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THAT NIGHT, I DREAM.

actually, dream isn't the correct term. neither is nightmare. the illusions i experience during my sleep are memories, vivid and dark and real.

i remember waking up on an early, early morning only to find the house, for the first time in my life, silent. the silent was haunting. 

and then i had heard something even more haunting; a scream, followed by sobs and cries. without bothering to put on some slippers, i dashed madly through the big mansion before arriving at father's study area; a lovely sunroom with unkept vines and growing white hydrangeas that was his favorite room in the mansion. 

i had pushed on the oak door, expecting to find father asleep and slumped over the messy papers on his desk with mother screaming because she accidently knocked over his beloved pot of the paper white hydrangeas. 

the scene i had arrived at was similar. 

similar, not the same. 

the pale hydrangeas weren't the shade of white anymore, they were the shade of crimson red. scarlet. the shade of blood.

because they were drenched in blood, drowning in the pool of blood on the carpeted floor that dripped from the table. 

mother was wailing because father was almost asleep. his eyelids were fluttering to a close; about to succumb to a sleep that would last an eternity. but instead of papers or a pillow around his head, a crimson rope was around his neck. 

the numbness was ice cold as father's eyes shot wide open and started shouting like a madman. slamming words of truth into my face and my body numbed to the point where it was agonizing. i hated it. especially the part when the crown of darkness arose and i was coronated as a monster. 

and the part where i watched his life drain from his body as he called me, his daughter, his so called little princess, a monster?

unbearable. 

i had screamed, and glass from the windows shatter as the scenery fractures and changes and i arise in miyagi, in the guest room of the iwaizumi's house. 

i hear another blood curdling scream and it takes me a moment to realize that it's mine. so i clamp my mouth shut, silencing the only sound that could be heard at this unholy hour. 

and the silence is jarring. 

so i'm grateful for when it's interrupted, as a distraction and comfort in the form of oikawa tooru clatters his way to my room, appearing at the doorway with his alien pajamas and bunny eyemask pressing into his messy hair. 

i turn to him, a mess with cold sweat and shaking heads and bloodshot eyes. his eyes, the ones i stared into hours ago, widen and i'm afraid that he'll see me as the monster i am and run away. 

but instead, he only rushes forwards, sits crossed legged opposite from me and leans forward. he does this fast, only slowing down when his arms are wrapped around me and can feel the trembles running through my arms. 

we stay here for a while, ten minutes, maybe twenty. i lean into his shoulder and cry and cry and i don't break apart until my shoulders stop shaking, soothed by oikawa as he reassuringly circles his palms across my back. 

i melt into this physical touch, the first comfort i have ever felt on this yearly anniversary. 

then i start having a panic attack, and i struggle to breathe not only because my body won't allow me but this thought lingers dangerously; do i deserve to breathe?

because my parents don't think so. 

but oikawa keeps on murmuring to me to breathe slowly and deeply before taking another breath and another and another, so i decide to breathe.

"ground yourself," he whispers. 

so i do. 

i focus on his hands and his arms and his eyes and manage to anchor myself. 

eventually everything stops. my body is still and the tears have slowed and i can breathe. the only remnants of the breakdown is my puffy eyes and blotchy face which oikawa gently rubs with his thumb as he wipes away the last tear. 

"thank you," i whisper ever so quietly, as if i'm afraid that being too loud will destroy the ethereal moment. "for being there for me."

"don't thank me," he breathes back and i notice that although my panic attack has stopped, he doesn't move from the intimate position he initiated. "i always keep my promises."

i manage a faint smile before saying, "that thing where you told me to ground myself, that was really helpful."

"of course it was," oikawa says, not as arrogantly as it would usually turn out to be. "i've researched a lot about panic attacks so...those close to me won't have to experience the same as me."

this touches me. maybe because this action is incredibly sweet, or that he admitted that i'm close to him or that he's not at all the selfish, cocky person that he portrays himself to be or perhaps everything that touches something inside of me and feel.

feel what, i don't know exactly, but i do know that it makes me lean closer to him until i can smell his faint cologne, the noodles we ate for dinner and milky yoghurt. the last one is a surprise, but i don't mind. 

when the beep of my alarm clock signaling three in the morning has arrived, we jolt apart from each other. i say, "we should probably go back to sleep."

