Day Walker by @KailinneKaze

This story was littered with tense jumps. In almost every paragraph it switched between present and past, which was very confusing. Go through every single paragraph and change every sentence until it's all in the past tense.

You only need 3 dots for the ellipsis. Any more and it just looks clumsy. With just 3 dots you can convey as much mystery as you can with 10.

The pronoun 'I' was repeated too much, mainly because the sentences were quite short. Consider adding connectives to make your sentences longer. This will improve the flow of the writing.

You need commas to split clauses and also before names.

Paragraphing was a huge problem. You need to skip one line (so that means pressing the enter button twice). If you're writing on a word document, change the space between lines to double spaced and add an indent so you only have to press the enter button once. Then, when you transfer it onto wattpad, it will double it automatically.

Every new speaker needs a new paragraph. This became particularly difficult when I wanted to comment something as it was all just one block of text.

AGAIN: STICK TO PAST TENSE!

Dialogue was an issue too. Please consult other critiques where I've explained how to format dialogue to other people.

Numbers spelled out look more formal.

You need more tension in the scene with Steven. You had a great opportunity there to really engage and spook the reader, but I found this chance was missed.

Some spelling errors like 'alot' and 'atleast' should be separated into two different words (so 'at least' and 'a lot'). This is a very common mistake to make.

The main character was unexpectedly very bad-ass when it came to punching her employer. This came as a bit strange since she hadn't really had any previous associations with violence (except the killing of her dad, which was only briefly mentioned).

Overall, a relatively good story with a coherent plot. But there were so many grammatical errors that could have been avoided with simple proofreading before you publish the chapter.

One last note. KEEP EVERYTHING IN PAST TENSE.

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