CHAPTER 3: Heat

"That's it, team. You may go now." Sir Andrei dismissed us.

None of us hesitated to exit the room. We felt so much intimidation inside that we needed the air from the outside. Kahit na may kalakihan ang meeting room na iyon, nagmukhang masikip dahil sa dalawang kliyente. They emit strong and cold aura which will make you tremble in fear the moment you feel it.

Dahil nasa pinakalikod ako pumwesto, I was the first one who got out. Hindi ko na muling tiningnan ang mga tao sa harapan ko at dire-diretso akong lumabas.

Sobrang bilis ng lakad ko. My head is blank and all I was thinking about is to get away from them.

But when I am already in front of the elevator, I stopped and realized something.

"Sila pala muna," mahinang bulong ko sa sarili bago tumabi sa gilid.

The professionals doesn't want me in one compact space, I get it. So I need to adjust myself.

Dapat mauna sila, dapat sila muna.

Ako? Maiiwan ako.

I don't complain and I will never complain to these kinds of things. Kaya nang isa-isa silang naghintayan sa loob ng elevator, hindi ako inaaya at hindi ako pinapansin ay okay lang. Kahit si Pam na busy sa pagse-cellphone ay okay lang. I was never their responsibility in the first place.

To be bothered about me is just a waste of their time.

I waited another five minutes or so until the lift opened again. Agad naman akong pumasok at pinindot ang fifth floor to where the production is. And I also pushed the close button para sumara agad.

But when the doors is almost shut, I saw the reflection of myself and a broad chest behind me. At first, It didn't register in my mind that someone is with me. He's very tall and towering that I almost felt like an ant with his domineering height and body.

"Ground floor," a man with a cold and baritone voice uttered. That's when realizations dawned at me, making my soul almost leave to the good heavens.

Mr. Volkov!

Tangina, kailan pa siya nandito? Bakit hindi ko man lang siya naramdaman kanina? Masyado bang occupied ang isip ko kaya miski ang pagpasok niya sa loob ay hindi ko napansin?

Fuck! Kung sino pa iyong gusto kong iwasan, siya pa talaga iyong sumama sa 'kin dito! Sana si Sir Andrei nalang or kahit sana ako nalang mag-isa.

Gamit ang nanginginig na kamay, I pushed the ground floor. Hindi nalang ako nagsalita dahil parang nabara yata ang lalamunan ko. I can feel his body heat behind me with this elevator that can carry atleast ten people inside, he seems very close.

Ramdam na ramdam ko siya sa likod, even the sound of his breathing and the sound of my hammering chest is very audible to the point that I accidentally glanced in his reflection. Aksidente ko lang siyang natingnan pero agad kong nahuli ang kulay kape niyang mata na tila kanina pa ako tinititigan. Agad naman ako umiwas ng tingin at yumuko.

This fucking elevator works very slow! Bakit ang bagal?

Gusto ko nang lumabas!

"You're trembling," bigla siyang nagsalita sa gitna ng katahimikan na halos nagpalabas ng puso ko sa gulat.

And shit, I was trying to compose myself to hide my nervousness pero mukhang napansin niya pa.

I cleared my throat and chuckled a little, "My body feels cold, sir," saad ko.

"Hm?" he sounded like he doesn't believe me.

Mula sa repleksyon niya sa harapan, I saw him suddenly move his body towards me. Closing in the space left between us. It's very close to the point that the heat of his chest down to his legs are felt from my behind! God!

"M-Mr. Volkov—"

My voice was cut off when he placed his left hand on the elevator's door, in front of me to lock me in one place. I can feel my breathing hitched as he lowered his head behind my ear.

His warm breath and a scent of expensive manly perfume welcomed my nose. He smells of expensive sandalwood and my eyes automatically shut firmly to contain it.

I then felt him whisper in my ear, "Cold huh? You seem scared," he taunted.

Sobrang lapit niya sa 'kin. The air feels almost tight that I might choke to where I'm standing. My body also feels very light that I wanted to just melt down and never stand back anymore. He's giving me these kinds of feelings in which I couldn't understand.

He's our client and I'm an employee.

He doesn't know me and I don't know him as well.

So, we shouldn't be this close, in this kind of position... right?

"I-I'm not scared." I tried to defend myself but my voice hanged in the middle.

Hindi ko na nadugtungan ang sasabihin dahil natigil ako nang makita ko siya. He's looking at me intently, very intense that his brows furrowed a little.

He looks dissatisfied with that answer.

