curiosity becomes a heavy load, too heavy to hold (will force you to be cold)

pairing: kenny omega x reader

plot: kenny's been really distant lately. was it because he's busy or something else entirely?

genre: angst

warning: possible cheating (neither confirmed nor denied), mentions of knives and blood as a metaphor

word count: 2k

author's note: i'm not really too happy with this. usually i cry really easily, but this didn't make me cry. i don't know if it's because i'm just going through a phase of being unable to be sad and cry (those happens to me sometimes) or if this just.. sucks.. i want y'alls honest opinion (i am dead serious. you can tell me on anon if you want)

if this is actually bad, i'll probably take a break. maybe my mind just needs to recharge or something since i've been writing so much. idk.

votes, likes, and reblogs appreciated!

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you frowned when kenny slipped out of the house without saying those three words back to you. it was so unlike him. to be completely honest, he's been different for a few weeks now. your only guess as to why was because he's been busy. you've never questioned him about it, mostly because you really did believe it was only because he was busy and nothing else and if that were the case, you didn't want to stress him out further with your prodding and probing. instead, you sat back and let him take his time, sat back and made him his favorite meal to help your boyfriend destress, and sat back and let him be the one to approach you first.

but he never did.

what worried you was the fact that he seemed completely normal when hanging out with everyone else, with his friends, with his coworkers, and with the new girl alisa -- the newest member of the health team in aew. you wondered if the reason why that is was because he only felt comfortable to be so vulnerable with you and no one else. that was the most probable reason, so you decided that tomorrow, you'd be talking to him finally and asking what was wrong with him, if he was secretly going through something and needed your support, or if the pressure was getting too much on his shoulders. after all, you know your boyfriend is strong - physically and mentally-wise, but there was only so much one person can take.

that night, you ran him a bath with rose petals and your best bath bomb. you sat at the edge of the tub and scratched along his scalp -- something you knew he loved. often times, he'd fall asleep to you doing that and if you stopped too soon, he'd be whining for you and nuzzling into your hand, missing the way your nails feel as they're running through his curls. one day, you told him doing that were running his hair, separating one curl from the other. he said he didn't care, that it felt too good, too comfortable and he didn't have it in him to ask you to stop.

and that was still the case. the only difference was that there was less talking now. usually while his eyes were closed in bliss, he'd be muttering about how nice it felt, how he'd love to pay for your nails just because that's probably feel better. then he'd open his eyes and tell you the sweetest of sweet nothings.

tonight, there was none of that. the only sound that could be heard was the water in the tub and the sound of kenny's hair being fiddled with. the silence wasn't awkward though, or at least that's what you thought.

at random times, you'd ask him a question about his day, how it went, if he got more good news than bad news. he didn't act like he was very interested, responding in one word answers you can't respond to because, well, they were so simple you couldn't strike up a conversation with them.

for some reason you couldn't comprehend why, connecting with kenny had just been completely and utterly difficult. it had never been like that before. maybe it was because back then, you two worked to solve your issues as one, where now, it's mostly you. kenny simply avoided you. avoided some of the problems in the process, but avoided you nonetheless.

you went to bed with a frown on your lips as you laid on your side of the bed.

for the first time in a long while, kenny's arms weren't around you as he slept. he didn't care, he didn't even notice. in place of that, you were staring at his t-shirt covered back, tears starting to prick at the corner of your eyes at the scene unfolding in front of you. you wanted to reach out to him, to be able to feel his smooth skin on your fingertips, but for some reason unknown to you, it felt wrong. it felt like he was going to pull away or tense up if you did it so you retracted your hand when it was hovering over his back.

you knew what was happening, that the end of your relationship was near because while it might have been stress-related, kenny's behavior, it wasn't like him to not talk to you, even when you were the one to initiate the conversation, especially when it's been for such a long time, and especially when he's been acting the same when he's alongside people who aren't you. still, you didn't want to accept it. it was a hard pill to swallow since you've been together for five years now. your bond shouldn't, shouldn't break so easily.

you couldn't sleep from overthinking, mind racing a million miles per hour and your tears fell even faster. each sniffle, each heartwrenching sob, kenny heard it every single one of them. after all, he's thinking about what's happening in this relationship too. he doesn't want this to end, doesn't want to throw away everything you've worked on - each compromise, sacrifice, all the yelling and fighting in the past, he doesn't want them to be for nothing - but it was like he didn't have a choice. it certainly didn't stop him from pretending to be asleep while you were crying just a few centimeters from him. that was really the reason why he knew that this is coming to an end -- the way he can easily reach out to you and comfort you, he can stand to see you cry, doesn't feel the overwhelming need to hold you in his arms and kiss you on the lips anymore, he can see his future without you anywhere in it other than playing the role of another ex lover, another flame he was able to put out.

