20th october,2018.
Saturday.
Dear diary,
This week was not really a good one. We had our tuition classes for three days and unfortunately he didn't turn up for the classes. I was really tensed. I wanted to know the reason for him not turning up for the classes. A lot of thoughts haunted me. I decided to go with plan A that is to ask him the reason for his absenteeism. I opened my instagram and searched his account and typed the text but i was scared to send it for some reason. What if he thinks that i am flirting or trying to gain his attention. Actually i want him to know that i have a crush on him by the way i look at him or the way i treat him differently from others. I don't want him to know that by the way i speak with him. I don't know why. So i backed off from the texting him. I decided to go with plan B. As i said already my friend and my crush are speak to each other as they go to the same school so i decided to ask her about him without revealing the fact the i love him. I tried like a fifty times to know the reason but all my efforts were in vain. At last i went with the plan C. I told my friend that i have a crush on him and asked her the reason for him not turning up for the classes. She said that she didn't know and she also said that she thinks that he might have quitted the tuition classes as our teacher is very strict. Anyways i asked her to enquire him about it. It broke my heart went she said that he might have quitted the classes. She said that she would text me once he replies her text. I was staring at my phone for the whole time waiting for her reply. I fell asleep later not receiving her reply. The next morning the first thing i did was to check my phone. My heart skipped a beat when i saw her text. The  text said "He didn't turn up for the classes as he is sick."  Shock was understatement. My intuitions turned up to be true. I felt strange for the past week for some reason. I usually get weird feelings and some bad thoughts haunt my mind when i start liking or get close to someone. Something kept telling me that he was not feeling well but i just ignored the feeling as it was some kind of feeling i usually get because i care for the ones i love but this time it turned up to be true. That was the moment i realised that i really fell for mohsin. Whenever i thought of him i had this strange feeling a feel of true and pure love which i have never had for anyone. He really has an effect on me. It was hard for me to pass the week without seeing him. It's his birthday on 26th of October. His birthday coincides with my favourite series' main lead birthday. He's a scorpion. They say that scorpions are secretive in nature and they hide their pain. I guess it's true in mohsin's case because whenever i look into his eyes i can clearly see that he's trying to hide his pain with his cute smile. He always tries to keep others happy and he tries to portray himself to be happy but in real he isn't completely happy. There's something which is hurting him deep inside. To my knowledge he doesn't have many close friends but he's too close to his cousins. He considers them to be his best friends i suppose. He speaks with every girl in a friendly way but girls mistake him to be flirting but in real he isn't. He is hurt deep inside for sure. I don't know whether he will reciprocate my feelings or not but i really want to help him fight his inner demons. I want him to smile for real and be happy. I am never gonna tell him about the way i feel for him. I don't know whether he likes someone else. If he does i don't wanna be the third wheel in their relationship so i am gonna let this feeling stay inside me forever. Whenever i look into his eyes i really want to go and hug him and say that everything is going to be fine. I will wait for two more months and when i get to know for sure that he doesn't feel the same way for me i would go and shake hands with him for friendship. I wish he recovers soon from the illness. The girl who marries him would be one of the luckiest girls alive. He would never hurt one intentionally. He is of a kind. I very well know that our relationship won't work out so i don't want to comfort myself with false hopes i would rather hurt myself with the truth. My ex always use to say that he gets butterflies whenever sees me and he also says a lot of things but i have never the same way for him. I thought all these were just some stupid things which only happen in movies until i met mohsin. I thought i really loved my ex but i didn't. It was just infatuation or some kind of attraction. Mohsin really makes me feel different. As i said my heart skips a beat whenever i see him and i get butterflies in my tummy. I feel totally different. I always believed that there is nothing called true love but it is just lust or infatuation but mohsin made me believe in love. He made me believe that we get these strange feelings when we realise that we are in love. I would be thankful for mohsin for making me believe in love. I want him to be by my side forever but i also know that it isn't possible. I just hope that one day he reads these things and just gets to know about my love for him and my care for him.
Message for mohsin: If you're reading this just remember that there is a soul who really cares for you and can do anything just to see the smile on your face. If you ever feel unwanted in your life just remember that your shivi is always here for you. Love you💝.

~shivangi joshi.
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