"You should be," he sounded so dangerous that my confidence vanished in thin air.

Ang kanan niyang kamay ay kinuha ang ilang hibla ng buhok na humaharang sa kanang bahagi ng mukha ko. Exposing my grotesque figure, his eyes shimmered. It flickered in his own reflection looking amused. Dahan-dahan niyang inilapit ang buhok ko sa kanyang ilong at unti-unting inamoy. He smelled it while looking at me. And then from that, I saw something in his eyes.

There was something in his eyes that I'm not sure of. It's very evident that he wants me to see it.

Madness.

Danger echoes in his own reflection inside this four-sided room. He stared at me while hiding the half of his face behind my hair. Ang makakapal niyang kilay at nakakatakot na tingin ay siyang halos magpawala ng ulirat ko.

"Mr. Volkov—" my voice almost sounded as a plea.

I can't understand what's going on!

He leaned again, very close that is almost kissing my earlobe.

"Anastasia..." he mumbled my name which made me more tremble.

"Stop hiding your pretty little secret," he whispered huskily.

The moment he said that, the doors finally opened. Hindi na ako nag atubiling tumakbo palabas. I even saw him smirking and standing straight while his hands slid inside his pockets. My eyes watered out of fear and nervousness.

Narinig ko siya. Narinig ko iyong sinabi niya.

What kind of secret does he know?

Fucking shit, I need to get out of here!

I'm having a hard time collecting myself altogether after that. Sobrang bilis ng lakad ko papasok ng production floor. Ni hindi ko man lang namalayan na muntik na pala ako mabunggo kay Pam na kanina pa pala nakatayo sa gitna ng office.

"Gosh, girl. Careful, an'yare sayo?" agad nitong tanong nang makaiwas.

Kinagat ko ang ibabang labi at dumiretso sa desk ko. My heart is beating out loud for pete's sake, I can't calm down!

Ang temperature dito sa loob ay parang wala lang dahil pinagpapawisan ako sa kaba. My body is so tensed up that my guts will blow out if I cannot control it.

"Shit," mahinang bulong ko sa sarili at pilit na kumakalma.

"Hey, Tash. Okay ka lang? You look like you've been in a marathon, dear." Lumapit si Pam sa 'kin.

I just breathed a big sigh and smiled to her.

"I'm fine, thank you. Sobrang lamig kasi,"

"You sure? Don't mind what happened inside the meeting room. It's normal you know, first time mo kaya ganiyan," she said while pulling her swivel chair to sit down.

Hindi ko alam kung anong sasabihin ko. Pam doesn't know that I had an interaction with one of our clients inside the fucking elevator.

"U-Uhm... can I request for an early out?" I quietly asked.

It's been just barely a week and yet, I'm already asking for a half day. Nakakahiya at sobrang unprofessional for an intern like me who has upcoming board exams.

Commitment is a must in this kind of field.

Sobrang nakakahiya ka, Anastasia!

"I guess, you're not really feeling well? Have you tried going to the clinic? Well, I can send ticket to the workforce, Tash. If you really need it," Pam offered while looking at her laptop.

"Yes please, kailangan ko lang talagang umuwi."

"Right, I'll just notify Sir Andrei. Gusto mo i-book kita ng grab?"

Agad akong umiling. "No need, commute nalang ako. Kaya ko pa naman."

Pinalipas ko muna ang halos isang oras bago nagsimulang magligpit para umuwi. Sir Andrei also approved my early out kaya kahit nakakahiya man, gumayak pa rin ako.

It took me an hour and a half again until I got home. When I finally entered my house, comfort slowly hugged my whole body. Telling me that I'm already in my safe zone—on my favorite haven. This feeling is what I'm always waiting for, to lie down in my bed, alone and never thinking of anything else but sleep and peace of mind.

But right now, even if comfort tells me that I should be alright, it seems that my mind is in a bit of opposition.

"He knows my secret," bulong ko sa sarili at tarantang nagpabalik-balik sa kusina.

Sobrang sama ng pakiramdam ko, ramdam ko agad ang init sa katawan at mukhang may sinat na yata. This is what happens to me whenever I panic so bad. My body feels warm and weak, it's probably because I lost some energy for taking too much worries. Ang dami kong iniisip at kinakabahan ako ng sobra.

Just because of that stupid secret! Fuck!

Anong alam niya? Anong sekreto ko ang alam niya?

I'm shaking right now and all I can think of is getting rid of it.

Right, I'm gonna get rid of my secret!

