CHAPTER O N E

AELARI'S POV

Kung sino man ang nagsabi na hindi naman kind of exercise ang yoga, they can go to hell. I've been doing this for the past hour and a half and I feel like every part of my body wants to die. Yet this is part of my daily routine no matter how much I hate it.

I stop doing the vasisthasana or a side plank variation and then I transferred into a lotus position where my legs are in front of me while my ankles are crossed on the high parts of my legs. Pinagdikit ko ang mga kamay ko sa tapat ng dibdib ko sa akto na para bang magdadasal at huminga ako ng malalim.

It's been a hectic week. I think I'm working more than the hours that I should give for work. I need to stop doing that.

Work is the best distraction for me. Kapag naiinip ako ay trabaho ang napagbabalingan ko. If you make your work as your hobby, it was supposed to be good right? Nag-e-enjoy ka na, kumikita ka pa.

To say that I'm a workaholic is an understatement. Kahit na nga parang minsan gusto ko na lang silaban ang trabaho ko lalo na kapag gustong maging problematic ng mga kliyente ng kompanya kung saan ako nagtatrabaho ay mas pipiliin ko naman iyon kesa sa tahimik kong buhay.

Tahimik at nakakabagot.

It's not like I have a choice. This is for the better.

Ipinilig ko ang ulo ko at nagsimula ulit ako sa breathing exercise ko. Yoga and meditation is pointless kung ang iisipin ko lang ay ang mga bagay na pilit ko ngang inilalagay sa likod ng buhay ko. I learn it from one of my therapies. I'm choosing to let the positive part of me be the front for a huge percentage of my day. That doesn't mean that I'm trying to bury the negative ones. Hindi sa lahat ng pagkakataon kayang matabunan ang mga bagay na pilit mong kinakalimutan. It will always resurface and it will create more havoc.

Focus, Aelari.

I was about to find my center again when the silence were suddenly broken by the shrill sound of my doorbell. Mariing ipinikit ko ang mga mata ko at inunat ko ang mga binti ko. Napapabuntong-hininga na tumayo ako nang sunod-sunod na tumunog ang bell na para bang pinaglalaruan na iyon nang kung sinuman ang nasa labas.

Kunot ang noo na tinawid ko ang malawak na espasyo mula sa living room ng bahay ko papunta sa pintuan. Imbis na buksan ang pintuan ay may pinindot ako sa panel sa tabi ng pinto para magawa kong makita ang taong nasa labas. 4 windows opened on the screen above the panel showing me the outside of the house.

I pressed the intercom. "Yes?"

"Delivery po."

"I'll open the gate. Pakilagay na lang sa lamesa ang package."

"Kailangan pong i-receive bago-"

"Just sign whatever you want on it. Nasa itim na kahon sa lamesa ang tip mo."

Mukhang gusto pang umalma ng lalaki na nakauniporme ng pamilyar na sa akin na courier pero mukhang mas mahalaga sa kaniya ang huli kong sinabi dahil nang bumukas ang gate ko ay pumasok na siya dala ang inorder ko. Binaybay niya ang patarik na distansiya mula sa gate at pagkatapos ay umakyat siya sa ilang baitang na hagdanan sa harapan ng bahay mismo at nakita kong pinatong niya sa lamesa ng patio set ko ang isang may kalakihan ng kahon. Inangat niya pagkaraan ang maliit na glass accessory box na hindi ko na inaalis doon dahil ganito naman ang lagi kong ginagawa at pagkatapos ay nanlalaki ang mga mata na kinuha niya ang tatlong-daan na inilagay ko roon kaninang umaga.

"Pakisarado na lang ang gate," sabi ko.

"Salamat po, Ma'am."

Hindi na ako sumagot at pinanood ko lang siya hanggang sa makalabas na siya ng bahay. Nang makita kong sinarado niya ang pintuan ay muli akong may pinindot sa panel para magawang i-lock iyon.

