Chapter 12~ Why Do I Feel So Guilty if I'm Innocent?

Hey guys! Sorry it's been so long since I updated, here's a longer chapter to make up for it! Love you all! :)


"Rough day?"

I sighed and stared into my cup of coffee, my fingers scrunching the hair on either side of my head. "The pits." I admitted, not looking up to see who the voice belonged to.

It was around 5pm and I was sat in the kitchen at the office, inhaling coffee that was too strong and trying to sort through all the thoughts that were buzzing around in my head. I'd finished work an hour ago, but I'd been sat here watching my coffee turn cold for lack of anything better to do. It wasn't like I wanted to go back to my motel room and watch reruns of Jeopardy on TV.

"I'm sure it'll improve. It's not so bad here once you get used to it."

I smiled tiredly and lifted my head up, greeted by the surprising sight of the man who had been kind enough to share his cab with me this morning.

This morning. That felt like a life time ago.

"Ethan? What are you doing here?" I asked, pleased to see a friendly face. I brushed my tangled hair off of my face in an attempt to look like I wasn't having a mental breakdown.

Which I was.

Ethan returned my smile with a devilishly handsome one of his own, adjusting his coat as he sat opposite me. "I work here." He informed me matter-of-factly, rubbing his hand over his jaw.

I frowned. "What? You never mentioned that this morning when I told you I was interning here."

Ethan just shrugged and fiddled with a packet of sugar in the cup of sweeteners that was sat on the table. "Yeah, well, people tend to address me differently once I introduce myself."

I narrowed my eyes and was about to ask what he meant when he suddenly jumped up out of his seat, making me startle. He smiled. "You know what Isabelle Conway? I think I know how to make you feel better."

I raised my eyebrows. Unless he knew how to get me a paying job, my boyfriend to call me, my internship something other than getting coffee and a new apartment, I didn't think he could make me feel better at all.

But, twenty minutes later as I found myself walking down Hollywood Boulevard beside Ethan, admiring the handprints and stars of celebrities who had walked here before me, I actually did feel a little better. Or at least, I forgot my problems for a few moments.

It was fairly quiet for a Monday night, only a few tourists stumbling around and photographing everything. Cars raced past us on the street, the sound of car horns creating a chorus in the background.

"Hey look! Walt Disney!" I grinned, bending down to admire the star. It was amazing, if you thought about it, that all of these people were immortalised in cement for us to gawk at. We had found these people to have left such a legacy that we wanted future generations to see and remember them too.

"Ooh David Hasselhoff! My best friend back in Connecticut was obsessed with Baywatch all through Freshman year." I informed Ethan with a laugh.

Ethan returned my smile and led me towards the TLC Chinese Theatre. "You're from Connecticut? I have some family in Connecticut, what a small world!"

"Really? How funny! Where abouts in Connecticut? I'm from Stratfo-- oh my gosh, Ethan look it's Jackie Chan!" I giggled, getting distracted as I placed my hands into the outline of his. My hands were way too small, but it was cool all the same.

Ethan rummaged around in his pocket and whipped out his phone, laughing with me (or at me, either way). "Wait, let me take a photo for you."

I didn't object as he snapped a few shots of me with various celebrity hand prints, squawking like a maniac whenever I saw the print of a celebrity I had seen growing up or adored watching.

At least seven aspiring musicians tried to give me their CDs, all of which I politely declined, before I skipped down the path away from the Chinese Theatre.

It was nice to get my mind off things.

"So," Ethan started as he hailed a cab, "did my cheer-up-Isabelle scheme work?"

I stared down at my feet and nodded. "It did. Thank you."

He opened the door of the cab for me as he had done this morning, and I climbed inside after thanking him. I started to give the cabbie my motel address but Ethan stopped me with a hand on my forearm.

"Sorry, sir, could you please take us to Griffith Observatory?" Ethan interrupted me, earning a grunt from the cabbie as a response.

I turned to Ethan with a questioning expression, to which he just chuckled and shook his head. Twenty minutes later the cabbie dropped us off outside the huge Observatory building, and Ethan was silent as he led me into the planetarium. The tall ceilings and glowing sculptures of planets were beautiful, but Ethan didn't stop for a second to look at anything inside, instead leading me straight up to the third floor and out onto the balcony.

