CHAPTER F I V E

AELARI'S POV

I was expecting to see the reminders left of what happened here in my own home. Pero nang samahan ako ni Bryson nang tanghali na iyon ay walang kahit na sinong makakaisip na ilang oras lang ang nakakaraan ay may nangyaring insidente rito.

My gate is fixed, the generator looks like it's working, my alarm system is fine, and there's a new beautiful coffee table in my living room.

I slept longer than usual in Bryson's very comfortable guest room. Halata rin na siniguro nilang hindi ako magigising dahil maging si Braylene ay nananahimik nang lumabas ako ng kuwarto. When she saw that I'm awake she excitedly gave me my breakfast while maintaining distance from me.

She's a great girl. Kind and so pure. Just like his brother.

"How?"

"Kinausap ko ang management. Liable sila sa nangyari sa iyo. Sila ang basta nagpapasok sa dalawang lalaki na iyon na hindi man nila siniguro kung mapagkakatiwalaan. What happened to you could have happened to anyone. You don't deserve to have a restless night because you're worried that they will come back."

I know they will come back. Hindi ko kayang ipaliwanag kung paano ko iyon natitiyak. Pero may isang parte ng pagkatao ko ang nararamdaman at tila sinisigaw sa akin na kailangan kong maghanda. I never ignore those things... those feelings. I did that before and look where it lead me.

I should know better. I should have listened.

And I should take care of this before it goes out of my control.

"At natapos nila ang lahat ng ganoon kabilis?" tanong ko.

"I also made some calls."

He's giving me space like his sisters does. Magkaharap kami pero malayo siya sa akin. Considerate. That's the right term. That's not something that most people acquired. They may act like they care or that they understand, but they will always choose what's easier for them.

"Hindi mo naman kailangang gawin iyon."

"You wanted to come home. This is the only thing that I can do that will help me sleep peacefully again knowing that you're alone here."

Sa pamamaraan niya ng pagsasalita at sa tingin na binibigay niya sa akin ay may kung anong bagay na tila pumipiga sa puso ko. He cares for me. I'm not blind to see that. Pero iyon na nga eh. Hindi dapat. Hindi tama at hindi ligtas.

This is my fault and the only one that could stop this is me.

He shouldn't care for me and I should stop caring of what he feels for me. Dahil alam ko sa sarili ko kung ano ang nararamdaman ko. Alam ko iyon pero hindi ko iyon pwedeng harapin dahil mas kokomplikado lang ang lahat.

"Salamat sa tulong, Bryson." Pilit na nginitian ko siya. "But I got it from here. Hindi mo na kailangan mag-abala pa sa akin. Ilang beses na kitang naiistorbo."

"Istorbo?"

"I've been a huge inconvenience to you. Isang linggo pa lang tayo magkakilala at ilang beses pa lang tayong nagkausap pero patong-patong na ang utang na loob ko sa'yo. It's safer for us to just go back before anything of this happened. You... you don't really need to do anything for me again. You have your own life and I have mine and I think it's time for me to fix my own problems."

"I didn't complain."

"But you should have. Hindi mo naman problema ang problema ko."

"Gusto ko na tulungan ka."

Kinuyom ko ang mga kamay ko dahil ayokong bigkasin ang mga salitang umiikot sa utak ko. Pero kailangan kung iyon lang ang paraan para hindi na niya ako lapitan pa.

"I want you to stop, Bryson. I appreciate your help but I'm not used to anyone hovering over me. That night that I needed help was one thing but this is a private and different matter. I need to take care of this alone and I really really want you to stop meddling into my business."

He was watching me closely. Too closely that I want to turn my back on him so I could hide. Dahil nagsisinungaling ako. Hindi ko gustong bumalik sa dati. Hindi ko gustong kalimutan kung paanong sa maikling panahon ay nagawa niyang iparamdam sa akin ang bagay na nawawala sa pagkatao sa mahabang panahon.

