JJ actively refuses to believe that Kat tried to kill herself until she tells them so herself. There's no good in trying to guess what happened, they're just going to poison their heads with some fucked idea, and it's never going to leave. It's already getting to the Pogues; all acting like everything is fine around her, but it's not.

Even if they're silent about it, it's not working. It's so painfully obvious that they're hiding something. Kat will probably see it the second they get to the lighthouse. Because, come on, since when is JJ so nice with her, not even teasing her to be funny? Since this happens to others, not to her.

"Remember," says John B. "We act natural, okay ?"

Kie nods. "It's for Kat."

"Yeah," agrees Pope.

They turn to JJ, and wait for him to say yes. He looks at them and rolls his eyes. "I won't say anything, okay?"

They all seem suspicious, but don't say anything, because Kat's here now. Besides, it's not like he's going to throw himself at her and be like, 'Hey, what's up, mister H told us you almost killed yourself, how fun? Wanna tell us more?'

Pope opens the van's door and helps her climb in.

Kat smiles at them, handing them the pancake plate. JJ has to look away because of how bright her smile is. "Hey losers, fancy a nice breakfast?"

There's an awkward moment, the Pogues trying to adjust to the situation, before John B talks, saving the situation in extremis. "Max is a savior."

Kat laughs. "Yes he is."

JJ doesn't talk much during the ride. He doesn't even take a pancake. He's too afraid to do something wrong. And she looks so much happier than two days ago, he doesn't want to blow this up.

He'll just have to play the waiting game and see who caves first.

"So um," Kat says, ditching the plate at the back of the van and settling herself next to Pope, in front of JJ. She really isn't making this easy for him. "Do you really think your father left a message in the compass?"

Kat probably knows by the time they get to the lighthouse that something's wrong, like JJ thought. Maybe it's the way he looks away everytime she tries to poke fun at him. Maybe it's how he keeps dodging her looks. Maybe she just knows him, whatever, but she has to know.

"Right, so here's what's gonna happen," says John B, turning to JJ. "You're gonna post up and look out for bogeys, okay?"

Okay, maybe Kat knows that something's up because of him – and even that is just a supposition! – but forcing him to stay down there is definitely too big of a punishment. JJ doesn't need time out.

"Wait..." JJ looks to the others. "Why me?"

"Because you're not coming," answers Pope.

"Why?"

He's getting angry now. Come on, he's human, he can't just pretend like everything is fine when it's not, that's not something he's capable of doing. Especially with Kat–she has like, a sixth sense to know when something is wrong with him, because of course that had to stick around after four years. He can feel it in the way her eyes bore holes in his skull.

"Look JJ, there are independent and dependent variables. You're independent. We don't know what you'll do."

That's bullshit. "Shut up!" JJ shouts.

"Listen to me for a second," interrupts John B. "Pope and Kat, you stand look out with JJ. Okay? If we get split up, we meet back at JJ's house." His heart misses a beat.

"Great," agrees Kie.

Not great, very not great. Kat and JJ, alone, after all that? God she's going to get it so fast, it's going to be embarrassing.

Kat shakes her head. "No, not great," she says, echoing his thoughts. "Why do I stay here?"

There's a silence, the Pogues looking at each other. Ha, see? JJ isn't the only one messing up. Wait, fuck, they messed up. They have to solve this quickly if they don't want Kat to have a meltdown..

"You have vertigo," JJ recalls, almost blurting the excuse out. "You sure you wanna get up there?"

Oh god, the way she looks at him? She definitely knows. She's going to give him so much crap, the second they're alone. He's on thin ice. No, not even that anymore, the ice cracked and he's going to drown any minute now.

She pushes. "Are you saying I'm scared?"

Immediately, about a thousand flashbacks plague his mind. "Uh, no. No, because if I was saying that, you'd find a way to teleport up there." He hopes that's half-believable.

"Yeah, I'm gonna stay here," she says in her velvety voice, and JJ wants to scream.

