May 2018

My school life ended officially once I was done writing my last board exam, psychology. I had a feeling that I'd done well in my entrance too. I was satisfied with all my exams.

Now all I could do was wait.

And think.

And think a lot while waiting.

I remembered all my conversations with Aditya. I remembered the extra-large chocolate cones we used to share. I remembered the way we used to talk about our friends. I remembered how his shirt used to be ruffled and stained by different paints. I remembered his untidy, curly, inky black hair. I remembered his playful yet arrogant smile, which used to be wider on the left side of his face. I tried to remember many, many more things.

But my memories of him were starting to fade away.

I couldn't remember the colour of his eyes, the shape of his nose and, worst of all, the sound of his voice.

It was like trying to recall the contents of a photograph, one which I hadn't seen for a very long time. Everything seemed dull and lifeless and glazed over.

I missed him so much.

Sometime during the end of May, I got a call from Karan. I blankly looked at my phone for a minute before swiping a green arrow across his smiling face.

"Hello," I greeted reflexively.

"Hey Ashiana, how're you?" His voice was quiet, subdued, sad.

"I'm fine I guess. How are you?"

There was a slight pause and I suddenly thought that he might be crying.

Or worse...

"Are you there?" I asked, panicked.

"I'm also doing fine I think," he said, not answering my previous question. "Though I was feeling quite miserable a while ago and I reached out for my phone to call...him...and then I realised...and so I called you."

"Yes that makes sense."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, we never talk to each other over the phone," I elaborated.

"Yeah."

None of us spoke for a span of time and I stared at the muted television, then,

"Ash I miss him."

My stomach clenched at that. I tried stopping it but a tear escaped from my eye.

"Me too." The words came out too thick, too heavy.

"I tried deleting his contact but I couldn't. How do I drag his number to the trash can? The same number I used to dial everyday." His voice shook.

I had deleted his number the minute I had stepped out of his parents house, the day after his cremation.

"I understand."

I didn't.

"He was my best friend," he continued. "And now I can't bring myself to say his name."

Despite my overwhelming emotions, I chuckled.

"Yeah, you guys were like two insomniac phone buddies. Talk about bromance."

"We were two insomniac phone buddies." He laughed as well.

There was a heavy pause after that, in which it suddenly hit me what I was laughing at, I'm sure Karan realised it too.

I cannot recall whether we exchanged goodbyes or not, but ten minutes later, he hung up the phone.

{[]}

Later that evening, I found myself sitting on the floor of Kian's room beside him, leaning against the foot of his bed while attempting to hold my ground in playing Call of Duty against him and Aryan. His parents had bought him PlayStation three as a good-job-for-successfully-finishing-school present. As a result, he invited Aryan and I to his place everyday to make the most of it. I was easily the worst gamer out of the three of us.

Six minutes in, the two of them had managed to kill the virtual ass of my virtual character yet again. Already used to losing in that insanely violent game, I stood up, leaving the boys to continue fighting and making my way to the kitchen to get the three of us a drink.

On the way I bumped into Kanishk, causing him to pause long enough to throw a spiteful scowl at me, before dragging his feet back to his room, hands clutching a beer can. My eyes followed his retreat, noting the way his steps were unhurried and heavy as he walked, looking more than a bit tipsy.

Making a mental note to talk to Kian about this later, I took out the bottle of Sprite from his fridge. Grabbing three glasses, I sauntered back to his room, only to be greeted by my two idiotic friends in the exact same position as I'd left them, with only their thumbs furiously across their respective controllers.

Exhaling in exasperation, I helped myself to some Sprite and sat down next to Kian again, not ever bothering to pour and serve the soft drink to the lazy slobs beside me. I was just petty that way. Aryan noticed and threw a small pout in my direction but then quickly moved his attention back towards the screen.

I finished my beverage in three large gulps and decided to get out of here, already bored out of my mind.

Just when I was about to stand up, Aryan let out a groan, "aw man, I was fully prepared to beat you this time."

"Yet you couldn't," Kian teased.

"Rematch tomorrow? You're so going down..."

"Nah you are!"

Rolling my eyes at their childish banter, I got up. "I'm leaving."

"Already?" Kian got to his feet too. "It's only been two hours, I was hoping you'd stay longer..."

And do what? Act like a cheerleader for you?

"No, I know. But I have to meet Alia in fifteen minutes. That girl has become batshit crazy about exercise."

Aryan perked up at the mention of his girlfriend. "So that's what it is? I knew she was becoming more hotter everyday..."

Ignoring him Kian said, "come, I'll walk you to the door."

"Make sure no one sees you two kissing!" Aryan hollered as we stepped out. Kian swiftly slammed the door shut behind him, blushing hard.

"Sorry about that."

I smiled wordlessly and nodded before pressing the lift's button. Kian didn't go back inside.

"What?" I asked, confused when he remained standing there, looking like he wanted to say something.

"I...umm...nothing.." The elevator's chime drowned his feeble words. I paid zero attention to the metal box and the doors shut automatically after three seconds. Not bothering to press its button again, I continued to stare at Kian questioningly, impatiently tapping my right foot.

