[ a/n tw!! mentions of suicide ] 

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AS EXPECTED, TOKYO HASN'T CHANGED AT ALL.

even though i feel as though i have somewhat changed during the trip to miyagi, with a smile being easier to grace my lips and actually looking forward to go out to tokyo, i'm slightly disappointed that tokyo is still monochrome.

the skyscrapers are still a dull grey and so are the roads, the house and the people whose sharp stares' are so dreadfully monochrome.

and then there's mother.

i had expected her to remain the same, but a little part of me hoped that she would welcome me home with a hug, run her fingers through my hair as she tells me how much she missed me. but no, she merely just stared at me emptily, thinking about who knows what. 

[i hope she knows that i would rather have her sister as my mother.]

as i walk past the church, it amazes how they can continue to praise and glorify a deity who is the reason our world is so dull. then again, everyone views the world differently. 

[i envy them for seeing tokyo as colorful as miyagi.]

school is also just another piece of work with a black and white palette. numbers and formulas and bullet points continuously scratched into the lined paper as teachers loom above us.

exams are in a week, so i thought that that would be enough to keep people preoccupied upon my return. but no, the stares are even more painfully noticeable than before i left. 

gokana's expression as i walk into home class tells me all i need to know; she hasn't let the school forget about scene i caused with ito-sensei and she's started to spread around the whole oikawa situation.

on the rooftop at lunch, akaashi and bokuto tell me more about how gokana's painting me as someone who seduced her crush just to spite her, heavily emphasizing little details and blowing things out of proportion.

it's clear when they tell me that they're on my side that the school has assumed that gokana and i are engaged in some high school drama in which we're creating sides. bokuto and akaashi are supporting me not because they dislike gokana and want to cause drama, but because they're good people.

unlike gokana, who's somehow convinced the teachers that i don't need any help with the exam revision (even if i missed two weeks) and who's been blatantly asking students in the corridor who's side they're on. 

please.

 the drama is so obviously one-sided. i want nothing to do with gokana. yet gokana's becoming borderline obsessed. 

i don't bother to tell her that, though. and i don't bother to tell her what actually happened between oikawa and i in miyagi, something i would've excitedly done years ago. 

i'm more occupied with exams. if i don't place first in the school, i'll lose my scholarship. it's not just that. being academically intelligent is the only hope i have for succeeding in the future and its something that surprisingly makes me feel good about myself. 

because being so intelligent that i'm first in the school, even if it requires hours of studying, is wonderful because it's the only time i'm above everyone. 

so it does irritate me to find out that gokana has overtaken me on the leaderboard, because she doesn't need to be intelligent with all the wealth that she has. and it must irritate her that me and oikawa are together (which isn't true, but rather an assumption she made). 

i have taken her place in the relationship she wanted to be in and she has taken my first place at the top of the school's leaderboard i wanted to be in.

we have taken each other's places.

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just before walking down the street to home, i instead turn right into the cemetery. i figure i ought to visit father, considering that i was in miyagi when it was the anniversary of his death.

as i pass the gate, i bring my hands up to cover my ears from the wailing of the spirits, but they never come. suspicious, i lower my hands and then it hits me as to why the noisy graveyard is absolutely silent now.

i near father's grave, noticing not only how more vines have begun to creep around, but also the single jet black rose placed carefully on top of the smooth stone.

my guess is correct.

silently taking a deep breath, i reach down to touch the rose and when my finger connects with a petal there's a flash of dim light and satan arrives. 

the devil himself. 

the one who's opposed goodness from the beginning of time, the one responsible for many corruption of humans and the enemy of God, floating right in front of me. 

not satan in the flesh, of course, but a fraction of his spirit in the form of a flurry of black wisps. still, even if it is only a small portion, it's enough to silence the spirits and i don't need to be a prodigious genius to know that he can do more. 

"kichona," the darkness whispers, sound emitting from the entire being rather than from a mouth. "i was wondering when you would drop by. the rose has been laying here untouched for days."

"i wanted to visit my relatives in miyagi."

