A/N: For some reason, wattpad has locked some of the chapters of this story.  So, if you would like to read them, you need to be following me.  I'm sorry, I'm not sure why :(

It's hot outside.  It's always hot outside.  I'm ready for fall and winter, and layers and layers and layers of clothes.  I want a cozy fire and mittens instead of sweaty backs and frizzy hair.  I'm on my way to my mother's, walking through the field toward the big house, the long grass scratching against my bare legs.  It's cooled down a bit since this afternoon, but it's still humid out.

Wishing for winter makes me think of this past Christmas.  Tom had been in Los Angeles, after nearly two months away.  He was going to be around for a week, and then he was back to London for a project he was working on.  We'd all planned to meet up for dinner, and looking back now, I almost feel like I can see the cracks in his relationship with Keegan then.  Sure, there were always cracks, but it seemed more obvious than usual.

Keegan had set up a big dinner at a fancy restaurant on the ocean front.  She'd invited most of her friends, and a few of Tom's.  I'd gotten the invite shortly before it was supposed to happen, even though I had known about it for awhile.  Tom had told me about it and invited me, but Keegan was the one throwing it together, and I had only gotten a short text from her two days earlier saying I should come.  Of course, I was going to go.  I wanted to see Tom, and I had a feeling I wouldn't be able to see him during the holidays if I didn't go. 

The holidays can be especially lonely for me.  I try not to dwell on it.  I didn't want to think about my mother back at home, and the life that I could have had.  The life that I'd run away from when I'd found out it had been mostly a lie.  Life in LA was busy, but I still didn't have a family there.  I still was away from most of the people I knew the best.  And Tom was always in and out of the area, so I couldn't always depend on him to be around.

I showed up at the restaurant a few minutes early.  I was wearing a dress that was decidedly Christmas-y as it was a red off the shoulder cocktail dress with big bows at the short sleeves. I paired it with these amazing glittery gold heels I'd bought ages ago, but hadn't had anything fancy to wear them to.  I looked like a tacky little present, but I loved it. 

Instead of a formal, sit down dinner, it was more like a cocktail party, with appetizers and an open bar.  Keegan had rented out the back room of the restaurant.  At least she knew how to throw a good party.  There was music playing, and talks of karaoke later on in the night.  I knew Tom would love that.  When I got there, there was already a good amount of people milling around.  Everyone was dressed up, and my over exuberant Christmas present look was actually the norm.  There was a lot of glitter and gold and red and green.

I spotted Keegan right away.  It was hard not to.  She was dressed head to toe in a slinky, long, gold silk dress.  It had tiny little spaghetti straps that crisscrossed over her shoulders and across her slender well defined back.  She looked like a present that had been wrapped at Saks, and I looked like I'd been wrapped by a five year old.  It sort of made me laugh.

"Hi Charlie! You look adorable." She wafted over to me, her blond hair was super sleek and shiny.  She had what looked like a crown made out of holly and berries braided through the hair at the crown of her head.  It was a little over the top for me, but it worked for her.

"Hi! What a party!" I smiled and gave her a hug.  She laughed and grabbed my hand, holding it in hers.  I couldn't help but glance at her engagement ring.  It was huge and sparkly and I was pretty sure if I stared straight into it I'd go blind.

"Tom will be here any minute.  I'm so glad you could come.  I just threw this all together at the last minute." She said, flashing brilliant white teeth.  I smiled, though I knew it was a bit of a lie.  Tom had texted me about it almost a month ago.

"He didn't come with you?" I asked, taking a glass of champagne from a waiter who had a tray full of them.  I took a sip.  It was sweet and fizzy, and hit the spot.  Keegan pressed her bright red lips together and shook her head, her hair bouncing at her slender shoulders.

"No.  I wanted to make sure to get here early and take care of things.  He just got in last night, so he slept in and then he had to work a little." She said. 

"How was his trip?" I asked, glancing around the room.  Keegan and I didn't have much in common, so we often spent most of our time talking about Tom.  I saw a handful of people that were familiar to me. A few of Tom's friends that were nice, and who I'd had dinner with a couple times. 

"Good.  He seems sort of tired.  But he's been traveling a lot.  He was in Northern Ireland for a shoot, and then he was in Paris for two weeks for promotional stuff." She huffed and took a sip from her glass. 

"Paris at Christmas must be amazing." I smiled.  Unfortunately, I'd never really been outside of the US except for a short trip to Canada with a school group when I'd been a senior and our trip to Cabo a few years ago. 