the morning rose and so did you, eyes swollen from all the crying you did, yet still pretended that everything was alright. kenny marveled at you, how you're so good at hiding your feelings. if the evidence of your poured feelings yesterday night wasn't plastered on your face, if he didn't hear you, he probably would have thought everything was sunshine and rainbows on your part.

breakfast and lunch went normally, well, the last few week's normal, at least. and now, you were eating alone and kenny was somewhere you didn't really know -- he said he was going to be in the health facility he was rehabilitating at, but you knew his schedule, knew that he was dismissed at two in the afternoon and now it's nearing seven. you wondered where he was, if he was stuck in traffic, had an emergency meeting, in the arms of someone else. you doubted that he'd do that, but you didn't know what to believe and not to believe in anymore.

as always, on cue, he comes back at ten in the evening. you were long done cooking and this night in particular, you were quite done with waiting for him to get home before eating as well. not that he notices because whenever you try to talk to him during these times, he ignores you, tuning out your voice and thinking about different things -- things that didn't circulate or had anything to do with you or your relationship in the slightest. one time though, he felt guilty. while he wasn't really listening, he could still hear you, hear your voice getting lower when you realized no one was listening to you gush about something you held close to your heart. he could do nothing other than utter a (not) heartfelt apology.

dinner waited for him in the microwave and you were no where to be seen.

and so while you were crying to yourself in the bedroom, mustering up the courage to ask him about what was happening, about where he was mentally, whether he still wanted this, he ate dinner in silence. the only sound to be heard was his phone beep, beep, beeping every time he got a new message.

"kenny."

he thought you were already asleep because it's been a long while since he got home and you never showed your presence. but you weren't. you were far from it.

your voice, tense and sharp when barking out his name sent chills down his spine. he couldn't help the way he gulped as he turned to you.

"yeah, [y/n]?"

"what are we?"

and there it was, the question that's been in both of your heads for so long now.

"what'd you mean?"

"you know exactly what i mean."

he took a deep sigh and looked at you right in the eye, then swiftly looked away. in sadness, in guilt, maybe. he couldn't put his finger on it. the only think he was sure of was that he didn't like the heavy feeling weighing down on his chest -- the weight of the knowledge of knowing that this is the end. he knows he doesn't feel the same way about you anymore, but the feeling in his heart is still bleak.

"you probably already know," as always, he was considerate. in his mind, you didn't have to hear it. he thought that having you know was painful enough, you didn't have to go through hearing it from your soon-to-be-ex-lover's lips too. but for some sick reason, you wanted to. "say it."

"but you already know." it was cruel to put you through this.

"i don't care. i need to hear you say it. i need the closure. i need to know that this isn't just because of stress. that you really..."

well, you didn't have to finish the sentence. it spoke loud and clear all by itself.

"i don't.. love you anymore."

there it was, the stab in your chest, twisting and turning in your heart. you felt the searing hot knife get pulled out and the red fluid of life seep out of you. you audibly choked out a breath and clutched your chest because it really felt like someone just punched you in the chest.

kenny had to tear his gaze away from you, your eyes void of the color he used to use to paint his whole life and future with. although he may not be in love with you anymore, the love between the two of you remained -- it's just that now, on his side, it's just as friends. kenny is kenny. he cares about the people he loves and he absolutely hates hurting them, but in your case, he doesn't have a choice, unless he pretends to love you which never results in anything good.

"why?"

"i don't know.." he trails off, looking for an answer, any answer. he doesn't seem to find any.

"kenny i've wasted so many years of my life on you. i deserve better than 'i don't know'"

he'd be lying if he said that didn't hurt -- you saying you wasted the time you've spent with him, but he reminds himself that you're hurt and not in the best mindset. it's not like he's been the best person to you either.

"i can't really say anything, [y/n]. you were perfect. you were everything i've wanted, but i don't know. as time passed i just fell out of love with you." he pressed his lips into a thin line. he really didn't want to say that, put you through more than he already was.

you didn't speak for a long time, speechless with tears running down your cheeks as you stared into the empty space in front of you. kenny took that as his signal to leave, fearing that he might hurt you even more.

"look, i'll just leave for tonight, alright? i'm sorry it had to end this way. i really did love you."

and if your heart and soul was a cat, then you could say with the utmost certainty that curiousity killed the cat.