During the ride back, I couldn't utter a single word to apologize or justify myself.

Maybe it was because I had neither forgiveness nor justification for what I had done.

I was afraid, afraid of everything. Afraid of myself and what I could do to others when angry. Afraid of the fury of other people. Afraid of disappointing my parents. Afraid of losing Fyodor. Afraid of dying.

I guess, no matter how strong one appears, deep down, we're all just cowards.

My parents didn't say anything either, just directed their best disapproving looks at me. Looks that, undoubtedly, I deserved. What the hell was I thinking?

What the hell was Dazai thinking?

And Fyodor? And Sigma, and Chuuya?

What were they all thinking of me?

Did they fear me as much as I feared myself?

When we arrived home, I got out of the car without much enthusiasm and changed my clothes. My parents continued with the silent treatment. I just lay on the bed, trying to contain the tears of despair and hopelessness.

I didn't feel like doing anything; I just wanted the ground to open up and swallow me, never to see the surface again. Would Dazai and Fyodor be happy about that? Would they worry about me? Would they cry for me?

Is it normal to hope for something bad to happen just to see if others truly care about you?

Unintentionally, I fell asleep. I usually don't dream, but something strange happened. I don't recall dreaming, but when I woke up, I had tears in my eyes and felt inexplicably sad.

As I sat up, I wiped my face and checked my phone. I had like a thousand messages from Ranpo and twelve missed calls.

Since I had nothing else to do and no one else to talk to, I figured I could return his calls and chat for a bit.

I thought he reached out to discuss what happened with Dazai, but I couldn't have been more wrong.

"Poe and I broke up," he immediately blurted out when I answered the call.

I was dumbfounded.

"What?"

"Poe and I broke up," he repeated. "I don't know, it's still too early. I feel like we're not mature enough to have a romantic relationship at our age."

"That's..." I stammered. "It's surprisingly mature of you to consider that. Are you okay?"

"Yeah," Ranpo didn't seem affected at all. "You know? I talked to the boss." By "boss," he meant his father, Fukuzawa. "I think it's important for parents to always be aware of these things. Trust is crucial in all relationships, of any kind, be it friendships, romances, parent-child, etc."

"And what did your dad say?"

"The same thing I thought. There's time for everything. I like Poe a lot, really. He's very intelligent and cute. Has good manners. The problem is, we're too young, and I feel like we haven't acquired enough emotional responsibility to be boyfriends, you know?"

"While we can talk things through calmly, everything will be fine. We have many things left to experience, and it's too early to decide that Poe is the love of my life. I want to get to know him better, just like I want to get to know other people. And when I see how real relationships work, I'll be ready to say that it's with him that I decide to spend my time. Boyfriend-girlfriend relationships are like writers; you can't write if you don't have knowledge of what you're writing. How could you narrate the story of a doctor if you have no clue about medicine? I'm not saying you have to study medicine to write, but at least be consistent and do some research."

"I can't be Poe's boyfriend if I don't understand well how boyfriends' relationships work. I wouldn't know if I'm doing it right or wrong, it's that simple. I want to love Poe, and I want to love him correctly. I don't want him to be my trial and error; I want him to be the end of the road, my happy ending, like in movies. That's it."

Ranpo's maturity left me speechless. Now, I perfectly understood why he was given the opportunity to skip the rest of high school and go straight to university, moreover, in a university in the United States. Luck had nothing to do with it; he was a genius, not only intellectually but emotionally as well.

"Hey, Niko," he called.

"Yes?"

"If you really think you want to be with Sigma, talk to your parents. Tell them everything, from Oguri onwards. Also, explain the true reason for your fight with Dazai. Yes, I'm aware, you know I find out everything. The point is, you must be honest, with yourself and everyone around you. Do you really want to start a relationship with Sigma?"

When the call ended, I stayed silent, curled up against the wall for a while. Then I got up. Ranpo was right. I had to be honest.

And now that I thought about it, I was completely sure I wanted to be with Sigma.

Even if he wasn't the love of my life, my destiny, or my happy ending, I wanted to try. I wanted to be with him, take the risk. Because I felt it was worth it.

My parents took it quite well. They didn't seem puzzled that I liked a guy. They agreed that I should ask Sigma to be my boyfriend, but I didn't escape punishment for the fight at school.

I told them everything, absolutely everything. From Oguri to Sigma, passing through my jealousy of Chuuya to my confusion at finding Fyodor so attractive when I almost killed him.

They understood, and they advised me, just like Ranpo said.

I made the most of the two weeks of suspension to talk with my parents about many things. I learned a lot of things I didn't know about their childhoods, their first relationships, even things I didn't know about myself, like what happened to me when I was a baby. Dad even told me about his first girlfriend, but Mom wasn't very pleased and left because she didn't want to hear it.

Every time I came home from school, Sigma sent me photos of the notebooks and helped me catch up, so I wouldn't have any pending assignments in class.

On the last day before going back to school, my parents and I had already planned a strategy for me to confess to Sigma.

Too bad my Windows restarted, and I forgot everything I was supposed to say.