"He said it was nice.  I was so pissed at him though.  He didn't bring me anything from Paris.  All those amazing stores and designers, and he couldn't bring me something back from Chanel?  That man is slipping." She rolled her eyes and brought her hands up to a necklace.  She ran it through her fingers, rubbing it with her perfectly manicured hands.  It was a gold circular pendant with pave set diamonds.  Lots of them.

"That's gorgeous, is that new?" I nodded toward her necklace.  Keegan looked down, as if she'd forgotten she was wearing it.

"Oh, yeah.  Tom gave it to me.  He got it in Paris.  It's some sort of antique." She shook her shoulders.  "It's pretty and all, but couldn't he get me something new?" She laughed and I blinked rapidly a few times.  I had to bite my lip to keep from spewing obscenities at her.

"I thought you said...Tom didn't get you anything.  That's a beautiful necklace." And probably ridiculously expensive. I tried to hide the confusion in my voice, but it was difficult.  Very difficult.  Keegan tossed back the rest of her drink and nodded.

"Right, I meant I wanted something like Chanel or Hermes." She stared at me for a few seconds, as if waiting for me to go "Oh! I get it!"  She was going to have to wait for a very long time.  I didn't get it. At all.  She seemed to sense my disapproval of how extremely unappreciative she was and she just stared at me, as if she were trying to read my mind. 

After a minute, she nodded toward the tables of appetizers, as well as what looked like some sort of chocolate fountain.

"Help yourself to some food." Keegan said with a sharp smile, and patted me on the shoulder as she walked away. 

By the time Tom showed up, I was three glasses of champagne in and feeling terrible.  There are different kinds of drunk.  There's happy, flirty, silly drunk, where your whole life is wonderful and butterflies are flying out of your bum.  There's sloppy, crazy, horny drunk where you end up making out with the guy from your class that's sort of weird and talks about dinosaurs way too much (this happened to a friend, not me, I swear).  And then there's the angry, grumpy, disgruntled drunk.  That was me that night.  Keegan had set me off in a terrible spiral.  Despite being a human Christmas present, I was full of sarcasm and vitriol and spent a good portion of the night seeing if I could sneak home any food in my purse.  Verdict: No to the goat cheese crostini, yes to the crab balls, no to the mango tuna sashimi. 

I was chatting with Henry Gray (who's house I'd passed out at, and Tom had streaked naked through before jumping into his pool) and his girlfriend, who's name I had been trying to remember all night, when Tom showed up.  He was wearing a black suit.  Black suit, black tie, white shirt, shiny black shoes.  Simple, elegant, effortless.  Total potato.  I stuffed a crab ball in my mouth when he walked in.  People immediately swarmed him, saying their 'Hello's!' and 'Merry Christmas'.  Keegan was attached to his arm immediately, playing the perfect part of the gorgeous girlfriend to an equally gorgeous celebrity.  I stayed in my corner, alternating between crab balls and sips of champagne, just watching Tom greet everyone.

He made his way around the whole room, chatting and telling stories to his friends.  They all loved him. He was just that sort of person.  People genuinely love him. It's not fake.  They will bend over backward for him.  And I don't think it's because he's famous.  It's because he's a genuine person as well.  And those kinds are hard to find, especially in a town like Los Angeles. So when people see that he's the real deal, they gravitate toward him.  He's got old friends from school back in London, friends who have known him since he was a boy.  Those are the people I know he really connects with.  But I can tell there are a lot of people here that care about him.

I was beginning to think I was just a lonely little invisible figure in the corner, wearing a frilly red dress and gold hooker heels, when Tom looked up from whatever conversation he was in, and he looked right at me.  I was a little tipsy, so I'm pretty certain he looked at me.  I smiled, trying to hide how drunk I was, but it was probably a lopsided, cheesy grin.  He smiled at me, and then pulled a face, as if he were annoyed that he hadn't been able to come over yet.  I shrugged, letting him know it was okay.

Almost half an hour passed and though I was dying to talk to him, he'd been busy the whole time.  I was starting to get a little antsy, so I grabbed another champagne and decided to go out onto the little deck for some fresh air.  I was surprised that no one else was out there when I stepped outside, closing the frosted glass door behind me.  It was chilly out, but nothing like December in Maryland.  I was missing that as well.  Snow, changes in weather.  In Los Angeles, a day in December wasn't totally different from a day in May.  I missed seasons.

The deck was wide and open, with a fancy glass wall around the whole perimeter, which meant that it didn't block any view of the ocean.  It was dark out, but the restaurant had little twinkly lights strung from one side to the other of the deck.  I considered leaving in a few minutes, just slipping out the side and apologizing to Tom later.  Crowds aren't necessarily my thing, and I couldn't get Keegan out of my head.  She could be infuriating.