"What nothing?"

He sighed deeply, "I got...a text this morning...from Karan. He said he had called you today. Are you okay?"

Not really.

"He had called me and you're asking about my well-being?"

"Yes." His warm, worried eyes scanned my face.

"I'm fine...or as fine as I can be."

He didn't reply to that, just looked at me as if trying to spot the truth. Satisfied after his inspection, he pushed the button and shoved his hands into his pockets. "Right that's...that's good I guess. Would you be there for lunch tomorrow? Karan's going to be there too, I asked him."

"I'll think about it...see ya later!" The lift binged open for the second time and I hastily stepped inside, keen to escape from that conversation. He opened his mouth to say something but was cut off by the doors closing and I heaved a sigh of relief.

Vivaan had invited us all to lunch the next day. When usually I would've jumped at the opportunity of hanging out with all my friends, this was going to be our first outing since Adi's death. Even though almost five months had passed, I knew his absence would be heavily felt, more so now that we didn't have school or examinations to distract us.

But Karan's going...he has started to move on...why can't I?

These thoughts kept circling my mind during the walk to Alia's house and I didn't realise I had rang her doorbell until she snapped her fingers in front of my face.

"Sorry, I was zoned out. Ready to run?" I asked her, forcing my lips to stretch into an excited smile.

She regarded me carefully. "You're wearing jeans and...slippers?"

I looked down for a moment at my choice of clothes and shrugged, "I can run in these."

She let out a breath. "I'd offer you my extra pair of yoga pants but your thighs are way bigger than mine."

"Gee thanks."

"Come inside, we'll just paint our nails," she said, clicking her tongue in annoyance.

"Are you serious?" I deadpanned.

"Of course not! I'll paint my nails and you'll tell me what is going on between you and that Dhawan boy," Alia chirped, now sounding increasingly giddy with each word as she led me to her pretty purple paradise which made people like me puke.

That's right, her room is disturbingly purple.

I like that colour a lot, yes. But anyone would freak out if it is shoved in their face.

"Kian is just a friend," I told her, settling down on a purple bean bag and trying to ignore the overly girlish decor.

"Right..." Alia mumbled skeptically, browsing her shelf of beauty products and selecting lavender nail polish. Sitting cross-legged on her bed as she unscrewed the tiny bottle, she continued speaking, "even Aryan and I are just friends, boyfriend and girlfriend."

I scrunched my nose in distaste. "How old are you? Four?"

"Three and a half actually." She grinned, covering her forefinger's nail with the acetone-smelling liquid in three long strokes. "But really, when would the two of you start dating? I've been waiting for two whole years! Have you stopped liking him? Has he stopped liking you?"

"Umm..." I began, trying to wrap my head around that scary possibility, "I don't know about him but my feelings--gods I hate that word--are certainly intact."

"Then why aren't you doing anything about it?"

"A lot has happened Alia, we can't just go back to the way things were before," I said. "Plus, we'll both be in college after a couple of months, probably in different parts of the country. Starting anything right now would cause unnecessary heartbreak."

"I get the latter, though it still isn't a good enough excuse," Alia began, "but what has Aditya's death got to do with your love life?"

"Nothing. Everything. I don't know..."

"Is there anything that you do know?" she muttered, irritated. "Or wait, is this you feeling guilty for wanting to be happy?"

I remained tight-lipped while Alia regarded me with narrow eyes. Almost a minute passed before she got the message that I wasn't answering her question.

"You are feeling guilty aren't you?" she asked, disbelief dripping from her voice. "I don't know what to say Ashiana. It's clear you're unable to accept a simple fact. That. Was. Not. Your. Fault! So who are you trying to punish?"

Her question was valid. In the entirety of these past few days, weeks, months, I had tried to channel my emotions--grief, guilt, anger--into my studies and tests, determined to not dwell on it. Now that there was nothing to occupy my time anymore, the honeycomb of volcanic feelings were brimming with restless bees. Alia's words had just poked it with a stick, causing it to burst and the swarm of arthropods to scatter everywhere without direction. My mind was left empty barring the useful honey which contained answers, but first I had to get past it's sticky hurdle in the form of confusion.

It was most inconvienent that I was too tired to introspect.

"I need to go back home."

Alia stood up immediately, looking worried and apologetic. "I'm sorry Ash, forget what I said, I didn't mean to..."

"Don't lie Alia, you and I both know that you meant every word," I said. "And I'm not angry just...can't face the truth." I gave her a weak smile.

She wrapped me in a loose hug only to let go after ten awkward seconds when I didn't move my hands, hanging them limp on my sides. Mumbling a quick, "bye!" I practically ran out of her room and house, choosing to take the stairs instead of the lift. I really wasn't in the mood for spending more time in her company while waiting for the slow-moving elevater.

I stopped after running down the steps of all seven floors, leaning against a pillar while trying to calm myself. My phone buzzed with a message and I wasted no time in ripping it out of my pocket, desperate to seek yet another distraction from the forces of my mind. It was Vivaan.