Kie and John B leave, and he gets a small ball out of his pocket, and begins to play with it, trying his best to pretend as if everything is normal, and Kat definitely isn't going to start yelling any minute now.

"I'm gonna work on my merit scholarship essay," Pope says, "and I'm trying to keep felonies to a minimum."

"All right, would you just shut up already?" he barks out.

He's too much on edge. It's making him antsy. He thinks, for a split second, that Kat doesn't know because she's still silent... and then she snatches his ball and puts it behind her back.

JJ frowns at her, feeling his stomach tighten into a knot. This is where I die.

"What are you hiding from me?" Kat asks. He's going to puke, he thinks, as he exchanges a look with Pope. She scoffs. "Seriously, guys. Did you even try to be discreet? You keep looking at each other and staring at me like I'm gonna blow up."

He huffs, still holding onto his lie of it never happened because she never said so for a few more seconds. "Okay, not true. Give me back my ball."

She shakes her head and takes a step backwards. "Not before you tell me what you're hiding." He doesn't. Instead, he stares at Pope. Help. "Okay, new plan, tell me everything or I'll kill you, dispose of your bodies, buy the cops' silence, and no one will find out."

Pope makes a face. "That was thought out."

They exchange a look again. Well, if they're going to tell her, he sure as hell won't be the one who does so. He doesn't have a deathwish, not to that point anyway.

So, he spreads his arms, frustrated. "You explain it to her," he says to Pope. "It's your theory."

Pope scoffs. "Oh thanks man."

"You're welcome."

"Guys!" Kat interrupts, crossing her arms but keeping the ball in her hands. "Stop screwing around. If it's about me, I have a right to know."

Pope rubs the back of his neck. Fuck, here goes. "Well, last night, Henry and Max told us that... you almost died."

JJ cannot look at Kat right now. He just can't. Because if he sees something that he won't like in her reaction, something in him is going to flip. Or break, whichever.

Since Kat is still silent, he guesses – hopes – that it's because of how astonished she is by the implications, and runs with it. Runs blind, deaf, with a bad foot, through the woods, at night, with someone shooting at him.

"And Pope thought that you had tried to kill yourself, which is stupid, right?" he says, looking everywhere but Kat.

"JJ," warns Pope.

JJ doesn't listen, completely engrossed in his thoughts. "It was a stupid idea anyway."

"JJ!"

His eyes finally flicker to Kat's face. She's not crying, but it's obvious that it's out of pride. Her eyes are shining with unshed tears, and her set jaw looks too tight to not hurt.

For a moment, all he can do is stare, as it dawns on him that he's an idiot, a selfish idiot, that he made all of this worse, and he can't fathom the thought, he can't understand it, and he wants to scream at the world until his throat grows hoarse.

He takes a step forward. "Don't," she seethes.

JJ gulps. "Fuck – KD, I'm..."

"What? You're what, you're sorry?" she spits out. "I fucking hope you are. You were never meant to find out. None of you."

He doesn't care that she's angry. That's her way to respond when a situation slips out of her grasp, and he has no right to judge that. He just wants to do something, but he doesn't know what. What is he supposed to do? What can he do to help? He doesn't understand this barely fixed up together with tape and make-believe version of her. He won't pretend he does, but he wants to try.

He takes a step forward, and she teps back.

"Don't. I'm going. I'm going back to Henry's."

"You shouldn't go home alone," Pope says, quicker to react.

"Yeah, you should mind your fucking business for once," she scoffs. "It's a thirty minute walk, I can manage."

JJ's brain freezes. She wants to leave. She's going to leave, like she did all those years ago, like his mom did, except maybe this time, when she's alone, it may get as bad as she did, and then something very bad happens, and he can't leave her.

"Don't leave!" he screams out in sheer panic. "It's okay, I swear."

She flips around. "Explain to me how is that okay? How? I didn't want you to know this," she says again. "I didn't want anyone to find out, I don't want anyone to be hurt because of me."

