Disclaimer: all settings, characters (apart from Philip and Grace) and the main story plot belong to the magnificent Cassandra Clare. Grace, Philip, and my own story plot belong to me. I sadly do not own the Infernal Devices.

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'If I lose myself tonight
It'll be you and I
Lose myself tonight.'

- If I Lose Myself, OneRepublic

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-*-*-*-*- Tessa -*-*-*-*-

"Jem did what?"  Will asked, his voice nearing shrill.

"I'm sure he didn't mean to try and kill me," Philip said a little sheepishly. "He was under a lot of stress." They had sat Philip down in an armchair by the fire while they clustered around him. Tessa felt a little sorry for him; he looked extremely uncomfortable.

"And why didn't you tell us?" Charlotte demanded.

"Because who were you more likely to believe?" Philip pointed out. "The person who betrayed you? Or someone like Jem? I think you'd be more inclined to believe Jem."

"Are you saying he would have lied to us?" Will said angrily.

"Maybe, if he was embarrassed," Philip said with a shrug. "But why have you summoned me?"

"We need to wake Grace up if we're going to save Jem," Tessa said. Philip looked at her.

"Why can't you work out where he went from his note?"

"We don't know where he went," Will said through gritted teeth. "And don't act all superior. It's not like you know either." Tessa shot him a look but he ignored her. She feel the tension rolling off his body in waves as he paced the floor. Tessa knew that he wanted to be out there right now, looking for Jem. He had already tried a tracking rune but for some reason, he couldn't see anything. She could tell Will was scared, but he did a good job at hiding it.

Philip sighed. "I just wish you had listened to me before, but I can see why you didn't," he said. He turned to Tessa. "The way to wake Grace is you, Miss Gray."

"Me?" Tessa asked, shocked. "What can I do?" Philip explained to them that if Tessa Changed into Grace, she would be able to touch her thoughts and help her escape.

"Can you guarantee that Tessa would be safe?" Charlotte asked. "Something like what you are proposing...it sounds rather risky."

"There is a risk," Philip said. "And not a small one at that. Miss Gray, you would have to fight off not only a demon but also Grace herself. I have trained Grace for years to keep out unwanted visitors from her mind. She might interpret you as an enemy."

"I thought you said you didn't know what you were doing," Will muttered.

"Anyone can train anyone for metal toughness," Philip said, his cheeks reddening.

"Tessa, you can't do this," Charlotte pleaded. "It's too dangerous. If this doesn't work, you could be stuck in Grace's mind forever, facing whatever she is facing." Tessa licked her lips. Grace didn't like her very much, that was apparent. But when Tessa held her hand in the Sanctuary, she felt nothing but sadness and remorse. Deep down, maybe she didn't hate her. Maybe she was just like Will.

"Will?" she asked, her voice raw. "What do you think?" Will stopped pacing and looked at her, his blue eyes so piercing. His face was grave and as blank as stone.

"Boadicea," was all he said. Tessa nodded.

"I'll do it," she said. "I promised Grace I'd look out for Jem, and I've failed. I'll help her, despite the risks. Besides, if I do get trapped, at least she won't be alone anymore."

"Assuming you make it alive," Will muttered.

"Will, that's not helping," Charlotte said, rubbing her temples. She glanced at Tessa but didn't say anything.

"How are we going to get Grace out of the Silent City?" Will asked as he resumed pacing. "Consul Wayland has given an order. No one can see her without his permission, least of all us."

"It's quite simple, really," Philip said, leaning forward. "You hand me over. Charlotte, you and Henry take me to Brother Enoch while Will grabs Grace at the same time. A distraction." Charlotte looked to Will who shrugged.

"It's not a bad plan," he said. "But you'll be questioned. In fact, they'll probably strip your Marks." Philip looked down.

"I know," he said. "But I'm willing to do anything for Grace." Will stared at him long and hard. Tessa swallowed. There was something very scary about Will when he was like this. For a few seconds, nobody moved an inch.

"Fine," Will said. "We better go now. We've got no time to lose."

***

Tessa insisted on accompanying the others despite their protests. Sophie hurriedly helped her ready herself before rushing her down the hall. Will was already by the carriage. He helped her inside then hopped up the steps himself. Charlotte and Henry joined them a few minutes later with Philip, his hand tied together.

"So, we'll distract Brother Enoch while Will goes and gets Grace," Henry said as Cyril set the carriage in motion. "This is rather exciting, don't you think? I doubt anyone has ever done this to the Silent Brothers."

