⊱ ───────── ⊰

"KICHONA. WE NEED TO TALK."

it's an hour after the four of us left the library, etsuko and hajime now awake. it's late at night and all of the city lamps lining the pathways have been lit up, the only thing beside the moon and stars illuminating the quiet streets around the neighbourhood. 

etsuko and oikawa have already split off into their respective streets. it's only me and hajime, who posed the question with a frown. 

i open my mouth to answer, knowing what it's about ever since yesterday at the restaurant and today when hajime woke up to find oikawa's head in my lap. "it's about oikawa, isn't it?"

"yes," hajime stops, leaning on somebody's stone fence. "what on earth have you two been doing? what exactly happened that night i was at etsuko's?"

"nothing," my face flushes because it wasn't exactly nothing. 

 hajime sighs in exasperation, but doesn't bother to probe. "you've caught feelings, haven't you?"

it's my turn to stop. "so what if i do?"

"you know what," hajime says, his frown deepening in frustration. "we've already had this conversation. oikawa isn't in the right mental space and darkness follows your every footstep. kichona, i know that you're fully aware of how badly a relationship between you two would end." 

hajime's right.

despite all the smiles and the laughs and the butterflies when oikawa touches me gently, i do know that dating oikawa will end in a disaster. 

[and i hate it.]

"but i can't just leave oikawa to destroy himself with negativity," i turn to face hajime. "i need to do something."

"and so far, what exactly have you done, kichona?" 

"i've- i've..." my voice falters. i haven't done anything. i've reassured him and whispered the words he needed to hear, but...have they actually reached him?

hajime crosses his arms and closes his eyes, almost as if he's tired of me and my feelings. "see?"

the condescending tone in his voice leads me to snap and angrily burst out, "well, oikawa's made me happier!"

it's eerily quiet after i finish the outburst. hajime opens his eyes, mouth pressed into a thin line. "you don't know how many girls have thought that and ended up crying themselves to sleep. what makes you think that you're so special?"

the last sentence is so shocking and staggering that for a moment it seems out of character for hajime to say something as blunt as that (to me, at least) before i remember that he's probably the one etsuko leaned on the most through her relationship with oikawa. 

i wonder how many times etsuko cried at night. was it because oikawa unwavering priority was volleyball? was it because etsuko was giving so much into the relationship and oikawa was giving nothing but apologies? 

or was it because...my heart sinks for etsuko. oikawa was too busy flirting to girls like gokana?

"now you realize it."

"but still," even with all the facts hajime has given me, i continue to lie to myself and deny, deny so that both me and hajime will believe the lies. "shouldn't you have faith in your best friend? shouldn't you also have faith in me? shouldn't you trust the both of us so much that you let us do what we want?"

"because i know that you both aren't ready."

the fact that's he's right only pushes me further. "can you stop pretending like you know everything about me and oikawa? seriously, all you do is meddle in my life."

hajime raises his voice too. "i'm doing this to help you-"

"so you think i can't do anything good by myself? that you always need to be there to 'guide' me? hajime, you need to let me live my own life and stop telling me what to do! stop being so annoying!"

i regret those words as soon as they leave my mouth, but even with only an instant passing, it's already too late to take them back.

yet i don't bother to apologize because there was some truth in those words. so i watch with a sickening satisfaction as hajime hardens his jaw and turns to walk in an opposite direction, saying, "fine. tell my mum that i'm staying at etsuko's. i'll laugh when both of you ruin yourselves again."

hajime leaves and anger keeps me apart from him and so we part ways in silence, like strangers.

⊱ ───────── ⊰

the next day i wake up to find that hajime has left for school already. or maybe he just stayed at etsuko's and never came back in the first place. 

for the first time, i spend the day completely at home without any interactions (besides a few texts from etsuko and oikawa explaining about how they heard about the fight and them asking me if i am okay), pigging out on snacks while watching old television reruns. 

the following few days, the very last ones of my trip in miyagi, are the same. i spend more time on the in the kitchen looking for food than being outside, exploring the miyagi that i had found so vivid and entrancing. i stay in the house because it feels sad to explore such a beautiful place alone. 

like hajime, i haven't seen etsuko or oikawa since the evening we spent at the library. at least they message me, though oikawa's texts are getting less and less frequent. i suspect that hajime also told oikawa how he feels about us dating and oikawa tried talking to me less out of consideration for his best friend.

[or oikawa's just been busying himself with other girls and messaging me out of pity or as a joke. or he's starting to forget about me because maybe, like hajime implied in the argument, i'm nothing special.]

