⊱ ───────── ⊰

I'VE NEVER BEEN ADDICTED TO MY PHONE.

so it's surprising how quickly i am consumed by the desire to be on my phone in such a short amount of time, especially with no social media tempting me. 

the desire to be on my phone was solely created through the phone calls with oikawa. after we had sorted through our argument and he, unknowingly, made me realized the human in me, we spent many nights loosing sleep to call and talk about the most random things and rant and pretend like the other is next to them, wishing for that one night in miyagi again. 

as expected, the exams were horrible. i dropped down to not second, but eleventh place out of the whole grade. it would be tolerable if gokana stopped bringing it up with her friends whenever i'm around. 

and the scholarship was quickly taken away, of course under direction from ito-sensei, who somehow managed to avoid being fired after the rumors of her affair. though i'm beginning to think that the scholarship never mattered in the first place because the day after i find a wad of cash lying on father's grave, accompanied by a black rose.

satan hasn't forgotten me. he's noticed my need for money, but also how i continue to talk and fall in love with oikawa regardless of that illusion. 

so it doesn't surprise me when one day after school i return home to see mother collapsed on the living room floor. the cause was a heart attack, so no foul play was suspected even though i know it was satan's doing. because of my actions.

i had tightly grasped mother's fingers in the ambulance, firmly thinking that no matter what satan does because of me, i won't be a monster who doesn't deserve happiness. i won't.

mother survived, though she is hospitalized and doctors want to check on her mental health. despite us sharing the same blood and dna, i do not care about her anymore. i stopped caring when i realized that i shouldn't care for someone who doesn't care for me back.

[including gokana.]

after that scene in the graveyard and many night talks with oikawa, i've realized a lot of things. maybe the thirst for more realizations lead me to spontaneously decide to go church, a place where i don't belong.

but i've always wondered what it's like on the side opposing the darkness. 

so i attend a sunday mass, less people attending it than i thought. nevertheless, the ceremony is still grand, the heavy clothes of the priest and the deeply reverent hymns reflecting the intricate and expensive architecture of the church which is only more luxurious on the inside. 

[i find it hypocritical how the Catholics, the ones preaching about giving to others, are hoarding all this wealth to themselves.]

as soon as the mass starts, i want to leave. i'm out of place here, and it is obvious to everyone close by who eyes me curiously and in fear; for what business does a monster have here?

"is she trying to taint this holy place?" an elderly man with a scraggly beard whispers to his wife. i turn my head to glance at him a little too sharply, but even from that small movement, everyone close by cowers and nobody whispers or stares anymore. 

some of gokana's friends at school occasionally go to mass, and i always hear them complaining about how boring it is. fifteen minutes in and i agree with them. it's hard not to zone out or leave from how dull the mass is. 

but then, i figure, church isn't supposed to be all fun and games. at least everyone here, unlike satan, does not see the world as a game with its inhabitants as potential pawns to corrupt it. 

[actually, considering how Catholics acted during the middle ages, that statement would not be entirely true.]

i make an effort to actually listen during the gospel, which i gather is an important part of the mass due to everyone standing up. 

the priest talks about the creation story, how the earth was created and questions immediately bloom in my mind. so when he's explaining the story and the meaning, i try to pay attention. 

he talks about the first thing that was created; light. light directly sent from God's hand to cut through the darkness that is reflected in not only Jesus, but also in ourselves. 

the priest goes on and talks about how to be light, avoiding my gaze until he says, "to be light is to let go."

and his eyes are so purposeful and strong that i do let go. 

i let go of all the stress and tension surrounding gokana, the exams and mother. 

i let go of the small attention i pay to people's stares and thoughts about me. 

i let go of my crown and throne, built on darkness and tainted with blood.

i let go of the darkness. 

and slowly, i get closer to light. i become a person that oikawa is worthy of.

i become a person with happiness, a person that i deserve to be. 

⊱ ───────── ⊰

two months on from my trip to miyagi, i am once again standing at the train station. the seasons has changed to a chilly autumn, leaves turning into warm colors before falling onto the ground to be forgotten for all eternity.

it's strange how autumn is so beautiful, yet everything is dying.

i have never heard or seen any deaths more beautiful than the leaves.

