Disclaimer: all characters (apart from Philip and Grace), settings and the main plot belong to the amazing Cassandra Clare. Only Grace, Philip and my own story plot and sub-plots belong to me. I do not own the Infernal Devices no matter how much I wish I did ;)
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'Don't be so hard on yourself, no
Learn to forgive, learn to let go
Everyone trips, everyone falls
So don't be so hard on yourself, no
'Cause I'm just tired of marching on my own
Kind of frail, I feel it in my bones
Oh let my heart, my heart turn into stone
So don't be so hard on yourself, no.'

- Don't Be So Hard On Yourself, Jess Glynne

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-*-*-*-*- Grace -*-*-*-*-

"Jem?" Grace said, laying next to him on the covers and staring up at the ceiling. She had got back to the Institute a few hours ago after saying goodbye to Philip. Jem knew what had happened, but he didn't comment. If she was honest with herself, the silence was the best thing for her right then. The company of her brother was all she needed.

Her brother turned his head slowly towards her across the pillow. His eyelids were as blue as bruises and half closed.

"Yeah?" he whispered. His voice was so fragile, so weak. She bit her lip but continued.

"Are you scared?" she asked quietly. "Are you scared to- to die? To move on? Are you afraid to leave this world behind?" Jem sighed so softly that Grace could have mistaken it for a normal breath.

"Of course I'm scared," Jem said. "But not for myself. I fear for Will and Tessa, and for you. I'm scared for all of you, but not for myself."

"So you are not scared to die?" Jem laughed softly, a sound that filled Grace with hope. There was life in him yet. There was something for her to hold onto.

"No," he said. "I lost my fear of death a long time ago." He swallowed, clearing his throat. Grace clutched the sheets beneath her fingers, thinking that Jem might burst into a coughing fit, but he didn't.

"Why are you asking this, Grace?" Jem said. "You already know the answers. I have told you often enough."

"I'm scared," she said, looking away. "I'm terrified." Jem's hand slid across the coverlet, gripping her fingers.

"I know you're scared," Jem said gently. "I know you are. And I wish I could take that fear from you. I would if I could. But Grace, it will not be goodbye, not really. I will see you again in the next life. You and me, we are inseparable. Not even death can part us forever. Whatever happens, we will meet again with mother and father, and Will and Tessa, and Charlotte and Henry. We will be together again." Grace didn't answer.

"Just promise me one thing, Gracey," Jem said, yawning. He's exhausted, Grace thought, and it is because he is holding on for me.

"Anything," she replied, squeezing his hand.

"Promise me you'll carry on after I'm gone," he murmured. "There's so much more you're meant to do in this world, so much good. Promise me you will not hide yourself away. You have to keep fighting, keep pushing on. So many people depend on you."

"I won't let Yanluo go free, if that's what you mean," Grace said. "I will not let my grief for you become a window of opportunity for it. I promise you that."

"That's not what I'm asking of you," Jem said, his eyes fluttering. Before long, he was fast asleep. Grace sighed. She knew what Jem was asking. She sat up slowly so she didn't wake him and dropped a kiss on his forehead. Then she walked to the door, closing it softly behind him.

***

"How is he?" Charlotte asked, standing from her seat as Grace entered the library. Grace flopped into a chair and put her head in her hands.

"Weak," she said, her reply muffled. "He's asleep now." Charlotte hurried across the room.

"I shall go and sit with him," she said.

"Charlotte," Grace called out before she could leave. She felt like a child but she couldn't help it. The Head of the Institute turned to face her. "Am I doing the right thing?"

"What do you mean, Grace?" Charlotte asked. She glided to Grace and laid a hand on her shoulder.

"Jem asked me a few days ago that when the time came, I'd let him go," Grace whispered. "I'm not letting him go, and I don't know if that is right."

"Oh Grace," Charlotte said, sinking down into a chair beside her. "Is this what you're worried about?"

"I don't know what to do," Grace said. "He's suffering so much. He's trying to hide it but every time my crystal flashes green, it gets brighter and brighter. I'm so conflicted. More than anything I want him to be free of all the pain, but I can't lose him either. I don't know what to do." Charlotte pursed her lips.

"One can never know if they are doing the right thing," she finally said. "At least, not until the time has passed by. But you love your brother, Grace, and that should be enough for you to know when to let him go." Grace nodded but didn't say anything, just put her head in her hands.

-*-*-*-*- Will -*-*-*-*-

Will stood on top of the hill whilst Balios grazed on the fresh grass. It hadn't taken him long to get out of London but now that he had, he felt a strange sort of freedom combined with a great strain. His distance from Jem worried him but he was glad to be out in the fresh air. His emotions were so jumbled that he could no longer figure out exactly what he was feeling anymore.

