Dirty Little Secrets by _rainynightslover

At the beginning of the chapters, I liked the bold that you put on the first few words. Maybe to make it even more formal, put the first letter as a capital. You sometimes see this in older books. I think this could add a nice finishing touch.

You need commas to separate clauses. I saw that this was very rarely done, which is  shame. For example, look at this

I walked down the shop aisle, passing the beans and tomatoes on the way.

Notice how the comma separates the two clauses? You also need this for subordinate clauses too.

There were times when words could have been more formal. For example in the letter that Luna receives (I commented on this for you with suggestions on how to make the wording fit with the style).

Dialogue was sometimes done wrongly. Are you writing from a phone? I'm probably wrong but the kinds of mistakes you're making with the dialogue would normally arise from using a phone where it's harder to format the dialogue. If this is the case, maybe consider using a keyboard. This way, it's a lot better to write dialogue. If the issue is that you in fact don't KNOW how to format dialogue correctly, then please refer to other critiques where I've explained this to other people.

Small tense jumps were there but I commented on these for you.

Again, you NEED commas to separate clauses!

There was some colloquial language creeping in. Like I explained with the letter, other word choices would have fit in better. This leads me onto my next point...

Which is that you had many sentences where better wording and phrasing would have made the sentence flow better or just looked nicer on the page. I commented on some of these for you, but not all of them so please go through your work and read it carefully to see if everything makes sense and if there's a better way of saying one thing.

In the prologue, you could have ended the chapter talking about love. I think this would have been a more suitable ending and would put more emphasis on the reader, so it would stick in their mind better as well as foreshadow events to come.

You had brief spelling errors (e.g. recommended) but these were only minor, and can be corrected with any spelling checker.

When Luna bumps into the boy during the open day, I found this was a very cliche way of meeting someone. Consider changing this around a bit to keep the reader more engaged and avoid using over-used cliches like these.

See the critique for 'The Fairie Forest' where I talked about having a hyphen between the adjective and the verb. That also applies to you.

I found the chapters sluggishly too long.

Near the end of the prologue, keep the capitalisation of 'Dad' consistent. Just a thing I noticed.

In the first chapter, you had occasional paragraph breaks that weren't fully complete. Consider skipping another line. If you don't, the writing just looks messy and clunky.

Also, in the first chapter, you mentioned that the mother speaks Italian and so do the daughters. But I didn't see any of this throughout the last chapter. Think about having them speak a little in Italian to reinforce this idea, especially throughout key scenes like the dinner and things.

Overall, a good start to a good story. Liked how to were building the tension and you have a very likeable main character. Key issues were with grammar mistakes and small things that can all be avoided by going through your document.

Remember that this is a critique, NOT a criticism. Please spread the word!

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