[it strikes me as odd how nobody else pays attention to the beings that burst into beauty before death.]

i find myself waiting at the exact same gate for the train that goes back and to miyagi. but this time my role is reversed, and i'm here to welcome etsuko as she comes with her family for a holiday.

the metallic doors to the train slide open, letting out a short gush of cool air and i immediately expect etsuko to jump gracefully out of the train, smiling brightly and her sundress sway slightly.

and that does happen, but before i can even greet etsuko, a blur of blue and brown bounds forward to capture me in a bone-crushing hug. 

"ki-chan!"

recognizing the faint scent of milky yoghurt mixed with gymnasium floors and these arms, i gasp out in surprise.  

"o-oikawa?"

oikawa leans back, his hands still gripping my arms tightly and he bursts into a smile even bigger and brighter than etsuko's. "ki-chan, you're looking even more beautiful today!"

he goes in for another hug, but is pried off by a scowling hajime. "shittykawa, stop being so loud. everyone is watching us now."

that is true, and i giggle at oikawa's flushed face. hajime sighs, "kichona, how are you?"

"better," i admit truthfully. 

"that's good," hajime exhales in relief before his sight wavers from me, catching sight of an older woman (who i presume to be etsuko's mother) struggling to take her suitcase of the train due to the gap. "if you'll excuse me, kichona."

he goes to help her, carrying the suitcase easily. i chat with etsuko for a while, finding out which hotel they're staying at and when they're free on the weekends. 

then we're all walking to the hotel, oikawa and i lagging behind the group as he grabs my hand and begins to swing it aggressively to my amusement.

[it's just like miyagi all over again.]

"your hand is so cold, ki-chan," oikawa frowns, squeezing my hand. "where's the nearest shopping center? i'll go buy you a pair of gloves."

i smile, rubbing my thumb in slow circles over his. "it's alright, oikawa. besides, you can't leave me when i want to ask you why on earth you are here in tokyo? i understand etsuko, but you and hajime too?"

"do i really need a reason to see you?" oikawa raises his eyebrows. "iwa-chan's extremely close to etsuko's family, thus he got invited to their holiday, and i decided to tag along because i missed you."

"i missed you too," i say softly before whacking him from the back of his head with my spare head. "you idiot. you shouldn't miss school and volleyball training for me."

"yet here i am," he lazily grins before leaning in and playfully wriggling his eyebrows. "can i get a kiss?"

it's tempting to slap him, but i instead choose to refrain and lean away. "no."

oikawa pouts, and i silently promise to myself that i will never admit that i find it cute when he does that. "is it because of the stares?"

oh.

that's right.

i forgot we were still in my neighbour-hood in tokyo. 

i glance around, and everyone close by is gaping, eyes wide. they probably find it weird that i'm this happy. 

i wave my hand to distract oikawa from the stares, "no, it's not because of that. hajime is only a few metres away from us. he will kill you if he turns around and sees us kissing."

i expect oikawa to whine loudly and pout some more, but his eyebrows furrow and his curiosity of the stares pique. "they're still staring."

"must be because they think we're a cute couple. though we're not," i lie, the fib sitting uneasily on my tongue. "or maybe it's because you're too handsome."

oikawa gives out a small chuckle at the compliment, but his eyes are still concentrated on the passersby. "it's not because of me. it's you." he turns to look at me. "what are you to the people of tokyo?"

a monster. 

i don't want to tell him that, so i drag him along by his hand, avoiding the question. "come on, we're losing sight of the others."

"ki-chan, you're hiding something from me," oikawa pulls back, his frown deepening. "something big. and it's connected to that night in miyagi, when you had those nightmares, right? and your father's death."

i stay silent. 

i had forgotten how observative and calculating oikawa is. 

the look in his eyes is exactly like the one he had during his volleyball matches, burning with determination and utterly cold as he scans everything, looking for his answer with no regard to anybody else. 

i wonder, in that moment, if he sees me as a teammate besides him or the rival opposite him. 

but then the look vanishes as oikawa squeezes my hand, a soft and reassuring smile gracing his lips. "kichona, you know you can tell me anything, right?"

"i know," i return the smile.

[i just don't want to end up having to let you go too.]