^^The perfect song for this chapter^^

"I've been stuck with so many knives that when handed a flower, I can't quite make out what it is."

     -Charles Bukowski

Chapter 47

River's POV

Silence.

I heard him. His unique voice was one I could never misplace yet he didn't answer.

Why?

"Luna?"

Again, nothing. But his presence was there. I could feel it.

"A-are you upset at me?" I tried.

Had I done something to irk him?

"Luna, I can't have you out right now. Alastair could return any second and he can't come back to me shifting."

'Why?'  His voice was low in a purr-like manner.

I let out a relieved sigh. He was answering.

"He can't know that I...that I've shifted against the law."

I shivered as the familiar ominous door plagued my mind.

Would he...?

I shook my head, ridding myself of the horrid thoughts circulating my mind.

I awaited Luna's answer but he remained silent. Though amidst his silence a low humming buzzed in the back of my mind.

A short laugh escaped my lips as covered my mouth.

No use hiding, Luna. I can still hear you.

A short snort resounded in my head.

There you are.

I pulled my hand from my mouth, sharply visible nails apparent in the morning sunlight streaming in from the open window.

"Please, Luna?" I tried again as my eyes narrowed in on the sharpened points.

Just the thought of Alastair walking in and seeing me in this form sent shivers down my spine.

'Why?'  The same repetitive word.

I let out an exasperated breath, "You know why."

'Is our mate so devilish as to report his own mate?'

My eyes widened beneath his harsh words. I had never heard him utter so many words in one sentence.

'Well?'

"I-I," my eyes began to water, "I-I d-don't k-know."

Was he?

My head dropped into my hands as I let out a choked gasp. I didn't think so. He was so kind. So very kind to me. He had never been cruel...

The image of him, eyes dark and empty as his hands raked my body with no care to my trembling words beneath him.

I shook, legs turning to leaves against streaming wind as my mind raced.

That was once. A hoax. We talked about it. His wolf...it was too strong. It overpowered the medication, but only for a short while.

'You don't trust him.'

"No!" My voice rose as my feet dropped to the floor, body jumping from the seat in a clumsy motion that unsteadied me and almost face-planted me if not for my sudden grip on the nearest night table.

My hands shook on the night table, grip loosening as my breath grew shallower by the minute.

"I-I do," I managed through tear-filled gasps, "I do."

Do I really?

He was mate, my love. I should trust him more than anything in the world.

'You don't trust him to keep you safe.'

My heart jumped. He was right. I didn't trust anyone to keep me safe. Since as long as I could remember it was just myself alone who kept my feet on the ground and heart beating. I couldn't depend on anyone to care about me.

It was just myself.

Was I still stuck in my past mindset? Unable to shift to the current moment. Always stuck. Always unmoving from my past self.

Oh, Goddess. I cupped my mouth. When was the last time I trusted anyone?

My mind went blank, white and bare as a crisp early morning snowfall.

The answer was obvious by my lack of an answer.

Never.

Even in that cold metallic room that housed just as bad memories as good, I was alone. I loved Alice but even her I didn't trust. When food was portioned out, I always kept my food close by my side. Even when it was just Alice and me in our far corner, away from the other slaves.

Why?

My eyes watered as my hands clamped up, sweat causing my grip to slip from the night table as I fell to the floor in a crumbled mess of tears.

"I-I," my tightened fist landed lightly on the bed sheets as my eyes searched the room as if upon the bed and chairs I'd find my answer. A shallow swallow pulled down my throat as the realization hit me, "I-I don't know how to."

How does one trust at all?

I shook my head, tears dripping onto the floor in a silent, doleful melody.

It was then that a sudden screech filled the room. My head tipped to the side, pupils dilated and focused on the sudden figure by the door. My heart pounded against my chest, breath quickening as Alastair took a step forward from the doorway. His steps were slow as if knowing of my hurried chest. I took the form of a statue by the bed, unmoving, breath halted as my eyes locked on his form, following him as he grew closer and closer

"...Love?" He voice was gentle as he slowly bent down by the bed, eye-level to me.