I want to feel all that. I want to have all that without being scared of what's next. But I don't have that liberty. Wala akong kalayaan na manatili ng matagal sa tabi ng isang tao. I could only watch from a distance but I shouldn't ever try to want it because reality will hurt me just like it is hurting me now.

"You're hiding something from me," he said as a statement, his voice so low that I almost didn't heard him.

"Wala akong tinatago."

"You've been lying and I thought there's a good reason for it. Have you ever been honest with me o ako lang ang nag-akala no'n?"

"Bryson, you don't understand. It's safer this way."

"I thought you're just quiet and shy. Then I learn about your condition. Last night is the proof that someone can touch you. You being evasive about it is another reason. Now I realize maybe you just don't want people in."

Tila may lamig na bumalot sa katawan ko sa mga binitawan niya na salita. He got it all wrong. Pero ano bang pwede kong sabihin para ipaliwanag sa kaniya? Maniniwala ba siya? Most people that knows about me still think that it's something close to a magic trick. Like I'm a unique display or a living proof of a horror movie.

I don't want him to look at me like the way most people in my life did. Ayokong tignan niya ako sa paraan na para bang kailangan niya akong katakutan kahit na alam ko na tama lang iyon. It's safer that way.

Pinigilan ko na magsalita nang talikuran niya ako at dire-diretsong lumabas ng bahay. I walked towards the door to close it at nang magawa ko iyon ay nanghihinang sinandal ko ang noo ko sa malamig na pintuan.

I'm alone and it's okay. I've been alone almost all my life. It's okay because everything will pass. Everything will turn back to normal.

Soon I'll stop dreaming for more. Dahil kung may isang bagay akong sigurado pagdating sa buhay ko ay walang magandang bagay na nagtatagal sa mga kamay ko. Lahat ng gusto ko... lahat ng pangarap ko... lahat iyon ay natutunan kong bitawan dahil iyon ang kailangan ko para manatiling nakatayo.

I'm going to be okay.

I'm going to be okay because I have no other choice.

Inangat ko ang cellphone ko na hawak ko at hinananap ko ang pangalan ng uncle ko sa contacts. On the third ring, he answered the call. Hindi ko na inintay na magsalita pa siya. I know he's been waiting for my call.

"Please tell me Alderidge is not involve with this. I thought we had a deal."

TAGAKTAK ang pawis ko nang tumigil ako sa posisyon na ginagawa ko para lapitan ang laptop ko na nasa center island ng kusina nang biglang tumunog iyon. Iniwan ko lang kasing bukas 'yon habang chinacharge ko iyon.

Kunot ang noo na tinignan ko ang laptop nang makita kong tawag mula sa Skype iyon. Hindi si Bryson iyon at sa halip ay ibang username ang nakasulat. Bryson's name is BryceCastle. This one is ThePrettyValkyrie.

Bukod kay Bryson ay isang tao lang ang nakakaalam ng Skype account ko. Kagagawa lang kasi ng account ko noong araw na nag-aya silang magkapatid na mag-usap doon.

I accepted the call in spite my common sense telling me not to. Kung hindi ko na gustong magkaroon ng involvement kay Bryson dapat pati ang kapatid niya ay maputol ko na ang koneksyon. But when Braylene's smiling face flashed on my mind, I just can't stop myself from answering her call.

"Hi Ate!"

"Hi, Braylene," I said with a forced smile.

"Nag-away ba kayo ni Kuya?"

Hindi talaga nawawala sa kaniya ang pagiging prangka niya pero hindi katulad ng kapatid niya ay parang hindi naman siya galit sa akin.

"Hindi naman sa gano'n."

"Mainit kasi ang ulo niya nang umalis siya kanina. Mamaya nga susunduin ako ng Tita ko sa mother side para sa kanila muna mag stay. Dapat next week pa pero napaaga na dahil aalis daw muna si Kuya para sa work. But I think he's just making excuses. Kada kasi mababanggit kita sa kaniya lagi na lang akong sinusungitan."

