Twenty-two ~ Free

My stomach churned as I crossed the beach towards Brent's post. He'd noticed me coming and descended his ladder, his hand curling around one of the rungs when he reached the bottom.

"Rosalie." His voice was gentle and formal, seeming apprehensive even though I'd not yet said anything.

"Listen, Brent, there's no easy way to say this so I'm just gonna come straight out with it. When I got home yesterday, Alastair was there."

His eyebrows shot upwards, and he folded his arms, defensiveness immediately apparent.

"Alastair? Your boyfriend?"

I nodded. "I'm sorry. For what it's worth—"

"Please don't." He held up a hand. "You don't owe me an explanation. It's fine."

I swallowed, assessing his tense posture and stony face. "Are you sure? I mean, you don't seem fine..."

"What do you want me to say, Rosalie? You said yourself you're not a cheater, so don't waste both of our time by pretending like something could have happened."

While I could understand his annoyance, I couldn't help being offended by his snappy attitude. He couldn't keep going Jekyll and Hyde on me. It wasn't fair to kiss me and be affectionate one day, then irritable and standoffish the next, especially when he'd known about Alastair from the start.

"There's no need to be like that," I said. "You were aware of my situation..."

"We're done here."

Were we back to square one again? Brent's attitude had frustrated me from the day we'd met, but I'd worked hard to prove I wasn't the girl he took me for, and each wall I'd broken down had brought such a sense of accomplishment. I may not be available for a relationship, but that didn't mean he could cast me aside.

My anger drove me to begin the trek across to my house, but then I stopped. No. I wouldn't let this man walk over me, too.

"Why do you keep treating me like I'm some scum who's beneath you?" I marched back over to his chair.

He'd begun to climb the rungs again but paused upon my reappearance, eyes narrowing. Though he didn't move from his spot, I could see his clenched grip on the ladder becoming firmer.

"Beneath me?" He laughed, sarcasm dripping from it. "How could that be true? You're higher than everyone in this town. I was foolish to assume you might be genuinely interested in me. How could someone like you be interested in someone like me?"

I tried telling myself it was the hurt speaking, but his words still stung. If he wanted to act this way, though, I refused to let him see he'd got to me.

"I guess your opinion of me never did change," I said.

"That's because you've not given it reason to change. What was I? Someone to feed your ego? Keep you occupied? A challenge?"

"You've gone beyond insulting me now," I said. "I'm not going to argue because we both know you're spouting bullshit, but if that's how you wanna deal with this, then fine. We are done here."

If he had anything to add, he didn't bother saying it. Frustration pumped through every vein in my body. But what did I have to be frustrated about? I should have known he was a closed book, unwilling to let anyone peek inside if he didn't get his own way. It was a vicious cycle, and in a moment of vanity, I wondered why I was attracted to guys who were no good for me.

~~~

Reading always made me sleepy: the combination of my eyes absorbing every word, the emotions they induce, and the relaxation they bring.

When I realised I'd dozed off while waiting for Alastair to return, the sun was disappearing into the horizon and a chill accompanied the evening air.

I made my way down the grand staircase, first noticing the muffled beats of music, then the smell of food. Darkness cloaked the kitchen door, and I only worked out why when I pushed it open. Alastair had drawn the curtains, switched off the lights, and illuminated the room with candles instead.

"Wow," I said out loud, startling him.

He'd been pottering around by the oven but turned upon hearing my voice. A tea towel hung over his shoulder, a wooden spoon gripped in one hand.

"Hey." He smiled. "Nice sleep?"

"Yeah..." I said, rubbing my tired eyes as I scanned the kitchen.

A beautiful bouquet of colourful flowers bloomed in the centre of the table, alongside a bottle of wine and two glasses.

"I wanted to cook for you. Your mum is out, so it's just you and me." He paused, turning back to the pots on the hob. "How'd it go down with the lifeguard?"

"Like a lead balloon," I said, finally gaining some level of composure.

"Oh?" He glanced over his shoulder to look at me. "Disappointed?"

"More like pissed off." I sighed, pulling out a chair and sinking into it. "He thinks I've been stringing him along with no intention of leaving you, especially since you've now turned up here—I suppose it looks like things were better between us than I let on."

Alastair said nothing for a while, either through lack of conversation or intense concentration on the meal he was so diligently preparing.

"Pour yourself a glass of wine," he then said, putting an end to the lifeguard discussion. That suited me fine; I'd rather not discuss it with Alastair, who probably didn't want to hear about it, anyway.

As we sat down to eat, it evoked memories of the early stages of dating when Alastair had constantly made an effort to impress me. We settled into an easy chat that neither revolved around my awkward situation with Brent, nor his dubious life back in Carringham. We laughed, we reminisced, and we joked.

While Brent still lingered in my mind, he no longer occupied my every thought, and it gave me hope that I could be happy with Alastair after all. Maybe he would change, and things would be different. Maybe Brent was just a distraction, a taste of something unknown before I settled down with the guy I was meant to be with.