My chest rose and fell in quickened pace as his hand reached out to cup my face.

"You're shaking," his eyes observed, "What's wrong?" His eyes softened as his thumbs rubbed gentle circles along my cheeks in hopes of calming me yet resulting in further more anxiety.

My hand reached up to his just as a cloud passed. A bright ray of sunlight cast through the window, landing directly on my hand as a gasp pulled from Alastair's throat as he zeroed in on my hand. My eyes immediately turned to my hand, only to choke. My nails laid prominently outgrown and pointed against Alastair's hand, scraping slightly against his knuckle, drawing a thin line of blood to drip down his hand in a silent motion, landing right between us in muted drop.

My breath hitched as his eyes widened.

No. No. No. Please, no.

I pushed against his chest, pulling from his grip as I scurried to the door. Just as I got a good grip on the door, I was swept off the floor and into Alastair's arms. A high-pitched whimper escaped my mouth as I fought against his tightened hold.

"N-No," I whimpered as my vision turned hazy by the sudden rush of tears.

My hands gripped harshly against his silk shirt, pulling and tugging as his grip remained unwavering on my small form.

He knows. He knows. A pounding mantra filled my mind.

He began walking backward as I continued pushing against him, small fists pounding against his chest in a fit of choked sobs.

Have to get away. I have to get away.

His body lowered, body landing against plush blankets as he took seat on our bed, ignoring my fit of hysteria. His lips landed against my shoulder blade in a soft whisper of a kiss as tears ran down my cheeks.

My breath grew so thick that my chest struggled to swallow it down as I shook in his lap, form crumbling piece by piece in his tightened embrace.

"Shh," his lips pulled to my right ear, "calm down, love. Nothing is going to happen."

Why would he say that?

How could he say that?

Of course, something was going to happen. I broke the law, shifted against the law and he'd seen it with his own eyes. Mate or not, he was bound by the law. He had to report me or he'd be considered a partner in crime. Killed alongside me.

Killed.

I'm going to be killed.

I couldn't breathe. Suddenly the room grew far in my fit of hysteria. My head grew fuzzy, body lax in Alastair's grip as my body grew to jelly. My throat tightened, mind so silent as the beating of my ever bleeding heart filled the very core of my mind.

I'm going to die.

And like that, the match lit. My body jumped, startling Alastair enough to loosen his grip as I fell to the ground. My hands shook as they steadied me quick enough to rush to the door. My hand wrapped around the knob, turning. Yet it didn't open. My eyes widened as I pulled and tugged at the door. A pair of arms wrapped around my waist, chin against my shoulder blade as I gasped.

"It's locked," his voice resounded beside my ear.

My hand froze on the knob.

When had he...?

"N-no," I gasped out, voice shaking against my hurrying heart.

I dropped to the floor, sliding through Alastair's hands as my shaking hands pulled to my face as a choked cry pulled from my throat.

I'm going to die.

After everything, I managed to survive through. This was to be my undoing.

I flinched as a gentle hand ran lightly down my back as I crawled into myself, forming a small ball by the door. I squeezed my eyes shut.

This is it.

My sharpened nails brushed against my wrists in a lightened manner as my eyes widened. My breath hitched as the idea crossed my mind.

Better than being hanged.

I squeezed my eyes harshly, teeth scraping against my lower lip as I pushed harshly against my wrist in a sudden pulled manner. A pitched whimper escaped my throat as my nails ripped my wrist open. The pain that wafted through my wrist was more than I expected as my eyes flashed open, locking on the gushing wound that revealed far more than blood.

The gentle hand on my back froze as I was sudden pulled from the floor and thrown onto the bed. Alastair hovered above me, pulled my arms from my chest as he examined the wound and disappeared into the bathroom. He emerged seconds later with small vials of medication and bandages.

He placed everything besides my head on the bed as his hand held a small, green vial. His teeth gripped around the cap, pulling it open with a pop as his other hand pulled my torn wrist toward him. He didn't even bother steadying his grip as he poured the entire vial into my wound, droplets of the strange liquid spreading all over our once white bedsheets.

