Arrowan

The only dreams I seemed to be capable of anymore were nightmares.

Usually it was the same one: I finally escape to be with my soul mate, only to find I'm too late. I'm frozen in place, sometimes by magic and sometimes by fear, and forced to watch as he's slaughtered in front of me. Sometimes I can move and I sprint to him, but my movements are impossibly slow. I move millimeters at a time and I can't reach him. I scream, but no sound comes out.

I'd had that dream enough times now that sometimes I honestly thought myself incapable of screaming – that if I opened my mouth and tried, I would feel that same overwhelming helplessness. In the mornings, I would go running just to remind myself I could. In reality, my body cooperated. I was fast, faster than almost anyone else. Those dreams, though... they messed with my mind. They made me feel inadequate and like I could never hope to protect my soul mate from those I knew would be after us the moment I went to him. Over the years, it had been hard to keep planning and maneuvering, to keep hoping that someday we could be together. That hope was the only thing keeping me sane, so even on the hardest days, I never let it go.

Someday, I would find him. I would lie, evade, and kill to keep him safe. Whatever it took.

An opportunity was coming up, one I could never have fabricated for myself. The stars were finally aligning and if I played my cards right, I would be gone before my people ever realized I meant to leave.

See, I was born Unseelie. We were known as creatures of darkness and looked down upon as evil, soulless, and wicked. It was true, some members of my kind were as bad as the stories; but isn't that true of every species and culture? It didn't help our case that we looked wrong in the sunlight. Shadows clung to us, shading us even in the harshest of lighting.

Sunlight made Seelie fae look divine. They would glow and almost shine. They were radiant. That same sunlight forsook the Unseelie. We were truly creatures of the night, even though most of us preferred not to live nocturnally. In starlight, we glimmered and glowed gently – none of that blinding Seelie nonsense. It was beautiful, but the Seelie looked down on us all the same. They didn't understand that thriving in physical darkness was not the same as thriving in metaphysical darkness. It didn't mean we were corrupt or less than them.

But so it goes.

Maybe our cultures would have warred even if we looked the same and if our magic wasn't so different. Maybe this was just the excuse that started it all. It didn't matter now. What mattered was that my mate was Seelie, that I was Unseelie, and that we would never be allowed to be together in our home realm of Alterra. In fact, we weren't even allowed to meet. Ever since the Great Truce almost two hundred years ago, there had been no contact between our kind except for the ruling class. I had never laid eyes on him, on my soul mate, but I could feel the connection that bound us. It was tugging me toward Earth, toward the human realm. It had been for a long time.

How long would he wait for me?

It was a thought I tried to avoid, but I couldn't help wondering at least a few times each day. Had he already moved on, found someone else? Even if he was still waiting for me, would he resent me for making him wait so long? It was impossible not to worry, but none of that was my biggest concern. If I could just reach him and keep him safe, I could handle the rest.

Five more months, I reminded myself as I sharpened another arrowhead. There was going to be a solar eclipse on the day of the winter solstice. Our magic was already stronger that day, and it would be magnified further by the eclipse. I should be able to shatter the mithril tracking bracelet that had been snugly wrapped around my wrist since the hour a seer proclaimed my soul mate to be Seelie. I would have to dodge or fight more guards than usual to get through the portal to Earth – security was always higher on holidays – but it was a chance I was willing to take.

I really was a very fast runner.

And then I would find him.

I just had to make it until the winter solstice.

--

I didn't make it five months.

I was in my studio working on a stone replica of someone's dog when a shiver ran down my spine an instant before pain consumed my body. I dropped my hammer and chisel and doubled over on the ground, clutching with one hand at my head and the other at my chest. All I knew for several minutes was that all-consuming pain, like I had been split open and turned inside out. My whole body felt wrong, like a vital piece had been ripped out.

The heavy metal cuff on my wrist that had been there since my infancy – growing with me and fueling itself using my own magic as soon as it came in – opened and fell to the floor with a deafening clang. Normally, this would be enough to shock me, but my mind barely registered it through the haze of agony and panic.