~~~

"Do you ever miss Roman?" Alastair asked out of the blue the next day.

Bemused, I looked up from texting Mia. "I guess. Why?"

He shrugged and scratched at the back of his neck. "I've been feeling like a shitty person recently and it made me think about all the shitty stuff I've done to you. It's clear how close you and Mia are... I suppose you've not had a friend like that since him."

"It's in the past."

I did miss Roman, but thinking about him wouldn't fill any of the voids he'd left in my life. It would only churn up dormant resentment. So I wasn't sure why Alastair had brought it up until he released a pained sigh, the tiny warning he'd hidden something from me.

"The finances aren't fantastic at the moment, so we've decided to outsource CS."

"What? Why didn't you tell me this? What happened to us being a team?"

"Because I knew you'd react like this, upset about people losing their jobs. It wasn't an easy decision, but as the boss, this was just one of many tough decisions I'll need to make. It's going to reflect poorly on me if my first ever company crashes and burns. I needed a quick way to save some cash."

I sighed and collapsed into my armchair, burying my head in my hands. Sometimes with Alastair, it felt like a step forwards and two steps back. Just when I thought he was becoming a better man, he fires half his team.

"Rosa, come on," he murmured, touching my hand. "That meeting was one of the hardest things I've done in my career so far."

"Have you spoken to any of them since?" I asked, raising my head to study his face.

His regretful expression communicated for him. Just as I was about to scoff in disapproval, he spoke up.

"We exchanged some unpleasant words after the meeting." Tongue tracing his lips, he gazed into the distance before continuing. "Ian, in particular. I guess he felt able to air other grievances once he found out our working relationship was over."

"Like what?"

Ian had been Head of Customer Services. He'd shared a close friendship with Alastair, so it didn't come as a surprise that he'd reacted badly to his abrupt redundancy.

"More personal ones."

"About you?"

"No. About you."

"Me?" I exhaled, raising my eyebrows in curiosity. "What about me?"

"Nothing I don't already know." Alastair sighed and sat down opposite me on the edge of the bed. "He says you can do better, and I agree."

I scoffed. "Not that it matters."

"Excuse me?" Alastair's brow wrinkled as he tilted his head to the side.

"I said not that it—"

"I heard what you said. I wanted to know why you said it."

He blinked at me, his hands loosely intertwined on his lap. It was clear he wanted me to continue, but did he really want to go down that painful, ugly road?

"Well, that's why you don't treat me better, right?" I said. "You didn't have a good reason for cheating with Daisy because you didn't need one. You could get away with it because I'm hardly in a position to end things, am I? You hold all the power in our relationship, Alastair, and you're aware of that."

Silence met my explanation.

To begin with, I wondered if my outburst had annoyed him. Then, as the silence dragged on, accentuated by the rhythmic ticking of the clock on the wall, I realised I'd misread him.

"You feel trapped?"

Voice soft and reserved, his saddened eyes locked on mine. I struggled to tell whether his comment was a statement or question, but one thing became clear: the dynamic between us had shifted.

"Think about it, Alastair. What excuse would I give for breaking up with you? If I say you cheated, that tarnishes your reputation and you can't tell me you—or your father—wouldn't retaliate. If your family pulls out of my family's business, the whole thing will collapse. My family will have nothing. My parents would probably disown me for screwing it up—"

"Sounds like you've considered this a lot." He stood up and began to pace. "Nice to know you're just with me for the money, Rosa."

"No!" I leapt to my feet, reaching to grab his arm. "Alastair, you know how I feel about you—"

"Do I?" He rounded on me. "You say I can get away with cheating because you'd never be able to break up with me. So how do I know you're not just with me for your family's money?"