'R u comin 2 lunch 2moro or nt?'

In a split-second decision I typed in my response, without giving it much thought.

'Yeap!'

{[]}

Entering into the pleasantly chaotic family restaurant alongside Kian, which smelled deliciously of strong spices and coconut, I couldn't help but feel apprehensive. Sensing my mood, Kian instantly gripped my hand, weaving his warm fingers with my cold ones and gave me a small, encouraging smile. I smiled back nervously and indulged in deep breathing for a few moments before turning around and acknowledging the franctic waving of Rads. We approached their table and stopped behind Aryan's chair.

Leaving his hand reluctantly, I went around the table to sit beside Radhika while Kian occupied the seat beside Karan, across from me. There was an empty chair next to where Vivaan sat and I tried very hard to ignore it. But eventually ended up summoning a waiter to have it removed, only to receive knowing, sympathetic looks from everyone but Karan, whose expression was thankful.

Pretending as if what I just did wasn't a big deal, I addressed the gang, "so...shall we order rasam first or jump straight to ravishing dosas?"

We decided to snack on rasam and papad first. For the next fifteen minutes, there was a heavy silence surrounding us as we waited for South India's traditional spicy soup. When usually at such get-togethers ours would've been the nosiest table, today it was the most subdued. Everyone was tentatively looking at each other, periodically throwing commiserating glances in the direction of me and Karan.

This was exactly what I was afraid would happen. I was about to break the oppressive silence (in the worst way possible), but Karan beat me to it.

"Okay you guys, stop looking at me like that and spit it out," he snapped, as a waiter placed two bowls of crispy papad and glasses of piping hot rasam in front of us.

Shame that such good food had to be paired with a dreadful conversation.

"Nothing just...are you alright? I mean, how're you holding up?" Vivaan tantatively asked.

"Not this again!" Karan groaned. "I think I speak for both me and Ashiana when I say that please stop asking us that. We definitely won't be fine if you all keep bringing it up."

I bobbed my head in agreement when they turned to me.

"Okay, if you say so..." Vivaan conceded and Aryan and Rads murmured something similar.

Kian, however, fixed me with a pointed stare, still looking unconvinced. Thankfully though, he didn't press for answers, choosing to remain quiet.

In a move that would make any host of a refined English tea party jealous, we all picked our glasses of rasam and took the first sip together. I burst out laughing and so did everyone else.

Laughter indeed is the best remedy to any problem, for by the time our chuckles subsided, the thick sombre cloud surrounding us broke and the air became lighter. Determined to make this friendly lunch enjoyble, I said, "so Viv, was there any particular motive behind inviting us here? Don't tell me it was just to question Karan and I."

To my surprise, it was Karan who answered, "actually...it was me who asked Vivaan to call you guys here."

Vivaan looked visibly relaxed which made me even more curious.

"Remember the plan?"

"What plan?" I asked, dumbfounded.

"Our trip...my uncle phoned me yesterday, our tickets are confirmed."

His announcement was met by another round of loud silence. Out of all things, I didn't expect the reason to be...the plan.

"Are we...are we seriously going?" Radhika voiced the one question which was going through all our minds. "Surely not, given that Adi..."

"It was his idea in the first place," I reminded her in a low voice, even though I somewhat agreed with her.

"So shall I tell him to cancel the confirmation?" Karan probed.

"No," Aryan said. "I think we should go. This was the last thing we all were supposed to do together before college right? Who knows if we'll even see each other after that."

"But so much has changed now..."Rads began only to be interrupted by Aryan.

"Nothing's changed. At least not among us. And as much as I loved Adi, we need to move on. All of us," he finished.

"I think Aryan's right," Vivaan said, smiling slightly at his girlfriend as she turned her head to give him an incredulous look. "Even I loved Adi and I'm sad that he...but it's been five months and...I don't know man, I'll do whatever you guys deem fit."

"What do you think Ash?" Radhika said, almost convinced but wanting to hear it from me.

My eyes sought Kian to find him already looking at me. He jerked his head so slightly that it would've been impossible to notice if I wasn't seeking some sort of message from him. I took that movement to be reassuring, as if he was saying, 'I get you, don't worry,' and replied to Radhika, "letting go of seven--six train tickets would be a terrible waste. Besides, if we choose to sit at home, then we'd continue to think of him. I'm sure I would."

"Me too..." Karan said, "and I guess that Adi would've also wanted us to go, given that he was the one so excited about this trip..."

Slowly, everyone around the table started nodding in assent and it was decided that we would go after all. As we moved on to discuss and finalise the itinerary, one thought still lingered in my mind.

Would this be an insult to Adi's memory?

{[]}

That night I was lying next to my snoring sister, googling the places we had decided to visit. As I was about to switch off my phone, my finger hovered over the little envelope-shaped icon of G-mail. A few seconds passed before I moved my thumb to press the 'back' button instead and went to sleep.

{[]}

Hello awesome peeps!!

So..this was quite uneventful but I'll make up for it in the next chapter.

Oh and Happy new year!!

If y'all like this chapter then please,

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