⊱ ───────── ⊰

I STAY THERE. 

i emptily watch the words on father's grave dimly glimmer as the sun sets, refusing to let tears fall. not where those usually noisy spirits can see, anyways.

eventually grey clouds gather for rain to fall from the skies, a fitting mood for this occasion. it's supposed to be summer, the season of sun, but even seasons go awry sometimes.

droplets fall and splash before disappearing into a new form and the cold is beginning to arise, making its way to my skin. despite the chill settling into my bones, i remain there, hunched over the grave and frozen. 

the graveyard keeper passes by me, controlling his face in a way that it's obvious that he's trying not to show any judgements he's made. he tells me to finish giving my prayers and to hurry home.

i dully stare at him until he goes away, not responding at all because after all, what home do i have? that mansion with a crack in its wall where father killed himself? it used to be my home, but now it's just my house.

['home' doesn't exist.]

bring bring

i don't need to check the caller id to know that it's oikawa. but when i think of him, all of those genuine smiles that i treasured are easily replaced by the version i saw today with sharp words and harsh eyes. 

i swallow and remain still, not bothering to pick up the call. majority of me decides to do that because satan is right. why should me, of all people, deserve oikawa's affection? no wonder gokana is so astonished. 

a smaller, more toxic part of me decides to do so for a different reason; just to see if he'll persist until we have a conversation. 

and he does. 

it's his fourth time calling me that i decide to pick up, because i'm getting lightheaded rereading the words on father's grave as i notice titles like 'husband' and 'friend' were included, but never 'father'. so instead i turn around to lean on the grave, using it as a chair, a throne i sit upon.

because it is a throne. 

a throne erected upon my father's corpse and my mother's spirit. 

coming with it a crown, gifted at the lowest point of my life. gifted because i caused the lowest point of my life.

i exhale heavily, and in moments like these all in which reality crashes down on me, all i feel is pain. 

[not the physical kind.]

the graveyard keeper, rows down from me, looks at me in disgust as if what i'm doing is utterly disrespectful. and it is. but i don't care at this point, not when there is always obvious reminders that i've done much worse.

"hello?"

"ki-chan," oikawa sighs in relief. "i thought you weren't going to pick up my calls. which was stupid to think, because after all, who could resist a call from someone as irresistible as me?"

"ki-chan?" he repeats when i don't say anything, the narcissism receding from his voice. "is something troubling you?"

even though he can't see me, i shake my head. "no, i'll be fine. how are you, though?"

"i..." he sounds taken aback. "i'm fine, but don't change the subject. i'm extremely intelligent, so i know that something's wrong."

the way oikawa is so self-absorbed even when trying to reassuring someone should make me angry, but instead it manages to force a small laugh out of me. 

"you're right," i give in. even to me, my voice sounds tired and utterly hollow. "but...if it's alright with you, i don't feel like telling you what happened."

"oh," oikawa murmurs. "okay."

we sit in silence for a while, not awkward but not comfortable either. all i can think about is how i should ask how oikawa is, because i'm not the only one who feels pain in the world. but i don't ask him.

as selfish as it sounds, i just want one conversation to be centered around me.

[that's the monster in me.]

so i don't speak until oikawa ventures, "how was your first day back at school?"

i smile bitterly, reminded of the times mother would actually be bothered to ask me that question. "terrible."

"it was because of gokana, wasn't it? don't worry ki-chan, i'll message her and-"

"and what?" i tip my head back to get a better view of the sky as the rain begins to slow down and the heavens open again, bit by bit. "make gokana even more convinced that we're in a relationship?"

"what's so wrong about gokana thinking that we're in a relationship?"

i sigh irritably, "because we're not actually in one."

"but we can change that."

"no, oikawa," i rub my temples, filled with too much anger and frustration to realize what he's actually saying. "just don't involve yourself. you'll just make it worse."

it's silent and for a moment i think that oikawa's hung up on me, but then he speaks again, louder this time. "but ki-chan, i can't just sit back and have her be a bitch to you. i have to do something!"

he's so persistent to be there for me.

i should be touched, perhaps fall in love a little more, and i do. 

but i'm shocked and confused because all these versions of oikawa are clashing in my head. the version he shows the world, the version he keeps hidden, the version the devil showed me.

and i freak out. 

words pour out of my mouth, too sharp and dangerous for someone struggling with their mental health, but i can't stop. 

