forty-nine: to forgive and forget

"So does this mean I'm forgiven?" I ask him later that night after helping him close up the store. We were the only two here now, Niall running the tills while I sit on one of the counters eating some yogurt that I had snagged from the dairy section when Niall wasn't looking. Niall lets out a soft laugh at what I say, shaking his head a little before looking at me.

"I don't really know to be honest. Like, I'm happy you're here and that you apologized... but that doesn't just magically fix the fact that we broke up and that you lied to me..." Niall says quietly, biting his lip as he continues to look at me. I put my yogurt down on the counter, not even hesitating in walking towards him and taking his hands in mine. I smiled a little at how perfectly his hand fit in mine, I never wanted to let it go.

"I know it doesn't and I swear I'm gonna make it up to you... but I can only do that if you let me... I didn't handle the situation right, I said things I didn't mean... I should've told you she was calling me and then instead of reacting the way I did when you found out... I should've been more considerate of your fears and I'm sorry." I say, just as quietly as he did despite the fact that there was no one around to hear us. Niall moves his gaze down to our hands, playing with my fingers as he bites down on his lip but he doesn't say anything. I wasn't sure if it was because he had nothing to say or because he was scared to speak.

"I know it's not going to be easy, that we can't just jump right back where we were, but I love you and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to convince you that we belong together. I made a mistake, a mistake I'll never make again because I've learned my lesson. This past week without you has been one of the worst weeks of my life and I have had some pretty shitty weeks before all of this... but that's not the point... The point is that it's just made me realize how badly I need you in my life, Niall. You're my princess and without you, I'm lost." I continue to speak quietly, giving Niall's hand a tight squeeze which causes Niall to look up at me again. I feel my heart skip a beat when his eyes meet mine, the blue almost overpowering to the point I was scared I'd forgotten how to breathe.

"What can I do to make it up to you?" I ask him when he still doesn't say anything after a few minutes. As much as I enjoyed staring at each other, the silence was starting to gnaw at me. I wanted to know what he was thinking and why he wasn't saying it out loud, but I also knew I wasn't a mind reader and he would tell me whatever it was he chose to say. 

"I don't know how you can, Harry. In a way, I've forgiven you... but in another I'm sitting here thinking that you're gonna do it all over again. I don't think you how self destructive you are... So I feel like if I walk back into this, it's only a matter of time before you do it all again... I love you and I want to believe that we can make this work... but you need to get past this. You need to let go of everything that happened between you and Rose, you need to stop thinking that it's only a matter of time until I do the same thing, you need to accept the fact that you're finally happy and not sit here thinking about all the possible ways it's gonna fall apart. You need to let go and most of all, you gotta stop blaming yourself for her actions." Niall says, keeping my gaze and making sure I'm hearing every word he's saying. I can tell how serious he is about this and maybe he was right. Maybe I was holding onto all that pain, simply covering the surface in hopes that it would all just disappear on its own. It had been well over a year, but the wound still felt fresh every time I heard her name... I yearned for the day that wasn't the case.

It's my turn to sit in silence, thinking of every possible thing I could say but nothing seemed right. He was right, about everything from my self destructive behavior right down to the fact that I was the reason behind my own unhappiness.

I had to let go. I had to let go of all the pain, all the anger, all the distrust if Niall and I were ever going to work. I had to accept the fact that nothing was in my control and I had to be okay with that. It was a total leap of faith, but as I stood there with Niall, I knew it would be worth it.

"You're right... if you and I are ever going to get past this, I have to accept the fact that I'm a complete mess... I have to let you in, I have to give you every part of me... and I'm okay with that. Whatever it takes." I whisper, keeping my eyes locked with Niall as I do so. A soft smile crosses his face and he reaches a hand up to cup my cheek, but he doesn't say anything.

"I love you, Princess." I ended up saying after another minute.

"I love you too."

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Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck, this is.... meh

Oh wellllllll, I'm literally writing this as I'm falling asleep so that's fine

So, there's probably 6 chapters left... Maybe 11. We're gonna see...

qotc: do you guys think Harry will be able to finally move past everything?

Dedication goes to Alexis_StoranHooding

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Connie xx