When the pain started to calm, I realized that I had lost a vital piece of myself. My soul bond was just... gone. In its place was a horrible, gaping wound in my very self – not physical, but I thought I would prefer that.

Even as my head throbbed, I pushed myself to think through the ramifications. My soul mate wouldn't have gone to Earth all those years ago if he didn't want to be with me, but that was a decision he made a long time ago. He must have given up on waiting for me, and I would probably never know why. If he had gone as far as to destroy our bond, then all hope of ever meeting him was gone. Even if I made it to Earth now, I had no way to find him. Even if he stood before me, I had no way to recognize him without that bond tethering us together and pulling me toward him.

Worse than the pain dominating my body – and it was immense – was the sudden, stark loss of hope.

For so long, everything I had done moved me toward the day I could finally leave Alterra for good to seek out my destiny. The clandestine training I did to keep my body fit without raising suspicions, the carefully-cultivated friendships with anyone I could pull into my circle so I would look from the outside like I was putting down roots here, and the job I had that required I maintain some muscle without appearing to threaten anyone... so many facets of my life, all organized around a dream that had been snatched away from me painfully and with no warning.

What did this mean for my future? Did I even want to go to Earth anymore, now that my reason for being there was forever out of my reach? Maybe it would be better to stay here, where no one would hunt me down for leaving. I could grow my sculpting business and maybe develop some truly meaningful friendships rather than the surface connections I had put so much effort into cultivating.

If I left, all I would do was ensure I was hunted for the rest of my life, and what would it be for?

When I thought my legs would hold me again, I got up off the floor and looked around the room, at my art studio where a few finished pieces were set against the far east wall awaiting sale. Blocks of stone and a couple of pricier marble blocks were waiting for me against the southern wall. My tools, carefully collected over the years, hung neatly on the walls so I always knew where to find them. I never thought of what I had as much of a life, but I could make a life here, couldn't I?

My heart ached at the idea and I wanted to stage a full-scale rebellion against it.

No. I didn't want a life here. I didn't want a life on Earth alone, either. I wanted what I had worked so long and so hard to find, and I wasn't ready to give up on that just because my soul mate had. I refused to believe that the bond that had been so much a part of me could just be gone. There must be some way to revive it, or to track the wound in my soul back to the source. Up until now, I always stayed away from pursuing knowledge about bonds. Anyone who looked into how I was spending my time would be suspicious of my reasons and it could tip my hand, could let my fellow Unseelie know that I planned to turn traitor. I didn't know how much the tracking bracelet on my wrist picked up and monitored, but it was enough to make me exceedingly cautious.

Well, I didn't have my tracking bracelet on anymore, so I was free in that regard. Normally, I would be racing for the nearest portal to Earth, but my body was still weak from the loss of my bond and anyway, what good was escaping Alterra if I couldn't even find him? If I worked fast enough, smart enough, I might learn how to reforge the bond and still escape.

What did I really have to lose anymore? Already my years spent playing it safe might have cost me everything.

No more.

With a renewed sense of purpose, I left my studio. I stopped only to reinforce the wards around my building – wards of locking and binding so that no one could enter, and those who tried would be caught until I returned. It probably didn't matter, anyway. Once I started digging into extinguished bonds and whether they could be repaired or traced, I may not have long before someone noticed. As soon as my tracking bracelet had deactivated, someone would have been alerted – and they could be coming to find me even now to see why. Whether or not I found the answers I sought, I was going to have to find a way to leave Alterra before anyone could strengthen the magics keeping me here.

I started by going into the city and finding myself an empty cubby at the library to hole up in for the afternoon. Moving as quickly as I could without drawing attention to myself, I made my way through the stacks and snatched up books on my craft, as well as anything that looked like it might remotely fit into my life. How to animate stone, nutrition, warding – book after book joined the stack in my arms. Between picking up safe books, I also slipped into the row that contained books on bonds and took as many as I dared.