"Ethan, what are we-- oh." Words failed me as I stepped out onto the tiled floor, the breeze blowing my hair in a tangled mess around my face.

"It's pretty great, isn't it?" Ethan asked gently, but I couldn't tear my eyes away from the view long enough to acknowledge his question.

The sky was almost black now, with just a hint of orange sunset still lingering on the horizon. The darkness was illuminated by hundreds of thousands of lights shining from the buildings in Hollywood and West Los Angeles, and a thin veil of smog covered the tips of the tallest sky rises.

"Woah." I murmured, clinging onto the hand rail and leaning over as far as I could without falling over the ledge of the balcony. I felt Ethan's presence join me a moment later, and he pulled his jacket off when I shivered noticeably.

I tore my gaze away from the magnificent view and raised my palm. "Oh, no. You don't have to give me that." I told him, shying away from his open arms.

Guilt washed over me suddenly.

This felt too much like a date. Too much like betraying Noah.

But this wasn't a date. And it would be rude not to accept after he'd been so welcoming to me.

What was I doing here?

I hardly even knew him, for goodness sake.

But I wasn't doing anything wrong, was I?

Ethan seemed to sense my moral dilemma and he chuckled, running his tongue over his teeth. "It's just a jacket, Isabelle."

I looked up at him with wide eyes, but exhaled in relief when I saw that his expression was soft and his eyes were laughing.

Just a jacket. Stop freaking over thinking everything, Issy. It's just a jacket.

I smiled, my breath releasing as I did so. "Thank you." I said graciously, taking the jacket from him and snuggling down into the warmth, turning back to the view.

Even though I wasn't stupid enough to think that anything was going on with Ethan when we'd literally just met, I couldn't help but shake the feeling that Noah mightn't feel the same way if he knew about where I was right now.

But then again, where the hell had he been when he left me waiting in his dorm room for hours when he'd planned for us to meet up?

The guilt instantly drained from my body as I thought about our previous argument.

I wasn't doing anything wrong.

***

🎶 I got bills, I gotta pay! So I'm gon' work work work eryday! I got mouths, I gotta feed! So I'm gon' make sure everybody eats! 🎶

The ringtone I'd set specifically for Sam's incoming calls blared through the room, waking me up with a jolt. I reached over with a groan and tapped accept, pressing the phone to my ear.

"What do you want?" I mumbled groggily, still half asleep. It was like six in the morning, couldn't she wait until a decent hour, like 12pm?

Stupid early bird.

"ISABELLE CONWAY! HOW DARE YOU LEAVE PRINCETON UNIVERSITY AND MOVE TO LA WITHOUT MY PERMISSION! WHEN YOU GET HOME WE ARE GOING TO HAVE A VERY SERIOUS CHAT ABOUT RESPONSIBILITY AND-"

"Sam?" I squinted, confused. "What are you talking about? Why are you yelling at me?"

There was a pause, and then Sam laughed. "That was a message from your father, who, by the way, is extremely angry that you didn't tell him you moved to LA. His phone broke and he hasn't had chance to buy a new one yet so he wanted me to tell you for him."

I groaned internally, slapping my hand on my forehead. "I was going to tell him, really, I was! It all just happened so fast that I never got the chance to." I reasoned, closing my eyes again.

So maybe I had been avoiding telling my dad that I'd left Princeton, but it's not like I did anything illegal! I was eighteen, an adult, and supporting myself with my own savings (so far, at least). And it wasn't like I had dropped out of college, I was just deferring the semester.

"Yeah, yeah, he knows. Besides, I don't think he'll stay mad for long-- he's actually secretly ecstatic that you got an internship, he just has to play the role of the angry parental for a bit." Sam informed me matter-of-factly, making me grin.

I pushed the covers off of myself reluctantly and headed towards the bathroom to see what damage there was, keeping the phone perched between my ear and shoulder as I did so.

"So, tell me all about your first day! Were they nice?" Sam yapped in my ear as I pressed speaker-phone and popped the phone down near the basin.

