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'MONOTONE' WAS APPARENTLY A GOOD WORD TO DESCRIBE ME.

according to gokana. and since she was my best friend, i believed her because everything i did was in black and white. my social skills? boring. my looks? plain. my personality? bland. 

[monotone.]

i'm completely monotonous. 

tokyo was monotonous too. the repetitive skyscrapers, dull roads and neutral clothes that blended into a blur, colors fading and caving in to the black and white. 

fukurodani, save for bokuto's bright personality, akaashi's eyes and gokana's golden hair, was also monotonous. the school cycle repeating each week, each student telling themselves to make it through the week and then a whole new weeks starts.

i know there is some color in tokyo. 

[there must be.]

i've grown tired of gokana and her friends being chatty and energized, envy starting to creep in as i ache to see the colors they see. 

and then i find an explosion of colour in miyagi, in the orchids that hajime's mother adores, the turquoise of seijoh's volleyball uniform and lastly, the ice-cream store i never dreamed about visiting again. 

but then all colour i've gathered has begun to rapidly fade as all i can think about are my parents, my parents, my parents. father, once trying to impress mother. mother, trying to look beautiful for father.

father, dead. mother, the living dead.

[but both think i'm a monster.]

i blink and suddenly i'm living a cliché scene, staring into eyes colored a light coffee that i would drink until i'm drunk.

"are you okay, ki-chan?" oikawa asks me as the other third years take a seat at the table in the corner. 

i'm aware that oikawa is close.

[too close.]

but then a chair scrapes against the floor as hajime arrives and realizes exactly what ice-cream store we have stumbled into since he sometimes accompanied my immediate family. "oh, shit. kichona, we can leave now if you want-"

hajime sends oikawa a pointed look indicating that this, and my reasoning for my feelings, is private and the captain nods before sitting down.

"no," i shake my head, and i mean it. "hajime, i'm fine."

a moment passes and i can see his jaw clenching, pondering what the right decision is. i smile faintly. "you don't have to decide for me, you know."

"i know," he sighs. "alright, but if you feel uncomfortable by the memories this place brings, you can leave whenever you want."

so we take a seat, me ending up between both hajime and oikawa again. a waitress comes and we place our orders, everyone opting for a sandwich and a mini ice-cream tube. 

"oh, can i get the caramel spider instead of the ice-cream?" i ask, voicing my childhood favorite that was a must every time i came here as a child and probably the reason why i ended up with three cavities in my teeth.

my sweet tooth had disappeared over the time i grew up at tokyo since mother and father rarely took me out to restaurants or even cafes. so i figured it was due time i would reclaim this childhood treat. 

"wait, get two straws for that!" oikawa jumps in. he grins at me, "i'll just have a quick sip, that's all. if that's okay with you, ki-chan?"

"sure," i nod.

the waitress scribbles it down, recites our order and once it's been double-checked, she leaves into the kitchen. 

the conversation takes a turn to the romance anime, toradora, the third years had started watching together.

sensing my uncomfort at not knowing the show enough to talk about it, oikawa leans over and whispers, "i know what i'll call you. ki-chan when we're out in public. emo-chan when we're talking over the phone and when we're alone."

"why would we be alone?" i say before realizing that that's occurred a few times in the mere few days i've been here. "and why can't you call me wakara-san? or even waka-chan?"

oikawa visibly grimaces and disgust adorns his face. "'waka-chan' reminds me of ushiwaka, that horrid ace."

"the captain of shiratorizawa?"

"yes, the one with the punchable face," an irk mark appears. "i don't want to call my ki-chan a name that belongs to a foul creature."

"if you say so," i laugh, amused. "and i'm not yours, oikawa."

"but i'm yours, so you must be mine," he smirks, a complete turnaround of the childish teenager and to my embarrassment, my cheeks redden. 

before i can decide if he's serious or not, the waitress comes back with the spider, plonking the glass down on the table in front of oikawa and i.

two scoops of vanilla ice-cream floats in some type of soft drink with a gorgeous hue of caramel drizzled on top.