When I know everything is safe, I opened the main door to get my package. Pasalamat na lang talaga ako na very modern na ang technology ngayon. Sa isang click lang makukuha ko na ang gusto ko. Though some things online could take a week before I receive it ay thankfully may services na rin kung saan pwedeng within the day lang ang processing. Specially if what you order is perishable.

Isa iyon sa dahilan kung bakit ang first project ko mula nang maka-graduate ako sa college ay isang e-commerce mobile app. I design mobile applications.

I buy everything online. From clothes, food, and even basic necessities. I never step foot out of the house. Well except during my "cheat day".

It's not like there's much to do anyways. Lumabas man ako ay wala naman bago kung nandito ako sa bahay. I'm still alone wherever I go because that's the right thing to do. The only reason I go out sometimes is because I want to feel even just a little bit of normalcy.

Dadalin ko na sana sa loob ng bahay ang kahon nang matigilan ako. Mula sa kinatatayuan ko ay tanaw ko ang labas ng bahay kung saan kasalukuyang may mga taong tila nagbababa ng gamit mula sa isang truck.

When I turned eighteen, I moved out of the house I grew up in to live here. That was seven years ago. Sa loob ng pitong taon ko sa lugar na ito ay wala pang tumitira sa bahay ng katapat ng sa akin. This is why I like this place. Bihira ang mga nakatira. Kaya nga ang pinili ko ay ang nasa pinakadulo para matiyak na wala akong magiging kapitbahay. Hindi rin kasi gugustuhin ng mga lilipat dito na kunin ang mga bahay na nasa malayo sa main gate lalo na kung marami namang bakante sa unahan. The houses there has more access to the subdivision's facilities at convenient din dahil mas malapit ang grocery.

Hindi ko naman kailangan pumunta sa mga iyon. I could just buy online and ask them to deliver my purchases in my home. Iyong mga bill naman hindi ko na kailangan bayaran pa sa office when I can pay them online.

Nanatiling nakatayo roon na kunot ang noo na pinanood ko ang mga taong nasa labas. And there at the place that I spent years living quietly alone...

That's when I saw him.

He's probably on his early thirties but there's no way for me to be sure. He walked out of the house as if he's been living there all his life. He's wearing this plain white shirt that doesn't look plain on him, black jeans, and he has a pair of black sunglasses on. There's nothing on him that is out of the ordinary and yet his presence commands the opposite.

Even within the distance I know his far taller than me, he has this rugged look what with his long-ish hair, sharp features, and wide shoulders. Everything about him screams "superior".

He looks like he's not from this time. Like he shouldn't be here because he should be at the era where king's ruled and conquered the land because he would be exactly that; the royal majesty.

Muntik kong mabitawan ang hawak ko nang sa kung paanong paraan ay parang nararamdaman niya ang mga mata kong nakatutok sa kaniya. His gaze went directly to me and in an instant, my whole system scurried into turmoil.

Nagmamadaling pumasok ako ng bahay at dumadagundong ang dibdib na isinarado ko ang pintuan.

What the hell was that?

MUSIC is playing softly around the house while I'm fixing my dinner. Masyado na ngang gabi para ro'n at gusto ko na sanang matulog na lang pero hindi pwede. I still need to drink my medication at night and I shouldn't skip meals.

Nang matapos ako sa ginagawa ay nilagay ko sa center island ng kusina ang plato at pagkatapos ay lumapit ako sa refrigerator para kumuha ng maiinom. I don't have a dining table in my house. The dining area of the house is now converted into an open library.

Pinatong ko ang baso ng tubig sa island at humila ako ng high stool para umupo roon. Nang matiyak kong nasa harapan ko na lahat ang kailangan ko ay inabot ko ang laptop ko na nasa isang tabi at binuksan ko iyon. Multitasking is everything.

I never ran out of ideas when it comes to my work. I designed quite a lot of mobile applications and as of now three of those are on the top most downloaded app in the country. Last year they even made it through the top 10 rank worldwide.