"do you want to sleep together?" oikawa asks before realizing how wrong this sounds and flushing tomato red from it. "i-i'm sorry, i didn't mean it like that. i was just wondering if you wanted...you know, someone next to you until you fell asleep. or in case you have another nightmare. for moral support not to have-"

"i'm going to stop you right there," i interrupt, a small smile making its way onto my face. "and yeah, i would like that. a lot."

so that's how we end up, laying on the queen sized bed, parallel to each other and staring at the ceiling with faint tinges of pink on our cheeks. 

oikawa doesn't bother trying to sleep, whispering to me that he couldn't care for me while asleep. 

i do try to get some sleep, but oikawa's close presence keeps my mind fully awake. not only that, but the memories too. 

by the time the alarm clock beeps again, displaying the time as four, i've given up on sleeping. and despite the early hour, i can tell by oikawa's breathing that he's still awake.

so i venture, "are you going to ask me why my father killed himself?"

this question catches oikawa off guard, i can see it when he turns to me in surprise. "well, i admit that i'm a little curious, but i'm not going to ask you. i would rather you tell me and when you're ready."

"well, that's a first," i mumble. "everyone at tokyo used to ask me."

no, not everyone. just gokana. questions repeated and i was pestered until i finally told her. 

"that's rude," oikawa's eyebrows furrow. "especially when it's clear that there's a darkness about it."

"mhm," is all i can say because i've realized that oikawa realizes the darkness around me and how i'm both a slave and a ruler to it.

we both fall into a silence of pondering and realization before i venture again, "hey, oikawa?"

"yeah?"

i turn to face him too, mirroring his body position. "if you can feel the darkness around me, why are you still by my side?"

his smile is nearly as genuine as the one from last night. "because one day, i would like to see you break free of the darkness. i want to see you free and happy, as you deserve to be."

all my life, the only thing people have thought i deserve is darkness and despair. 

nobody has ever told me that i deserve to be free and happy. 

and here is someone, a boy, that all i've done is listen to his problems and meet him a few days ago and yet he's so close to me and he tells me the words i needed to hear. 

"stay close to me," i whisper. "because one day, i would like to see you smile properly. stay by my side?"

"forever."

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the next day is usually a day spent at the cemetery, trying to pay my respect while blocking out the howls of the restless spirits. but since i'm not in tokyo i decide to spend my day in several other places.

first, the seijoh gym where i reunite with my cousin and all the other third years. oikawa takes the words 'stay by my side' quite literally, always next to me to the point where the coach has to tell him off until i leave.

i leave to the market place, to a flower store bursting with colors and all kinds of petals. although i'm not going to the cemetery, it still does feel weird to spend this day without buying any flowers, so i purchase hydrangeas, white as they were before everything happened.

with the mini bouquet in my hand, i sit on the grass with small flowers springing out from the ground next to a river, dazzling bright blue and white underneath the sun. to my disappointment, people sit next to me, parents tending to their toddler with a turquoise balloon and a young couple a few years older than me with boba. 

without paying attention to my surroundings, i immediately become lost in a world of my own, thoughts about last night and the very words that contradicted what i had believed my whole life.

i want to see you free and happy, as you deserve to be.

my fingers move on their own and start plucking the many petals of the hydrangea, debating about what i deserve just like i've seen children debate if their crush liked them or not.

"happiness," i mutter, gently tearing off one of the last petals. "despair. happiness. despair."

just when i'm about to come to the conclusion that i actually to deserve happiness - my heart leaps at this -, a strong gust of wind blows the bouquet up higher and higher into the sky, as blue and bright as the glittering river below. 

[and my hands are left empty.]

clouds begin to gather in the previously clear sky, too fast to be completely natural. and although it's summer and the forecast says otherwise, rain begins to drip down from the clouds until it's pouring. 

i stand up unsteadily and my attention snaps to the toddler when his balloon pops with a loud crack. we make eye-contact for a moment, an extremely brief moment that somehow didn't need to be long to make the toddle cry, his tears mixing in with the rain. 

and although i have done nothing wrong, his parents send me a look of judgement. the couple scan me, their eyes harsh and evaluating as if they are some almighty god. 

my heart sinks and my throat dries. 

everyone is now gone as far as i can see. either for some cover from the unprecedented rain or from me. 

i gaze at the river with ripples flowing in rapidly, unfazed that my hair and clothes are beginning to get drenched.

i thought miyagi was going to be different from tokyo. it was supposed to be different. that's how it was yesterday and in the ramen shop. nobody paid any attention to me. nobody sensed or cared about the darkness when i was with oikawa. 

[maybe it's because he drowns my darkness.]