[ the same hue as oikawa's eyes. ]

[ i don't know how i know that. ]

i take one of the paper straws poking out and sip. the chilled beverage is incredibly sweet, it's a wonder how i once, somehow, drank three glasses of this in one day.

i lean in to take another sip when there's a flash of movement next to me, and all of a sudden, a de ja vu occurs as a familiar scene replays once again. the scene, popular in romantic dramas and books where the male moves just in time so the leads end up staring at each other in some wonder.

oikawa is too close again.

but despite my heart racing, my dry mouth and red cheeks, i don't mind that.

[i like staring into the caramel, smooth and blissful and warm.]

and with a ridiculously smooth move, my hand somehow ends up in his, below the table where no one can see. 

but despite my head clouding, i don't mind that.

[i like holding his larger-than-mine hand, comforting and safe and warm.]

and unintentionally, i squeeze his fingers. oikawa, who i take satisfaction in seeing a small blush on his face too, mirrors my actions. 

and then this jolts me out of the stupor. 

we both untangle our fingers and separate ourselves, averting our gaze from each other like the flustered mess we are. and it's nice to know that oikawa gets flustered too.

i half expect to see hanamaki and matsukawa teasing us and hajime staring, but hanamaki and matsukawa are too busy seeing who can finish their ice-cream first and hajime is occuppied unwrapping etsuko's sandwich wrap.

etsuko, however, notices this scene between oikawa and i.

but she doesn't glare like those crazy exes from the books, but rather she smiles in amusement before turning to talk to hajime. 

i expect her to bring this up, and she does, later on in the day when we've ditched the ice-cream store and the two of us are lagging behind the rest of the group when the sun is about to set, casting spells on the sky just before it does. 

"so," etsuko says slyly, nudging me with her elbow. "you and oikawa-kun, huh?"

when i say nothing and instead avert my gaze in embarrassment, she continues, "not to be a little miss know-it-all, but i knew it. you two really do have something going on."

"but is it really something?" i ask her, slightly frustrated. "oikawa's flirtatious by nature. you know that better than anyone. what if he's just acting like that because-"

"that's the way he is?" etsuko finishes for me, a knowing look in her eyes and i nod. "believe me, i really do know better than anyone. it is quite a haunting thought that he's just messing around with you. but you shouldn't worry.

"iwaizumi-kun and i are close enough to that dumpster to know that whatever you have with oikawa-kun is genuine from both sides. plus, he didn't flirt with takeru's teacher or the waitress at the ice-cream store.

"but then again, if he ever happens to lead you on or be a douchebag in general, don't hesitate to tell iwaizumi-kun and i. we'll pop his kneecaps for you!"

"why, thank you," i laugh because the look in etsuko's eyes tells me that she really will do that. for me. even though we don't know each other that well.

"you're welcome," she smiles.

the whole groups stops and i realize we've reached a fork in the road. hanamaki and matsukawa instantly go left after bidding farewell. i'm about to go right with oikawa and hajime (since oikawa's staying the night again) when i realize that hajime isn't walking with us, rather waiting with etsuko.

"i, uh," hajime coughs as a blush spreads across his face. "i'm spending the night at etsuko's. you see, we're going to watch toradora and i also wanted to see her cat for the longest time-"

"you don't have to explain why, hajime," i chuckle, though i know that if they really were going to watch toradora, hanamaki and matsukawa would be with them too. "have fun."

"will you be okay?" hajime asks. "my parents had an emergency at work, so they won't be coming home until tomorrow. it'll just be you and oikawa."

"i'm fine," i smile gently. "i trust oikawa."

for someone who's popular among girls, oikawa sure does blush brightly.

"call me if you need something," hajime says before waving. "and no funny business, you two!"

"you're one to talk," oikawa sticks out his tongue.

"wait, don't you need to pick up your stuff from your house?"