"Honestly, Sammy, it was pretty terrible. All I did was get people coffee, spill coffee everywhere, drink coffee while I did the filing. There was too much coffee and nothing to do with actually writing. I mean, don't get me wrong, I am so grateful that Mr. Manolis gave me this chance but somehow I just thought that he'd have scouted me for more than to just get coffee, you know?" I vented as I pulled my hair back into a wavy ponytail and brushed my teeth.

Sam sighed, and I could tell that she was just as bummed for me as I was. "It was only the first day, Issy. Just think of it like this; today can only get better, right?"

...

It didn't get better.

My second day on the job was like freaking groundhog day. Get people's coffee orders. Walk to Starbucks. Deliver coffee. File. Get more coffee. Do more filing. Filing. Filing. More filing.

On my third coffee round though, something did happen that improved my whole day. Mr. Manolis, Tina and a bunch of other important looking people were in a meeting, sat around a huge round table that was covered in copies of The World Against Us. I pushed the door open with my hip and started to make my way around the table, handing out coffees to their demanders.

I took my time handing them out, pretending to search for each person's name written on the cup and finding them in the room. It was only as I came across a cup with Ethan's name on it that I noticed him sat beside Tina at the table.

I couldn't help my eyebrows from shooting up in surprise. He must have been pretty high up in the food chain to be sitting in on meetings with the publisher.

"What about Leonardo DiCaprio?" A man with huge bushy brows suggested, but Mr. Manolis waved his hand with an agitated expression on his handsome face.

"Every magazine has featured him on their cover. We need someone new, someone who cares about the environment and our carbon footprint but doesn't show off about it-- someone who will make readers believe that they too can make a difference. Remember, this month's issue is about the readers, and ways that they can contribute towards saving the world." Mr. Manolis explained, and the man who had spoke up earlier looked down at his hands sourly.

I bit my tongue to stop from shooting out suggestions, knowing that as far as everybody else was concerned, I wasn't even in this room.

"Brangelina?" Someone I think was named Paul offered, to which Mr. Manolis looked as if he wanted to slap him across the face. I bit my tongue to stop from laughing.

"Do you have an idea, Isabelle?"

I froze, halfway to handing someone their coffee as Ethan aimed the question at me.

Tina, the lady who had shown me around yesterday, snorted. "Oh, don't be ridiculous Ethan, she's just a lousy intern." She crossed her arms in a superior manner, making me blush from the roots of my hair to my neck. I handed the person their coffee and retreated, staring down at my shoes.

Of course they didn't care what I thought.

Thanks anyway Ethan.

"Actually, I'd like to know too." The voice, belonging distinctly to Mr. Manolis, cut through Tina's sneers, and excitement bubbled up in my chest as I looked up slowly.

Wait, what?
He wanted to hear what I had to say?

"Um." I squeaked, earning an eyeroll from Tina before I cleared my throat. I glanced at Ethan briefly, who shot me a wink, and turned back towards the table. I leant over and picked up a copy of the magazine, holding it in my hands so that I could gesture to it to clearly articulate my idea.

"What if instead of featuring a celebrity, we feature the reader? I mean, you said it's all about them this issue, right? So we could put a mirror, or some reflective paper, where the cover model's face would usually be, so when the reader looks at the magazine, they see themselves on the cover. And where we would usually put a celebrities name and a caption about how they're bettering the world, we could have a 'fill-the-blank' spot, where the reader can write their own name, and underneath a caption that reads 'How you're saving the world one day at a time'. Or something." I shrugged, staring around the room at the blank faces. Turning an even brighter shade of crimson, I placed the magazine back onto the table and stared down at my feet.

Silence.

And then... laughter?

Oh great, they were laughing at my idea. I never should have--

"It's perfect." Mr. Manolis cheered, clapping his hands together.

There was a slight pause, and then everyone around the table exploded into chatter about how great the idea was. I got the feeling that if Mr. Manolis had said he hated it, then they would have too.

Tina sneered and looked away, but I caught Ethan's eye and he grinned at me, shaking his head slightly.

I grinned back, before turning to Mr. Manolis to discuss my idea further.

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