I finished my glass of champagne and had decided that I was going to do the ol' Irish exit, when the door to the deck opened up.  Tom walked out, looking totally handsome and practically glowing.  He does well around crowds of people.  Really well.

"There you are." He breathed out, and then in again, taking in the fresh, salty ocean air.  I leaned against the glass railing, setting down my empty glass.

"Here I am." I smiled.  He was carrying two glasses of champagne in one hand and a paper bag in another.  He set down the bag and then walked over to me, handing me the glass.

"You've been hiding, Charles." He raised an eyebrow, lowering his face slightly.  I rolled my eyes and crossed an arm over my middle.

"I've been here all along, Harrison.  I just was waiting for you to calm the masses." I gestured to the restaurant, and where everyone else was inside dancing and having a good time.  Tom grinned.  He looked pale, and his hair was a bit long, and reddish brown.  I hadn't asked him what he'd been working on, but I'd never seen it look like that before.  I reached up, brushing back a strand of his hair.  He had almost a full beard, though it was trimmed neatly.  That was something new too.

We both took a step closer, hugging each other for the first time in two months.  He wrapped his arms around me and squeezed, bending slightly at the knees in the way he always did. 

"You look lovely.  Like a little Christmas present." He pulled back and touched the bow at my shoulder.  I chuckled.

"I thought I'd get in the spirit."

"You hate the spirit." He grinned.  I nodded

"Well, I wanted to look nice for your party, then." I shrugged.  He nodded.

"And you succeeded."

"Thank you.  You look good too.  Ireland does you good.  Though this hair is something new." I tilted my head, taking in the sight of his face.  With the beard, he was all gingery and it made his already prominent cheekbones seem to stand out more.  He looked a little older, more distinguished. 

"It's for the movie.  I'll go back to normal after the holidays." He looked away, smiling and perhaps a bit bashful.  I took a sip of my drink.

"I've missed you.  Alice packed up two dozen croissants to take to the shelter yesterday because you weren't there to eat them." I shifted in my heels, suddenly very anxious to get home and take them off.  Tom watched me do my little shoe dance, and he shook his head.

"I am but one man, Charlie. I can't eat all the croissants all the time." He chuckled softly. "You should take off the shoes, you know you want to." He reached forward, tapping me on the hip.  I laughed. 

"I don't know why I even wear heels." I sighed.

"Me either." He rolled his eyes.  "What are you doing for Christmas?" He asked.  I pressed my lips together.  Truth: Sitting at home, eating mashed potatoes and watching Love Actually for the hundredth time.

Answer for Tom: "Nothing much.  Alice invited me to dinner with her family, so I may go with her." I forced a smile, and tried not to think about the fact that my apartment did not have a Christmas tree, and how my family was thousands of miles away, and how I didn't know when I'd be able to convince myself to go back to Maryland.

"Are you really going to go?" Tom asked.  I smiled.  A sad little smile.

"Who knows."

"I'd invite you to come with me but I'm going out to dinner with Keegan's family." He looked at me regretfully, his face mirroring my sad little smile.

"They go out? They don't make dinner and eat at someone's house?  All gathered around a tiny dining room table? Stuffing you face til you're going to pop?" I ask with a smile.

"No.  Her family isn't really...like that.  At least I got a real Christmas dinner when I was in London.  Mum cooked for me, since she knew I'd be spending Christmas here." He smiled, and again it was a sad smile.  We seemed to be full of them that night.

"Your mom is so sweet." I said softly.  I'd met his mom countless times.  She was a wonderful, kind woman.  It was easy to see why Tom turned out the way he did.

"Why don't you go home to Maryland, Charlie?" He asked. I shrugged.

"What's the point." I didn't want to talk about it.  At the time, he hadn't known much.  Not nearly as much as he knows now. 

"Well, I hope you have a Happy Christmas, Charlie." He sensed that I didn't want to talk about it and graciously changed the subject. 

"Thank you. You too." I smiled. "I think I'm going to head home, if it's okay.  These heels are killing me!" I said, forcing a laugh.  Tom nodded, his eyes searching mine. 

"I'll walk you to your car." He offered, holding out his arm. I shook my head, pushing his arm away.

"No, go back to your party.  I can get to my car.  It's not exactly a bad neighborhood." I raised an eyebrow at him, and stood my ground.  He was quiet for a minute and then nodded, knowing he wasn't going to win this one.

"Oh!" Tom suddenly exclaimed, holding up a hand. "I almost forgot.  I got you something in Paris.  A little present for my little present." He grinned, big and happy.  I couldn't help but smile. That was the Tom I was used too, not the sad smile Tom.

"Why?" I laughed, watching him as he walked over to one of the tables, picking up the plain brown bag he'd carried out with him. 