[i just want to push everything away.]

"oikawa, just don't involve yourself. everything will be messier, and it'll only be harder for me because of you. can you just...leave me alone?"

it's too late. 

"wait, oikawa-"

[i want to push myself away.]

"no, don't speak. i've heard enough," oikawa's voice is so quiet is scares me. "i'm sorry that i was just trying to be a good friend to you. and you know what? i actually skipped practice just to talk to you. but if you're just going to push everything away, then i might as well leave."

"wait!"

i say it again, but like the first time, he doesn't listen. 

he whispers, voice breaking, "and all i wanted was to let you know that you deserve the world."

he hangs up. 

his voice, his presence, all of him is gone.

it is all eerily familiar to the scene with satan. 

i break down in silence, and i can hear the spirits start to make some noise, cackling as my crown [of imprisonment] only shines brighter.

⊱ ───────── ⊰

"wakara-san, did something happen to you last night?"

it is the next day. 

i'm on the rooftop, the place becoming more and more familiar to me as i spend more time up here to avoid gokana and her friends. 

i'm lying down with my limbs spread apart and back to the floor, staring mindlessly at the skies that don't show any sign of the rain yesterday. everything is bright blue and all i can think about is how it's a shame oikawa and i got into an argument. it would've been a beautiful day to talk to him.

but i have no one to blame other than myself.

rolling over to sit up, i answer akaashi's question, "yeah. i had an argument with oikawa."

"did you?" bokuto perks up, shuffling closer to sit next to akaashi. "do you want us to kick his ass for you?"

"no," i rub my eyes. "it was my fault. i was being selfish and unreasonable."

just like a monster, i think bitterly. 

"no," akaashi says plainly and i realized i've said my thoughts out loud. "being a monster would've meant that you wouldn't have realized the wrong in your actions. being selfish and unreasonable don't just belong to monsters. they belong to us humans too."

everything pauses.

actually, i'm the only thing that pauses. the  world continues moving regardless of these words, the winds blowing and the flowers withering and students laughing. bokuto's eyes practically sparkles at akaashi's words, heaping praises to the setter, who only mutters that it's not a big deal.

please.

as i ponder these words slowly, i find myself silently agreeing with bokuto. 

impulsively, i stand up. akaashi looks up at me from shock while bokuto's face has mischief written all over. "you're going to call oikawa-kun, right?"

"right," i nod, fighting the subconscious smile that's tugging at my lips. "i'll be back soon."

without further ado, i turn on my heel and walk until i'm inside the stairwell leading back down to the classrooms. sliding down onto the floor, i call oikawa, who thankfully picks up surprisingly fast. 

"i'm so sorr-"

"thank goodness," his loud exhale in relief completely overriding my apology. my forehead creases, and i'm too puzzled at his relief to continue to apology. "i was starting to wonder when you would call, i wanted to talk to you over everything that happened yesterday, but i didn't want to push you considering the state you were in."

my frown deepens. "aren't you mad at me?"

"mad?" oikawa says, as if he has no reason to be angry at me. "i might've lost my cool a bit, but i was never mad at you."

"but still," i fiddle with my uniform. "you just wanted to help and i...i just pushed you away. i was in the wrong. i made a mistake."

"but that's not your fault," oikawa says gently. "we all make mistakes. and it isn't because we're spawns of the devil or monsters, its because we're humans."

his words are so eerily similar to akaashi's, i wonder if people have been telling this to me my whole life. i wonder if i've just refused to listen solely because i've reduced myself to a monster.

silence settles over our conversation, but unlike yesterday, it is tension free and wonderfully comfortable.

over the phone, in the background, i can hear etsuko and hajime engange in some friendly and playful banter and oikawa trying not to laugh. 

how i wish to be there right now.

"hey oikawa?" i softly murmur.

"yeah?"

"does everyone deserve to be happy?"

i can tell that he's surprised by this, taken aback by the random question. but nevertheless, he answers, "of course."

"even...even monsters?"

"of course not," oikawa says archly. "but i don't know why you're worried about that. you of all people aren't a monster."

i smile.

that was all i needed to hear.