[forgettable, really.]

i still don't know whether hajime is staying at etsuko's or just comes back to his house really late and night and leaves before i wake. oba-san and oji-san know, otherwise they would've been worried sick, but i don't want to ask them and involve them into our petty argument when all they've done is care for me.

the strange satisfaction had disappeared quickly, replaced by longing to sort things through with hajime. i think that he feels the same way, surely he doesn't hold grudges for days. but both of us are incredibly stubborn and don't like to apologize first. it just seems like defeat. 

so we've been ignoring each other for four days including this one, not bothering to message the other and ask them about how they've been. even if i'm leaving today. 

oji-san and oba-san shut down the library for the day to treat me to a traditional lunch that they themselves cooked, using recipes passed down from oba-san's family. i try not to compare it to mother's cooking.

"please come again, dear," oba-san hands me a bowl filled to the brim with tempura prawn. "eat all of it, we don't want you going hungry."

i nibble on one of the prawns and say, "i will come again. soon, hopefully."

and it's true. 

despite the argument, miyagi has given me some more days that i will forever treasure.

"hajime's not here, but i'm sure if he was he would say that you better or he would kick your ass," oji-san chuckles heartedly.

i offer a small smile, but this time i don't respond vocally because i'm not as sure as oji-san.

after finishing lunch, the two of them take me in their car and drop me off, leaving me fully alone after a last round of goodbyes and hugs. 

i sit on a metal bench, waiting for a train to roll in in about fifteen minutes, just like i did two weeks ago. two weeks ago, i was still in tokyo. 

it hits me how much has happened since then. 

"ki-chan!" 

i blink and it takes me a while to realize that it really is oikawa who is the person running up to me, waving his hand cheerfully as etsuko struggles to keep up with him. i stand up in shock, eyes widening. 

etsuko pants, her lips forming into a smile as she takes in my shocked expression, "did you really think we would just let you leave without saying goodbye?"

"i-"

"how selfish, ki-chan," oikawa chides.

i stare at them incredulously. "but don't you have school?"

"wakara-chan, why would we voluntarily be there?" etsuko says, amused.

before i can tell them how recklessly stupid that was, oikawa pulls me into a tight hug, grabbing my waist and whispering into my ear, "i'll miss you."

if he's having several flings like this with other girls, oikawa sure is good at making me feel special. like i'm the only one his actions and words are for.

i don't linger on the thought about other girls in his life as reason is yet again drowned out by the longing to spend every moment with oikawa, with his faint scent of coffee from his morning rounds and his warm arms around me firmly and still ever so gentle.

"ahem."

hearing hajime's voice sends a jolt of surprise up my spine, and i gently pull myself away from oikawa who stares at the ground guiltily. "uh, me and etsuko are going to...uh, check out the toilets!"

the two walk away leaving that excuse behind, an incredibly lame one but i don't notice and hajime doesn't bother to taunt oikawa.

we stare at each other, daring the other to apologize first. finally, the both of us avert our eyes and say in unison, "i'm sorry."

hajime immediately scowls. "what are you apologizing for? i was being such an asshole thinking that it was up to me to control your life."

"well, i was an even bigger asshole to say insult you when you were only helping me," i cross my arms.

"but i didn't even bother to reach you in your last days in miyagi," hajime says before also crossing his arms somewhat triumphantly. "clearly, i am the biggest asshole."

i relax and laugh, "are we seriously arguing about this?"

"yeah and i won," hajime rolls his eyes, the corner of his mouth twitching upwards. his gaze softens. "but seriously, dumbass, i'm sorry."

"i would say sorry, but that will probably trigger another argument," i smile. "i'll miss you."

"i won't," hajime says loftily before i smack him. "okay, maybe just a bit!"

i want to talk more, but then my train pulls up and the doors slide open, inviting me to step inside.

i start to leave, but hajime interrupts, "and kichona? whatever's happening between you and oikawa...just don't hurt yourself."

"i won't," i say. "it's not like we'll even end up dating. i don't even like him in that way."

hajime raises an eyebrow. "we can all see how you're falling for him."

before i can open my mouth to deny or perhaps, admit, oikawa himself crashes into me and quickly presses a chaste kiss onto my hand. i want to react, to tell hajime and etsuko off for laughing at me,

[to tell oikawa that i'll miss him],

but he gently and quickly pushes me into the train as the vehicles starts to move. the doors are already shut, but i can hear him excitedly yell, "i'm already waiting for our next time to happen!"

"with us, there will always be a next time."

oikawa beams at me, too bright that it can't possibly be fake. it can't possibly be meant for girls other than me.

"we can all see that you're falling for him."

i smile back.

and for once, i admit to myself that hajime is right.