G.AM.E by @BeeCried 

As soon as I glanced at this, I knew... tense jumps. Every single paragraph was in an inconsistent tense to a point where I couldn't actually figure out which tense the story was supposed to BE in.

Here an example:

Lucy looked at the piece of paper; it was a stunning blue and has a bow on it. She called to her brother, John, who was eating Doritos and loves them. She gets up from the chair and walked to the sink....

You see where I'm coming from?

Dialogue was formatted incorrectly. Please see previous critiques for more detail on how this is done. 

There was some good vocab, but some words were so hard to understand that it seemed to me you'd just searched up a complex synonym of it. This does NOT make your book seem more complex/classy in ANY way. Simple words are sometimes better than long ones - it's about whether you can communicate the message to the reader correctly and using the best words to do so.

You should have commas before names. Like so:

This is my friend, Lucy.

You also need commas to split clauses. Like this:

Whilst it was raining, Lucy went to the shops.

Contractions were done wrongly sometimes (like 'query's' instead of 'queries'. And 'their', 'there', and 'they're' were all mixed up).

You had many comma splits. For example:

I like dogs, they are cute.

IT SHOULD BE:

I like dogs; they are cute. 

OR:

I like dogs because they are cute.

However, I did like the way you portrayed the liveliness of the kids. The character of Dylan and Collin were very likeable, and I think they would make great protagonists. Consider cutting down on characters as I don't think all of them are necessary. Maybe keep four (Dylan, Collin, Bella, and Lillian, for example).

Basic grammar was sometimes not there, like capital letters at the beginning of sentences and full stops at the end of sentences (dialogue especially). You had question marks where they didn't need to be, and none where they actually needed to be.

More description would have been nice, too. And some context or explanation about the whole situation (that's what Ms. Anne should have been doing right at the first chapter but she left for no apparent reason).

The chapters, I found, were too long. You could cut them to half the length and it would be fine.

There was some unnecessary dialogue, but I told you about that when I answered the questions at the end of the second chapter.

I went in and edited some of the mistakes I've listed here. Please use those and the ones in here as an example, and go through to correct your work. 

I do not mean for this to offend in any way! Please remember that this is a critique, NOT a criticism. Please spread the word!

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