"Because." He said simply.  He reached into the bag and pulled out a cream colored box, with gold filigree and writing all over it.  It looked fancy.  My brow furrowed, trying to figure out what it was.  He flipped the box around and held it out in front of him.

"Oh my goodness." I said, my eyes getting huge as I read the writing on the front.

"Oh my macarons." He grinned.  He'd brought me back macarons from Ladurée, which is essentially the birth place of the little, lovely, delicate confections.  My hands went to my mouth, and I couldn't even begin to hide my childlike glee.  It is a little silly to get so excited over a cookie, but Ladurée is basically the god of macarons.  And I'd never had one before.  I'd only heard of their majesty.  I'd even waxed on poetically about them to Tom on multiple occasions.  Apparently, he was listening.

"I can't believe you..." I looked up at him, and Tom laughed.

"Happy Christmas, sweet." He chuckled.  I reached forward and hugged him, wrapping my arms around his neck and pulling him in tight.  He laughed with surprise, and then hugged me back. 

"Thank you.  You're too much." I whispered in his ear.  He laughed softly and then pulled back, our faces brushing by each other.  We stood close for a moment, and then he pressed a kiss to my cheek.

"Shall we?" He asked, holding out the box of macarons that were still in his hand.  I nodded and focused back in on the colorful, sandwiched cookies.

"What are the flavors?" I whispered, as if we were around royalty. 

"Let's see...ahh, they told me but let's see if I can remember." He smiled boyishly at me.  "Those are frambroise—raspberry." He started pointing out each flavor.  "We've got café—coffee, fraise menthole—strawberry mint, pomme vert—green apple, caramel a la fleur de sel—caramel with sea salt...and my personal favorite, petale de rose—rose petal."  He smiled gently, pointing to a pink macaron.  I smiled and I took one of the rose petal macarons, and he did the same.

"Thank you.  This has made my night. Macarons and having you home." I held up the pink cookie and smiled.  He gently tapped his against mine.

"Cheers, darling.  Did you miss me, Charlie?" He asks with a playful smile.  I nod, and we take bites from our cookies.  They are delicious—crisp on the outside, soft and chewy on the inside.  The flavor is amazing—sweet and floral and delicate.  We both make grateful noises and I wrap one arm around his waist and lean into him, savoring the sweet.

"Yes, I missed you a lot.  I was worried I wouldn't see you before Christmas."  I squeezed his side and he popped the rest of the macaron in his mouth.  He hugged me back and we walked slowly across the deck.  Things felt right again in the world, with him near.  We slowly start walking back to my car, even though I had told him I didn't want him walking me.  He often finds a way to get what he wants.

"Well, Charlie, I would not wish any companion in the world but you." He grinned and looked down at me.  I smiled and take a deep breath.  He was quoting Shakespeare, but he wasn't drunk.  He was just feeling sentimental it seemed.  I just smiled, enjoying the fact that he was there with me. We finished the short walk in silence and stopped in front of my car.

"Have a good holiday, Tom." I turned to him as I pulled my keys out of my clutch.  He nodded and handed me the fancy box of cookies.

"You too, Charlie." He leaned down and kissed my cheek.  I turned my head and kissed his as well, my lips brushing over the stubble on his cheek.  I giggled, pressing a hand to my mouth..

"That beard is something else."

"You don't like it?" He frowned slightly.  I shook my head.

"It looks nice.  You look...manly." I snorted and Tom's frown deepened.  "It's just a little scratchy." I shrugged.  He nodded.

"Keegan always complains about it.  I'll shave it off soon." He promised.  I push the thoughts of Tom's beard annoying Keegan far, far out of my head. Ew.

"Okay, well...maybe I'll see you at New Years." I suddenly felt very tired.  And lonely.  A thought passed through my head that I could call one of the many dudes that had been calling and leaving me messages.  Men that I'd gone on one or two dates with, but didn't really have any intention of calling back.  It was a bad idea.  A temporary, physical rush that wouldn't keep me from feeling lonely.  It would probably only intensify it.

"Yes, I'll see you at New Years. Save me a kiss." He grinned.  I rolled my eyes and got into my car.  Tom waved goodbye, and then started to make his way back into the party.  I remember sitting in my car for ten minutes after he left, feeling like I couldn't move.  I didn't want to go home to my quiet, empty apartment.  I didn't want to go back inside to a room full of people that I hardly knew.

The truth was, I'd only wanted to spend time with one person.  And at the time, he was about to get married to someone else.  So, I had eventually driven home and then sat in bed and old Christmas movies on cable.  I ate half the macarons, slowly, letting the sugar dissolve on my tongue as I stared blankly at the glowing screen, wondering why something so sweet suddenly tasted so bitter.