Though my main job is to design the applications, Benveniste & Alderidge Tech. Corp. allows me to develop some of them if I want to. Wala naman kasi akong binuo para sa kompanya na hindi naging maayos ang takbo. They rarely stop me from doing what I want.

Just as long as I comply to the other part of our deal.

I opened my email and browse through the reports that I received about our new app. It's for the RPG game that I designed to run through a VR technology. D I A B LO: Behind The Cursed Ruins is a virtual world that people can explore as if they're physically going out into an adventure kahit na hindi naman nila kakailanganin na umalis ng bahay. It centers around the mission to solve the curse set upon the last heir of the royal family that brought doom to the Kingdom of Alexandrite.

I was going through emails after emails when I suddenly stop when one caught my eyes. Binuksan ko ang mensahe na galing mismo sa HR team ng Benveniste & Alderidge Tech. at pagak na tumawa ako nang makita ko ang nilalaman niyon.

Benveniste & Alderidge Tech's HR team usually don't sent me emails like this. I know they've been brief by the higher officials and to be honest I don't mind that they're excluding me. Pero mukhang sa pagkakataon na ito ay may nagkamaling padalan ako.

I scrolled down and the corner of my lips tipped up when I saw an unfamiliar name. I was right. Bago ang nasa HR ngayon at natitiyak kong kasalukuyan na siyang napapagalitan ng head ng HR. Baka nga nasesante na siya.

I decided to reply to the email.

Dear Ms. Mendez,

I'm afraid I couldn't accept the invitation. Thank you for including me. It's been awhile.

Please tell your supervisor that I only want emails next time coming from you.

Aelari Benveniste.

Hindi nawala ang ngiti sa mga labi ko nang isarado ko na ang laptop at nagsimulang kumain. Naiimagine ko na kung anong itsura ng head ng HR na si Manilyn Roque kapag nakita niya ang ipinadala kong email. Most importantly parang nakikita ko na ang ekspresyon sa mukha ni Rex Alderidge.

Poor Ms. Mendez. I have no doubt that they will fire her because this will not the first time kung sakali. Kaya nga siniguro kong makakatanggap ulit ako ng mensahe mula sa kaniya para malaman kong hindi pa siya tinatanggal.

Benveniste & Alderidge Tech., won't try to stop my decisions. One of the reason is because I'm the daughter of the late Marigold and Henry Benveniste. My parents owned the company with their business partner Rex Alderidge but my parents shares are larger than his. When they died those shares became mine but since I was deemed unfit for the role of managing the whole business, Alderidge became the appointed CEO. May board members din na mga Benveniste at alam kong wala sa mga iyon ang kakampi sa akin. Still, they can't thwart my decisions since technically I have an important part in the company.

Isa pa the last time they fired a person just because she mistakenly invited me into an event caused a huge fight between me and my uncle Johan Benveniste.

As if one invitation could magically transport me in front of them. My family don't want to see me at mas lalong hindi nila ako gustong pumunta sa isang pagsasalo na karamihan ng mga taong dadalo ay tinitingala sila. I'm a walking ticking bomb that they would rather not explode in front of them and their people. Beneviste don't want me to ruin more of our image to Alderidge lalo pa at mga Beneviste ang nagtatago ng buong katotohanan sa CEO ng kompanya dahil hindi man nila ako gusto ay hindi rin nila nais na makuha ni Alderidge lahat. Since I won't give them my shares, I'm their only hope to keep the Beneviste's name in the business.

Mas lalong hindi nila gustong pumunta roon si Ella na may posibilidad na mangyari kapag hinayaan nila akong pumunta roon. Alderidge wanted me to keep far away from the company and that's the deal. My family didn't mind because of the situation we're all trying to hide.

I'm keeping my end of the bargain and they have no choice but to keep theirs too.

Nang matapos akong kumain ay kaagad kong inimis lahat ng mga ginamit ko sa pagluluto. This is one of the tedious household responsibilities that I hate doing but it's not like I can hire someone that will be here in my home 24/7. Before I would let the dishes in a queue in the kitchen but then that would mean I will suffer more if I find the time to clean them up.