Dali-dali akong umakyat sa kwarto at kinuha ang maliit kong salamin. I looked at myself and I saw that horrifying grosteque figure again. Kung hindi lang ako nasanay sa ganitong itsura, baka siguro nasuka na rin ako tulad ng ibang tao. I always understand their fears of seeing my face, it's never really a question for me to doubt it.

With shaking hands, I slowly traced my face, simula sa noo pababa hanggang sa pisngi.

"This..." I stared at myself.

"Is this what you want me to stop hiding?" I told myself in front of the mirror.

Those parts that my hands gracefully touched. My drowsy eyes, my worn-out eyebrows, burned and unevenly calloused skin. My monster face as what they call it...

Those parts slowly turned to what they used to be, to what they originally looked like. Bit by bit, it magically transformed into something. Just with the touch of my fingertips, my face suddenly came back to normal, na para bang make-up lang na binura at ginamitan ng remover.

Came back to normal... Huh, funny.

It's beyond everyone's belief, my belief.

Whenever this happens, I feel shit. This isn't some fairytale or a blessing. This is my nightmare—my own curse.

Right now, I can see my beautiful reflection in front of the mirror. I have distinctly soft features. Faultless and upright details. My brows is in straight shape making me look like innocent and fragile. I have almond-shaped eyes and small pointed nose. My lips are in perfect plum shape and reddish to the point that I don't need to wear tint anymore. My freckles were only visible if directed to sun rays. My cheeks are very sensitive, it turns pink easily for soft touches or heat. I also have small heart-shaped face that compliments my whole feature. And my long golden hair that has been dyed black, it has natural waves beneath that bounces whenever I move.

The most ludicrous part of all of this is the fact that I was born with this kind of eyes—mystical orbs as what I call it. And it seems to always glimmer with rainbow colors, with multiple colors.

I can see my eyes angered at the sight of my own image. I cannot fathom the face that I was born with.

Because this... this is what I originally looks like whenever I heal myself.

And yes, you read it right.

I can fucking heal myself like some goddamn sorcery!

My grip slowly tightens to the mirror's handle, there's the feeling of urge to puke.

"I'm gonna get rid of it," sambit ko sa sarili.

Bumaba ako dala-dala ang salamin sa kamay. This should never happen in the first place. Dahil lang sa sinabi ng lalaking iyon kaya aksidente ko na namang nagawa ang hindi ko na dapat ginawa pa.

I should never use this ability of mine, ever again. I promised myself that I will live as a normal person and I will die as a common individual. Ang pagpapagaling ko sa sarili ay isang malaking sampal sa akin para sabihin na hindi ako nabibilang sa mundong ito—na hindi ako isang normal lang.

Kinuha ko ang isang maliit na kawali at tarantang sinindihan ang kalan.

"Fifteen minutes pa," mahinang bulong ko.

Sobrang higpit ng hawak ko sa salamin. Slowly, I can feel my body calm down because of the forthcoming thought. The fire and the heating pan, ang mga bagay na ito lamang ang napapakalma sa akin. This is making me sane and lucid. This is making me think straight and choose the right choices.

Nang makita kong umuusok na ang buong kawali ay dahan-dahan ko itong inalis sa kalan at iniangat.

The back of the pan leveled my sight. It neared my face for about an inch and the smoke coming out to its stainless steel made me shut my eyes firmly.

From that, I began to catch a big sigh, and held my breath.

"A-Ah..." my voice cracked when I felt the heat leisurely spread across the right part of my face.

Tears started to roll down my cheeks. I heard some faint sizzles as it burned through the layers of my skin.

Sobrang sakit at sobrang hapdi, tiniis ko ang lahat ng iyon sa kagustuhang masira ang mukha. You may call me mad or crazy. You may say that I'm out of my mind and deranged. But I will repeat this, over again when I have to.

I will destroy this face every time it heals.

"Fifteen minutes, Anastasia," nanghihinang bulong ko sa sarili.

The solid back of the pan rigidly rested on my face. And when I feel that it's already time to take it out, I removed it. Inilayo ko ang kawali sa mukha at dahil sa panginginig ng kamay dulot ng pagkabigla at sakit ay nabitawan ko ito kasama ng salamin.

My tears feels as if I am being singed again. Mas lalong humahapdi ang kanang bahagi ng mukha ko dahil sa mga luhang kumakawala. I bowed my head in attempt to wipe it out using my blouse. But my eyes accidentally landed on the mirror.

And there, I saw my grosteque figure again.

Fresh and newly-burnt.

I smiled.