⊱ ───────── ⊰

A MONTH OR SO LATER, I'M IN MIYAGI AGAIN.

and also again, i am standing in the stands as an audience member, watching and cheering for aoba johsai, particularly their setter and captain. 

it's still autumn, though winter has begun to creep up on us and everyone notices, including oikawa, who swaddled me in coats and scarves and gloves. 

i nearly smile at the memory, but stop myself once i see that seijoh has lost yet another point. it's the final part of the game; the third set. 

i watch as, with each point being stolen by the other team, oikawa slowly begins to unravel as he gets pushed like never before and the chances of him going to nationals become slimmer and slimmer.

the ball drops for the final time. 

and then seijoh loses.

and the possibility of oikawa's hard work for three years amounting to nothing becomes a fact. 

and he didn't even lose to his nemesis, ushijima and the rest of shiratorizawa, but rather his junior and his team of 'clipped crows'.

the whistle is blown, and the teams are called to line up and bow, thanking their supporters. there are many tears. from my cousin, who's undoubtedly blaming himself for not being able to land a finishing spike and from the other teammates, also blaming themselves for the small errors and mistakes dotted throughout the games. even some audience members are crying, the seijoh support team who had been by their side since the beginning.

but strangely enough, there are no tears from oikawa. 

not yet, anyway. 

my chest tightens. 

he just looks fazed, in utter disbelief that it's over. 

everything is over. 

⊱ ───────── ⊰

the next week, oikawa barely leaves his room. i end up spending more time at his house than hajime's, trying to distract him from his loss by putting on several alien movies and convincing him to be properly hydrated. 

he went to school once and never went again, saying that it was unbearable to face his teammates who had put so much trust in him. especially hajime. 

his skin is beginning to get a waxy tinge, and his hair, his precious hair, has begun to flatten and become unruly.

exactly one week after he lost to karasuno, when we're in the middle of watching a documentary on how aliens are real for the fourth time, i sigh. "you need to go outside, oikawa."

"i don't want to," he replies hoarsely. 

i stand up and cross my arms. "you don't have a choice. c'mon, i already bought us tickets for that pop-up ice-skating rink in the city."

"really?" surprisingly, his eyes light up and he sits upright. "okay, i'll come! i'll have a chance to show off my skills!"

and that's how the two of us end up in the middle of the city as the sun is beginning to set and the lights are flickering on. to my relief, only a few people are skating, leaving the rink mostly vacant. 

oikawa, walks up the the rink's entry with utter grace, opening the door. i smile, thinking that in a few seconds he would leap and twirl across the ice, bursting into the full poise of figure skater as he described to me on our way here. 

but then he falls.

actually, the correct term would be flop, as he lands on his stomach with a dreadful thud, garnering looks and laughs from people nearby.

i, too struggle to contain my laughter. "i thought you said you were a figure skater?"

"oh, be quiet!" oikawa waves a fist at me, but it does not look at intimidating as he thought it to be, especially when he only ends up skidding across the ice again. 

"the great oikawa tooru, incapable of skating?" i laugh and tease as i step onto the ice and begin to skate, the cold air biting and rushing against my skin and tangling itself in my hair. i offer my hand to him, which he grudgingly accepts as he stands up.

"i've never been skating before," he reluctantly admits, his face flushing a bright red. "i-i just thought it would be easy. i never imagined you would be better than me."

i cross my arms, moving my hand away from his and he fretfully grabs onto my shoulder instead. "why would this be so surprising?"

"because i'm more athletic than you!" 

i uncross my arms, and his hand drops down to mine. "please. who's the person that's barely left his bed in the past week?"

"hmph," oikawa rolls his eyes. "so rude, ki-chan! aren't you supposed to be teaching me how to skate?"

i sigh and relent. unsurprisingly, oikawa starts getting the hang of it after an hour. as his movements become quicker and more graceful, he starts coming to life again, the wind fluffing up his hair and the coldness bringing a rosy colour to his previously pale face. 

it is exhilaratingly fun to forever skate and twirl and spin with the other, and as we get addicted to even the freezing weather, we lose track of time and end up being the last people in the rink. 

it is worth it though, because in addition to the thrills and laughter, and even though it isn't winter yet, i see the first white speck floating in the night sky. 

we witness the first snowfall for miyagi this year, hands together and his head leaning on my shoulder as he pokes his tongue out, trying to catch a snowflake like a child.

the snow keeps coming; and eventually we move out of the ice rink to play in the snow; snowball fights and making snowmen, and i find myself enjoying it more than i should. 

eventually, after many hours, exhaustion catches up and we collapse onto the ground, now covered with the soft snow. 

in the distance, i see a plane fly over us and i faintly wonder if the passengers inside have lives just as vivid and complex as ours. would they too have moments like these, when it seems like time stops just for you and your lover and everything else is just a distant blur? 

i glance over and see that oikawa is waving his arms to make a snow angel, his tongue still out to catch some snowflakes. selfishly, i think that i would like to keep all these moments and feelings for myself and nobody else. 

"thanks for dragging me out, ki-chan," oikawa also turns his head to properly look at me. "even though it didn't go according to my plan."

"oh?" i muse. "and what was your plan?"

"to be better than you at ice-skating, obviously!" oikawa flushes. "and i thought you suck at it, so i could have the opportunity of teaching you while you clutched onto me like you needed me."

i laugh harder than i should. "oh, how that backfired."

"shut up!" oikawa exclaims before his voice drops to a whisper. "but seriously, thank you."

i smile and would've believed that oikawa is started to get over nationals, if it weren't for the fact that all of his smiles were fake.

⊱ ───────── ⊰

the next day, i find oikawa alone in his school gym at midnight, being told so by hajime to drag him back to his house. 

the setter doesn't hear the gym doors open as i enter, his back facing me and his face tilted down to a volleyball clutched tightly in his hands. 

"hello?" i venture. 

oikawa turns around quickly, dropping the volleyball to the polished ground as he wipes his eyes. "oh, ki-chan, i didn't hear you-"

i interrupt him by locking him into an embrace, "you can cry around me. please don't hide it."

and so he doesn't, the pent up frustration and bitterness at himself overflowing in the form of tears. it is heart wrenching, the sound of his sobs echoing throughout the entire gym. i've heard it before over call, but in person it is worse. 

what's even worse is that i don't know what to say. i've always told him to work harder and use his loss as motivation for the next tournament, but now there's no more next tournament. there's no more next years or second chances. it's completely over. 

should i say that he did his best? but then that would just be telling him that his best wasn't good enough. that is the ugly, horrible truth. 

his best wasn't good enough. 

[he wasn't good enough.]

[or maybe he was?

and it was just my fault, because he is one of my loved ones and unfortunate events are bound to happen to those who love me.]

oikawa must've known what i was thinking, because he cups my face and whispers, "it's not your fault. please don't blame yourself. i think that would hurt even more."

"but," i stammer. "but what if more things like these happen because of me? what if i...what if i ruin your career?"

"kichona," he murmurs softly. "i already told you to not blame yourself. as long as i have you, everything will be okay."

maybe it's because oikawa is already crying or perhaps it's because his words are so comforting that i tear up. "how can you be so sure?"

"because," he plants a tender kiss on my forehead. "i'm with you."

we remain still for the next few minutes, arms wrapped, foreheads touching and taking in each other's presence.

and although we're both crying, it is a moment i know i will cherish.

especially when oikawa shoots me the biggest (genuine) smile i've ever seen.

[ a/n last chapter, but an epilogue will be coming! ]