Kaya naging panuntunan ko rin ang bagay na iyon. Kung kaya ko namang tapusin ngayong araw bakit ko pa ipagpapabukas? I'll have more time to do what I want when I finish all the things that I needed to do.

After cleaning up, I grabbed my laptop and turned off the lights in the kitchen but I left one lamp open in the living room. Darkness and I were well acquainted a long time ago but it doesn't mean that I wanted to be part of it more than I already am.

I fear the dark because that's all I have for a long time. There's a lot of devastation in the world but if the destruction is inside you, how could you run away from it?

Binuksan ko ang pintuan ng kuwarto ko at pumasok doon. Inilagay ko sa kama ang laptop at napatingin ako sa pintuan ng balkonahe nang makita kong bahagyang nakaawang iyon. I usually eat my breakfast there in the morning kaya siguro ay hindi ko naisarado ng maayos kaninang umaga.

Lumapit ako roon at akmang isasarado ko na nang may mapansin ako. Hinila ko ng kaunti ang sliding door pabukas at sumilip ako sa labas. Katapat kasi mismo ng balkonahe ng kuwarto ko ang bahay sa tapat kaya kitang-kita ko iyon.

Bukas pa ang mga ilaw ng bahay sa tapat pero natatanaw ko ang lalaking nakita ko kanina na nasa balkonahe rin.

He has his laptop open at mukhang seryoso na seryoso siya sa ginagawa.

I wonder what does he do? This neighborhood is not for average incomers. Aware ako na kaya bihira ang kumukuha ng property dito ay dahil sa taas ng presyo ng mga bahay dito. But still the place has a good facility at wala pa namang balita na nagkaroon ng problema sa lugar na ito. If you want to live in a quiet and private property then this place is perfect.

And for people like me? It's safer that I'm here. Not for my sake but for theirs.

I moved back to the room and closed the door. Walang magandang maidudulot ang interes ko sa kahit na sinong tao. Hindi ko naman sila pwedeng lapitan at lalong hindi ako pwedeng makipagkilala sa kanila.

Kasi para ano pa?

I went to the bathroom and showered before I changed into my sleepwear. Nang matapos ay umupo ako sa tapat ng vanity mirror na nasa isang panig ng kuwarto at sinimulan kong suklayin ang mahaba kong buhok. I should cut my hair soon.

I looked at myself in the mirror but I avoid looking at my owns eyes. Natatakot ako sa maaari kong makita roon. Natatakot ako na baka magawa kong masilip ang matagal ko ng pilit ibinabaon sa kaloob-looban ko.

Instead I focused on other parts of me. Hanggang bewang ang itim na itim kong buhok na diretso pa sa ngayon pero alam kong kukulot din kapag natuyo na, my brows are naturally thick and shaped, I have a button nose, and full lips.

Usually when I join the online conference with the my team in Benveniste & Alderidge Tech., I sometimes put make up on. I like to keep everything light and natural. But I remember days that I look in the mirror and saw a different look on me. More bolder... and more sure of myself.

But I rather have this. Despite feeling weak, vulnerable, and despite having those... those nightmares. It's okay as long as I know that I got this. That I still know the person I'm seeing in front of the mirror.

Binaba ko ang suklay at tumayo na ako. Dumako ang tingin ko sa whiteboard na nakadikit sa pader ng kuwarto malapit sa vanity mirror. Kinuha ko ang pambura na nakasabit doon at binura ko ang nakasulat na, "The nightmares are back and I hate myself for it."

Just like always I write another sentence that would counter the one I wrote this morning. This is part of my routine. Kada gumising ako ay sinusulat ko ang unang negatibong bagay na maiisip ko. Before I go to sleep, I erase what I've written and replace it with something good.

It's my way to make myself understand that I could overcome the things that I fear and there's still something to be thankful for. It's not having false positivity but rather it's about trying to remember that my life is not all about the terrors.

At least a part of me that wants to hope.

"I wake up."

______________End of Chapter 1.