"I think... I think I made him angry."

"Sus. Si Kuya pa? Mukha lang laging galit iyon pero hindi naman siya nagagalit talaga. Suplado nga lang. Lalo na kung ikaw ang involve."

"He's really angry at me and he has all the right to be."

"Kung galit siya sa'yo ibig sabihin may pakielam siya. Sa akin lagi siyang nagagalit kasi may pakielam siya sa akin."

"You're his sister."

"At gusto kitang maging sister in law ko."

Napasinghap ako sa sinabi niya dahilan para mapangisi siya. Never in my life na pumasok ang mga salitang iyon sa isip ko. Hindi ko rin kailanman pinangarap iyon dahil alam kong imposible. No one would accept me. Not with the kind of past that I have because of the things that I couldn't possibly stopped.

For years I tried. Kaya nga ginagawa ko ito. Kaya nga ito ang daan na pinili ko dahil alam kong ito lang ang kaya kong magawa para sa mga tao sa paligid ko.

"Ipakita mo kaya kay Kuya na ganiyan ang ayos mo? Sigurado malulusaw ang galit no'n."

Kaagad akong pinamulahan ng mukha sa sinabi niya. I'm just wearing my racerback yoga top and a skintight leggings. Inabot ko ang towelette ko na nakasampay sa isa sa mga high stool at tinakip ko iyon sa sarili ko.

"Seriously, kailangan ko pa ba kayong kausapin parehas para magbati kayo?" tanong ni Braylene.

"I think it's better this way."

"Bakit?"

"For your safety and his."

"Alam mo kagabi ko pa iyan napansin. Parang hindi ka natatakot na may mangyari sa'yo pero natatakot ka na may mangyari sa amin."

"Bray-"

"It's not your responsibility, Ate, to take care of everyone. Hindi pwedeng ikaw na lang lagi ang sumasalo ng lahat. Our mom used to tell us that all of us need to accept help along the way because life is long and tiring. We wouldn't survive without other people. If one would try to take all the burden, isn't it just fair to share it instead of letting one carry it all?"

"Hindi iyon gano'n kadali."

"It's not complicated. Ang nagpapakomplikado lang ay kapag hindi ka nagtitiwala sa iba na kaya nilang tanggapin kung ano ang handa kang ibigay sa kanila."

She's bubbly and easygoing but she's also wise more than what people expect of her. But I wish that what she's saying is an option for me. Kasi paano kung hindi nila maintindihan? Paano kung hindi nila matanggap? Kung ang mga tao nga dapat na mas nakakaintindi sa akin ay pinili akong mapalayo paano pa sila?

"Our mom died of cancer years ago. Si Kuya na ang nag-alaga sa akin mula noon. You know, he's just my half-brother. My father could care less about me and we rather not hear from Kuya's own father who's trying to contact him a few years ago. My father left our mom noong nagkasakit siya habang si Kuya naman ay hindi pa papansinin ng sarili niyang ama kung hindi lang siya kailangan no'n. But Kuya never ask for anyone's help. Si Kuya na ang tumayo na padre de pamilya namin mula noon. Kinaya niya lahat ng mag-isa. I know someday that I'll have my own life and I will need to leave. I want to be independent and create my own achievements like my brother did. Pero hindi ko iyon magagawa kung alam kong maiiwan siya mag-isa. Kuya needs someone to take care of at the same time that I want someone to care for him. Someone that is strong enough to stay beside him."

Strong. That's the word. That's the word that I will never be.

"And someday someone will, Braylene."

Hindi siya kaagad sumagot at sa halip ay nakatingin lang siya sa akin. Pagkaraan ay bumuntong-hininga siya at naiiling habang nagsasalita, "Gusto niyo talagang pahirapan pa ako."

"Bray-"

"Oops nandiyan na ata si Kuya. Narinig ko na ang sasakyan niya."