"i noticed," satan says before he chuckles slyly. "i didn't think you of all people would fall in love so quickly, especially with someone as arrogant as oikawa tooru. i thought, considering how people had hurt you in the past, you would've known better."

i'm tempted to toll my eyes. "please don't act like you care about me. and oikawa isn't arrogant all the time. you just think that because you always see the worst in people."

"even if oikawa isn't arrogant," his amused tone drops. "you aren't supposed to fall in love. think about the all those moments you in miyagi. when you first realized he was the unknown caller. that time at the park, the ice-cream store, at the restaurant, at iwaizumi's house and at the train station."

i do oblige and think about those moments.

because i haven't been able to keep them out of my mind.

i haven't been able to stop them from replaying on loop, forever longing to experience everything all over again. 

"and now," satan continues. "think about how you drove your father to kill himself. how you drove your mother to be drained of life. how you drove gokana away until she didn't want anything to do with you.

"do you honestly think that you, a monster, gets to experience happiness?"

it is the same question satan poses every time we meet, with his purpose every time to remind me how i was born out of darkness.

he's kept on asking me the question because every time before it's worked, slapping me back to the reality. 

but this time, i open my mouth to say that yes, i do deserve happiness. and it's not just me who believes that, but also oikawa, hajime and etsuko. 

woosh

however, satan is one step ahead of me. before i can speak, darkness curls around my body like tendrils to push me to face three people on my left.

oikawa, hajime and etsuko. 

even though i know that this is just an dreadful illusion, my heart leaps with joy and i writhe, struggling to break away from the darkness and be free with those three. 

but the three of them only look at me repulsed, as if i'm a disgusting creature. without a word, hajime and etsuko leave, not even acknowledging me as their best friend. 

oikawa steps forward, and i'm incredibly foolish for believing and hoping that he would pull me out from the darkness, especially when his soft eyes are replaced by glaring scarlet ones.

he rest his hand on his hip and laughs mirthlessly, a pose and laugh too uncomfortably familiar. he whispers the name he called me when i was hurting, and it sickens me to the core how twisted it sounds. "ki-chan.

"you amuse me. despite everything you've done, you still think you're worthy of happiness? how pitiful."

"oikawa-"

this time i actually manage to break free, outstretching my hand to touch his own hand. but oikawa only flinches in disgust, jerking his hand away. "stay away from me."

stay away from me.

the opposite of what he promised me.

oikawa, hajime and etsuko disappear, leaving nothing but trails of smoke, proof that they were nothing more than an illusion, but it's too late. 

i'm kneeling on dead grass and dirt, eyes unfocused and too busy repeating those words inside my head to notice that. 

if those times i've met with satan before were a slap to reality, this one was a punch. a punch right in the middle of my stomach, forcefully dragging me not just to reality but back into a hole of darkness and despair that's trapped me for years now. 

[but let's face it. had i ever really gotten out in the first place?]

i'm freefalling, just 

f

a

l

l

i

n

g

into a bottomless hole as satan cackles in triumph. this snaps my head towards him and even to me, i sound hopeless as i breath, "get out of my life. you're a monster."

"what else would i be?" satan says, unfazed. it doesn't surprise me. people's been calling that for thousands of centuries now. i hate that i might actually have to get used to that one day. 

with another flash of light, satan leaves, also leaving nothing but vague wisps of smoke and the black rose that's burning, the fiery orange outline inching nearer and nearer to the center of the petals as each second passes. 

i hate how satan doesn't even respond to the first sentence, isn't even bothering to correct me that after everything, i do need his support for mother and i. 

[because i need to stay at the top of the year level to maintain my scholarship, i don't have time to work a part-time shift. mother doesn't work either, and the only reason we can afford the bare minimum and avoid bills is because satan's provided us with money and managed to hypnotize government officials into forgetting to hand out bills to our house.]

i stay, kneeling and hunched over father's grave, staring into the words that describe his cause of death, driven to death too early by a monster. 

everyone talks as if the monster is a metaphor of the depression and misery that all suicide victims experience before taking their life.

but on the inside, everyone knows that that monster refers to me.

everyone on the street knows.

including me.

no, especially me.