"That's not your fault," Pope says, softly.

"Like hell it isn't!" she fires back. "I don't want to talk about that. I'm leaving."

The thought swirls around his brain like a shark circling his prey, and his blood runs hot and his fear runs cold and his whole body is at odds with itself and the only thing he wants is to never let her go again.

"So what, you're gonna ditch us?"

"I am not," she says, growing red with anger.

He's visibly shaking now. "Yes you are! You're leaving because we care, that's what you do." That's what she did.

She scoffs and takes a step forward, but he steps in front of her to stop her. She's breathing heavily now, because of how angry her pain is making her.

"Move."

"No."

He can see her sharp fury get to her, and she pushes him away. Not hard, though. Just enough for him to take a step back. She'd never hurt him, he knows that. That's why, when Pope jumps forward to help him, JJ raises his hand to stop him.

"Oh you want me to stay? Want me to make a bonfire and sing kumbaya and tell you all about me, don't you?"

He knows she's trying to push him off the edge too, to make him snap, because it's easier to hate her than to care for her, but she never had a say in this.

"You shouldn't be alone right now," he says, and she knows he's right.

He can see that she wants to scream, to run away, but if she isn't able to hold on, then he will for the both of them, no matter what.

"Why do you care?" she cries out. "I'm just some bitch that left you all behind, and I should have never come back here, aren't I?"

He knows she's putting words in his mouth, trying to remind him of the anger and resentment that once inhabited him, as if they weren't long gone, as if they hadn't disappeared the moment he saw her back on that beach.

"You could have told me," he pleads.

She scoffs. "Oh I could've told you. How? How can I tell you anything, when you barely even look at me?" He clenches his jaw. "You wanna talk? Talk! Why is it that the Pogues all accepted me back and you barely did, tell me how is that even fair?"

Her words are trying to push him away, harsh and mean because of her fear, violent and angry because of her vulnerability, and JJ can't take his eyes off the train wreck, or his heart off of her hands.

"Kat–" Pope tries.

She shakes her head at Pope, gesturing at him to shut it.

Her eyes lock with JJ's. "You have no right telling me what's best for me, or resenting for leaving more than the others. None."

She found it. The one thing that would make him angry right now. She found it, and struck right immediately. After all, he did hang onto what they were, what she was, for too long now. Hated a ghost instead of trying to understand the living person in front of him.

And she won't let him. She won't let him understand her, and that frustrates him, because of course they were different. Of course they were, they always had been.

"You were my best fucking friend and you left without saying anything! My life literally went to crap after that. So I'm sorry if I'm giving you a hard time, but life hasn't been easy on any of us!"

"Then why you specifically?" she asks, waving her finger at him. "How are you any different?!"

"Because you left like my mom! I lost my best friend," he goes on, voice pleading, wavering. "Just like I lost her."

He doesn't understand what he said himself before he did. The words are selfish, but so is his anger. He already lost her once. He just learned he came pretty damn close to never seeing her again. Why would he ever risk it happening again? He couldn't convince his mom to stay.

All he did was watch as she packed her bags, kissed his head, and left, and that was it. He didn't do anything.

"Move, JJ," she asks, voice cracking. "Just leave me alone."

His throat closes up, fighting tears of his own. Fine. If she doesn't want his help, then so be it. At least he tried, as clumsy as he did. JJ moves out of the way.

He feels the ghostly feeling of his mom's lips against his head as Kat walks past him, throwing him the ball.

When he looks back at Pope, there's tears in his eyes, and Kat is long gone. He's crouched down, his face in his hands. He grunts as he stands back up.

"I hope you're happy you were right," JJ blurts out.

Pope shakes his head. "No, I'm not."

He watches as she walks away until she's nothing but a dot in the horizon. He stands there, unmoving.

JJ wonders if he'll always be waiting for Kat to let him in. 

Editor's Note: You hear that? Silence......