"no, because most of it's been left at etsu-chan's from the last time," oikawa says smugly. the way that etsuko and hajime's face turn red tells me all i need to know.

i laugh, "well then, i'll see you two tomorrow."

we depart our separate ways, and now it's just oikawa and i walking towards the iwaizumi's house as the sunset makes oikawa's pale skin glow a soft pink.

"so, etsuko-san and hajime," i begin. "are they dating?"

"not yet," oikawa shrugs. "those two idiots can't seem to confess."

i hesitate. "does it annoy you? i mean, isn't there that bro code thing?"

oikawa ponders this for a moment. "maybe it would annoy me slightly if it was any other girl besides etsu-chan. but etsu-chan's always been a friend more than anything to me. even when we were dating, even when we broke up. i just see her as a friend that happened to crush over both hajime and me. though, can you blame her for catching feelings for me?"

he points at himself arrogantly, chin lifting up way too high.

"you're so full of shit," i scoff. 

"how mean!" oikawa feigns hurt, clutching his chest dramatically. 

the rest of the time we spend together, from arriving home to making dinner together consisting of instant noodles, is surprisingly conversational. oikawa keeps the conversation going and although i admit it does take an effort, i try to as well. 

we're opening our cups and inhaling the mouth-watering scent of mi goreng when the topic changes to school.

"it's just so boring," oikawa sighs, stirring his fork.

"do you know what you're going to be in the future?" i ask, expecting him to shake his head and say no.

but instead he grins and with a mouth full of noodle exclaims, "a professional volleyball player!"

oikawa's grin falters as he glances at me. "it's okay that you're surprised. i get it. i mean, i'm not that talented at volleyball, so it is surprising that i'll choose it as a career."

"no, no, i wasn't surprised at that," i shake my head quickly. "i'm just shocked, and a little envious, that you're so sure about your career."

"oh okay," he nods. "so i take it you're not sure about your future."

this time i'm the one who nods, staring at the steam that curls around the noodles. "i excel in most subjects but i don't particularly like any."

"because they're so boring!" oikawa repeats, this time whinier. "ugh, and i have to go to school the day after next!"

"wait!" i suddenly exclaim. "is today saturday?"

oikawa looks at me strangely. "yeah. is something bad happening soon?"

i realize that i must've been to distracted by the volleyball matches and oikawa and etsuko that i just lost track of the days.

"no," i lie."

he furrows his eyebrows. "i know you're lying."

when i shift uncomfortably, oikawa says quietly, "let me help you. you've helped me with my problems so many times that this is the least i can do. it helps to talk it out with somebody. trust me."

trust me.

and i do.

"tomorrow, at two am is the exact anniversary of my father's death," my voice cracks involuntarily and i curse at myself for being so weak. "and every year, as the clock pasts twelve into the early morning, i get these surreal nightmares of me finding father about to die with a rope around his neck and screaming curses. at me."

i realize i've gone into extreme detail, "i'm sorry for-"

"no, don't apologize," oikawa moves around from the opposite side of the table until he's right next to me, intertwining his warm fingers with mine. he squeezes them comfortingly. "you've done nothing wrong."

it's silent for a moment as i relish in the reassurance oikawa brings. "can you do me a favor?" when he nods, i continue, "don't tell hajime about the nightmares. he's already protective as it is, and i don't want to see him try so hard for someone like me."

"alright," oikawa nods before tentatively asking, "what do you mean, someone like me?"

i expected this question, and i smile faintly. "i'll tell you. one day."

[when i gather up the courage.]

oikawa doesn't press, and i'm grateful for that.

"and oikawa?" just like at the ice-cream store, i squeeze his hand but this time it's intentional. "before you said you weren't that talented at volleyball. and i'm not an expert or anything, but to me i think you're a pretty amazing player."

oikawa smiles. and for the first time since we've met, it's a genuine one. so genuine and pure, my heart flutters. "and emo-chan? this time you have nightmares, i promise i'll be there for you."

like the child he is, he reaches his pinky out towards me. 

and like the child that i once was, i smile softly and link mine with his.