"Do calm down, Henry dear," Charlotte said, her gaze fixed out of the window. She obviously didn't want to talk to anyone. Tessa looked to Philip who was very pale under Will's menacing gaze. Impulsively, Tessa reached out a hand and laid it on Will's arm. Will flinched and looked away, exactly what she had intended.

"Are you all right?" Tessa asked Philip. Philip laughed a little.

"One is never all right when one goes to the Silent City as a prisoner," he said. He looked down at his bound hands, his voice lowering. "Especially when one knows the fate that awaits him."

"What exactly is the stripping of a Shadowhunter's Marks?" Tessa inquired. Philip didn't answer so Will did.

"It's in the name, Tessa," he sighed. "They remove your Marks from your skin, an extremely painful procedure. They-" Something caught in his voice. "They wanted to do it to Grace at one point; it would have killed her. Jem fought so hard to keep her alive. In the end, they decided that it was too much of a risk if Yanluo escaped."

"There is no greater shame than to cease being a Shadowhunter," Philip said. "But it's what I deserve."

"Well, for what it's worth," Tessa said. "I forgive you. I don't think anyone would willingly do this if they didn't truly love the person they are doing it for." She felt Will tense beside her.

"Thank you," Philip whispered as they drew up to the gates. Charlotte opened the carriage door and stepped down, followed by Henry.

"Stay here," Will said quietly to her. "I'll be right back." He took Philip by his coat and lobbed him from the carriage, making Tessa squeak. She sat in the carriage as Brother Enoch greeted the Shadowhunters with Philip in tow. They then disappeared into the City, Will not acting as he pushed Philip down the stairs. Tessa waited for ten minutes, her heart slamming against her chest.

What if they got caught? The Silent Brothers could read minds after all. What would happen to them? God, what would happen to Jem? Tessa swallowed hard. It was all her fault. She had exercised no restraint when Jem kissed her a couple of nights ago. He was so lost and broken, angry at Will, mourning for Grace and so confused about herself. Had she lead him on? Did he really love her? Did she really love him? It was like he was cracking under it all and last night, he had just shattered.

Suddenly, Will came running up the steps with Grace in his arms, her long dark hair flying as he ran. Will gently placed her gently in the carriage and jumped up afterwards. Tessa held Grace's head on her lap, keeping her still.

"Go, Cyril!" Will shouted.

"But what about Charlotte and Henry?" Tessa asked.

"Cyril will come back for them," Will said as the carriage was set into motion. Tessa looked down at Grace. She was fitful, her skin pale and her breathing ragged.

"She's so much worse than last time," Will whispered. "Maybe this is all my fault. I triggered something."

"She would have got worse anyway, Will," Tessa said quietly. "This is not your fault. Not Grace, not Jem, not any of it."

"I should have known something like this would have happened," he said angrily. "We both saw that it was tearing him apart. I just didn't think Jem would do something like this. He never had much of a temper. He was never the one with a thirst for revenge. How could I have been so blind? He's my parabatai, my brother. He- he must have thought he was suffering alone."

"Will-"

"You were right, Tessa," he said. "He thought I didn't care about him or Grace, that's why he didn't ask me to come with him. He thought I had abandoned him...and maybe I did."

"You didn't abandon him Will," Tessa said, placing a hand on Will's. "It's not in your nature to abandon someone in need. You saved me, remember? A girl you hardly knew and one who attacked you with a vase at that. But you didn't abandon me, just like you haven't abandoned Jem." He looked up, startled.

"Tess," he said rapidly. "You don't have to do this. You owe us nothing. If- If something happens to you I would-" Will broke off, biting his lip and looking away. You would what, Will?  Tessa thought. She remembered the balcony at Benedict's ball. Was that Will, or just the faerie powders? 

"Will," she said instead, firmly. "I have made my decision. This is for Jem as well as Grace. I don't think I could live with myself if I knew I could help but didn't do anything." Will reached out and stroked her cheek, a gesture which made Tessa shiver and gasp.

"I never said thank you," he said.

"For what?" Tessa breathed. He didn't answer. "This sounds awfully like you're saying goodbye, Will." The looked he gave her then shattered her heart. He looked more fragile than she'd ever seen him, more delicate and broken than she'd ever seen anyone, even Jem.

"I just can't lose any more of my family," he said as they drew up to the Institute. "And tonight, there's a chance I could lose all the family I've got left."

***
"Last chance to change your mind, Tessa," Will said, handing her Grace's crystal. They were standing in Grace's bedroom after placing her on the bed. Her dark hair was spread over the pillows and, despite her deep slumber, dark shadows hollowed out her eyes. In a way, she looked like a vampire, pale skin against dark hair. Tessa shuddered at the thought. 