"Come, Balios," Will said softly, patting his horse's neck gently. He pulled himself back onto the saddle and flicked the reins, galloping off again into the country.

That night, when he had found himself an inn to stay at, Will awoke from a nightmare that made his heart wrench. It was about Jem and Tessa and Grace. They were calling out for him, screaming for help as automatons raced towards them. Yet, Will had done nothing but watch as they were cut down by Mortmain's metal monsters.

He had awoken, sweating and his heart hammering. He knew in his heart that he would never become the person that he feared he was when he thought his curse was upon him, but even now that old fear pursued him still.

Will stood from his bed and  padded to the window seat where he watched the rain fall, wondering if Tessa was doing the same out of the carriage that had kidnapped her.

-*-*-*-*- Charlotte -*-*-*-*-

When Charlotte pushed the door open to Jem's room a few hours after her conversation with Grace, she found him sitting up and talking with Sophie. Sophie looked slightly awkward, her hands twisted together on her lap, but Jem looked calm, even contented. She thought it strange, but didn't linger on the thought long. Better for him to be calm than agitated.

"Jem," Charlotte said, a smile coming to her face. "I'm so glad that you're awake." Jem smiled back.

"Sophie, could you please help Gideon in the library?" Charlotte asked her maid and Sophie nodded gratefully, gathering her skirts and hurrying from the room. She gave one last look at Jem, which puzzled Charlotte, before leaving.

Charlotte crossed the room to the bedside table and lifted the box which contained Jem's yin fen. A small pile of powder lay at the bottom. She pursed her lips but swallowed hard, tipping the remainder of the drug into a glass of water and passing it to Jem. He looked down at the dissolving powder, a look of sadness passing over his face.

"Is this the last of it then?" he asked. Charlotte couldn't bring herself to say anything as Jem downed the water with a quick gulp.

"You mustn't give up, Jem," she said, sitting in the armchair where Sophie had just left. "Everyone is looking for a cure. Magnus and Henry are working in the crypt. Gabriel and Cecily are out looking for ingredients for a spell. Gideon and Sophie are researching everything they can in the library. If there is something, we will find it." Jem's lips parted in surprise.

"I did not realise," he said.

"Of course we would do anything we could," Charlotte said. "You are part of our family, Jem." A ghost of a smile passed over Jem's lips.

"Charlotte?" he asked. He sounded like the child he was when he first came to England, and it tugged at her heart.

"Yes?"

"Have you won the fight over what to call your child yet?" Despite everything, Charlotte laughed.

"No, not yet," she said. "Henry is insisting on Buford but I cannot not stand to call my child that."

"You'll win, you always do," Jem said, a confidence in his voice that Charlotte wished she had. "You carry with you one of my few regrets. I would have liked to have seen the baby." Tears started slipping down her face at the words. It was such a simple thing to say, and yet so powerful that Charlotte didn't think she would ever recover from it.

"Oh Jem..."

"Charlotte," Jem continued. "You have always been like an older sister to me. You have looked after me all these years, and I know you will take care of this baby. You'll be the most wonderful mother." He took a deep, rattling breath. "But there is one last thing I need you to do for me. It will be difficult, but it must be done."

"What is it?" she asked. As Jem explained what he wanted her to do, the blood drained from Charlotte's face. She couldn't believe that he wanted this. It just wasn't possible. She had never thought that Jem would truly consider what he was proposing.

"Jem, you can't ask this of me," she protested, asking her head. "You can't."

"Of anyone else, I couldn't," he said, reaching for Charlotte's hand. "But I know you'll see that this is the right thing to do. I know that it seems wrong, but for her sake, it's the only way."

"But if you feel this way, then you must tell-"

"I can't," Jem interrupted. "I can't tell her. She'll only try and stop me. If I am to have any chance at saving her, this is the only way."

"It will rip her apart, Jem," Charlotte whispered. "She won't recover, and you could make things worse."

"Not entirely," Jem said. "She's strong, and brave. I'll take whatever I can get to save her. It's the best of two evils. Just promise that you'll do as I ask." Charlotte hesitated.

"Please, Charlotte," Jem begged. "This is the only way." Charlotte closed her eyes for a second and took a deep breath. What she was about to promise could be disastrous. But she couldn't deny Jem. Not when he was begging her.

"I promise."

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Hi guys!

Sorry for the late update but my teachers decided to be horrible this week and give me 6 essays in two weeks. 6! So every time I went  back to writing I got given another essay. I am scarred but I'm back now!

So what did you think of this one?

Any ideas on what Jem wants Charlotte to do? I'll give you a hint: it isn't just what happened in the book.

So next chapter will be emotional so grab some tissues and a blanket. There will be tears.

So don't forget to vote and comment as usual guys!

Love y'all!

CricketCat