With arms full of contraband and feeling like eyes were watching my every move, I went back to the reading cubby and settled in to read.

--

I woke up to a headache after a night spent with blessedly few dreams. I groaned and stretched out limbs still sore from sitting at a desk until nearly closing time. I didn't get very far in my research yesterday. After all, how many people ever went through something like this? Of course there wasn't much information available, and it wasn't as though I could ask anyone for help.

I fell back against my bed and squeezed my eyes shut. I needed to think of a better way to handle this. There had to be a solution I wasn't seeing.

I was still in bed, trying to think around my aching head and growing feelings of despair when my wards hummed, signaling that someone was at my door. I wasn't an idiot – this was about my bond. Someone had finally come about the tracking bracelet, the one that was still on the floor of my studio. Hopefully they would believe that it had fallen of on its own, with no interference from me.

Even though I was sure this wouldn't go well, there was no point in putting it off. I got out of bed, still in the rumpled clothes I had put on yesterday morning, and headed for the door. I opened it and found Alistair, a man I had always felt could have been a true friend but whom I couldn't risk getting closer to. It was a shame, since I felt that way about very few people.

See, Alistair was another like me – his soul mate was also Seelie. Anyone who saw us growing too close would suspect we were plotting an escape together, and I never could afford that kind of scrutiny, not when I truly did mean to leave one day.

His eyes looked sad and were full of sympathy when they met mine, and my mind raced through dozens of possibilities that might explain why he was here, when usually the Unseelie would rather keep us apart. I didn't come up with anything that seemed remotely plausible, so I was glad when he spoke.

"I hope you don't mind that I stopped by," he said. "I know your tracker fell off and have some questions I need to ask."

Seeing no way around it, I stepped back and held the door open for Alistair, dismantling some of my wards as I did so they wouldn't grab onto him. "Come in."

He followed me into my kitchen, which was looking admittedly a little messy since I never did get around to cleaning my breakfast dishes from yesterday morning... or the dinner dishes from the night before. I had skipped lunch and dinner yesterday, and now I was starting to feel weak with hunger. I needed to eat something.

I pulled out a slab of bread and a crock of butter, slathering a slice and shoving half in my mouth before I said, "Hungry?"

Alistair shook his head politely and sat down at my little table, crossing his hands and looking uncomfortable. "No, thank you."

I worked my way through two more slices of bread while I waited for him to say more, but finally my impatience won out over his hesitation. "What?"

"You're not the only one whose tracker has fallen off in the past couple of months. Others, others like us I mean, have been experiencing the same. And I wonder if maybe..."

I concentrated on the food in my hand rather than on Alistair, since I knew I couldn't keep myself from glaring my annoyance at him. At least annoyance was starting to eclipse the anxiety his visit had sparked. "Say it," I said.

"People's bonds have been disappearing," Alistair said. "Every couple of days, another person whose soul mate is Seelie has their bond severed. I thought maybe the same happened to you."

My mind raced with the implications. Was someone hunting down our mates and threatening them into severing their bonds? That was the only possibility I could think of, the only thing that made sense, and it sent rage rushing through me at the thought someone had put my soul mate through that.

And with that rage was just the smallest little flicker of light. He might not have wanted to cut me out of his life. Even if I never found a way to fix this, there was comfort in that.

"What about you?" I asked, ignoring the non-question Alistair had posed. I watched him carefully, so there was no missing the way his eyes tightened and his jaw clenched for just a second. I looked to his bare wrist and my heart clenched.

"Two weeks ago," Alistair said. "A couple of the people I've spoken to said their bonds came back the next day, but..."

But his hadn't, and he wasn't hopeful about mine. That much was obvious.

I didn't press Alistair, since making him say it wouldn't do either of us any good. Besides, my thoughts were all focused elsewhere, on the ray of hope Alistair had just given me. My bond could come back. That was what mattered now.