"I'm not changing my mind, Will," Tessa said. "Should we wait for Charlotte and Henry?" Will shook his head.

"It's best you have as much time as possible," he said. "Tess, when you Changed, you have to make sure you don't fall for anything. Yanluo will try to trick you. He'll do anything, say anything. You can't fall for any of it. And that's the easy part."

"The hard part is convincing Grace Carstairs," Tessa said with a small smile. "Piece of cake." Will's hand tightened on her arm.

"Will, you have to promise me something," Tessa said.

"Anything," Will replied.

"Don't go after Jem on your own," she said. "Charlotte needs you here. If you get yourself captured too..." Will pressed his lips together.

"If you can't convince her in twenty-four hours," he said. "I'll have to find him on my own. Deal?" Tessa nodded.

"Deal."  She closed her fist around the crystal and reached for the small flickering light that represented Grace. As soon as she touched it, it exploded into red fire and sparks. Somewhere in the distance, she heard herself scream and Will shouting her name, his arms around her.

The flaming spiral that was Yanluo seemed to screech at her. It roared as it swirled. Tessa could see a small, blue orb fighting back in the centre, lashing out with silvery energy to beat back the fire but to no avail.

Grace.

Tessa circled the two conflicting elements, looking for a way in. She had to get to the center. Both Yanluo and Grace were locked in battle, struggling for control. This was the ultimate battle of wills. Soon, she found a way in.

Like a dark abyss, there was a gap in Yanluo's fire. It looked like a puncture hole, like something had battled it's way in before. Tessa took a deep breath...then launched forward. The fire scorched her skin and the roaring rattled her ear drums but she persisted. There was an almighty screech then-

Tessa jerked awake, jumping to her feet. She looked around her, expecting to find herself in Grace's room back in London but she was somewhere else entirely. She was herself again, dressed in her own clothes. The room she was in was a drawing room, decorated with jade statues and oriental pieces. 

Creeping slowly towards the door, Tessa slipped through it and into a hallway. The carpet, the walls, and even the paintings reminded her of the London Institute. She trod lightly, trying not to make a sound.

Where was she? Was this where Grace was? Everything seemed so real. What kind of dream was this?

Suddenly, a dark shadow rose up behind her. Tessa screamed and ran down the corridors as fast as she could in her heavy dress. The creature howled and moaned, pounding it's way after her. Tessa's heart was thudding painfully. What had she landed herself in?

As she turned a corner, a hand shot out and grabbed her, yanking her through another door. Tessa shrieked but another hand clamped over her mouth. The person pinned her to the wall, keeping her very still. Tessa opened her eyes.

"Ghmph?" she said, her voice muffled.

"Shh!" Grace whispered furiously. They both went very still as the creature slunk towards the door. Tessa watched as Grace slid her hand to a dagger on her belt, slowly and silently drawing it. For ten agonizingly long seconds, the creature stayed still. Tessa could hear it's growl and the scraping of it's claws. Grace kept her gaze fixed on the door, poised to spring if it came to a fight. Then finally, the creature gave up and moved on, flying down the corridor.

"Grace," Tessa said, sighing with relief as Grace removed her hand. "God, I thought-" But Grace brought the knife towards her.

"You have three seconds to prove to me that you are really Tessa Gray," she said, her voice hard and fierce.

"Grace, what-"

"Prove to me that you are Tessa!" She hissed.

"Erm...umm, my brother is Nathaniel Gray," Tessa stammered.

"Anyone would know that," Grace snarled. "Tell me something that only Tessa Gray would care about!"

"I-My angel necklace was my mother's," Tessa said.

"Not good enough," Grace said, pressing the knife harder into Tessa's throat. "One more try or I'll slit your throat." Tessa was terrified. What happened if she died in Grace's dream?

"Umm...err..." she stuttered. Grace shook her head.

"Time's up." She brought the knife back to strike but Tessa stopped her.

"The last thing you told me to do was to look after Jem and Will," she said quickly, closing her eyes. When nothing happened, she opened one just a crack. Grace had frozen, looking at her in shock.

Please don't kill me, Tessa prayed. Please believe me, Grace. For the sake of Jem and Will.

"Tessa?" Grace asked. "Is that really you?"

"Yes, it's me," Tessa said, relief flooding through her body. Grace stumbled back, hitting the far wall and sliding down it. She looked sick and white.

"Oh God," she said. "What the hell  are you doing here?"

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Bit of a longer one for you. What did you think??? Please comment and vote!

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