A strangled hiss escaped through my teeth as a sharp stinging sensation spread across my open gash.

"What were you thinking?" His voice came out choked, hand visibly shaking as he ripped a bandage with his teeth and wrapped it hurriedly around my wounded wrist. "Why would you...?" His hand tightened around my arm as he took a shallow breath.

"G-going t-to k-kill m-me a-anyway," I managed through thick tears.

His head wiped up, eyes more yellow than I'd even seen them. I gasped as they locked onto mine.

"Who?" He demanded as he dropped the leftover bandage harshly onto the floor.

"T-the c-court."

His eyes narrowed as they peered downwards to my hands.

"Because of that?"

I nodded, peering down at my clawed hands.

"They don't know."

My head wiped up, "Y-yet, but they will."

"And how will that be?" His eyes narrowed as he took my clawed hands into his, raising them to his lips as he brushed his lips against my knuckles.

"Y-you," I choked.

His lips froze as his hands dropped mine to the bedding. His eyes burned with fury as he pushed me back against the bedding, crawling on top of me in a predatorial manner.

"You believe I would turn you in?" His breath hitched, as if hurt. "Is that how much faith you have in me? Is that how you view me...? As one who would turn in his own mate?" The sudden view of moisture in his eyes took me aback. I'd never seen him cry before.

"I..." I had no words.

"It's my fault," he gasped out, cupping my face in his hands. "I must have done something for you to distrust of me so much," his eyes searched mine, "to think...you would think I would turn you in. That I'd allow anyone to harm you," his words came out disbelieving, as if such a thought had never once passed his mind.

I peered to the side, unable to bear looking at his face any longer. His face saddened to such an extent...

"Love?" His voice came out strangled as I turned my head to face his. His eyes were so lost, so sad. I struggled to keep eye contact with him.

It hurts.

His thumbs brushed lightly against my cheeks. His eyes melted me in place as he let out a shaking breath, "I love you, River." My breath hitched. "I love you more than anything in the entire world," tears filled my eyes once again. "I'd rather chop off my right hand than allow any harm to bestow you and to think," he choked, "you thought I'd allow anyone to not just harm you but kill you." His eyes bore into mine like a nail to a wooden plank as his head descended, lips growing closer to my own wet pair.

His eyes remained locked on mine as his nose brushed against mine, lips hovering directly above mine, "Anyone who merely thinks it," he growled, "merely thinks of bringing harm to you. I'll lock them away into the deepest depths of hell."

And it was then that realization hit me. That room, that door. It wasn't merely a room for torture. No. It was a room Alastair had created for me. For all those, he considered a threat towards me. To lock away and keep hidden from my sight.

It was for me.

A relieved breath escaped my throat. I had been wrong. I had never been so happy to be wrong.

He wasn't sadistic merely protective.

His fingers pulled from my face to brush gently against the spot right above my wound.

"Was this a suicide attempt?" His eyes locked on the white bandages.

"I thought you'd turn me in," I swallowed, "I thought that I'd rather die quickly by my own hand then be hanged in the town square."

He nodded at that, "I understand," he breathed, "but...never again." His eyes pulled from my wound to my eyes with a hardened stare.

I nodded slowly amidst widened eyes.

He placed my wrist lightly back onto the bed as he peered down at me with swirling eyes.

"I love you," his breath came out cracked as his nose brushed lightly against mine in an affectionate manner. "Please, don't ever forget that."

"Okay," I choked out. Tears, so many tears. A small smile played on his lips as he bent down, lips brushing beneath my eyes.

"Don't cry, my love." His breath swept against my cheek in a soft manner that sent shivers down my spine.

His eyes were so soft as they peered into mine like that was all he wanted to do all day. A gentle smile spread across his cheeks as his lips descended to mine.

It started in a whisper, soft lips playing gently with one another as his fingers combed lightly through my locks. No tongue, no fighting for dominance just gentle whispering as he whispered soft sounds of love against my lips.

It was then, amidst the gentle whispers of ever-present love that I wanted nothing more than to trust him.