"Because you know me better than that. You saw how upset I got over Daisy. Why would I be upset if I didn't care about you? In fact, sometimes I wonder why you're even with me. You cheat on me, you accuse me of being suffocating, you say I'm—"

"I'm with you because I love you!"

The charged outburst startled me—not the words themselves, since Alastair had said them thousands of times before, but rather the desperation that seeped from every syllable.

After clearing his throat, he lowered his voice. "I do a poor job of showing it, but it's true, Rosa. You're too good for me, so I do stupid things like cheat on you, because that's the kind of person I am. Time and time again, I wondered why you never ended it. Now I know."

With nothing to say to that, I bowed my head. Eventually, Alastair slid his feet into his flip flops and strode towards the door.

"I'm going for a walk," he said. "I need some fresh air to clear my head. See you later."

Before I could reply, he'd left.

~~~

Alastair stayed out for at least a couple of hours. I tried to read, I had a bath, I painted my nails and tested out a new hairstyle, all to pass the time while I waited for him to return. When he finally did, he'd calmed down but still looked withdrawn and hurt.

"I've thought about what you said and maybe you're right," he said. "Maybe I don't think about the consequences of a breakup as much as you because, frankly, I'd never be the one to end it."

"Alastair, it's not like—"

"Just let me speak," he said, voice soft. "I've got this all planned out and I need to say it."

I nodded and swallowed. "Okay."

"You're right. If we broke up, it'd rock the boat. And if people found out I'd cheated, it probably would affect my reputation, and therefore my company. Potential shareholders would think twice before investing in a person who's the subject of so much bad publicity and..." He trailed off, shaking his head to himself. "Anyway, that doesn't matter."

My bottom lip began to sting from biting it through nerves and anticipation. Alastair hadn't finished his prepared speech, so I forced myself to remain silent, staring at the carpet.

"You know, they say that if you love someone, you set them free."

From deep within my chest, my heart lurched, but I couldn't bring myself to look at him. It wasn't a lurch of excitement, but trepidation.

"Perhaps you don't believe I love you, Rosa, but I do. And if you'll be happier without me, I'll accept that." He paused to take a breath. "I don't just see you as a business partner, but you have a point. There's no simple way for us to break up. So, unless you've already got any suggestions, do you want to hear my thoughts?"

His formal tone of voice sounded unfamiliar, and I didn't know if it was due to his concentration on reciting his thoughts or simply nerves. Maybe both. I could recognise his attempt to be matter of fact about it, though, and that summed up Alastair. His life revolved around business, so it made sense that he'd use those tactics as a coping mechanism.

I took a deep breath, bracing myself. "Sure."

"As far as we're concerned, our relationship is over," he said, closing his eyes briefly before swallowing. "As far as anyone else is concerned—anyone in Carringham or our parents—we're still very much a couple. I've got my birthday coming up and a business event, so it's best we appear together for those. Then you can go off to university and a few months later we'll announce a separation. We'll say the long distance made us drift apart. University has helped you grow as a person, my company has helped me grow as a person, and therefore we've outgrown each other. I get to keep my reputation intact, and your family doesn't risk losing anything because of my family's embarrassment."

It sounded too good to be true, but also incredibly sad. Just like I'd never entertained the idea of properly being with Brent, I'd also never entertained the idea of properly splitting up with Alastair. After all, the two went hand in hand. While separating from him was for the best and what I deserved, it still hurt to lose someone who'd played such a big role in my life.

"It sounds like you've got it all thought out," I said.

He shrugged. "I suppose owning a firm has taught me a few things, like finding a way out of tricky situations, considering all options..."

After spending so long hating how Alastair put his work first, who'd have guessed that his business head would end up helping me?

"So, what now?"

"I go back to London. You enjoy the rest of your summer here, and we'll meet up when you're home to discuss a game plan."

"A game plan?"

He forced a smile and rubbed at his forehead. "You know what I mean. So, are you okay with it?"

I shrugged. "It's like tearing off a plaster, right?"

He smiled again, this time more genuine. "Thank you, Rosa."

I raised my eyebrows to question him. "For what?"

"For making me a better person." 

~~~

Thank you for reading :) xx

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