Kasabay nang pagkatigilan niya ay ang pag-abot sa akin ng tunog ng tila lumalangitngit na sasakyan. Bago ko pa mapigilan ang sarili ko ay tumakbo ako palapit sa pintuan at binuksan ko ang camera sa labas.

That's when I saw it.

May isang itim na sasakyan ang nakaharang sa daraanan ng sasakyan ni Bryson. My eyes widened in fear when I saw three men came out of the other car and without hesitating, they break Bryson's window with the crowbar one of them is holding.

No.

Nanginginig ang mga kamay na tumipa ako sa panel na malapit sa pintuan para mabuksan ko ang gate. "Braylene, call the police and right down their plate number if you could see it."

"Ate saan ka pupunta?!"

"Call them now!"

Nagmamadaling lumabas ako ng bahay at halos manlaki ang ulo ko sa natagpuan kong senaryo sa labas.

Dumudugo ang gilid ng labi ni Bryson na mukhang nanlaban habang ang dalawang lalaki ay pilit siyang tinatayo at hinihila palapit sa isa pang sasakyan. He's conscious and he's trying to dislodge them with a determine look. Tumalsik malapit sa akin ang hawak ng isa na crowbar pero baril na ang sunod na inilabas ng isa pa. I know Bryson's not going without a fight but when he saw me, worry instantly colored his eyes.

"T-The police would be here." I told the men.

"Dali ipasok niyo na 'yan!" sigaw ng driver na nasa loob ng sasakyan.

"Iyong babae-"

"Hindi iyan ang trabaho natin ngayon!"

I feel so helpless. Wala akong magagawa kundi panoorin sila. Who knows what will they do to Bryson? Tahimik ang buhay ng lalaki at ang kapatid niya na nagulo lang mula nang mapunta sila rito. Lugar kung nasaan ako. They should be taking me not him. Ako lang naman ang problema pero bakit pati si Bryson damay? Dahil ba sa ginawa niyang pagsagip sa akin?

Is this another punishment?

I need to do something. I need to do everything para hindi mawala kay Braylene ang nag-iisang tao na natitira sa kaniya. I need to do everything that I could do for Bryson who haven't done anything wrong except help the wrong person.

Ella. Please help me. I need you now.

Alam kong hindi niya ako naririnig. At least not like this. We're rarely co-conscious. But I'm desperate.

"Dalian niyo!"

Kinuha ko ang bakal na kanina ay tumilapon papunta sa direksyon ko at hinawakan ko iyon nang mahigpit.

I'm not going to fight anymore. Take the control, Ella. I'm letting you free. Please. Just save him. Do something.

With my whole body shaking I ran the distance between me and them but instead of hitting them with the crowbar that I'm holding that I know would be useless, I reach for one of the men with my empty hand.

This is my trigger. Touching is the trigger.

I tried my best to control it for years because I don't want to come back again with everything falling apart around me. Ayokong bumalik na may nasaktan na naman ng dahil sa akin. I ruin a life before that's why I tried so hard to be in control. To have the switch.

Ella is different from me. I am weak and scared and alone. Ella is strong, nothing can scare her, and she strive when she's around people. She was an alter and I'm the original host. I'm the one who's broken but I was the one needed to stay.

Ella is chaos and I am the calm. I was the moon and she's the eclipse. I am the victim she's the protector.

"Aelari, go back!"

Naramdaman kong pilit akong inilalayo ng isa sa mga lalaki pero nanatili akong nakahawak sa kanila. I felt their skin touched mine but I didn't shy away from it. I let it because it's what I needed. It's what I fought against last night.

I was in control. I kept myself healthy, focused, and centered. I'm not doing anything of that now. I'm not going to fight the pull.

This time I'm letting go.

So when I felt it come to me... when I felt the weight...

I let it take me down under. Even without the assurance if I will ever resurface.

___________________End of Chapter 5.