiness, which was not meant to be, and I would once again be deprived of it. I couldn't help but fall in love with you, and see you as my own over the years. Yet, as the years slowly went by, and I saw you growing more and more into a splitting image of your father – an unexplainable sense of insecurity gripped my heart. Please don't take me wrong, Mitra. I love my brother. I showed nothing but despise for him during his life. But my love for him developed and lived on past his death, as he was and will always be my brother. But, every time I looked at you, and my desperate eyes searched for a trace of myself in your beautiful features, only to come across Karna in all, fueled my fear. Fear that you would never consider me as much of a father as you consider Karna. Fear that you would leave me to that ever-familiar, mind-numbing solitude I faced on the Kurukshetra land four years back, and go far away beyond my reach."

Mitra's vision blurred as her mind registered the words uttered by Arjuna. The father who provided nothing but unconditional love and joy for her over the past four years, had been living with such a fear all the while? She felt her heart shatter to bits and pieces, as she realized the harsh truth that she had been too occupied with her feelings of insecurity, to ever notice the parallel feeling deeply rooted and growing steadily over the years in another heart beside her.

"Last night, I saw the impact of the fear I've housed in my heart, come to life before my very eyes. The moment you uttered those words and ran out of the sitting room, I felt my entire being numbed and incapable of any reaction. For a moment, I truly believed I had somehow made you feel that I loved Abhimanyu more than you, and that this mistake of mine was going to take you far away from me. For a splitting moment, I felt myself forcefully dragged away from the sitting room amongst you all, four years back, to the dreadful moment by Abhimanyu's lifeless body, where I felt I had nothing to live for," he whispered as his shaking hands dropped from the face of Mitravinda. Arjuna shuddered as a violent chill ran down his spine, as he laid his head back against the headrest and let the hot tears stream freely down his wet cheeks.

He was shaken out of his thoughts, as he felt a tiny hand gently hold his cheek, making him turn his gaze to meet that of Vijaya Nandhini. Mitra regarded him with nothing but pure love, in the form of her teary brown orbs, as she spoke to him in a quiet voice.

"First of all, where will I go leaving you, Baba? Who will I go to? Can you please name me at least one person in this world who loves me or will love me more than you? You were the one who picked up the shattered pieces of this Mitravinda and fixed me back together with your love and care. Without you, I cannot even imagine what I would have become. You are the very reason for my existence now, Baba. How and where will I go running away from the very source of my existence? Just as I had become the joy, love and reason for your existence, you have also become the source of mine. I had told you on the Kurukshetra land itself four years back, and I will say it again, Baba. Madhava is and will always be right. He had said everything happens for the best and for a reason. In the eyes of the Lord, this fatherless daughter and childless father were meant to share this beautiful bond for a lifetime. It was meant to be, and it will continue to be till the end of that time. I love you, Baba," she whispered as she hugged him tightly, snuggling into the warmth and security of his strong arms.

Arjuna gathered his dearest one closer in his embrace, as tears leaked down his stubbled cheek in response to each and every one of the precious pearls of wisdom that escaped her soft lips. How fortunate he must be to have been blessed with this gem, despite all he had faced and committed in his tragic life. He pressed a soft kiss on the top of her head and rested his cheek against it.

Mitra lifted her head off his chest and looked him in the eyes, as she gently cupped his cheek with her hand once again.

"And one more thing!"

Arjuna scrunched his eyebrows together as he regarded the shine in his dear one's eyes.

"What is that?"

"I was born as Daanveer Putri and will always remain so, hence you see Anga Raj Karna in my features. Yet, that does not make me any less a Vijaya Nandhini – as this is and will remain my identity for a lifetime."

The smile, newly bloomed on Arjuna's handsome face, stretched ear to ear with her response. The joy struggling to burst free from his overloaded heart made him euphoric, as he cupped her face between his strong hands and pressed a loving kiss on the tip of her nose.

"And who said you can't see yourself in me, Baba? Look closely at whom I've become post the world's most disastrous battle. Not only you, but this entire world will be able to identify the well-known resemblance in this new identity of mine. The traits and traces of the ever-victorious warrior of the Kuru dynasty – Vijaya himself," she chuckled softly, as she rested her head against the broad chest of the revered protagonist of the Mahabharata epic.

To Be Continued...

And that is Part V of Abhimanyu's Diary - hope you all enjoyed this longer than usual part! Arjuna finally opens up about the insecurity that has gripped his heart post the war. Arjuna was explored well prior to and during the Mahabharata battle, but his emotional state post the war was not explored much by the epic. Many writers have written and started writing their takes on what it could have been like. This is my take on what the hero of the Mahabharata may have faced post his loveable son's death and the most disastrous war this world has ever seen! 

Please do comment your emotions and thoughts about this part, and what you think will be explored in the next part of the chapter - I'd love to hear them! And please do vote if you feel it's worthy :)

I'm so overwhelmed with the support and love DaanveerPutri is receiving so far - especially this Abhimanyu's Diary chapter! I'm so happy to see how many of you are connecting to the deeply tangled emotions of the characters at play in it. Thank you for so much for all your support - it means so much to me! Excited to continue on this beautiful storytelling journey with you all, and see what other joy and surprises come up along the way :)

Loads of love,

Geitha